"What did he say when you told him?" and versions of this -

[FortunesFave]

SO frigging annoying. People do it all the time on here as if it's clever or something.

An OP will post about something that's upsetting them and some dimwit will say "What did they say when you asked?" or "What did she say when you told her?"

Purely as a way of passively aggressively pointing out that the OP hasn't said anything to the person or hasn't indicated they have.

JUST ASK THEM NICELY!

I ask this! I'm not being PA to me it just often looks like the OP has previously spoken to whoever and they havent said what they've replied and it makes a difference to the OP. Eg 'my husband doesnt do any housework no matter how many times I bring it up', then I will say 'well what does he say when you point out tht its unfair you've spent 5 hours cleaning the house and he has had 5 hours sitting watching tv', as I think it's relevant and useful to know whether the reply is basically 'you're a woman so it's your job', or 'your standards are completely different to mine and I think it's fine hoovering every other week rather than daily' for example. As it shows different reasons for not cooperating and a different approach might be needed

We're not discussing whether people are unreasonable or not

It's a 'decent question" when it's asked without the undertone of smugness. It's not the same as asking "Have you spoken to him about it?" it's just rude.

Well, no doubt you are the expert and authority on when this undertone exists or not (and I don't think the old MN chestnut of "smugness" is what you're looking for, but you are doubtless the expert on that too).

Context is everything. If the intention is to make OP feel bad under the presumption that she hasn't had a conversation about it, I don't really see how asking a question that forces a "no I haven't" is any better. It's a binary yes or no; "what does he say when..." is more open ended and therefore less blunt. Some people would just genuinely assume that if you're that upset about something, you've tried to let your partner or whoever know somehow, if you don't state otherwise.

Actually, I find your question ruder, because it goes for the most obvious response and implies OP hasn't done the first thing to try to resolve it.

When I see it, I generally get the impression that the poster is indeed asking for the reaction, because the implication usually is that the offender has somehow had it communicated to them. Then OP can say either, "He does this" or "Well actually I haven't brought it up because..." Again, more open ended and therefore comes across as gentler.

But like I said, you are the expert (it's all about being "smug", after all), and you've invested more time into this.

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

I ask this! I'm not being PA to me it just often looks like the OP has previously spoken to whoever and they havent said what they've replied and it makes a difference to the OP. Eg 'my husband doesnt do any housework no matter how many times I bring it up', then I will say 'well what does he say when you point out tht its unfair you've spent 5 hours cleaning the house and he has had 5 hours sitting watching tv', as I think it's relevant and useful to know whether the reply is basically 'you're a woman so it's your job', or 'your standards are completely different to mine and I think it's fine hoovering every other week rather than daily' for example. As it shows different reasons for not cooperating and a different approach might be needed

You're assuming they've raised it.

You're assuming they've raised it.

And frequently they have. The context would imply it. The OP in the thread you're talking about (this is a TAAT) had, several times. She clarified this when the question was asked. Conversations work that way sometimes.

I thought the people assuming she hadn't tried telling him how she felt came across as more "off", although I don't think they intended it that way.

And now I've caught up on the thread that this thread is about, OP, two things strike me. One: that OP wasn't in the least offended by the question that you're complaining about. She answered it a couple of times, which gave us more background to go on, and she even said "of course I've talked to him about it". It isn't unreasonable to think that she's asking us precisely because she has tried to talk to him and it hasn't worked (but why exactly it hasn't worked is relevant information). And two: you complain that the question is rude, but you're not exactly well-mannered yourself over there.

@DrSbaitso

And now I've caught up on the thread that this thread is about, OP, two things strike me. One: that OP wasn't in the least offended by the question that you're complaining about. She answered it a couple of times, which gave us more background to go on, and she even said "of course I've talked to him about it". It isn't unreasonable to think that she's asking us precisely because she has tried to talk to him and it hasn't worked (but why exactly it hasn't worked is relevant information). And two: you complain that the question is rude, but you're not exactly well-mannered yourself over there.

Only a regular poster or someone very good at reading between the lines would notice the undertone in the question.

I'm don't know what thread this thread is about, but I am often astonished by the lack of kindness, decency and support shown to others on here.
Do posters forget that we are all here as one community and to my mind, that means that we are here for each other.
The joy of mumsnet is the opportunity to discuss feelings, ideas or opinions in complete anonymity. It gives posters the freedom to be much more open and honest about details of things we may not want to share otherwise.
It such a shame when posters are out with their pitchforks over one thing or another. I'm sure it deters people from posting, and therefore may really prevent someone getting the advice or help that they need.
if you need to say something the OP may not want to hear, just say it. There's no need to be mocking, judgemental or unpleasant in any way. Posts like that are helpful to no one.

