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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"What did he say when you told him?" and versions of this -

60 replies

FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 19:22

SO frigging annoying. People do it all the time on here as if it's clever or something.

An OP will post about something that's upsetting them and some dimwit will say "What did they say when you asked?" or "What did she say when you told her?"

Purely as a way of passively aggressively pointing out that the OP hasn't said anything to the person or hasn't indicated they have.

JUST ASK THEM NICELY!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/03/2021 19:29

You have a point but the hundreds of posts on here with posters who haven’t spoken to anyone about the thing that annoys them and just magically hope it stops are equally annoying

RootyT00t · 08/03/2021 19:29

Yep.

Or the ones where there's a minor grammar mistake and they're 'so confused'

Laggartha · 08/03/2021 19:31

I’ve done this. It’s because of the number of scenarios that could be resolved by Just Saying Something.

SmokedDuck · 08/03/2021 19:34

I think this can be annoying and sarcastic, but sometimes it's kind of justified.

The number of issues where you think - ok, well, if you want to resolve, say, who takes in the bins, you or your neighbour, you really just need to ask them - is a little staggering.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 19:35

@Laggartha

I’ve done this. It’s because of the number of scenarios that could be resolved by Just Saying Something.
Obviously but there are some people in the world who are just too timid, too shy, too downtrodden, too uncertain, too abused, too scared, too bullied to do that!

That's why they come on here to ask if they're being unreasonable or whatever.

They want back up...support.

Asking snarkily "What did they say when...." just makes them feel shit I'm sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 19:36

@RootyT00t

Yep.

Or the ones where there's a minor grammar mistake and they're 'so confused'

Oh yes...so nasty. Someone posts and it's not particularly well written and there's a stream of "What?" and Confused and "this makes no sense"

it's just piling on for the sake of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 19:37

@SmokedDuck

I think this can be annoying and sarcastic, but sometimes it's kind of justified.

The number of issues where you think - ok, well, if you want to resolve, say, who takes in the bins, you or your neighbour, you really just need to ask them - is a little staggering.

Again, many people are timid or shy or downtrodden and have no confidence. It's not a huge leap to imagine being that way in life....the world is full of them. I feel for people like that...people who can't speak up.
OP posts:
OhCaptain · 08/03/2021 19:37

It’s so self-congratulatory. They honestly think they’re so clever.

It makes me cringe! Like the completely unfunny “are you on glue?”

AntheasAcquaintance · 08/03/2021 19:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Luckyrabbitfoot · 08/03/2021 19:41

I can think of one ‘revered’ MNer who always does this. Pisses me right off.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 19:45

@OhCaptain

It’s so self-congratulatory. They honestly think they’re so clever.

It makes me cringe! Like the completely unfunny “are you on glue?”

Oh my God yes! It sounds so stupid and teenagery doesn't it! And I always imagine a very middle class Mum sitting there in her Boden dress, tittering to herself at the daring use of such a phrase. "Are you on glue?" Tee hee!
OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 19:46

@AntheasAcquaintance

Poster: I think my husband is having an affair. He's being very secretive and keeps talking about the new trainee at work. He hides his phone and takes it to the bathroom with him. How can I find out the truth?

Reply: Just ask him.

Hmm

And the fantastic "Hire a private detective."

Oh yes! I'll do that! Because that's normal isn't it!?

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 08/03/2021 19:49

That's why they come on here to ask if they're being unreasonable or whatever.

They want back up...support.

Then they're on the wrong board. If they ask if they're being unreasonable, they need to accept that they might be.

MaMaD1990 · 08/03/2021 19:55

If people are as timid and shy etc as you describe, what are they wanting strangers on an anonymous forum to do about it or suggest they do about it? 90% of the stuff that is posted on here can be solved by some very basic communication.

OhCaptain · 08/03/2021 19:56

Oh my God yes! It sounds so stupid and teenagery doesn't it! And I always imagine a very middle class Mum sitting there in her Boden dress, tittering to herself at the daring use of such a phrase. "Are you on glue?" Tee hee!

