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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents going back on promise to help with childcare and money

102 replies

meeeeh · 10/03/2021 15:50

So I’ve recently had a baby and bought a house. My brother has had a lot of help from my parents financially. I’ve never asked for anything but was told that when I bought a house I’d have help with a deposit as they felt strongly that me and my brother should have the same. I said they didn’t have to do this but they insisted they wanted to. Anyway they never gave me this money. I was then told I would have the money when my parents retired, this still hasn’t happened and I haven’t asked about it till now.
I was also promised when I was pregnant and when my baby was born that they would help with childcare to help me keep my job. Nothing has been mentioned of this for ages. Now I’m due back to work in a few months I asked if they would help out 1 or 2 days a week like they said and they said they can’t commit to set days but they will visit when they can (which doesn’t help with me going back to work). They said they want the freedom to do what they want, when they want with their retirement and not to be tied.
Re the money they’ve now said money is there if I desperately need it as opposed to it being given to put towards my house.
What annoys me the most is the false promises, why not just be honest from the start about all these things? Right now I am angry and feel I don’t want to speak to them because of this. AIBU?

OP posts:

Blancah · 11/03/2021 13:58

I'd ignore some of the PPs you can't demand anybody else's money, for anything under any circumstances ffs.
Whilst it's thoroughly shit, and your parents should be ashamed of themselves for their treatment of you, making demands is only going to ensure you come off looking far far worse.

Make peace with it and move on or else you'll become bitter. Nobody likes a Bitter Betty.

notalwaysalondoner · 11/03/2021 14:12

I think the childcare thing you have to let go, no formal arrangement was made and it’s their prerogative to change their mind.

But I would ask for the money. Even if you don’t “desperately need it” - did your brother? Having a new baby is a perfect excuse “We really need that money now, we need childcare, updates to house, will help us give her best start in life etc”. Don’t over justify it, just say you really need it and sit back and wait.

Sometimes you have to advocate for yourself and push your own needs eg. The earlier poster whose DB got 3 days a week childcare and she got none despite her DB earning 3x what she did but he “couldn’t afford childcare”. Clearly she didn’t fight her corner clearly enough and he was better at persuasion. They can still say no of course but at least you’ve given your best shot.

SandyY2K · 11/03/2021 14:34

but was told that when I bought a house I’d have help with a deposit as they felt strongly that me and my brother should have the same. I said they didn’t have to do this

You shouldn't have said they didn't have to, they know they didn't have to. They could have interpreted your response as you don't need the money. I would have just said..thanks.

Regarding the childcare, their response isn't helpful. Do they have a proper understanding of how childcare works?

It seems they only want to be emergency childcare.

Maybe tell them you could do with the money towards childcare, as you were thinking they'd be able to do one day a week. It's up to you.

Nanny0gg · 11/03/2021 14:38

@meeeeh

I've told my mother how I feel, she just blames my dad and said it's his decision. I'm not close to my dad, but much closer to my mother. I feel if I have this argument with my dad we may never speak again. I could not speak to them again but then my daughter would miss out on a relationship with her grandparents. I'm not surprised by it really as my dad is a selfish person and has made smaller false promises before. Though he did insist on these things so I am very hurt this time

Speaking as a grandparent, you don't miss what you've never had.

Unless you're absolutely sure they'll be loving, kind grandparents, not having a relationship with them won't be the end of the world.

Snowball70 · 11/03/2021 15:06

Speaking as a grandparent, you don't miss what you've never had.

Unless you're absolutely sure they'll be loving, kind grandparents, not having a relationship with them won't be the end of the world.

very true 🌺

LookItsMeAgain · 11/03/2021 15:18

@meeeeh

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I wrote a message to them explaining how I feel and they replied that they will do one day a week but it needs to be flexible if they have appointments, etc. It's just left a bad taste now and is hard to trust them. So me and my partner will try to find a way to cover childcare ourselves. I'm not sure how my relationship will be with them going forward as I am hurt

I'd have to follow up with a closing message saying that you were not aware of any terms and conditions being applied to the gift of money to your brother when he was buying a home or when he was asking for childcare. As such the if reply that they have given you is what you are to expect, then you would rather not have anything. They have together damaged the relationship they have with you and as a result their granddaughter. You are hurt that they could change their tune and not treat you the same as your brother and it has been noticed. You want to put a line under the situation now but you will not be available to them for some considerable time as you come to terms with how they are treating you.

