Had enough of ex's contact schedule for DD

[pop88]

I'm posting here for traffic.

I have a DD8 with my ex. We separated when DD was 2. Me and ex don't have a good relationship due to him being controlling and all contact is done via third party.

Ex works shifts. He gets 8 weeks of shifts at a time, and will then send me the dates he wants DD for those weeks. I usually agree to the dates as it stresses me out trying to negotiate with him.

I've just had the next 8 weeks of dates sent through and they are dreadful. DD will be seeing him for 2 weekends out of 9, the rest being mid week when she is at school. For these particular dates he has 2 weekends off a month, and 2 at work. For the 2 'off' weekends he wants DD for one of them, and the other one to himself (although he has other children living with him).

I have just had enough of being dictated by when ex works. I have always accommodated the fact that he works shifts, but it is getting to the point where I feel like I can't plan anything (appreciate we are currently in a lockdown). I never know when DD is with me beyond 8 weeks. I hate the fact that I don't really have any say in when I have DD and when I don't (he always argues if I say a date doesn't work). He insists on having DD for 10 nights a month so it's not a case of trying to work out a few nights a month.

Is this something that I'm just going to have to suck up until DD is older or does anyone have any suggestions on how I can deal with this better? Thanks

Who arranged the third party thing? It sounds like you need to go to court.

TAAT?

It's not a great situation and I sympathise with you. However it's sadly not possible to enforce regular contact times on someone who doesn't want them. Over the years my DD's contact with her dad has at times been a little ad hoc and changed at the last minute etc. There was nothing I could do about it unfortunately other than make the most of the extra time she's with me. But it's frustrating, I understand that.

@FortunesFave I did as I had to block ex due to the amount of anxiety his texts were causing me.

I’d say you haven’t got long until your DD is going to be saying what she wants anyway. DH has two children from a previous relationship and it used to be very rigid but as they got older it’s become much more fluid and it seems to work better. The fluid thing seemed to happen when the youngest got to around 12 when presenteeism is everything with your mates and you just can’t possibly miss out on a thing! They seem to have struck a balance right now. My point is that, whilst it seems like it’ll be like this forever, it really won’t be.

@BigPaperBag
Same with my dd - when she got to sort of 12 ish she was picking and choosing which weekends she wanted to see her dad as she wanted to see her friends instead etc. So it does naturally change anyway over time.

OP I’d you looked back at his shift schedule over the last year does it appear to follow a pattern (ie does it appear that every 4th weekend he is off work for example?) or is it randomly assigned every rota period?

If there is a pattern I would look through it and see which days are the same in every 8 week period and offer those to him as fixed contact days and then offer to be flexible with some other days.

I don't really think there's any other way. But I think you should be able to say "This weekend doesn't work for us, she's free these other two weekends though so pick one of those." And just maintain a calm minimal reply, we have plans that weekend, either pick a different one or have one less. If you're working through a 3rd party that'll be easier for you.

@UhtredRagnarson Thank you for the suggestion, unfortunately each 8 week period seems to be different to the last!

I understand But correct me if I’m wrong - it’s his work schedule that’s messing up the timings, not necessarily him, unless he is writing his own schedule?

[quote pop88]@UhtredRagnarson Thank you for the suggestion, unfortunately each 8 week period seems to be different to the last! [/quote]
Different to the last but perhaps the same as the one before the last? Or the one before that? It’s worth actually sitting down with a calendar and a bright felt tip marker and marking every day he was off work over the last year and see if a pattern emerges. Even if you can’t change the contact schedule it will give you an idea of what it will be in the year ahead so you can plan things.

@UhtredRagnarson I tried that for the last 6 months and they all appear to be completely random!

Oh that’s a pity.

What is it you want? More weekends 'off'? Fewer midweek visits with him for your daughter?

I don't see what's so shit about the next schedule, and eight weeks notice seems fine. How many events are you planning more than eight weeks in the future?

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl it’s only 8 weeks notice at the start of the schedule period. When they get to the last week of it OP has no idea if she will have her child the following weekend or weekend after or any time at all for the next 8 weeks so she can’t plan or arrange anything if someone asks her 2 weeks before contact schedule ends to attend something 3 weeks away she can’t say yes or no.

@UhtredRagnarson Thank you for explaining

Presumably if you work you have to arrange some sort of childcare for your DD so surely your ex can do the same if you regulate the times he has her? Or he could swap weekends with colleagues etc?

I could have written your post, I'm in the same situation. Although I get 4 weeks notice. No advice unfortunately.

I would plan the things you want to do with DD regardless and let him know when DD isn't available as you book them.

So weekends away with DD and play dates or clubs during the week.

Obviously I don't mean be malicious and book up every weekend but he doesn't want fixed contact and that doesn't trump your need for you and DD to have a life together.

It may mean very occasionally that DD only sees him one weekend or something but that would in part be his choice. After all he doesn't make the most of usually seeing her every weekend he can and it's clear he is prioritising do things other than seeing DD when he has weekends off.

You could request set days for the whole year / a regular pattern, but that's not entirely equitable if he works weekends and the pattern constantly changes.

How about 'eight weeks on', 'eight weeks off', and every other eight weeks you work around his schedule, then in the next eight weeks he works around yours? It shouldn't mess your DD around too much as she isn't used to seeing him in a pattern. That means you can plan for approx half the year well in advance.

At 8 they can have contact over FaceTime/Skype as well as in person, she is old enough to maintain a bond if she doesn't see him for a few weeks.

If he only wants 10 nights he's hardly wanting to see as much as possible of her!

You've worked around his shifts 100% for 6 years how about a 12 month trial of him working around DD centric plans?

If you want childfree time at a weekend arrange childcare you can always cancel it if he then has her.

I just reread the op and noticed he is controlling.

Absolutely do what I said.

You and DD make plans and let the 3rd party contact know the dates in which DD is no longer available because she is away or having a sleepover, visiting family. He gets to choose from when DD is free.

After she is at school so during term time there is always the option of school nights available for contact.

You absolutely don't have to be this accommodating, so its good that you are.

I agree, its going to get unsustainable soon anyway, as she's rapidly reaching an age where she will start to have commitments more in advance - friends, clubs, trips, dance school shows/comps or other similar things.

They won't 'move' for his convenience and they won't wait for him to know what he's doing, so its going to be a case of saying 'yes' to some of his requested dates and 'nope, she's already busy' to others.

It's also completely okay for you to be making plans more in advance than eight weeks, because it's reasonable to think you are missing out on activities your daughter would like because you aren't, because you can't book suitable tickets or travel etc at such short notice all the time, so start doing so. You don't have to be beholden to his schedule and missing out.

He isn't prioritising every minute he could be to spend with her, so why should you and she prioritise him? If he still wants his magical 'ten nights', and it doesn't fit in, he'll have to start doing what every working parent does and make childcare arrangements.

Got to be honest, all in it sounds like this is his last shred of control over your life, so take it back.

If you want childfree time at a weekend arrange childcare you can always cancel it if he then has her.

Yep, I did this too. When the contact became a little hit and miss and he was cancelling here and there, despite our planned eow pattern, I was never sure if I could fully commit to doing something with a friend etc in case he cancelled last min. So I would have a babysitter on standby who i would cancel if she went to dad's as planned.