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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with my BFs living arrangements?

121 replies

SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 12:55

In the past 6 months I have been dating (socially distanced at first, but we are now bubbled up) a new chap. I’ve not got any kids, and nor do I want any, but he has 4 kids aged between 17 and 12, and he is heavily invested in spending as much time with them as possible.

He has been separated from his ex-wife for a couple of years, and they’ve got a pretty unusual living arrangement. Basically, they take turns living in the family home with the kids, and also take turns living in a static caravan they own a few miles away. They don’t stay in either place at the same time, but do occasionally bump into each other when one arrives before the other has left.

They each have their own bed in the master bedroom in the family home, and they each have their own bedroom in the static caravan. The kids spend most of the time in the family home with whichever parent is staying with them, but (pre-Covid) occasionally visited the static caravan for an overnight, to use the caravan park facilities (he is legally allowed to stay there even during Covid due to having nowhere else to live). They also spend the day as a family for the children’s birthdays, and have a Sunday lunch together some weeks.

Other than when bumping into each other, the only one-on-one time he spends with his ex-wife is a short weekly meeting to discuss financial matters, to work through diaries, and agree on any parenting issues.

I’ve asked him about why they do things this way, and he says it is mostly due to money (no equity in house for them to sell it and buy separate houses big enough for the kids, plus the cost of school fees), and also to minimise disruption for the children.

He says they plan to do things more or less this way for the next four years, at which point they should have enough equity in the house to put down separate deposits, and the school fees will have ended so mortgage affordability should improve, and at the same time two of his kids will be away at university so they can each get away with smaller houses. He did say if he manages to save enough money quickly enough he might buy a small studio flat for either him or his ex-wife to live in so that he and his ex-wife can each have something entirely their own in the meantime.

Anyway, having read back what I’ve read it all sounds totally reasonable, but I still can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable with it, but I’m not sure why. What do other people think? AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this arrangement?

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 10/03/2021 12:59

That arrangement, children staying in the home, parents alternating, isn't all that unusual. I thinks it's called 'nesting' and means the children can have one home.

As an aside, I don't think buying a smaller house when two of the children go to university will necessarily work, where will they go between terms?

Coriandersucks · 10/03/2021 13:00

That’s how I would want to do things if I ever split from the father of my children - though would want a flat or something rather than a caravan! Like he says it’s minimal disruption for the children and if they can share the space well and it works for them it sounds sensible.

Are you worried there’s still something between them?

PicaK · 10/03/2021 13:01

They are "bird nesting". It's not very prevalent but enough divorced people do it so it's got its own name.
They are both putting the kids first - no shifting possessions, fortnite accounts, etc etc.
I'd honestly say you've found a good bloke here. Kids genuinely important. Maintaining cordial relations with their mum. Long term planning.
Nip over to the Divorce Board and have a read of just what utter cuntish behaviour some dads (and mums) exhibit.
Don't leave him - he's not a bastard!!

thedevilinablackdress · 10/03/2021 13:02

It sounds like a sensible, mature arrangement that benefits the children. Unusual though.
Not all students return home during hols or not for the whole time. I never did.

HollowTalk · 10/03/2021 13:05

I don't think it's a bad arrangement, but I can't see how it works for you. Has he been staying with you instead of the caravan? You wouldn't be able to live together for the next four years, would you?

He has four children - that's a hell of a lot for you to deal with when you don't have any of your own.

Tbh I'd go for someone who you could actually have some sort of future with. It's very unlikely he'll want children with you, is it?

Floralnomad · 10/03/2021 13:05

It sounds like they are very sensible , reasonable people who are managing to coexist and put the needs of their children first .

Owwlie · 10/03/2021 13:06

It’s unusual but I think it’s actually a great idea. The kids get consistency and he’s financially it works out best for all of them. I think I’d be impressed that they had found a way to put the kids first, that he was keen on spending lots of time with them and that he wasn’t trying to financially screw over his ex! Lots of men I know have done the opposite when marriages have broken down so I’d see it as quite positive. Plus he has a plan to make sure it’s not forever.

Pollaidh · 10/03/2021 13:06

Sounds pretty good to me, and seems like a decent bloke - children genuinely his priority, as opposed to all talk, good relations with ex wife, and sensible, realistic planning all hint that he's probably a mature and reasonable person.

Is it the caravan that's upsetting you? Would it be different if he had a flat?

Or are you worried about his feelings for his ex-wife? I know a couple where the ex-DH still comes round to read bedtime stories and looks after their kid in the wife's house whilst she's working etc, and it's very amicable but there is definitely no romance left or any chance of them getting back together.