I'm so sorry that they are being so unhelpful to you when you can see how they are to your brother and his family. It sucks!

Bluebellbike · 11/03/2021 15:30

I have given money for house deposits to both my DC, both had the same amount even though one needed funds more than the other. One DC was moving to a new house with a partner, although partner was destitute and in a lot of debt. So my DC bought the house himself. I really disliked and did not trust the partner but did not withhold the deposit money as that would be unfair. My DC's partner is now in a remand prison awaiting sentencing and I am doing all I can to provide practical and emotional support to my DC.

ChippyChickenChips · 11/03/2021 15:31

I'd be upset at the money though. That isn't something that changes unless there is a financial reason. Which there may be

We gave one of our daughters a substantial house deposit with full intention of doing the same for her sister when the time came. Unfortunately, circumstances have changed and we just don't have the wherewithal any more. I hope she doesn't hate me for it.

Snowball70 · 11/03/2021 15:38

oh dear, this is unfortunate, obviously circumstances change 🌺

kittycorner · 11/03/2021 22:20

I understand @meeeeh it's not really about the money or childcare, but about the way they've handled it, communication, not seeing how hurt you are.

I'd be very wary they'd routinely cancel that day. My dc's grandparent whose involved/local does that too. Over promises, even though I don't expect, nor do I ask tbh.

I'm never sure why parents/grandparents do this, especially treating their dc and grandchildren differently. It seems often like it's not the most in need adult dc that gets help, but the favourite.

ExtraordinaryQuince · 11/03/2021 22:30

Your dad sounds as though he'd control you after giving it anyhow. I would back off a bit.

Chickenfingers · 11/03/2021 22:49

Similar happened to me, first with money from when my mum died, he promised me £10k (of about £80k) for house deposit, my dad kept delaying helping with houses, turned out he didn't want to give me and spent himself.
We went ahead without his help and got help from my DP's family, and he promised he'd instead give us money to help with some extra bits (at a cost of about £1k) and didn't. Although did do us a £100 shop for pans ect, I guess that's something.
He also said he wanted to give my baby daughter a monthly amount and was going to set up a savings bank account to do so, I said it had to be in my name and id let him know when it's set up, that was agreed and absolutely fine. When I did I gave him the bank details but because of the conditions of the account it had to be a max amount and only on certain dates, he said he'll give money when he wants and it's not for me to dictate whether he wants to give his granddaughter money, and hasn't put any in at all, she's over a year old now.

FlickeringHugs · 11/03/2021 23:03

@ChippyChickenChips We gave one of our daughters a substantial house deposit with full intention of doing the same for her sister when the time came. Unfortunately, circumstances have changed and we just don't have the wherewithal any more. I hope she doesn't hate me for it.

i think a lot of the issues are down to communication. parents either pretending they didnt say it, some outright denying they promised anything, making out the child is selfish/spoilt for asking, changing the terms of the agreement (like with OP where they changed the goals posts) or just not mentioning it so the child is waiting but not wanting to ask. Im sure if you sat your daughter down BEFORE the money is needed or she has to ask and said "right, i know we did X for X but we just cant afford it and we are sorry" she would appreciate it and it would make a huge difference. She can then plan without it and not expect. If I were in your situation I would try to offer her an alternative if that is an option. Such as "if things change we will give you it" or, if you own a property, her inheritance is increased by the X you gave her sister (then the remainder split).

The fact you hope she doesnt hate you shows youre a nice person

LouiseTrees · 11/03/2021 23:37

@ChippyChickenChips

I'd be upset at the money though. That isn't something that changes unless there is a financial reason. Which there may be

Presumably you explained this though?

billy1966 · 12/03/2021 09:57

@ChippyChickenChips

I'd be upset at the money though. That isn't something that changes unless there is a financial reason. Which there may be

I hope you acknowledge it with your daughter and don't just ignore the issue.

I also hope that you tell her that if circumstances improve you will do everything you can to help her.

