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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with my BFs living arrangements?

121 replies

SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 12:55

In the past 6 months I have been dating (socially distanced at first, but we are now bubbled up) a new chap. I’ve not got any kids, and nor do I want any, but he has 4 kids aged between 17 and 12, and he is heavily invested in spending as much time with them as possible.

He has been separated from his ex-wife for a couple of years, and they’ve got a pretty unusual living arrangement. Basically, they take turns living in the family home with the kids, and also take turns living in a static caravan they own a few miles away. They don’t stay in either place at the same time, but do occasionally bump into each other when one arrives before the other has left.

They each have their own bed in the master bedroom in the family home, and they each have their own bedroom in the static caravan. The kids spend most of the time in the family home with whichever parent is staying with them, but (pre-Covid) occasionally visited the static caravan for an overnight, to use the caravan park facilities (he is legally allowed to stay there even during Covid due to having nowhere else to live). They also spend the day as a family for the children’s birthdays, and have a Sunday lunch together some weeks.

Other than when bumping into each other, the only one-on-one time he spends with his ex-wife is a short weekly meeting to discuss financial matters, to work through diaries, and agree on any parenting issues.

I’ve asked him about why they do things this way, and he says it is mostly due to money (no equity in house for them to sell it and buy separate houses big enough for the kids, plus the cost of school fees), and also to minimise disruption for the children.

He says they plan to do things more or less this way for the next four years, at which point they should have enough equity in the house to put down separate deposits, and the school fees will have ended so mortgage affordability should improve, and at the same time two of his kids will be away at university so they can each get away with smaller houses. He did say if he manages to save enough money quickly enough he might buy a small studio flat for either him or his ex-wife to live in so that he and his ex-wife can each have something entirely their own in the meantime.

Anyway, having read back what I’ve read it all sounds totally reasonable, but I still can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable with it, but I’m not sure why. What do other people think? AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this arrangement?

OP posts:
SciFiScream · 10/03/2021 15:28

He sounds like a really decent man. Really decent.

willibald · 10/03/2021 15:30

I don't really care what he'd appreciate. Taking that on when you're single and childfree is really making a rod for your own back. Head over to the step parenting section and read the threads there.

Branleuse · 10/03/2021 15:32

I dont see how youd fit in to this. It doesnt sound like youd be able to move in together any time soon or progress the relationship

Original poster
SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 15:32

@TillyTopper

I definitely take your point on the 9 years, and I hadn't thought about that.

I think (if things went well) that we could have a home together - either mine, or us buying one together. But we might not be able to live in it together all the time if he keeps up his current arrangement of staying in the family home on the days he is looking after the children.

OP posts:
Dayafterday · 10/03/2021 15:33

If you don’t want kids, do you actually want four step kids?

ChronicallyCurious · 10/03/2021 15:34

I think it sounds like a perfectly sensible arrangement. I know someone who’s parents did something similar when we were teens, but flat not caravan.

Agree with other posters though, YANBU if you decide this is not for you. You would BU if you expected him to put you and your relationship above his kids, and obviously this arrangement means he’s putting them first. So you need to decide if you can live with this for the next x amount of years or would it get old really fast?

Original poster
SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 15:34

@Branleuse

There's nothing to stop him moving out of the caravan and in with me if we wanted that, so we can move in together. The issue would be that he would still be staying in the family home part of the time - and I'm not sure whether I could ever be part of that.

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 10/03/2021 15:35

I'm not sure this is the relationship for you. His children are always going to be really important and very much present in his life. University aged kids don't just move out never to return home again and lots move back in with their parents post uni while saving for house deposits. There will be weddings and grandchildren and holidays and you will either have to actively welcome his children into your own life or lead a completely separate life for all the time he is with his children, which is unlikely to work. He's never going to be 'free' of them because he's a good dad.
Personally I think that people are in too much of a rush to meld lives and there's a lot to he said for living with someone on a part time basis and not having to to the step parenting role in the same way you would have to if you shared a house. This could be much better for you if you can get your head around the arrangements.

LucieStar · 10/03/2021 15:35

@Branleuse

I dont see how youd fit in to this. It doesnt sound like youd be able to move in together any time soon or progress the relationship

I agree with this - not sure how this is conducive to a new relationship, as good as it might be for his family. The living arrangement thing made a little sense to me, when I tried to imagine it. The Sunday dinners together? Not so much. Why?

Original poster
SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 15:36

@Dayafterday

To be honest I don't particularly want step-kids living with me full time, but it's not that I don't like kids - in fact I work with them. Anyway, one of his kids is nearly an adult, and in 3 years time three out of four of them will be adults. None of them needs a new mum.

OP posts:
MixedUpFiles · 10/03/2021 15:38

To me it shows a man who sees his children as his main priority, aka the kind of man I personally admire and find attractive.

Realistically, you have to decide if someone with 4 children who is very focused on his role as a parent is that he right person for you. I would not pursue the relationship of you are hoping that his focus changes. At most, that he is eventually able to get his own place for his weeks away for his children.

willibald · 10/03/2021 15:44

[quote SweetestTidings]@Dayafterday

To be honest I don't particularly want step-kids living with me full time, but it's not that I don't like kids - in fact I work with them. Anyway, one of his kids is nearly an adult, and in 3 years time three out of four of them will be adults. None of them needs a new mum.[/quote]
Plenty of adults move back in with their parents. It doesn't stop when they're 18.