EatTheMince · 10/03/2021 13:06

I've never heard of anyone doing this but it sounds great for the children.

Long term though how would that work for your relationship, would you have an every other week boyfriend?

An0n0n0n · 10/03/2021 13:07

What they are doing is reasonable but on a gut level I would feel funny about it too.

Love51 · 10/03/2021 13:07

It is fairly unusual, but in a good way. I think it takes a huge amount of maturity from both parents for this arrangement to work. From a prospective new partner pov there is the niggle that if they function this well together, why on earth did they break up‽ Is this what you are feeling? In your shoes I'd ask him, but other people might be politer.

Original poster
SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 13:08

@Coriandersucks

I'm pretty sure there isn't anything between them in that way, but the end of their marriage was amicable and he is obviously very fond of her.

I guess it's more that it leaves me feeling like a bit of an outsider. Although I should stress that he totally throws himself into the part of his life he does share with me.

OP posts:
HollysBush · 10/03/2021 13:08

I think this sounds very sensible.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/03/2021 13:08

I’ve heard of this before. It sounds difficult, but I can understand it from a financial perspective.

As for where the kids go when they’re home for uni, it’s only for a few weeks at a time; possibly not even the same time, as uni holidays are not standardised. One stays at mom’s, one at dad’s - easy enough.

Ellpellwood · 10/03/2021 13:10

It's very unlikely he'll want children with you, is it?

She doesn't want any so I'd argue someone who has 4 older children as opposed to 2 toddlers is ideal.

I do agree on the point that you couldn't cohabit for years yet. I couldn't stay overnight at his main house knowing it was his wife's house still.

Pebbledashery · 10/03/2021 13:11

I can understand why you feel this way, I know I would. But he and his ex wife are putting their children first and it is a very sensible approach. I wouldn't feel like an outsider. This is the perils of dating a man with children op. A good father will always put them first.

MyLittleOrangutan · 10/03/2021 13:12

Sounds great. The kids have a consistent home and don't have to split their special occasions. I'd be thrilled to meet someone able to be amicable with their ex and prioritise their children this way. Shows they're mature, committed, responsible, reliable.

You have to decide if you're happy for him to prioritise his kids over his girlfriend, most men dont so if you're wanting someone who sees his kids every other weekend or when it suits him then you'll easily find one of them.

Original poster
SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 13:14

@HollowTalk

I don't want children, so I'm not worried about that. I'm just not very maternal!

We've not broached the subject of living together yet. I have my own place, but it's only been 6 months. I have stayed in the caravan a couple of times, but it feels slightly weird because his ex-wife's stuff is in the bathroom etc. I've never been to their family home.

@Pollaidh

No, I don't think a flat would feel any different - it's more about the sharing of space with an ex-partner.

OP posts:
Sstrongtn · 10/03/2021 13:16

Oh I think he sounds lovely and it’s a great set up, apart from I’d want a flat not a caravan! And his kids are of an age where even if you settle with him you won’t have a lot of young step-parenting to do.

If you don’t feel comfortable Chuck me his number Grin

Dayafterday · 10/03/2021 13:16

How do you feel about being with a man with four children when you have none yourself? (Wouldn’t be for me regardless of the living arrangements.)

Are you thinking you won’t ever be able to go to his place? Where do you spend time together now? Does he have the time to be with you?

BashfulClam · 10/03/2021 13:17

@HollowTalk

I don't think it's a bad arrangement, but I can't see how it works for you. Has he been staying with you instead of the caravan? You wouldn't be able to live together for the next four years, would you?

He has four children - that's a hell of a lot for you to deal with when you don't have any of your own.

Tbh I'd go for someone who you could actually have some sort of future with. It's very unlikely he'll want children with you, is it?

@HollowTalk read the OP, she doesn’t want children.
BashfulClam · 10/03/2021 13:17

I actually think it sounds great for the kids and great that the are amicable. As long as it doesn’t affect you badly then why not roll with it.

HollowTalk · 10/03/2021 13:18

Sorry! Reading it on my phone and didn't notice.

DDiva · 10/03/2021 13:19

It does sound unusual but also In a lot of ways sensible.

The biggest issue I would see is him being tied financially into.this arrangement for some years to come. However if you are happy for your time together to be spent at your house I dont really see a big problem.

cuddlymunchkin · 10/03/2021 13:20

That wouldn't work for me. The family unit is coming first and you're a nobody, an outsider, you don't fit. It won't change when uni starts either, don't fool yourself. In this situation you can recognise the benefit to the family but also be very aware that you will not have a conventional relationship with the dad.

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