Do not take for granted that she will be ok with it.

I really admire parents who are straight down the middle their children.

It is not just about the money, it is about perceived fairness.

YoniAndGuy · 12/03/2021 10:00

I'd just say that yes, you do desperately need the money, you'll partly be putting it towards childcare and also, seeing that they were keen to help your brother, they're now in the position of either giving you the money or treating you differently - it's their choice, but they need to own it.

Take the money so that this doesn't fester, you can then draw a line and know they at least did treat you equally on paper. Never mention childcare again, and treat them as they treat you going forward.

If they do favour your brother - fine. It will carry on being obvious and then you can tell yourself you've no need to feel guilty at doing a LOT less than him when they need help.

HandlebarLadyTash · 12/03/2021 10:23

Reading the thread it's not uncommon . I think I felt I was one of the few people who had promises of money for the mortgage (that didn't happen) & offers of childcare (but were rarely avalible)
And yes in our case there is a sibling who has received both.
We just ignore it now & will be very much doing 50/50 with the two DCs.
I feel it has to be the same for both as life situations can change

noimnotdoingit · 12/03/2021 10:59

Similar situation here. It's sad, and I'm too proud to tell them how much it upset me, not for me so much as my DC.

I tell you what though, I hope my sibling really steps up when our parents are elderly and need help. I'm not saying I won't help, of course I will, just that I will be giving her the opportunity to do the LION'S SHARE!

Original poster

meeeeh · 12/03/2021 11:30

I was always too proud before having my daughter to bring anything up, I also don't like confrontation so normally just let things go. But now I have and they have said they will do one day a week childcare, but I've said I can't trust them to as they've changed their minds on this 3x in the last couple of months.

They've now said with the money they can't afford it as they're retired and don't have an income coming in, although my dad has just had inheritance money and I was told I would get the money when he retires! The trust has gone. My dad has high blood pressure so my mother has said she doesn't want me arguing with him or putting his blood pressure up.

They wanted to visit today to see my daughter but I said it's best not to. I am feeling too hurt. I can't see them budging on any of this so either I just cut them both of or forgive but never trust them again. It's hard as I'm close to my mother but not my dad, although I’ve lost a lot of respect for both of them over this

OP posts:

Symbion · 12/03/2021 11:42

I understand you are hurt but I do think they will interpret this as "meeeh cut us off from our granddaughter when we didn't stump up the cash and free childcare she was wanting". Rightly or wrongly.

You are right not rely on them for childcare but if you can nudge the door open a bit to ongoing social visits, it might stop this becoming a huge feud. Fine, say no this time but maybe suggest another date a few weeks away, or say they are welcome to take DD out from nursery for the odd afternoon if they wish.

Original poster

meeeeh · 12/03/2021 12:07

@Symbion that's great advice, thank you 💐

OP posts:

TheSoapyFrog · 12/03/2021 12:24

YANBU. I always wished my parents would offer to have the kids so I could work, but there's no way they would for the same reasons your parents have given. And it's also the same reason I'm unlikely to offer for my children when they have kids.
It's even more unfair that your brother got all this.
I'd take the money now tbh, you're desperate for it as you need childcare to work!

JaninaDuszejko · 12/03/2021 12:51

I disagree you have to treat each child absolutely the same - equality is not about being treated the same. We give according to needs and it has varied from child to child over time - their circumstances are different. They know we do our best by each of them and that we love them the same but differently.

I'm sure this is similar to what DM would say but I'm not quite sure how she thinks she's capable of assessing needs. While DBro (who inherited the family business and house so didn't have a mortgage) was getting tens of thousands of pounds worth of childcare from her and we got none (not expected, we lived further away) I regularly got complaints of how I wasn't as generous with Christmas presents. She couldn't seem to understand why I couldn't afford to spend hundreds on her.

Crowsaregreat · 12/03/2021 12:59

Could there be something behind the scenes to explain it, that they don't want to tell you about? Illness or relationship problems? How long has passed since they helped your brother? A decade or so can give you a really different outlook on life.

Devlesko · 12/03/2021 13:02

Tell them and ask why brother is favoured over you.
Perhaps your brother can be the one to take care of them in older age as he obviously has more money to do so.

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