Parents going back on promise to help with childcare and money

[meeeeh]

So I’ve recently had a baby and bought a house. My brother has had a lot of help from my parents financially. I’ve never asked for anything but was told that when I bought a house I’d have help with a deposit as they felt strongly that me and my brother should have the same. I said they didn’t have to do this but they insisted they wanted to. Anyway they never gave me this money. I was then told I would have the money when my parents retired, this still hasn’t happened and I haven’t asked about it till now.
I was also promised when I was pregnant and when my baby was born that they would help with childcare to help me keep my job. Nothing has been mentioned of this for ages. Now I’m due back to work in a few months I asked if they would help out 1 or 2 days a week like they said and they said they can’t commit to set days but they will visit when they can (which doesn’t help with me going back to work). They said they want the freedom to do what they want, when they want with their retirement and not to be tied.
Re the money they’ve now said money is there if I desperately need it as opposed to it being given to put towards my house.
What annoys me the most is the false promises, why not just be honest from the start about all these things? Right now I am angry and feel I don’t want to speak to them because of this. AIBU?

When you offered, you didn't need the money and said so. Now maybe you need the money they no longer have it. They could have thought you said you didn't need it so didn't consider they would ever end up asking for it.

@AnaisNun

You poor bugger! I hope you’re okay now

How can they look you in the eye and continue to treat you differently from your brother. Shame on them.

I have always treated my children equally

I have 2 sisters who had kids before me. My parents provided a fair bit of childcare , weekends away etc . I've never had that as they moved abroad the year before DD was born.
I'd have loved the help as I'm a single parent but I don't resent them for it. It was different life circumstances at different times.

I live overseas, so def not expecting parental help, but they've promised me so many things over the years and then gone back on it that I don't trust them at all.

Ranges from the small as a child/teenager (promising to take me ice skating, promising to take me to the cinema and then reneging on it, promising to pay for my haircut and then refusing) to the big - promising to pay off my student loans and then changing their minds and flatly denying they ever offered.

I'm sorry OP. It's the repeated broken promises that are so wearing. I think you just have to get on with your life and write them off as a bit rubbish. I still have a relationship with my parents, but it's very arms length.

It’s not a bad thing, the lack of childcare. Professional childcare is better for a range of different reasons. I always have a private eye roll at the adults who can’t raise their own children without their own parents carrying the burden for them - “oh no I just couldn’t/wouldn’t spend that amount of money on nursery” - then in the next breath complaining about how they watch too much tv with their grandparents or eat McDs etc.

Thats not nice at all. Op suit yourself going forward. Im glad we never got help as feel she would throw that back at me now. We dont bring her on hols. I dont feel guilty!! But yeh not nice if she promised it.

Posters who think it’s just about the money don’t understand: it’s about broken promises, being let down by the 2 people who should have your back, and being blatantly less well-treated compared to your sibling.

It sucks. My parents contributed to my sisters wedding, but not mine.

They provided her with childcare two days a week for over a year; my mum said "oh we'll have to do the same for you" and didn't.

I love my parents, but have known for a very long time that my sister is the golden child. My sister and I are very different and we've never really got on.

I have no advice other than I know how I've felt in a similar situation and it's hurtful.

I'm the eldest child and had a lot of help with childcare. I don't know if my brother will get the same. My parents stopped for us because they were too tired and exhausted. I'd be annoyed at my brother if he guilted them into it when they are 9 or 10 years older on the basis of 'its not fair because you did it for her'.

I'd be upset at the money though. That isn't something that changes unless there is a financial reason. Which there may be.

It's wrong of them not to give you the same money as your brother had. IMO the fairest way is for parents to hand over the money at the same time to all children, rather than make it dependent on buying a house or having a wedding. However far too often parents seem to think it's fine to give one child huge sums whilst the other gets nothing. My FIL has done this - gave £20,000 to SIL and nothing to DH. Kept saying he would also give us money when we bought a house. It now is clear he won't unless he approves of the house we are buying. Not that we want anything outrageous just a normal family home for £250000. He is trying to get us to spend more for some reason. I just think sod it, I'd rather not be beholden anyway we don't really need the money. It's hurtful for DH though.
Re. Childcare I think it's a big ask for a grandparent to do 2 full days every week unless they are young, fit and particularly keen to do it. Plus you may well find that it causes friction if they have different ideas of what constitutes suitable childcare. MIL does full time child care for SIL but the children watch TV for 8 hours a day and are stuffed with sweets, crisps and fizzy drinks all day long. I prefer to send mine to nursery.

I would already start distancing myself firstly for your own sake but also to hopefully kick them into realising how poorly they’ve behaved. Don’t reach out with any talk of visits etc and let them (hopefully) start making more of an effort in every sense. If they do communicate take a while to respond, and then get briefly/ almost formally. The way they’ve treated you is really really rubbish, just half hearted and lacklustre.

I never relied on my parents to provide anything when I got married because I knew I would be dissapointed so saved myself the upset.
My mother in law was always on the scrounge for money.
My parents never even offered child care, my mother in law would provide it but she had to be in a good mood and often wanted rewarded.

I am now a great grandma.I love to see my great grandchildren but have a medical condition which limits me to short periods of childcare.
I helped out a lot with my grandchildren when they were young

Never count your chickens before they are hatched.

Are you sure they gave your brother money? If it’s just them who told you that I wouldn’t necessarily believe it. They sound like the sort of people who tell themselves (and others) they are generous when they are not.

