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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with my BFs living arrangements?

121 replies

SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 12:55

In the past 6 months I have been dating (socially distanced at first, but we are now bubbled up) a new chap. I’ve not got any kids, and nor do I want any, but he has 4 kids aged between 17 and 12, and he is heavily invested in spending as much time with them as possible.

He has been separated from his ex-wife for a couple of years, and they’ve got a pretty unusual living arrangement. Basically, they take turns living in the family home with the kids, and also take turns living in a static caravan they own a few miles away. They don’t stay in either place at the same time, but do occasionally bump into each other when one arrives before the other has left.

They each have their own bed in the master bedroom in the family home, and they each have their own bedroom in the static caravan. The kids spend most of the time in the family home with whichever parent is staying with them, but (pre-Covid) occasionally visited the static caravan for an overnight, to use the caravan park facilities (he is legally allowed to stay there even during Covid due to having nowhere else to live). They also spend the day as a family for the children’s birthdays, and have a Sunday lunch together some weeks.

Other than when bumping into each other, the only one-on-one time he spends with his ex-wife is a short weekly meeting to discuss financial matters, to work through diaries, and agree on any parenting issues.

I’ve asked him about why they do things this way, and he says it is mostly due to money (no equity in house for them to sell it and buy separate houses big enough for the kids, plus the cost of school fees), and also to minimise disruption for the children.

He says they plan to do things more or less this way for the next four years, at which point they should have enough equity in the house to put down separate deposits, and the school fees will have ended so mortgage affordability should improve, and at the same time two of his kids will be away at university so they can each get away with smaller houses. He did say if he manages to save enough money quickly enough he might buy a small studio flat for either him or his ex-wife to live in so that he and his ex-wife can each have something entirely their own in the meantime.

Anyway, having read back what I’ve read it all sounds totally reasonable, but I still can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable with it, but I’m not sure why. What do other people think? AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this arrangement?

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 10/03/2021 16:21

[quote SweetestTidings]@Branleuse

There's nothing to stop him moving out of the caravan and in with me if we wanted that, so we can move in together. The issue would be that he would still be staying in the family home part of the time - and I'm not sure whether I could ever be part of that.[/quote]
If you and he moved in together, where would his ex stay while he's staying in the family home? They are unlikely to keep on the static caravan to lay idle most of the time. His home with you will surely also become the kids home to come and go from. He has told you his plan to continue their arrangement for at least another 4 years so I suppose you need to decide if that's something you are willing to put up with.

SooMoony · 10/03/2021 16:23

He sounds like a good bloke, and if you don't mind being on the periphery of his life for a while or so yet, then stick with it. Does his ex know about you? Do the children know? I like the childcare arrangements, it sounds very honourable and civilised, but I wouldn't want to be kept a secret, then announced as his significant other in a few years. I'd want to get to know the children and for them to understand you are an important part of his life as well.

DinosaurPantz · 10/03/2021 16:25

Myself and my ex do that currently. I stay at the home we shared monday-friday and at the weekend he stays there and I stay elsewhere. It works for us currently in regards to money and covid situations. I’m mid making a new property suitable for myself and our child and when I have moved, he will be keeping this home for himself. No one has ever suggested our arrangement is weird or uncomfortable..

They would have to bump into eachother when handing the children back and fourth on their own set days anyway?

Original poster

SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 16:29

@Notaroadrunner

I don't know if they would keep the caravan for her to stay in on her "off" days, but it would seem the lowest cost option, so I don't see why they wouldn't. My house is FAR too small to have four children staying over - it's a tiny 2 bed terrace! So the swapping in and out of the family home would have to continue.

OP posts:

LucieStar · 10/03/2021 16:30

They would have to bump into eachother when handing the children back and fourth on their own set days anyway?

To me, bumping into each other on contact days to hand the kids back over is worlds apart from effectively still sharing the same family home and eating Sunday dinners together as a family still. I'd have absolutely no issue with the former (obviously!) - my DD and her Dad have been bumping into each other at handover times for the past 11 years; similarly DP bumps into his exW at these times. It's not the same in my view, thinking of it from the perspective of a new partner.

Original poster

SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 16:31

@SooMoony

His ex wife knows about me. His children currently don't, but like I've said, it has only been 6 months, and we are not rushing into things. We've got as far as planning a holiday now though!

OP posts:

LucieStar · 10/03/2021 16:33

@LucieStar

They would have to bump into eachother when handing the children back and fourth on their own set days anyway?

That sentence made no sense - I meant I've been bumping into DD's dad for 11 years for swap over of contact.

SpaceshiptoMars · 10/03/2021 16:44

These are not the kind of parents that turf kids out at 18 to make their own way in world. They will put their childrens' needs before their own even when those 'kids' are in their thirties!

So - factor in for at least one of the kids to stay in the family home late into their twenties. Expect bounce back if relationships fail for them. Expect lots of parental involvement when grandchildren arrive. Expect many family events where both parents attend. Ask yourself what happens if the ex dies or becomes disabled.

You will need your own separate life for this to work. His life will grow with the grandchildren and yours will shrink. Start a business, wrap yourself up in a charity etc - something that keeps petty concerns out of your head. Be too busy saving the world to be hurt by insufficient priority.

FinallyHere · 10/03/2021 16:46

As for where the kids go when they’re home for uni,

It's really not just going to be for four years.

Even while at Uni, nowadays you can expect some DC to return from Uni and beyond. Oxbridge they can only be away for twenty five weeks a year. And loads of work in holidays might not work so well sharing a room with a sibling.

Certainly not a great environment for a new partner. Or is he looking to live with you, so he can get a two bedroom flat and give two DC a bedroom each?

