AIBU to feel uncomfortable with my BFs living arrangements?

[SweetestTidings]

In the past 6 months I have been dating (socially distanced at first, but we are now bubbled up) a new chap. I’ve not got any kids, and nor do I want any, but he has 4 kids aged between 17 and 12, and he is heavily invested in spending as much time with them as possible.

He has been separated from his ex-wife for a couple of years, and they’ve got a pretty unusual living arrangement. Basically, they take turns living in the family home with the kids, and also take turns living in a static caravan they own a few miles away. They don’t stay in either place at the same time, but do occasionally bump into each other when one arrives before the other has left.

They each have their own bed in the master bedroom in the family home, and they each have their own bedroom in the static caravan. The kids spend most of the time in the family home with whichever parent is staying with them, but (pre-Covid) occasionally visited the static caravan for an overnight, to use the caravan park facilities (he is legally allowed to stay there even during Covid due to having nowhere else to live). They also spend the day as a family for the children’s birthdays, and have a Sunday lunch together some weeks.

Other than when bumping into each other, the only one-on-one time he spends with his ex-wife is a short weekly meeting to discuss financial matters, to work through diaries, and agree on any parenting issues.

I’ve asked him about why they do things this way, and he says it is mostly due to money (no equity in house for them to sell it and buy separate houses big enough for the kids, plus the cost of school fees), and also to minimise disruption for the children.

He says they plan to do things more or less this way for the next four years, at which point they should have enough equity in the house to put down separate deposits, and the school fees will have ended so mortgage affordability should improve, and at the same time two of his kids will be away at university so they can each get away with smaller houses. He did say if he manages to save enough money quickly enough he might buy a small studio flat for either him or his ex-wife to live in so that he and his ex-wife can each have something entirely their own in the meantime.

Anyway, having read back what I’ve read it all sounds totally reasonable, but I still can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable with it, but I’m not sure why. What do other people think? AIBU to feel uncomfortable about this arrangement?

@Dayafterday

We have tended to spend time at my place rather than his caravan, I think we both prefer this.

He definitely makes time to be with me - he hasn't cancelled on me yet, although we've had a couple of dates interrupted by a phone call from one of his kids wanting help with homework!

Kids at uni still need a home I'm afraid, so that part of his plan isn't going to work.

It is a good setup IMO.

It sounds a fantastic idea in theory and great for the kids to stay in the same house, but if I was divorcing my DH it would be because I had finally had enough of him leaving his shit everywhere and not doing enough housework, so couldn't imagine having to deal with it indefinitely in two separate places. He sounds like a good guy and I admire them both for being able to make it work and put the kids first but it definitely must be a bit weird and awkward for you.

Sounds like a good idea to me. He sounds a committed dad. You said you don’t want children, this arrangement will end in time. I think it’s a good thing.

What nice, mature and amicable parents they both seem.. doing what is right for the children to minimise disruption and keep some stability for them
It's a shame more ex partners are not like tjis

It is early days in the relationship, he could probably afford moving in with you.
His wife could have the caravan to herself, his commitments with the DC probably won't change.
You have to decide if you're willing to be part of his life with his DC coming first sometimes.
It is tough as you've no DC.

Far better than traipsing 4 children between homes that aren't big enough because there aren't enough resources.

Sounds unsual but also sensible on many levels - it doesn't suggest any 'unfinished business' with ex or greater likelihood of them falling into bed together, if that's what your concerned about. I guess him having a new relationship complicates things a bit, but seeing as you don't want kids it doesn't have to be too much of an issue.

It's a great set up for them and the kids - less disruption for the kids and less financial strain while they share the use of the caravan. Because of this arrangement, moving in with you won't be an option unless you get a house to fit the kids too. They would need to be able to come and go because the current arrangement of him going to their house wouldn't work anymore, given that his ex wouldn't have anywhere to stay while he'd be there. Are you happy to be in a realtionship, living with someone who has kids coming to stay? As they get older they may still want to stay, or even live with their dad. Or are you happy to continue with him staying at yours on the days/nights he is free, and not moving in together at all until he's in a better financial position?

Hi op. I mean this with the greatest of respect, but you do have to accept his kids come first. He sounds like a wonderfully committed father, which is far better than most of the sh*t dad's users post about on here.. His kids need him and this sounds like the best set up for them. Whilst he's with you he's not going to instantly forget his kids..
Have you met his kids yet?

It sounds like both parents are doing everything they can to put their children first which is fantastic and you would be unreasonable to try and change their arrangement.