Yes! 🤣

Original poster
FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 19:56

@MaMaD1990

If people are as timid and shy etc as you describe, what are they wanting strangers on an anonymous forum to do about it or suggest they do about it? 90% of the stuff that is posted on here can be solved by some very basic communication.
They want discussion, reassurance...it's not that difficult to grasp. Not everyone's confident in themselves.
OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 19:57

@KrisAkabusi

That's why they come on here to ask if they're being unreasonable or whatever.

They want back up...support.

Then they're on the wrong board. If they ask if they're being unreasonable, they need to accept that they might be.

We're not discussing whether people are unreasonable or not. Hmm
OP posts:
TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe · 08/03/2021 19:58

If you are too timid to tell someone the problem and instead ask here for support, it's not too much to ask to state that you are afraid to tell them and preferably why.

e.g If I say I'm sick of my husband touching me 24/7, it's reasonable for an observer to ask what happens when I tell him this. Either I know there is no harm in telling him and asking him to stop, in which case doing so would be more productive than asking an internet forum, or there is good reason for me to keep silent (violence, sexual violence, gaslightling) which is critical information for anyone who will potentially give me advice.

Roszie · 08/03/2021 20:02

I'm really really hating the passive aggressive Am I missing something? That's all over every thread at the moment.

AngryAngryAngry

Original poster
FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 20:04

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

If you are too timid to tell someone the problem and instead ask here for support, it's not too much to ask to state that you are afraid to tell them and preferably why.

e.g If I say I'm sick of my husband touching me 24/7, it's reasonable for an observer to ask what happens when I tell him this. Either I know there is no harm in telling him and asking him to stop, in which case doing so would be more productive than asking an internet forum, or there is good reason for me to keep silent (violence, sexual violence, gaslightling) which is critical information for anyone who will potentially give me advice.

It's the passive aggressive phrasing. Why not say something like "Have you spoken to him about it? If not, why? Are you scared of him?" or similar.

Writing that stupid "What did he say when" crap is just as annoying as people who don't give the full story. The poster KNOWS the OP may not have said anything...so why word it like that?

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 20:05

@Roszie

I'm really really hating the passive aggressive Am I missing something? That's all over every thread at the moment.

AngryAngryAngry

Oh yes...that too!
OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 08/03/2021 20:10

No, I don't think so. It's important to know how someone reacts when you tell them you dislike something, if there is a strong implication that they do know it and have therefore had it communicated somehow.

OPs often respond by answering the question ("he tells me it's not his fault" or whatever), so it is worth asking.

If OP does say that they haven't spoken to them about it, there's another line of possible action.

It's a decent question.

AWryGiraffe · 08/03/2021 20:13

It's smug, because it's like they are trying to do a gotcha or something. If they genuinely wanted to know, they'd say 'have you been able to ask them/speak to them about it/say why it upsets you' etc. It's just trying to not very subtly be a dick.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 08/03/2021 20:24

@DrSbaitso

No, I don't think so. It's important to know how someone reacts when you tell them you dislike something, if there is a strong implication that they do know it and have therefore had it communicated somehow.

OPs often respond by answering the question ("he tells me it's not his fault" or whatever), so it is worth asking.

If OP does say that they haven't spoken to them about it, there's another line of possible action.

It's a decent question.

No. It's a 'decent question" when it's asked without the undertone of smugness. It's not the same as asking "Have you spoken to him about it?" it's just rude.
OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 08/03/2021 20:26

Then why don't they ask for discussion and reassurance? You can bet your bottom dollar that not everyone makes it clear in their posts when they want just that. Most of them are in AIBU which is a lions den at the best of times, but when someone isn't clear they get asked questions, and not all of them are meant in a bad way, just enquiring because it's not clear. You're right, it's not that hard to grasp.

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