to expect working mums to sort out their childcare

[nametaken]

Is it just me or do any other SAHMs get really annoyed when they get the 3 o clock phone call saying "oh can you pick XXXX up from school her nan/CM/school club can't because blah blah blah.

I mean, they choose to work - I'm a SAHM because I have 3DC and it would be a nightmare trying to organise childcare and I wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone.

I finally fell out with my friend today after one imposition too many. How nice of her to have me to pick up the slack week in week out and then when she finally feels guilty about all the unpaid childcare she asked me to do she swans off and treats her DD and my eldest DD to a cinema visit and meal!!!!!!! Something I would love to do but haven't got time to organise cause I'm too busy doing the drudge boring work.

Working mums - please don't think for a minute I've got anything against you - it's just a rant against the 3rd working mum in 3 weeks to need a favour from me.

I always used to do this because I thought "oh, well if I ever need something I can always ask them" BUT !!!!! I don't ever need anything.

Be honest, does anyone really think that SAHMs should be helping out working mums when their childcare falls through or am I just being evil.

then have it out with her or stop helping her, as your OP asks should SAHMs help WOHMS, when really, you want to know if this women is taking the piss.....

You need to be more assertive; just say no rather than grudgingly accept and seethe with resentment afterwards.
(I speak from experience).

I work part time except when on mat leave and in 3 years commuting in London my dp and myself have never, ever imposed on anyone else - including during the London terrorist attacks and numerous (weekly!) incidents on the trains. We have always killed ourselves to sort it out between us, despite having some people down at Nursery as named emergency pick up people and the fact that over 2/3 of my local NCT group are SAHMs. This has involved me running to Nursery whilst heavily pregnant, spending £60 in a taxi and various other exhausting scenarios. I think the other posters are right - some people are more considerate and responsible than other irrespective of working status.

nametaken - resentment is toxic either resolve your issues with this particular lady or move on. too much effort/time wasted really

Maybe you shouldn't allow yourself to be walked all over. Sound like this resentment has been building for a while and came here to let off steam. Just say "no". Don't get worked up about it. Just say "Oh I would, but I'm busy."

Oh and I think your thread title should say working mums and dads. Men can sort out childcare too -- in theory anyway.

I work full-time, as does dh. I am by a long chalk the main wage-earner. I have NEVER imposed on any friends, working or otherwise. I have been lucky.

"I wouldn't want to inconvenience any one" -you're bloody lucky you have the luxury of choice.

I think you've been incredibly rude to your friend. She's treated your dd to a film and a meal- bet that wasn't cheap.

If you carry in like this, you'll be fine as you will have no friends left.

hmmm, started off this thread thinking "wtf" at the headline, read the op with a little more sympathy, and then read your subsequent posts, nametaken, with growing amazement. How can you claim to be a friend of this woman? You sound like you hate her.

I get where both of you are coming from as I work part-time and am frequently asked for favours during my "time off" - both by friends with kids and friends without (like picking up parcels, letting tradesmen in, etc). It isn't always convenient but I know that in a pinch they would be there for me too, and I see it as a huge privilege to be able to spend some time at home with my DS, others are not so lucky.

On my days as a working mum I work a 9-5 day in "high heels" but I still I work my arse off. I may not come home with shit on my shoes, and most days I enjoy my job, but I often deal with very unpleasant people, in a very high-pressure environment. I stress constantly about childcare, feel corrosively guilty if things do fall apart, and pay through the nose for solutions that don't inconvenience my friends and colleagues. So don't judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes. You sound like you are envious of your friend's lifestyle - has it ever occurred to you that she might be envious of you "swanning around all day", as it seems to her perspective?

Anyway, if I were your friend, I wouldn't WANT you to do me any favours if you weren't happy with it. I'd want you to be honest, tell me to my face if you've got a problem, and not be a martyr and then bitch about me on an internet forum. What's wrong with just saying thanks but it's not convenient? She'll soon get the message.

I do have to rely on other parents occasionally (not so much with work-related issues - I leave my boys with the headteacher if I have to go in early/finish late) but because I have three boys who sometimes need to be in three different places at once.

I try to reciprocate the favours, but I hope to God no one is resentful when I ask, because I find it difficult enough in the first place to actually ask.

You sound like you're jealous of her.

Luckily I've never had to ring a SAHM friend since my parents will always take up the slack. It wouldn't bother me if a friend needed a favour doing occasionally and asked me were I not working. I can see why you get irritated though, I get irate if I feel put upon by a friend. You can always say no if it's really inconvenient though.

