to expect working mums to sort out their childcare

[nametaken]

Is it just me or do any other SAHMs get really annoyed when they get the 3 o clock phone call saying "oh can you pick XXXX up from school her nan/CM/school club can't because blah blah blah.

I mean, they choose to work - I'm a SAHM because I have 3DC and it would be a nightmare trying to organise childcare and I wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone.

I finally fell out with my friend today after one imposition too many. How nice of her to have me to pick up the slack week in week out and then when she finally feels guilty about all the unpaid childcare she asked me to do she swans off and treats her DD and my eldest DD to a cinema visit and meal!!!!!!! Something I would love to do but haven't got time to organise cause I'm too busy doing the drudge boring work.

Working mums - please don't think for a minute I've got anything against you - it's just a rant against the 3rd working mum in 3 weeks to need a favour from me.

I always used to do this because I thought "oh, well if I ever need something I can always ask them" BUT !!!!! I don't ever need anything.

Be honest, does anyone really think that SAHMs should be helping out working mums when their childcare falls through or am I just being evil.

Haven't read whole thread late and tired so apolgies if already said...but how nice you have the luxury of being a SAHM ...I am main/only breadwinner in my family after my lying cheating H got found out (so not by choice or luxury)....I also worked very hard and long for a job I love and enjoy and if I don't say so am quite good at ...I work part time to try and juggle cildcare and earning enough to pay my mortgage (I don't take ANY money from the state though i bloody give enough so other non working mums get to stay at home with their DC)...think you are being bit self centred and righteous TBH ...some of us don't have the luxury..I cherish my lovely friends who will help in a pinch and am bloody glad you're not one of them!!

macdoodle - being a SAHM is not a 'luxury' for all of us. Some of us have no choice as it simply doesn't pay to go to work. After paying for childcare any part time job would be pointless - it would contribute nothing. It is that kind of sweeping generalization that has caused trouble with the OP. Count yourself lucky you don't have to rely on benefits and that you have a job that you love and enjoy and can do part time!

As I see it she is not complaining about doing the odd favour but repeatedly bailing out somebody who can't organize themselves properly. The WOHM woman in this cases knows when she offers to reciprocate that she isn't ever going to be in a position to do it so it is an empty offer. To that end I don't think the OP is being unreasonable.

And whilst it is very nice the OP's DD got taken out for dinner, etc, it wasn't her that did the extra work, was it. It was the OP that deserved the recognition not her DD.

I would agree that next time the OP should just say no and I also agree that it isn't a SAHM/WOHM issue but a users/used issue. Some people are happy to use other people, some people do all the coping and sometimes is isn't fair.

I can also see both sides of this debate and agree that the OP should have been thanked rather than the DD. I've unfortunately had to go back to work, due to personal circumstances changing and have loved every minute of being a SAHM and wish I could still be. I'm now very very grateful that I know have friends who I've helped out in the past with childcare who are rallying around to help me. It works both ways.

Why don't you think of some favours these people who are imposing on you CAN do for you, just to even things up a bit?

There are lots of jobs that are just too big to manage alone - get them to bring their kids over one Saturday, kids can play and you and the imposing mum can sort out the attic, pack the summer clothes away or whatever.

If they refuse, you'll know you're not being appreciated and can start saying no to them with a clear conscience.

Late to the thread, so it's probably already been said.

YABU

Of course, WOHMs have to sort out their childcare, and it is totally their responsibility to do this.

However, things go wrong, and emergencies arise. This happens for SAHMs as well as WOHMs. We all have to call on friends every so often to help out. That's what friends are for, and it is part of living in a community.

I am at work now.
In my high heals and short skirt, which I deliberatley wore after reading the latest posts. And I have the cushiest job. They pay me good money for easy work and I apsolutley LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.
Now we have discovered that the whole thread is about jealousy and resentment. Such a destructive emotion.
I was jealous of my sil. Everything came so easy to her. Her house rose in value by £125,000 and she nearly paid off her mortgage.
Then I had a good look at myself - A p/t job I loved, a lovely little son and a husband who cherishes me and who I love to death. All the things I ever wanted. I try to be grateful and appreciative for what I have.
You should try it.

nametaken, I can guess this thread with the answers will put you off mn for ever more

there seems to be an awful lot of anger directed at your post, you apologised twice but hey lets have a go at the op again anyway

seems there are a LOT of mums on this thread with hidden anger and resentment and I don't just mean the op

take a look at yourselves ladies before telling the op she is an idiot, and is resentful of others lifestyles etc etc

pot and kettle

Sakura - excellent post . Good for you.

I can understand the OP fustrations and she has apologised for the inappropriate wording of the title.

I think you just need to start being assertive and say no.

I work part-time and hell will freeze over before I asked any one else to help me with my childcare arrangements. I don't like relying on people so the twins currently go to nursery and when they start school, they will go to breakfast club but I will reduce my hours so that I can pick them up once school finishes.

