Had enough of ex's contact schedule for DD

[pop88]

I'm posting here for traffic.

I have a DD8 with my ex. We separated when DD was 2. Me and ex don't have a good relationship due to him being controlling and all contact is done via third party.

Ex works shifts. He gets 8 weeks of shifts at a time, and will then send me the dates he wants DD for those weeks. I usually agree to the dates as it stresses me out trying to negotiate with him.

I've just had the next 8 weeks of dates sent through and they are dreadful. DD will be seeing him for 2 weekends out of 9, the rest being mid week when she is at school. For these particular dates he has 2 weekends off a month, and 2 at work. For the 2 'off' weekends he wants DD for one of them, and the other one to himself (although he has other children living with him).

I have just had enough of being dictated by when ex works. I have always accommodated the fact that he works shifts, but it is getting to the point where I feel like I can't plan anything (appreciate we are currently in a lockdown). I never know when DD is with me beyond 8 weeks. I hate the fact that I don't really have any say in when I have DD and when I don't (he always argues if I say a date doesn't work). He insists on having DD for 10 nights a month so it's not a case of trying to work out a few nights a month.

Is this something that I'm just going to have to suck up until DD is older or does anyone have any suggestions on how I can deal with this better? Thanks

I agree with @RandomMess. Just accept whatever invitations/make whatever plans you/DD want to accept and if he produces a schedule you can let him know which dates she can go and which dates she can’t.

God this sounds exhausting for you and he is still getting to control you via DD. Can you go to court for fixed days and he needs to sort childcare if working. Does DD enjoy going to see him on school days or does she find it disruptive to her routine? Sounds like it's about your exes needs not your DD

@ginnybag This is the issue - he demands he has her for 10 nights a month, so between his shift pattern these need to be fitted in on some of his days off. If I go back and say DD is unavailable on this day or that day, he will get cross because he needs to have her 10 days to ensure he still meets the criteria for the CSA case he opened.

@Wishitsnows DD does still like to see her Dad on school nights, but says that she doesn't get much time with him because once they're back and sorted etc it leaves very little quality time. I also know that she goes to bed later at her Dad's so will quite often be tired at school.

It’s a difficult situation but she’s his child too and he would like to keep seeing her.
The work schedule probably isn’t his fault.
Do you work?

[quote pop88]@ginnybag This is the issue - he demands he has her for 10 nights a month, so between his shift pattern these need to be fitted in on some of his days off. If I go back and say DD is unavailable on this day or that day, he will get cross because he needs to have her 10 days to ensure he still meets the criteria for the CSA case he opened. [/quote]

So he only wants his 10 nights a month to keep his CSA payments down? Not to spend time with her?

If I go back and say DD is unavailable on this day or that day, he will get cross because he needs to have her 10 days to ensure he still meets the criteria for the CSA case he opened.

Let him get cross. What can he do?

If DD has a genuine invite, then she's not available. If he turns up to collect her, she's not in. Just don't open the door.

Perhaps reassurance that you aren't looking to claim additional CS because DD is not staying with him.

You say he will “get cross”

And?

When he sends you his calendar, return it with a calendar of your DDs with the dates she CANNOT do and let him pick from what’s left. Xx out weekends, clubs etc. Let him figure out the 10 days each month.

Can you try it in advance? Can you say to him - DD won't be available on X, Y, Z date (because we've booked a holiday, because we're going to X for the day, because it's her grandmother's birthday that weekend) and send that as far in advance as you want to. You don't have to wait for his 8-week shift pattern to book things you want to do. You just have to inform him that DD will be unavailable on those dates.

If he wants to have her for 10 days every month, and you have booked up things for 2 weekends in June, say, and he is working 1 of the other weekends, then the natural consequence is that DD will only spend 1 weekend with him and the other contact days will need to be weeknights. I don't think that's a problem.

@Coronawireless

It’s a difficult situation but she’s his child too and he would like to keep seeing her. The work schedule probably isn’t his fault. Do you work?

It's not the OPs fault either though, and certainly not their DDs. And it's the DD who is missing out on things.

OP, facilitate by all means, but not to the detriment of yours and your DDs wellbeing. You lives don't revolve around his work. If he gets angry, let him. You are not responsible for his moods, or for fixing them for him. Disengage emotionally, and go into stuck record mode.
"That date isn't possible."
"Oh dear, what a shame. But no, it's not possible"
"I'm happy to be as flexible as I can. But that date isn't possible"

He can tantrum all he likes, he's not your problem anymore.

@Coronawireless Yes I work full time.

My husband works a variable schedule and I don’t know where he is one day to the next, let alone 8 weeks ahead.

If you do want to plan, how would he respond if you asked him to ensure he was either able to have DD, or wasn’t able to have DD?

@DinoHat If I asked him (via third party) to have DD on a specific day (assuming he wasn't at work) he would say no, just to be awkward. He sees anything and everything as 'doing me a favour', even though I have DD majority of the month and facilitate all clubs, hair cuts, general day to day stuff.

Let him get cross. What’s it going to do to you? Maybe you should get a tin of treats and every time you hear he gets cross then you can eat 1 m&m (in case you don’t want to overload the edible treats ) thinking smugly haha suck it up buttercup, chalk one win in the pot for me.
-If she has stuff planned, those days are out. You could generously offer that she has a party, you could take her that weekend if you can take her to the party. Do this on a one chance only basis, if he doesn’t he never gets time when she has something on she’d like to go to.
For the rest, accept his days if it’s not a problem. You can offer the weekends he has off but doesn’t want her as a swap, but it must be confirmed within 3 days or you will accept some invitations (whatever, make up anything that helps you say you have 3 days to let me know if you’d like that day or it’s off the table)

Personally I hope he gets less than 10 nights a month when you do this and he hits the roof- you don’t see him, and it’s never too early for him to learn your daughters activities and life are supposed to come first.

