AIBU to feel uncomfortable with my BFs living arrangements?

[SweetestTidings]

In the past 6 months I have been dating (socially distanced at first, but we are now bubbled up) a new chap. I’ve not got any kids, and nor do I want any, but he has 4 kids aged between 17 and 12, and he is heavily invested in spending as much time with them as possible.

He has been separated from his ex-wife for a couple of years, and they’ve got a pretty unusual living arrangement. Basically, they take turns living in the family home with the kids, and also take turns living in a static caravan they own a few miles away. They don’t stay in either place at the same time, but do occasionally bump into each other when one arrives before the other has left.

They each have their own bed in the master bedroom in the family home, and they each have their own bedroom in the static caravan. The kids spend most of the time in the family home with whichever parent is staying with them, but (pre-Covid) occasionally visited the static caravan for an overnight, to use the caravan park facilities (he is legally allowed to stay there even during Covid due to having nowhere else to live). They also spend the day as a family for the children’s birthdays, and have a Sunday lunch together some weeks.

Other than when bumping into each other, the only one-on-one time he spends with his ex-wife is a short weekly meeting to discuss financial matters, to work through diaries, and agree on any parenting issues.

I’ve asked him about why they do things this way, and he says it is mostly due to money (no equity in house for them to sell it and buy separate houses big enough for the kids, plus the cost of school fees), and also to minimise disruption for the children.

He says they plan to do things more or less this way for the next four years, at which point they should have enough equity in the house to put down separate deposits, and the school fees will have ended so mortgage affordability should improve, and at the same time two of his kids will be away at university so they can each get away with smaller houses. He did say if he manages to save enough money quickly enough he might buy a small studio flat for either him or his ex-wife to live in so that he and his ex-wife can each have something entirely their own in the meantime.

Anyway, having read back what I’ve read it all sounds totally reasonable, but I still can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable with it, but I’m not sure why. What do other people think? AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this arrangement?

They sound like decent, civilised parents who are putting their children first. All power to them. I don't think there is anything wrong with their set-up, but equally, I don't think there is anything wrong with you not liking it. I guess you just need to decide whether you like him enough to live with the arrangement for the next few years.

Just here to say i love this arrangement and I think he's a catch putting his kids well being first. Wish more families let kids stay on one home and moved themselves.

I think objectively you are probably BU at this stage but I can’t say I wouldn’t also not feel weird/uncomfortable either... tricky.

I guess it’d depend how it’d play out over time particularly in terms of any plans for you both to have a future living together; is he doing that for the next 4 years irrespective of how things might develop with a new partner?

Because I’d find that really difficult to accept because it’ll mean that you can’t really progress the relationship until this timeframe is completed, and four years is a long time.

You haven’t been together long so if I were you I’d see how things pan out before mentioning it, and if the relationship continues to develop then bring it up in maybe 6-12months. Good luck

Sorry forgot- be ready to walk away as opposed to expecting him to be able to change this set-up.

@MammaMiaWallace

I think he plans to do the living in the family home part for the next four years regardless, but the timeshare arrangement in the caravan might be replaced either by him buying an additional place (so he and his ex have a place each, additional to the family home), or by either him or his ex moving in with a new partner.

So if the relationship did progress then I guess I could have him living with me for half the week, but then he'd be in the family home the other half. What I don't know is whether his ex and he would be able to agree that partners can stay in the family home if the relationship gets serious enough. I've never met his wife, so I don't know whether she would entertain this or not.

It sounds ideal from a co-parenting perspective, I can totally see why they do it. But I can also see why you don’t love it - there’s no prospect of space for you until the arrangement ends. His kids will always (rightly) come first so you will just have to work out if you can accept it, or if it’s a deal breaker for you.

I wouldn't enjoy being in your position, and I can understand why you're not a massive fan of it.

However, it does sound like they are 2 really mature people who are putting their children first.

It must be really hard for you though. I don't think I could be with someone who is in that sort of arrangement myself.

@Daphnise

I suppose I might be being naïve, but it doesn't feel like you describe at all. The static caravan situation is definitely true - I've been there, and they very definitely have separate rooms with their own things in. Obviously I can't know for sure that they aren't sleeping together, but if they are - what is the point of their having got divorced?

It's true that I only have his word on the arrangements for the family home, but at some point you need to trust people, surely?

Why would you call it a marriage, when they are divorced and are actively managing their sleep arrangements to never sleep in the same building?

It’s fantastic that they put the children first and co parent so well, but not great for partners

It clearly works for them.