But YANBU to say this arrangement doesn't work for you and to walk away. You get to decide your own boundaries and if his living arrangements make you uncomfortable it doesn't matter whether strangers on the Internet agree... lifes too short!

It sounds like a great way of doing things for the children but I don’t think it’s unsurprising that a new partner would find it a bit uncomfortable - it makes planning a future together quite tricky

@Milkshake7489

It sounds like both parents are doing everything they can to put their children first which is fantastic and you would be unreasonable to try and change their arrangement.

But YANBU to say this arrangement doesn't work for you and to walk away. You get to decide your own boundaries and if his living arrangements make you uncomfortable it doesn't matter whether strangers on the Internet agree... lifes too short!

I agree with this.

Sounds okay to me I know 2 different couples who do this, each couple do it for a different reason. It works for your BF and his ex and has done for sometime by the sounds of it, I don’t see why he would change it for a GF of 6 months. If you get serious or his ex gets serious with someone maybe they will look at the situation again. You have the choice to walk away if it’s not the sort of relationship you want.

Sounds like he is a really nice man doing best for his kids

How are you going to slot into this arrangement are their two double beds in the parents master room ?

@cuddlymunchkin

That wouldn't work for me. The family unit is coming first and you're a nobody, an outsider, you don't fit. It won't change when uni starts either, don't fool yourself. In this situation you can recognise the benefit to the family but also be very aware that you will not have a conventional relationship with the dad.

I agree with this. It does sound great for the children but they are not the concern here, the concern is whether this arrangement is working for you, OP, and if it's making you uncomfortable (as it would me) then I would think about calling it quits. It sounds like he and his ex wife will be tightly enmeshed in each other's lives for years to come and that will impact on your relationship. I couldn't see a future with someone who didn't have his own living space and who wouldn't be able to progress the relationship forward for a (bare minimum) of 4 years.

Are you happy to be on the side for the next 4 years? If you are then crack on but it sounds to me like you're hoping for the relationship to progress into living together and building a life together, which will not be possible in this set up.

I voted YABU because I think to take an issue would be unreasonable, but I also have sympathy for how you feel as an outsider looking in.

The main thing to reflect on is what you see happening in this relationship. If you move in together, would you be happy with him being with you/DC on a rota basis? If you bought a property together what would the impact be of him owning a property with his ex wife?

If you are happy with this arrangement lasting into adulthood then you've got a relationship with a man who loves his kids and has an amicable coparenting relationship with their ex.
If you aren't happy with this as long term arrangement then YANBU to decide to call things a day.

Yabu.
It's a good set up, which puts the kids as priority.
I still live with my exhusband, because it's nicer for the kids. I don't fancy him at all (hence ex) but am perfectly good friends so could easily be photographed laughing with him at a bbq for example.
I'm online dating. Any bloke who has an issue with our setup, I think has trust issues, and I am the one thus not interested.

@HollowTalk

I don't think it's a bad arrangement, but I can't see how it works for you. Has he been staying with you instead of the caravan? You wouldn't be able to live together for the next four years, would you?

He has four children - that's a hell of a lot for you to deal with when you don't have any of your own.

Tbh I'd go for someone who you could actually have some sort of future with. It's very unlikely he'll want children with you, is it?

OP already siad she doesn't want children. Why assume this is the only type of future in a relationship?

@Pebbledashery

No, I've not met his kids yet. He has told his ex-wife that he is seeing someone, and there is a photo of me and him together in his bedroom in the caravan, so if she has ever opened the door she will have seen that anyway. I'm not sure whether his kids know about me.

I'd say this isn't the relationship for you.

And as for his living arrangements, I wouldn't believe a word of it.

He's doing a lot more than seeing her for two minutes when he claims they "cross over".

Best to find someone not still in a marriage- because this is what he is. Your doubts are only too correct.

The children at uni don't necessarily need a 'proper' home once they've left. In all of my group of friends (both school and uni cohorts) we left home at 18 and went to uni, only went home during vacation for the odd week - staying in the uni city was much more fun and there were more holiday jobs.

I can see how some people might not like mixing with his ex-wife. I personally wouldn't have an issue as I'm friends with my exes and we all get on with the current partners. Perhaps you could meet his ex and see if you can be on friendly terms? Might make it feel less weird maybe?

@nitsandwormsdodger

I don't understand why the family home master bedroom would need two double beds? It has two single beds so they are not sleeping in the same bed, even at different times. There aren't enough bedrooms for them to have a separate room each without the children having to share.

He sounds great. I’d love to be with a man who thought rationally and sensibly and put the needs of his children so high up on the list. It sounds like you don’t want to share him with his family though so you might be better off with someone who doesn’t have an ex wife or children.