Just say she is available eow, which dates does he want her this month. Toing and froing this much mid week will affect her school work and how settled she feels. Tell him it's in dds best interests and he can take you to court if he feels differently. He's trying to squash 10 days in to benefit him not dd. If he gets cross block him and tell him you will respond to an email only.

He won't like it but tough shit.

It's not reasonable for him to control your life and parenting. I agree, send him eight weeks availability and if that doesn't match his shifts, he needs to swap or take leave. You know, like working parents do.

@pop88

Can you go to mediation? This isn’t fair on you.

Shift your mindset.

You tell the 3rd party as soon as you book stuff in a Dh Ave of his rota which could be 2 weeks to 12 months in advance and they communicate it to him.

He then gets his shifts he then has choice of when we DD is available.

The 10 nights per whatever is an average over a whole year so he can always see her extra in other shift periods.

He is only bothered about the 10 nights because less would increase your maintenance claim not because he wants more of DD.

He is not concerned with DDs welfare or wants. He is choosing to need see DD when he is free at weekends.

By having the weekends DD is not free for contact in advance of bus shift rota he can either choose his social life around DD or not his choice.

If he isn't happy he can take you to court for fixed contact. He will likely be asked if he has explored having fixed shifts. You will not be expected to run completely around his shifts.

Doesn't matter if he gets angry. If DD isn't available he will have to pick other dates.

DD needs age appropriate truth about her Dad, he will try and control her too so get this stopped now.

@RandomMess

Shift your mindset.

You tell the 3rd party as soon as you book stuff in a Dh Ave of his rota which could be 2 weeks to 12 months in advance and they communicate it to him.

He then gets his shifts he then has choice of when we DD is available.

The 10 nights per whatever is an average over a whole year so he can always see her extra in other shift periods.

He is only bothered about the 10 nights because less would increase your maintenance claim not because he wants more of DD.

He is not concerned with DDs welfare or wants. He is choosing to need see DD when he is free at weekends.

By having the weekends DD is not free for contact in advance of bus shift rota he can either choose his social life around DD or not his choice.

If he isn't happy he can take you to court for fixed contact. He will likely be asked if he has explored having fixed shifts. You will not be expected to run completely around his shifts.

Doesn't matter if he gets angry. If DD isn't available he will have to pick other dates.

DD needs age appropriate truth about her Dad, he will try and control her too so get this stopped now.

I agree with all of this.

@RandomMess Thank you. It doesn't seem to have affected DD yet, although last night for the first time she randomly came out with 'It makes me sad you and Daddy aren't friends'. I asked what she meant, and she said Daddy always talks about you.

I have a similar situation- I get given blocks of shifts when they come through. This is the vagaries of coparenting with a shift worker, and it's not going to change- it can't because that's the nature of the job. Getting through 8 week blocks isn't bad- mine is usually very month and then the scramble around to accomodate it with my shifts.

Remind him maintenance is based on 120 nights over a 12 month period. If he takes her away on holiday that's a chunk down in one go (better he never does)!

Her going to bed late and being tired is irritating but a non issue.

You could set up a "shared"'calendar perhaps one of those designed for separated parents. Doesn't matter he won't fill his plans in but you fill in when DD isn't available as soon as you arrange stuff including when you want to take her on holiday in 2022 and 2023. Let him know he needs to check it before coming back with his contact requests because they are all DDs plans that cannot be moved. Also did he want to book in some school holiday time with DD for this year or next so you keep those dates free?

Keep it light and cheery and ignore any bullying attempts and grey rock him.

"On the calendar are the dates when DD has plans and is not available for contact. Also Dr/dentist/hairdressers/clubs so if you want her on those dates you will need to facilitate them" rinse and repeat.

Don't back down.

Personally I'd compromise on maintenance, so say that he has her 10 overnights a month to keep his maintenance at the level it is even if he doesn't have her for 10 nights.

I'd also you'll have her EOW from now on and he has her EOW but you will cover childcare and "swap" if you he gives you enough notice and it doesn't clash with other activities or any plans you have. So it might be due to his shifts he has her 3 weekends in a row and then nothing for 3 weeks but you can plan around that.

Then say he can let you know what weeknights he wants once he knows his shifts.

If he gets cross/angry ignore and let him take you to court, you've offered a reasonable plan.

@SD1978

I have a similar situation- I get given blocks of shifts when they come through. This is the vagaries of coparenting with a shift worker, and it's not going to change- it can't because that's the nature of the job. Getting through 8 week blocks isn't bad- mine is usually very month and then the scramble around to accomodate it with my shifts.

Do you have a similar situation? Meaning you have multiple free weekends in your schedule you choose not to have your dd for your convenience, you refuse any additional requests to have her, and you only insist on a minimum number of nights because you care about the child support not your dd? I suspect you mean you work shifts too, not that you don’t prioritise your children unless it’s about money.

I think it depends what you want. Do you want him to have your DD more, or less?

I've just had the next 8 weeks of dates sent through and they are dreadful. DD will be seeing him for 2 weekends out of 9, the rest being mid week when she is at school.

From the point of view of you wanting to be able to plan things with your DD, surely the above is a good thing, why is it dreadful?