Parents going back on promise to help with childcare and money

[meeeeh]

So I’ve recently had a baby and bought a house. My brother has had a lot of help from my parents financially. I’ve never asked for anything but was told that when I bought a house I’d have help with a deposit as they felt strongly that me and my brother should have the same. I said they didn’t have to do this but they insisted they wanted to. Anyway they never gave me this money. I was then told I would have the money when my parents retired, this still hasn’t happened and I haven’t asked about it till now.
I was also promised when I was pregnant and when my baby was born that they would help with childcare to help me keep my job. Nothing has been mentioned of this for ages. Now I’m due back to work in a few months I asked if they would help out 1 or 2 days a week like they said and they said they can’t commit to set days but they will visit when they can (which doesn’t help with me going back to work). They said they want the freedom to do what they want, when they want with their retirement and not to be tied.
Re the money they’ve now said money is there if I desperately need it as opposed to it being given to put towards my house.
What annoys me the most is the false promises, why not just be honest from the start about all these things? Right now I am angry and feel I don’t want to speak to them because of this. AIBU?

It's rubbish but try not to draw comparisons with your brother. It is common - parents see one child as more "in need" of help and/or their children are born at a time when they feel more able to help, or where they live makes helping easier or more difficult. There may well be other people they've made promises to and then not kept, and you're just not aware of it. They may even do this to your brother in ways you're not aware of, Eg promising ad hoc babysitting then not turning up.

It's sad, but just give them a small part in your DD's life where seeing them is a treat. You can do it without them. You might find that they want to get more involved once your DD is a bit older, talking and toilet trained. And actually if they weren't going to commit to regular childcare, it is much much better that they were honest upfront rather than signing up and then continually leaving you in the lurch Family childcare often breaks down in the longer term. Get her into nursery and let them take her out odd days if they want. In a way it's a waste of money, but think of the fees as spent anyway to keep her place.

I've never had help with childcare. Parents attitude is they are my children. The money would annoy me though.

I think you should have the conversation about how you are left feeling about them over promising. I don't think you have a right to any of it, even to the same as your brother (circumstances change) but you do have a right to honesty and an apology for giving you false hopes.

I disagree you have to treat each child absolutely the same - equality is not about being treated the same. We give according to needs and it has varied from child to child over time - their circumstances are different. They know we do our best by each of them and that we love them the same but differently.

We have never had help with childcare but my sister in law did. She felt she had to be forever grateful and was also let down a lot. Probably easier to have a professional childcare arrangement.

Make your childcare arrangements which do not include them, as said above this happens all the time.

Id be annoyed. But it is their money at the end of the day.

My parents never materially helped me out financially (even though they had and have money). This only drove me to do better than them tbh.

But they are great with childcare though.

Family treats each other like this partly because they know they can. Friends who let you down would be told where to go. If as a parent you want to favour one child then have the guts to admit to it. If you offer and find you can no longer commit then let the other person know. These parents get the joy of offering and then make the person ask before turning then down making the OP feel shit for asking for something that they never requested in the first place. It’s vile behaviour from a parent.

Urgh! I had that with my dps. When I was pg they said they’d help with childcare, same as you, one or two days to help out so we’re not paying loads for nursery fees. When dd was born and I was nearing the start of going back from maternity they backed out. I was so bloody cross. They made such a song and dance about helping out.
Anyway, dd2 came along and we moved to Oz for two years, they clearly weren’t that bothered about them. They were never gonna get any grandchildren from my db, so...

Well when they need help remind them db is The Golden Child. Be less available op... They have shown you your place. Take it and don't feel guilty for getting on with your life being lc with them.

That isn't nice of them, OP, I understand why you're sad about it, I would be too.

I suspect that they enjoyed the gratitude expressed for their grand gesture and, had you need it at that very time, you would have got whatever was promised. The thing is, that gratitude - for some people - is a temporary salve and then 'buyers remorse' creeps in, they regret what they offered and make that facility unavailable, either by design or just because it wasn't really meant.

Accept nothing, ask for nothing - let them be good grandparents if they choose - but you should also hold back a little (or a lot) and don't offer them any concessions that you would for people you hold in high regard. They can be good grandparents to your children, that's it.

Tell them.

I’ve had this problem with my DM for years. Most notably when, in the grip of severe postpartum mental health issues and ina relationship taking an increasingly violent tinge, she told me to leave my partner and move in with her “stay until the baby is older” she said. “Well help you. You don’t need to worry about moving out. You can stay as long as you need”.
I desperately wanted someone to look after me / tell me what to do, as I was drowning -
so I left my partner and my home in London for “safety”.

3 months later she asked me to leave, because her partner wasn’t pulling his weight in the house, and that, plus the fact that there was a baby in the house so the washer was on all the time was “getting her down”.

