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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents going back on promise to help with childcare and money

102 replies

meeeeh · 10/03/2021 15:50

So I’ve recently had a baby and bought a house. My brother has had a lot of help from my parents financially. I’ve never asked for anything but was told that when I bought a house I’d have help with a deposit as they felt strongly that me and my brother should have the same. I said they didn’t have to do this but they insisted they wanted to. Anyway they never gave me this money. I was then told I would have the money when my parents retired, this still hasn’t happened and I haven’t asked about it till now.
I was also promised when I was pregnant and when my baby was born that they would help with childcare to help me keep my job. Nothing has been mentioned of this for ages. Now I’m due back to work in a few months I asked if they would help out 1 or 2 days a week like they said and they said they can’t commit to set days but they will visit when they can (which doesn’t help with me going back to work). They said they want the freedom to do what they want, when they want with their retirement and not to be tied.
Re the money they’ve now said money is there if I desperately need it as opposed to it being given to put towards my house.
What annoys me the most is the false promises, why not just be honest from the start about all these things? Right now I am angry and feel I don’t want to speak to them because of this. AIBU?

OP posts:

jamthencreamyoufool · 10/03/2021 15:51

Tell them, all of it.

SendMeHome · 10/03/2021 15:53

This happens all the time, sadly. It’s always all over here that people promise money and childcare, and when it comes to actually needing to do it, it’s a lot less appealing.

You’re justified to feel let down. I think the fact they haven’t continued to mention either of these things was the clue that they didn’t really intend to do either, and hopefully you’ve planned that way so this won’t be cataclysmic. But it’s understandable that you feel let down, and that it might take a bit of time to heal.

monkeysox · 10/03/2021 15:54

Tell them

Shoxfordian · 10/03/2021 15:55

Yanbu at all
They shouldn’t have promised those things then not given them to you. Really shit behaviour from them.

pretentiousrubberduck · 10/03/2021 15:58

My MIL did similar with childcare. Kept promising to help, just to ask etc and when I did (twice) said no both times. Both of mine are now at school and I've managed to get a job during school hours, so no help needed. She's now having my bil's 6 month old 3 days a week, because they can't afford childcare. They earn 3 times what we did when I asked
In our case, we just have to let it go. They're wonderful grandparents and love spending time with our kids, and that's the most important thing. Plus I don't really see it as my place to have that conversation with them, although I'd support DH if he wanted to. It's up to you whether you discuss it with them, but what harm can it do really? They've already said no to childcare, and you still haven't had the money they've promised you. Why not tell them how disappointed you are that they've made promises they had no intention of keeping?

Mosaic123 · 10/03/2021 15:59

It's especially upsetting as they've helped your brother.

Don't put yourself out waiting for them to visit.

Cheeseandlobster · 10/03/2021 16:00

You are not entitled to these things but you don't sound entitled because they promised these things and have treated you and your sibling differently. I dont blame you for being hurt at all

Rosieposy89 · 10/03/2021 16:01

YANBU. Parents should treat all children the same. There's no excuse for not doing so

Justcallmebebes · 10/03/2021 16:02

I hate this too. I would far rather people say that they can't help rather than say they will and then fail to deliver.

You're certainly right to be aggrieved over the childcare, that's a really shitty thing to do and I think I would have to say something

Boulshired · 10/03/2021 16:03

I can cope with people letting me down what I cannot cope with is them pretending to be the good ones and then having to be grateful for something that is never going to happen. They have let you down on promises they gave.

Original poster

meeeeh · 10/03/2021 16:03

I've told my mother how I feel, she just blames my dad and said it's his decision. I'm not close to my dad, but much closer to my mother. I feel if I have this argument with my dad we may never speak again. I could not speak to them again but then my daughter would miss out on a relationship with her grandparents. I'm not surprised by it really as my dad is a selfish person and has made smaller false promises before. Though he did insist on these things so I am very hurt this time

OP posts:

willibald · 10/03/2021 16:04

That's really rubbish of them but sadly you'll have to do it without their help.

Notaroadrunner · 10/03/2021 16:04

Maybe they are enjoying retirement more than they thought they would and have decided to spend their money on themselves, and use their time for themselves, as is their right. Perhaps their retirement fund hasn't paid out as much as they'd hoped. It's a shame they promised you money and childcare and are now not providing either. However you now know not to expect anything from them and that way you won't be disappointed in the future. Its best that you and baby's dad sort the childcare yourselves and not rely on family as that in itself can cause other issues. At least if you are paying for childcare you have more control over how your child is looked after.

willibald · 10/03/2021 16:06

@meeeeh

Do you want your child to have a relationship with a selfish man like this?

AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 10/03/2021 16:07

Write out what you've said here in a message and send it to both of them. You can be clear that you dont expect them to actually now follow through on their promises, but you want them to know how you feel,.especially when compared with your brother. Leave the ball in their court.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 10/03/2021 16:07

As pp have said the sad part is that they gave you reason to think they wanted to give you these things, and have now reneged on that.

If they had never offered it no doubt you wouldn't expect it.... but they did.