While it all sounds very amicable, I would want to know much more about the circumstances of their break up, from both parties. Are they divorced or going through the process ? What made it intolerable for them to continue as a married couple. Happens to loads of people but with the maturity and concern for DC shown here, how did it get to that point.

It would the biggest mistake you could make would be to assume that it will just be for four years. It can take quite a bit longer for DC to be established enough to be independently housed.

Fair enough that you do not want your own DC but do think through what they would mean for your years ahead. Sounds as if they might still do Christmas together, and Birthdays. What about longer holidays?

Family weddings, of these DC but also other family weddings and events be and celebrations ? Will you join as his partner or be waiting for him to come back?

Will you be OK with always being the seventh in line to secure any special arrangements for any specific dates?

As their family grows, with the next generation, you could be ever more on the periphery. How do you feel about that?

For someone who currently appears to have no constraints in your life, getting involved with a man who has four children and an ex wife would potentially bring a lot of constraint into your life.

As a step mother of adults with their own adult steps, these are the things that never occurred to me when I first got to know now DH. I'm not sure I would have done anything differently and it has all worked out reasonably ok, but I am very aware nowadays of all the things that might have gone wrong.

What worked for me was to have my own life, so that he is only ever a welcome bonus. If that kind of life works for you, if you might have felt smothered with a partner around all the time, have at it. I know lots of people for whom it would not work. Who would want to have a family Sunday lunch with their partner, not be waiting for him to be finished with his family to come back to you. Etc. For all the family events and holidays.

His large family including four children could easily have something happening most months if not most weeks, plus a covid catch-up of all the things that had been missed.

That feeling you might have of 'there isn't anyone better around ' can feel very pressurising, too. If you concentrate on having the life you want, rather than waiting four or however many years for him, it could all work out brilliantly. Just start with open eyes rather than thinking it's just for a few years.

All the best.

Original poster

SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 16:51

@SpaceshiptoMars

But doesn't everything you've said there apply to ALL parents? Is the takeaway message to not get involved with someone with kids? Or is the takeaway message that its better to get involved with a man who doesn't take much of an active interest in his kids? Wouldn't the situation you describe be even worse if I were a man and my new partner a woman who might take on even more than 50% responsibility for the kids judging by Mumsnet?

Is it really true that parental involvement when a grandparent is greater than that of a parent of four, as you seem to suggest?

It all sounds a bit "The End of the World is Nigh" really!

OP posts:

Carrottop73 · 10/03/2021 17:00

I can see the arrangement works for him and his family but it doesn’t work for you. I would feel exactly like you. Nice arrangement for that family but leaves no space for new partners.

He does have a long term plan, if you can continue as you are until his children are older great. If not this doesn’t sound like a great relationship for you.

Hankunamatata · 10/03/2021 17:05

I dont think I'd mind being in a relationship in this situation. He could stay at yours so you have couple time then you get alone time when he is with his kids. Throw in the odd dinner at family home with them/day out. I think it could work well - as long as your an independent person with own hobbies and friends

SpaceshiptoMars · 10/03/2021 17:09

[quote SweetestTidings]@SpaceshiptoMars

Is it really true that parental involvement when a grandparent is greater than that of a parent of four, as you seem to suggest?

It all sounds a bit "The End of the World is Nigh" really![/quote]
@SweetestTidings These are really quite exceptional parents! Hats off to them, but the road map ahead for you is highlighted like an airport runway.

You need to be exceptional too. Are you? Only you can tell. If you fall out with any of the children or the ex, the relationship will be in grave trouble. So maybe a separation of lives is safer, but it will be difficult to maintain as the years go by.

He is not really free at the moment. He's a good man though, so you may be prepared to wait the years it takes.

As to grandchildren, yes, do not underestimate how much a grandparent can 'fall in love' with their grandchildren! He could end up with 16

MuddleMoo · 10/03/2021 17:12

If it works for them I think you either have to take it or leave it. It sounds good for the kids.

MuddleMoo · 10/03/2021 17:13

I don't think I could cope with it personally

Ellpellwood · 10/03/2021 17:19

I do think it's like 50/50 on steroids. 50% of the time his house is pretty much off-limits and then the other 50% may coincide with 4 child birthdays, his birthday, her birthday, easter, Christmas, graduations/results days. Most divorced couples do something separately for those with new partners.

LucieStar · 10/03/2021 17:22

@Ellpellwood

50/50 on steroids 😂

I agree though - it's a step too far for me.

PicaK · 10/03/2021 18:23

@Sstrongtn

Oh I think he sounds lovely and it’s a great set up, apart from I’d want a flat not a caravan! And his kids are of an age where even if you settle with him you won’t have a lot of young step-parenting to do.

If you don’t feel comfortable Chuck me his number

I was in line before you!!

WhereamI88 · 10/03/2021 19:01

I'm not sure I could go along with that. If I'm going for a serious relationship, I'd want to live together, not live on my own half the month. It seems ok for now but it really restricts how your relationship can evolve and, frankly, it sounds like too much hassle.

justanotherremainer · 10/03/2021 19:19

Honestly OP he sounds like a great Dad who puts his kids first. Good on him for that, it’s not that common!

I would have loved to be able to have an arrangement like this with my ex, but his post separation abuse means that we are now in the court system and things will never be normal again.

It’s a lot for you to take on, in terms of being able to accept it, but if you are sure you love him, don’t want your own kids, and think he is genuine and a good man, I think you should stick with it.

Good luck x

RootyT00t · 10/03/2021 20:17

I think it's a fine arrangement for them, but....

There is no future for you. How will you live with him and you may well change your mind on children.

Do you stay with him at the moment? Have I missed that?

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