I agree that this should not be a SAHM/WOHM debate ...the issue really is being taken advantage of (or feeling that you are)...unfortunately the OP with the topic of her thread really had quite a nasty pop at WOHM implying that she as a SAHM would never need a favour or help...and that all WOHm take advantage of their SAHM friends and never recipricate ...not my experience

And also I agree that I am very very lucky to have a job I love that allows me to work PT and earn enough to support myself and DC...I would not want it any other way though some days I feel I am juggling a 100 balls in the air ..... after discovering quite how much after and before school clubs cost I can understand and sympathise with SAHMs who actually cannot afford to work...I feel privileged to be a PT WOHM (though I have trained and worked with a lot of debt since I was 17 to get where I am 20 years later) and TBH I could not be a SAHM I think it is the hardest job in the world...

Hey nametaken

Hope some of the replies here don't make you feel bad. You apologised (twice) for the slip-up in the title when you generalised about working mums rather than your friend's selfish behaviour.

This has really made me ponder what I'm going to do when either DH or I can't pick up DD from nursery (we both work full time). I can work from home so have been able to do that so far. But we don't have any family or friends locally so it's a worry.

I would give my right arm to be a SAHM, but if we are ever to move out of our tiny 1-bed, no-garden flat then I have to work. Pah. So I just count my blessings (as a previous poster said) - lovely DH, gorgeous baby, a happy mostly healthy life.

Resentment and envy just lead to madness, I think.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi, nametaken, and send some peaceful vibes your way [waves].

I only read the first page, and going on the exact words written, it seems that your'friend' is imposing above and beyond the bounds of friendship, and only took your with theirs for a treat out of guilt. As most people on here have said being the emergency Mum is a privelege in that you are considered trustworthy enough to care for their precious bundle. But it can't become a regular thing, your friend should have had a good think about her childcare arrangements once this had happened twice and rearranged her life, not impose on you.

I have to say I'm the SAHM Marina is talking about - Ok so I don't get drunk at bluewater, but I've had to be bailed out by my (part time WOHM) friend when my extended days out with ds have meant I've not been their to pick up dd. But she doesn't mind, because I cover for her as well. It's called being friends and helping each other out, nothing to do with our diffrent working status.

I'm sorry to say it, but you sound envious of her job, resentful of her having fun with your DC, and judgemental of her life choices. If you don't want to do a favour for someone you say 'no' in the first place. Saying 'yes' and then being resentful is just passive-agressive nonsense. Maybe you need to arrange for some time to do things for yourself (ie ask some other people for favours so that you can go out), and think about if you want a career which you can enjoy. There is no moral superiority in shovelling shit. High heels jobs are just as worthwhile if they mean a happy mum rather than a resentful martyred one. Next time her childcare fails her, just say no.

I think the point is the original poster feels she can't 'just say no' if her 'friend' is ringing 5 or 10 minutes before school finishes. That would take some nerve. That's why she feels the woman is taking advantage of her.

Perhaps she needs either to leave her answering machine/voicemail on so she appears not to be in (although that would be a bit of a guilt-trip if she hears a message asking for help - hopefully the friend would just hang up and try elsewhere!), or broach the subject with the friend. She then either has to say upfront she feels it is happening too often, or fib and say she probably won't be home much or able to answer messages because of X reason, so it might be best not to rely on her and find another emergency contact.

I am a WOHM. Our (Not mine, but ours. My children have two parents.) childcare is well and truly sorted. I have never asked a friend to look afer them free of charge. Not once. Quite frankly, it never occurred to me as an option. Wish it had. Man, I could have saved a packet.

But....

The most offensive thing about this thread is the absence of the phrase "working dads".

Good post from prufrock. That is how I see it, although my friend is now the SAHM and I am the WOHM part time. But I fed her cat for her over the weekend while they were off in their caravan. And there are other ways we have both helped each other out in the past. I asked her to have DS one day at half term because the childminder was on holiday - she asked if she could have DD too!

gloria I am still paying for childcare when my childminder is on holiday (she has paid holidays like I do) but I still need someone to look after DS.

Oh, right. Well, I wouldn't pay a childminder holidays because they aren't employees. But, that's a whole other thread.

Just realised you are eleusis. I don't really pay her hols because I get paid hols (just put that bit in, in a self-righteous flurry), I pay her hols because that is in the contract. But I am still paying out for childcare on that day.

Bozza, that's how it works for me and my friends too - we covered a fair chunk of the holidays last time that way by boxing and coxing
But you do learn which people never reciprocate, and just stop offering after a while

I try and take the view that what goes around, comes around and one day you may be needing someone's help. I sometimes feel a bit resentful because I employ a F/T nanny but only work P/T so as to make sure I have the hours I need. But other Mums in our village use my Nanny to patch in their childcare.
I resent it because I have to pay for more hours than I need and can't just tap in on an as required basis as they do. But I feel that it's the right thing to do, to help out, and I don't have a valid reason to say no really do I?

Marina, what's "boxing and coxing"?

Your last post has somewhat ruined what could have been a reasonable gripe. I suppose that you would have thought that I 'swanned around from 9-5 in suits and high heels' too when I had an office job but, just for the record, running 3 companies between the hours of 9-5 and then struggling to get back (so as not to be late for CM, cook a meal, tidy, wash, cook and clean was bloody hard work.

I have a feeling that you are trying to get backs up here now...