I would feel disappointed too, if it had been explicitly repeatedly offered. But as already said on thread it's really common for messages to get mixed where money and childcare are concerned. My experience is that when grandparents offer childcare they rarely actually consider that to be useful for work, they need to willing to give a long day at least 46 weeks a year, which could be very limiting in terms of holiday plans etc.

Boulshired · 10/03/2021 16:08

The big empty gestures won’t stop with you, they never do.

StepBackPlease · 10/03/2021 16:12

I understand why you're disappointed OP - it's really frustrating when people promise things (which you didn't even ask for in the first place) and then go back on their word.

My mum is a bit like this; I think it comes from her genuinely wanting to be generous but not being very good at nailing down the details. She'll offer to do this, that and the other if she's in a good mood at that particular moment, but if I actually want her to follow through then the onus is on me to pin her down and say 'are you able to do x on y date please?' otherwise as far as she's concerned, I'm not that bothered and don't need her help.

Have you ever actually explicitly asked for these things after your parents offered them - e.g. did you say "we've found a house we really love, are you still able to help with a deposit please?' or did you just wait for them to offer? Same with the childcare - you say 'nothing was mentioned for months' but if it was me I would have wanted to have explicit conversations/agreements about what the arrangements would be (or the very least what they were able to commit to - e.g. one day a week) well before I was thinking of going back - especially given their track record.

I completely get it's frustrating; I guess parents are entitled to change their minds about things like childcare but it doesn't help you much right now. Could you talk to them and tell them how you feel?

Blancah · 10/03/2021 16:13

Honestly?... just accept that nothing they say is going to come to fruition. You do you.
Don't try to force a relationship "because they're family" a shit neglectful relationship is far far worse than simply removing the toxicity and having no relationship. Your kids won't miss something they never had.

Screwcorona · 10/03/2021 16:13

Same here op, not the childcare bit but re buying a house. Me and husband were all set to buy the house, mortgage agreed and plot deposit paid....dad said for years he had this money for us, even wrote out the gifting deposit statement for mortgage application, then spent it on his vat bill 😅

We are still renting 4 years down the line, hes promised so many things. I've let it go, as I think having taken the money would have made him feel like he has control of me anyway. Hes a bit controlling, so probably for the best.

Try to find a way to let it go, dont believe any further promises, dont ask for or offer help.

Tal45 · 10/03/2021 16:15

I know the feeling. You have to just accept it's their money and their time to do with as they please and that they probably felt you had your life in order while your brother really struggled (either that or they just favoured him) they hopefully had good intentions when they said they would do it but the reality is rather different.
I'm in the camp that parents treat their kids equally, my parents are in the camp that my brother is difficult but might cut them off so they'll pander to all his wishes thus enabling his behaviour.

cptartapp · 10/03/2021 16:16

PIL gave SIL £10k towards her first house deposit and paid for all her wedding. DH got nothing. They've also provided her with lots more childcare than us, and DS1 had an offer of money towards a school trip withdrawn because my nephews trip they were also contributing to didn't go ahead.
Very hurtful, but as we knew where we stood we took a step back and take pride in the fact that years on we are now beholden to nobody.
FWIW though, I would never had relied on GP for regular childcare. It's too big an ask and will usually come back to bite you IME.

stayathomer · 10/03/2021 16:16

People's situations change, their ideas change, their health changes, and there's been a pandemic. This could have forced them to start thinking about what they can and can't do or can and can't afford. I'm only 40 but even now I'm wondering how the hell grandparents manage young children, Ihave only the rumblings of arthritis and I wonder all the bending down, running after etc. I find it so sad you think this could change your relationship with your parent. Yes talk it out with them but theyve every right to have changed their mind, both things were huge commitments, probably commitments they had full intention of seeing through

RunHobbitRun · 10/03/2021 16:20

My husband had years of believing his parents with their promises. It wasn't that he expected their help, it was that they kept promising, delivering on the promises to his sister but never with him.

He snapped the last time they made one of their grand promises and threw every single promise back in their face...along the lines of "Of course just like 1, 2, 3, 4 etc promises to help - stop lying to yourselves and me that it'll ever happen"

No more offers are forthcoming, but at least false promises aren't being made.

It's such a shitty thing to do - to promise something that would make a sizeable difference to your life (house deposit/childcare etc) but to never deliver. Sadly we generally trust that our parents are being truthful so it takes a while to realise that they are making these promises to make themselves feel good rather than to actually do good.

Thatwentbadly · 10/03/2021 16:20

It’s awful OP. My MIL make a huge thing over treating DH and BIL the same but they don’t. We have giving up waiting for the money they offered us for home renovations over 5 years ago. They decide to form a childcare bubble with BIL with out considering despite the fact BIL has childcare from other grandparents and us having two children. Our youngest is the same age as BIL child and previously they had only looked after our older easier child. For the younger child we would have just had them take her for a walk in the pram for 30 mins so we could home educate the older one.

Unfortunately it’s had a negative impact on DH relationship with PIL and BIL.

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