It sounds so stupid and teenagery doesn't it! And I always imagine a very middle class Mum sitting there in her Boden dress, tittering to herself at the daring use of such a phrase. "Are you on glue?" Tee hee!

You make a statement like that & then want to lecture others on smugness, rudeness & making assumptions?

@Shoxfordian

You have a point but the hundreds of posts on here with posters who haven’t spoken to anyone about the thing that annoys them and just magically hope it stops are equally annoying

Its also amazing how many things go from "op is annoyed by something but won't say anything" responses "end it! end it now!!!!!"

@AntheasAcquaintance

Poster: I think my husband is having an affair. He's being very secretive and keeps talking about the new trainee at work. He hides his phone and takes it to the bathroom with him. How can I find out the truth?

Reply: Just ask him.

Thats good advice though. You know your partner, few people lie well on the bounce.

Ask them see their response and you've got your answer

I can't believe you haven't said anything. It's really not healthy to live like that OP.

^Literally you, earlier.

I very much liked your other post on that thread, btw.

"What did your parents teach you about relationships?"

Hate this one.

Cring Mumsnet phrases that people think make them sound intelligent or superior are the woooorst. Like the person who pops onto literally every single AIBU thread that doesn't contain the sentence "Am I being unreasonable?" in the OP to say "What's your AIBU?" even though it's blatantly obvious and they're just saying it to irritating.

Also hate "Did you mean to be so rude?" which is just the most mediocre response to ANYTHING but which MN postets think it like the wittiest and most cutting response in the world. Cringes

I see these two in the same category as what you mentioned OP.

Thought of another! The faux concerned and very bitchy "Do you suffer from anxiety, OP?"

Oh no, I got that wrong. People always say "what did you learn about relationships growing up?" That's the one.

Basically anything that's a copy and paste type of response is irritating. As helpful as another mumsnet favourite, "OP why did you have children with this man?"

@SmeleanorSmellstrop

Cring Mumsnet phrases that people think make them sound intelligent or superior are the woooorst. Like the person who pops onto literally every single AIBU thread that doesn't contain the sentence "Am I being unreasonable?" in the OP to say "What's your AIBU?" even though it's blatantly obvious and they're just saying it to irritating.

Also hate "Did you mean to be so rude?" which is just the most mediocre response to ANYTHING but which MN postets think it like the wittiest and most cutting response in the world. Cringes

Its such a risky set up line to use too

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

"Oh no it was just a happy accident....like your dc"

Have you spoken to him about it?

And often the response is an aggressive ‘Of course I have!’ As if only an idiot would think they hadn’t.

@TheStoic

Have you spoken to him about it?

And often the response is an aggressive ‘Of course I have!’ As if only an idiot would think they hadn’t.

That’s not the same as the smart-arse “what did he say when you asked him?”

One is seeking more information or clarification.

The other is some weird attempt to belittle a poster often in distress, or have a little self-congratulatory gotcha moment.

@Luckyrabbitfoot

I can think of one ‘revered’ MNer who always does this. Pisses me right off.

YES it drives me fucking mad. but she can do no wrong 🙄

@SmeleanorSmellstrop

Thought of another! The faux concerned and very bitchy "Do you suffer from anxiety, OP?"

"Are you always this anxious OP?"

Only a regular poster or someone very good at reading between the lines would notice the undertone in the question.

You're certainly a regular poster.

Poster: I think my husband is having an affair. He's being very secretive and keeps talking about the new trainee at work. He hides his phone and takes it to the bathroom with him. How can I find out the truth?

Reply: Just ask him.

I agree...I find posters who reply like this irritating... if someone is having an affair, they're doing so much to cover it...why would they just confess.

In other issues...I can understand why people may say have you asked or does he know how you feel about a problem....because communication is important. If they say...I'm too scared or timid or lack confidence and find it difficult to talk to him...then people would get a better understanding...but expecting people to guess why they haven't said it could be a bit much.

In a public forum like this, you get a wide range of people and some lack emotional intelligence and empathy.

It's probably why a lot of people in real life DONT talk about it. You can see how sensitive and supportive so many people really are not underneath online, particularly mumsnet. It is enough to make you never want to discuss anything personal, I'm sure all fabulously caring mother's though