Sahm101 · 10/03/2021 15:45

Yes they both sound absolutely great in putting their dc first BUT it does seem that you will be on the outside of their family unit. Since you won't be even going into their home, how does he plan to blend you into his family? or does he just want to keep you as a separate part to his family life. I think you should think about what you want for your own future.

jamthencreamyoufool · 10/03/2021 15:48

Anyway, having read back what I’ve read it all sounds totally reasonable, but I still can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable with it, but I’m not sure why. What do other people think? AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this arrangement?

It's not about you. It's their arrangement and it works well for them and their children. It's got nothing whatsoever to do with you, other than if you have an issue with his life you are free to leave it.

You're a new GF of about 5 minutes, your feelings on his long term relationships should be of little consequence.

LucieStar · 10/03/2021 15:52

Anyway, having read back what I’ve read it all sounds totally reasonable, but I still can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable with it, but I’m not sure why. What do other people think? AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this arrangement?

Not at all. It wouldn't sit comfortably with me either as a new partner. I personally wouldn't be sticking around as, like you, I'd be struggling to see where I could possibly fit in to it all. But only you know what you're comfortable with.

Washimal · 10/03/2021 15:53

I think all the posters telling OP she should be grateful he's such a decent bloke are missing the point a bit. Yes, OP's BF and his ex sound like great parents, it's great that everything's amicable and this arrangement clearly works well for them and the kids. But if I've understood the OP correctly she's not judging them or the validity arrangement, more questioning how she fits into it as his partner and that makes her feel. The reality is that she doesn't really fit into the arrangement, or at least not for some years. They can keep 'seeing' each other but can't realistically progress the relationship by living together for at least four years, possibly much longer as all they can't just assume all the DC will go to university and it's a fact that kids are living at home with parents for longer these days due to housing costs. I can see why it's a sensible arrangement for the family unit, but I wouldn't blame OP or any other potential new partner for deciding it's not for them and walking away.

LucieStar · 10/03/2021 15:55

@Washimal

I think all the posters telling OP she should be grateful he's such a decent bloke are missing the point a bit. Yes, OP's BF and his ex sound like great parents, it's great that everything's amicable and this arrangement clearly works well for them and the kids. But if I've understood the OP correctly she's not judging them or the validity arrangement, more questioning how she fits into it as his partner and that makes her feel. The reality is that she doesn't really fit into the arrangement, or at least not for some years. They can keep 'seeing' each other but can't realistically progress the relationship by living together for at least four years, possibly much longer as all they can't just assume all the DC will go to university and it's a fact that kids are living at home with parents for longer these days due to housing costs. I can see why it's a sensible arrangement for the family unit, but I wouldn't blame OP or any other potential new partner for deciding it's not for them and walking away.

Agreed. She's not asking if it's a reasonable arrangement for the family themselves. She's asking if she's reasonable for feeling uncomfortable with it from her own perspective. Which of course she is. Many new partners would feel similarly, me included.

aSofaNearYou · 10/03/2021 15:56

*It's not about you. It's their arrangement and it works well for them and their children. It's got nothing whatsoever to do with you, other than if you have an issue with his life you are free to leave it.

You're a new GF of about 5 minutes, your feelings on his long term relationships should be of little consequence.*

You certainly won't be winning any awards for kindness.

TheChip · 10/03/2021 15:56

Personally, I couldnt manage this but think it's a brilliant set up for the sake of the kids. Also for you as a partner, if you can see only positives in the set up without trust issues creeping in (which would be the case for me).

I think the age of the kids leads it to a great length of time to allow you both to get to know each other properly before you can move forward in a more settled down way.

LucieStar · 10/03/2021 15:58

@aSofaNearYou

*It's not about you. It's their arrangement and it works well for them and their children. It's got nothing whatsoever to do with you, other than if you have an issue with his life you are free to leave it.

You're a new GF of about 5 minutes, your feelings on his long term relationships should be of little consequence.*

You certainly won't be winning any awards for kindness.

I thought the same with the "It's not about you" comment.

No of course not - OP is only the person starting the thread and asking for opinions. Nothing to do with her, at all. Hmm

aSofaNearYou · 10/03/2021 16:01

Not to mention she's said nothing but positive things about his dedication to his kids, and is only asking if it's reasonable for her to be uncomfortable with the arrangement, not whether she should endeavour to change it.

ConcreteUnderpants · 10/03/2021 16:06

Wow. That sounds really great and grown up. Weekly meetings to discuss stuff, minimal disruption for the kids. Sounds like they have done a superb job.

ConcreteUnderpants · 10/03/2021 16:08

Having said though, I completely get how you’d feel a bit of an outsider.
All you can do is wait and see how you are integrated into his family life. Unfortunately only time will tell whether you’ve wasted that time or not. Wish you luck

Naunet · 10/03/2021 16:09

I think it sounds like a great arrangement for the kids, but like hell would I want to get involved in it! Do you really want to get involved with a man with 4 kids when you’ve never wanted kids?!

Original poster
SweetestTidings · 10/03/2021 16:16

@Naunet

It's a good question. I guess I'm happy with an "auntie" type role - I've got several nieces and nephews whom I love to bits, and I take an active role in their lives. A "mum" type role I feel much less comfortable with.

I guess a man without kids would be simpler, but my dating experience to date with guys like that hasn't been too successful! And actually, quite a few men of my preferred age group (mid thirties to mid forties) who don't already have kids, are wanting them now. I think a previous poster mentioned something about that.

OP posts:
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