So I was 300 miles from my friends/support network, crippled with postpartum anxiety/depression, had an 11 month old I was breastfeeding, no money except mat allowance, no way to do my job as it was London based, no access to savings, no home or furniture (ex kept it all and wouldn’t give me it), and... suddenly homeless.

It took a while for our relationship to come back from that tbh. Particularly when said partner (who she later admitted was the problem, not me and the baby) left her for another woman and I had to pick up the pieces.

I say all of this because- I’ve managed to salvage my relationship with her by being brutally honest about what her reneging on promises has meant in terms of impact on my life. And that I would prefer she never promised anything, that promised and went back on it.

She got the message. She now helps out with childcare one day a week and NEVER cancels unless she’s ill.

@stayathomer

People's situations change, their ideas change, their health changes, and there's been a pandemic. This could have forced them to start thinking about what they can and can't do or can and can't afford. I'm only 40 but even now I'm wondering how the hell grandparents manage young children, Ihave only the rumblings of arthritis and I wonder all the bending down, running after etc. I find it so sad you think this could change your relationship with your parent. Yes talk it out with them but theyve every right to have changed their mind, both things were huge commitments, probably commitments they had full intention of seeing through

That's not fine without an acknowledgement, especially when the brother has had all of this.i don't believe that parents owe their children childcare or financial support, but they do owe their children honesty and apologies when they're due

This would annoy me too because in their heads they've done it just by offering. They've probably forgot the withdrawal.

It is up to them of course. But I would make it clear that when the time comes they need your help your brother can do it.

Sounds like they’re saying it to keep an element of control over you. Are they trying to keep you living nearby?

YANBU. When promises are made they should be stuck to. As PP said ".i don't believe that parents owe their children childcare or financial support, but they do owe their children honesty and apologies when they're due".

@user1471538283

This would annoy me too because in their heads they've done it just by offering. They've probably forgot the withdrawal.

It is up to them of course. But I would make it clear that when the time comes they need your help your brother can do it.

That 'tit for tat' thing I don't really understand. I'd never do it - I would either be able to/want to help - or I wouldn't, but it wouldn't be because they didn't perform.

I think if it's got that bad that you'd be 'totting up' and making decisions based on the outcome, best to cut ties altogether.

I feel if I have this argument with my dad we may never speak again. I could not speak to them again but then my daughter would miss out on a relationship with her grandparents. I'm not surprised by it really as my dad is a selfish person and has made smaller false promises before. Though he did insist on these things so I am very hurt this time

i would tell your dad how hurt you are. say the money is now not an issue but his behaviour is and you dont appreciate it. Worst case he decides to cut contact and your daughter loses out on a relationship...with a man who will promise her the world and then make her feel the way you do now.

I wonder if they were in a different financial situation with your brother and whether either experiencing the freedom of retirement or else the concerns of covid has put them off long term childcare support.

Whilst I understand why you feel disappointed in them, I think you need to either leave it and not take them seriously with anything they offer in the future or else be prepared to finish your relationship with them (and your brother) over it.

YANBU. I'd never trust them again. There's not much more you can do, though I will say this: If they don't help you when they can (and have said they would), they shouldn't expect you to help if/when they get a bit older and might otherwise expect you to pitch in when possible. I wouldn't help unless I wanted to.

If their circumstances have changed to make their promises impossible, they need to say so! As it is, it seems far more likely that they've just changed their minds, or one of them has, and the other won't stand up and keep their word.

Tell them you desperately need the money.

They should not have promised things they don't want to give. Are they worried your partner will benefit from the money?

Tbh OP I think clearly closure is needed. If it meant you never did speak to him, would you not feel better about expressing your feelings? Compressing them to keep the peace rarely ends well. He’s treating you badly, he’s your father, you’re his daughter, that means something yes, but the most painful relationships are the ones that travel only one way. Are there undertones to this? Is it that he’s selfish or is it that the relationship you have with him tarnished? Why aren’t you close to your father, and your mother has no say in how unfair this is? Is he fantastic with your child?

As for it being "tit for tat", people may look at it that way. I see it like this... If someone lies to me, gets my hopes up and then shrugs and changes their mind, that damages our relationship. If someone repeatedly hurts me, I probably won't be inclined to help them.

There's not some mental notebook where I put gold stars and frowny faces in a column under someone's name, but if someone misleads me or is unhelpful, it affects me. Perhaps only subconsciously, it changes how I'll react if they ever come to me for help. How we treat people generally reflects back on us, whether or not it's a deliberate decision.

my daughter would miss out on a relationship with her grandparents

She would miss out on a relationship with people who are likely to disappoint her. You don't like your father and your mother sounds weak, they have both let you down. Keeping your daughter away from people like that will be no loss to her.

So you would be happy to fall out with them and not talk to them ever again about money (If it wasnt for your daughter)
Wow!