@nildesparandum

I never relied on my parents to provide anything when I got married because I knew I would be dissapointed so saved myself the upset. My mother in law was always on the scrounge for money. My parents never even offered child care, my mother in law would provide it but she had to be in a good mood and often wanted rewarded.

I am now a great grandma.I love to see my great grandchildren but have a medical condition which limits me to short periods of childcare.
I helped out a lot with my grandchildren when they were young

Never count your chickens before they are hatched.

OP wasn't and has never relied on anything from her parents, this is not what is happening here.

OP Parents promised to GIVE her money for a Deposit, like they have done for her brother, it never happened.

They promised to help out with Childcare when her child was born, they have again reneged on this promise.

Its not about the money its about someone offering something then withdrawing it, and repeating the same crap behaviour.

OP as your relationship with your Father is not great then it's not a relationship I'd pursue for my Child. They cannot be depended on to keep their word and therefore unreliable.

Congratulations on the purchase of your Home and the birth of your Child. You don't need fickle people like this in yours or your Childs life, I'd write your parents off. 🌺

@JustMarriedBecca

I'm the eldest child and had a lot of help with childcare. I don't know if my brother will get the same. My parents stopped for us because they were too tired and exhausted. I'd be annoyed at my brother if he guilted them into it when they are 9 or 10 years older on the basis of 'its not fair because you did it for her'.

I'd be upset at the money though. That isn't something that changes unless there is a financial reason. Which there may be.

You sound delightful. My ex's family were the same, eldest got everything, and then they'd lost interest when the rest came along - which wouldn't have been so bad if the eldest had ever even acknowledged the way their circumstances had been so much better than their younger siblings. 'A lot of help with childcare' often means savings of thousands if not tens of thousands, means keeping your relationship alive with the occasional date night, means a loving relationship with grandparents, means able to keep a career going because you know that in a pinch, a grandparent can help.

Fair enough if your parents are worn out, but it's not nice to just say 'I'd be annoyed with my brother'. Having seen the unfairness in my ex's family, where the eldest and wealthiest child got help and younger ones got to watch on and pretend not to be annoyed, if I help my eldest with childcare I'll be putting aside cash for my younger ones in case I have to stop.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I wrote a message to them explaining how I feel and they replied that they will do one day a week but it needs to be flexible if they have appointments, etc. It's just left a bad taste now and is hard to trust them. So me and my partner will try to find a way to cover childcare ourselves. I'm not sure how my relationship will be with them going forward as I am hurt

@meeeeh

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I wrote a message to them explaining how I feel and they replied that they will do one day a week but it needs to be flexible if they have appointments, etc. It's just left a bad taste now and is hard to trust them. So me and my partner will try to find a way to cover childcare ourselves. I'm not sure how my relationship will be with them going forward as I am hurt

good on you. Thankfully you don't need anything from them but you know now they give empty promises, Id be very careful around anything they promise your Child OP, and then letting them down. 🌺

YANBU at all. My parents did the same re childcare. They told me they’d have my DS one day a week as they have always had my nieces 2-3 days. When booking a childcare place I asked what day they wanted, radio silence, nothing. So in the end I just sent him to childcare for all my working days and nothing more was ever said.

It’s so frustrating as my brother has never had a childcare bill (other grandparents help too) so I do feel a bit slighted by it.

I think it gives them a warm fuzzy feeling when they volunteer but when you remind them it suddenly feels like a demand and they resist.

Your parents were under absolutely NO obligation to repeatedly promise you money.
Their behaviour IMO is really dreadful and I can understand your upset as they have gifted your brother funds.

Regarding the childcare, some promise but realise they just aren't up for it, or it would be too much.

They are not dependable. Do your own thing.
You must be so disappointed in them.

This is why you should never depend on people, promises, money. I’ve been called stubborn for not accepting help but it seems to be the only way to not be let down. I don’t want help.

Circumstances change but they could just say that.

My ILs have form for doing the same thing, and like you I feel it’s so damaging because it completely breaks the trust. The worst thing is I think my husband has been conditioned not to question this behaviour as it has happened throughout his lifetime. It’s definitely affected him and his relationship with them, it’s not as close as they’d like to think. I just worry they’ll do the same to the grandchildren which would be heartbreaking if they make them promises they don’t follow up on while they’re so little.

This resonates strongly with me. My entire childhood & adulthood was broken promises and double standards with my parents and siblings.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. If you can cope with a relationship with them for your children’s sake then just ignore their promises and get on with it. I did this for my DCs to have a relationship with my parents. I always said once it started effecting my DCs that would be it. Sadly it did start to, false promises and double standards with my siblings children, my DCs started to notice and get upset so now I have no contact with my Mum, my dad passed but she was always the main problem. There were other things involved but it was mainly because I didn’t want my children to feel inadequate the way she made me feel growing up.

I’m very black and white where promises are concerned in my life. My DH knows never to promise me anything unless he can 100% deliver, the same with our DCs, I won’t make false promises to them. If I’ve promised something I can’t deliver I will explain upfront and make it up in other ways, their choice,

My dh had years of this. It eventually ended up with him being told that his fathers business would be split 50/50
With his brother when he died. Guess what happened. His brother got the business worth 6 figure at worst, my dh got what was in his savings account, 18k.

You've told them now, time to move on, don't rely on them, say that is, but no thanks re the child care and don't believe a word they say in the future. It'll be easier all round

Of course your desperate for the money, you now need to pay for childcare that you thought you would be getting help with but are not now. So yes, ask for the money for childcare as you need to work.