Where do you see your relationship going and is he on the same page?

I wouldn't like the situation as I'd feel on hold for 4 years or whatever.
Their finances are still entangled which means he's going to be skint for a long while.
I would like to be with someone to build a life with as it buying a house, going on holiday, etc.

I wholeheartedly agree with you @SweetestTidings regarding @Daphnise comments.
As I said earlier, I am doing similar, and the thought of shagging my ex makes me feel sick. As it does him which is why we're divorced.
I think this says more about @Daphnise and her own trust/morals than it does about your partner.
For me, I've found the blokes that 'don't trust me' are the ones who would be sleeping with their ex in this situation, which is why they think others would, and is why they're best avoided, iyswim.

@RantyAnty

I'd like to think our relationship is going places, but I am quite cautious about relationships, and I think he is too.

He isn't skint, and it sounds like they have put in place a tight agreement on finances. He earns far more than his ex, so he basically pays the mortgage on the family home, the school fees, and the site fees for the caravan, and any maintenance on the house. They split food costs for the family home 50:50, and buy their own food/supplies separately for the caravan. They have a joint account for use solely for buying essentials for this children which they both pay into equally. Other than that, his money is all his own! His disposable income is still quite a bit more than mine due to his income.

I read a novel where the couple were nesting to minimize disruption for the kids. I think it is great they can be reasonable enough to do that.

I often wonder if this kind of situation mitigates the ill effects of divorce on kids. With 4 children he most likely has at least one that struggles with transitions. Moving every week your entire childhood isn't conducive so I do think this set up is absolutely the best for kids and more people should consider it. They get their rooms, pets, routine etc. all the time.

Having said that, the obvious solution is him moving in with you and I don't like the motivation and wouldn't trust it.

A man who puts his children first, can get on with a woman he has divorced and is adaptable isn't to be sniffed at.

Fantastic arrangement for the children. Spot on parenting there.

Shitty arrangement for having a relationship proper.

I think the nesting arrangement is great. I wouldn't have a problem with that. I do think the single beds in the same master bedroom is odd but with 4 kids I guess there are no spare rooms!

Simple Q though. How old are you and he?

Every single person I know who didn't want kids, not interested at all, in their late 20s-early 30s changed their minds by mid-late 30s. Every single one. Male and female.

Of course there are plenty who don't. But it is enough of a normal pattern that I would say - if you are later 30s or older now, crack on. If you are a good few years younger than this, and thus presumably younger than him, have a think about commiting to a man with 4 kids already who presumably doesn't want more, in case you change your mind on a family in a few years' time.

I think he sounds like a man who is putting his children first. It good that he can have a mature co-parenting relationship with his ex.

@YoniAndGuy

I'm late thirties, he's early forties. I've never had any interest in having kids! I doubt anything will change that in the last few years of fertility left to me!

Yes, they have a five bed house, but they don't want the children to have to share rooms, so decided to just switch out the double bed for two singles.

It makes sense for them and I can understand it. Putting children first and a lot better than some of the game playing or worse other threads on childcare of separated couples highlight.

However, if a relationship on this basis makes you uncomfortable, then be honest and end it.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to feel uncomfortable with. It sounds like a good arrangement with them, but not one that leaves much room for a mutually satisfying relationship. I think he ought to respect that really. I would steer clear.

Why would you even consider spending a second with a chap with this much baggage?

Yeah, they are prioritising the kids which is great really. But shit for new partners. It's OK if you decide its not for you, but I would think slightly less of him if he sacrificed the agreement for you as well...

Sounds as if you have a good/loving/honourable man here!

If he was willing to ditch his 4 children and hate his ex-wife... he would be free to give you 100% attention BUT you would probably want to wonder about how things might go for you in the future.

As things stand, you can see that he is willing to put himself out a bit to make the lives of those he loves better. That sounds like a good quality in a man you might come to love.

@willibald

I'm not sure he'd appreciate his kids being referred to as "baggage"!

I would have thought a Dad with a frosty relationship with his ex, and involved in constant arguments over who has the kids when, would have more "baggage"!

It's not that unusual and it's called nesting as PP have have. However, this could potentially go on another 9 years - if the 12 yo went to Uni, they'd still need to live somewhere between terms, even then they can't kick the kids out as soon as they graduate.

I wouldn't worry about them meeting each other (unless there were other signs they were close) but personally you have to make a big sacrifice if you want to be with him as you don't have a home, only a room in a house or caravan. If you don't want kids how do you feel with 4 step children? Is he even worth that hassle because frankly I wouldn't want it.