I have been both a SAHM and a working mum. Whilst at home it can be hard, ,lonely, boring at times with no adult conversation and yet fantastic o just be at home with the children. When I returned to work I still had to organise the children for school, do 2 school runs, rush through the traffic to work, work my backside off whilst constantly checking the clock to leave on time for the school runs or the childminder. Once collecting the children then you have to get home and do all the things that you may have done during the day as a SAHM (washing, ironing, cleaning).

It is not easy to work and the support of friends and family is really appreciated.

I have had to call in favours a couple of times but thankfully my friends are understanding and know that when I was not at work I would happily help them out.

I think maybe you should just help, surely it isn't putting you out in any way?

This shouldn't turn into an argument about SAHM v WOHM ...... again. What job someone chooses to do is up to them.

I don't doubt that some WOHMs try to take advantage but remember that you can only ever be taken advantage of if you let it happen to you.

Say NO. Say it's inconvenient, that you're tired/busy/in a rush ..... whatever.

I have only read the OP so fogive me if i repeat anyone. I think a better title would have been: 'AIBU to expect my friend to sort out her childcare'

You cannot tar all working mums with the same brush so i do think YABU for this thread title.

Were it not for the fact I'd be generalising I'd say that as a WOHM I find the other school gate WOHMs much more inclined to help each other out in a crisis.
Most of the SAHMs seem to be off getting trollied in Bluewater most days, and they're often the ones making panicky phone calls at 3.15 because of their feckless selfishness - oh, but hold on, that's tarring everyone with the same brush isn't it

I opened the thread with blood boiling, and then calmed down when I read the number (and there were so many of them) of sane posts!
With the odd exception, this is possibly the only time that I have seen WOHM and SAHM unite in reasonableness (if that's a word )
Nametaken - the answer to your quandries has been stated many times: if you resent it, and feel you are being taken advantage of, then say No. Otherwise, bear in mind that someone may be posting a post about you in a few years when you have your 9-5 job.

(BTW - I wear suits and heels, but work my arse off from 7 - 4.30....and how I wish it was cushy!)

I can absolutely see where you are coming from. A friend of mine had a job that meant she had to be at work before she could get all her kids to the places they had to be and she just depended on the rest of us to field the youngest, between us, until his nursery time. I ended up taking him in the car to hand him over to someone else who was going to nursery anyway, and quite happy to take another child, but what happened when her own child was sick and didn't go? I ended up waiting for nearly an hour to put him in nursery. No childcare arrangements at all.
That's a while ago now and gradually people said they weren't happy to do it and eventually she used a childminder. I'd help out now if she had a crisis but back then it was taking the mickey.
Re the cinema trip... I can see where you're coming from with that too. What you'd like is for her to help you out in exchange rather than treat your dd. Like offer to look after your other two dc's so you can spend some quality time with her yourself.

just say no, if you don't want to help out. i work part time and sometimes i help out and look after the children of sahms on my day off [bitches!] they are probably off drinking gin round the back of the supermarket!

i quite like it as they tend to amuse each other.

LOL Marina. I work my arse off in the office, v stressful job, once in a blue moon I ask for help, always happy to reciprocate with babysitting etc... I think most mothers like to help each other out.
So I think yabu nametaken, sorry...

I can understand the op's resentment too

I now work crap jobs to fit in with my kids and whilst I'll help out other mums who work longer hours I'm really wary of being taken advantage of as it's happened many times before

to the op - just say you can't help out anymore if you feel she's taking the piss

you'll feel a lot better for it

Rofl Marina! Watch out for me rolling in the aisles at Bluewater Thursdays and Fridays... "hic, where is DS, hic? Oh dear, left him in the ELC again..."

"working mums" and "choose to work"

I don't think the op is slagging working mums, she's just annoyed at one lady in particular

no need to start THAT old arguement

If you don't want to help out your friend then you should be honest. Just tell them it isn't practical for you look after their kids on a particular day.

It really is very simple.

Or is this thread an excuse to attack working mums and suggest that we are short changing our kids.

Some of us need to go work either for the mental simulation or the money.

ssd, be fair, she does say "working mums" plural in her title line. Also the first line of the OP implies that lots of SAHMs are put upon lots of the time by lots of WOHMs.

It's not entirely unreasonable of people to be annoyed at the generalisations at play here...

Yes hunkermunker, this woman "chooses" to work. She lives in a 4 bed detached with double garage, 2 bathrooms, 2 cars, 1 ski-ing trip, one fortnight in barbados and family meals out 2 or 3 times a week.

I live in a 3 bed terrace we have 2 cars, both 6 years old and a simple fortnight camping in France.

If said woman "choose" not to work then she would manage perfectly well living the sort of lifestyle that I do.