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AIBU?

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Original poster

Had enough of ex's contact schedule for DD

102 replies

pop88 · 08/03/2021 11:09

I'm posting here for traffic.

I have a DD8 with my ex. We separated when DD was 2. Me and ex don't have a good relationship due to him being controlling and all contact is done via third party.

Ex works shifts. He gets 8 weeks of shifts at a time, and will then send me the dates he wants DD for those weeks. I usually agree to the dates as it stresses me out trying to negotiate with him.

I've just had the next 8 weeks of dates sent through and they are dreadful. DD will be seeing him for 2 weekends out of 9, the rest being mid week when she is at school. For these particular dates he has 2 weekends off a month, and 2 at work. For the 2 'off' weekends he wants DD for one of them, and the other one to himself (although he has other children living with him).

I have just had enough of being dictated by when ex works. I have always accommodated the fact that he works shifts, but it is getting to the point where I feel like I can't plan anything (appreciate we are currently in a lockdown). I never know when DD is with me beyond 8 weeks. I hate the fact that I don't really have any say in when I have DD and when I don't (he always argues if I say a date doesn't work). He insists on having DD for 10 nights a month so it's not a case of trying to work out a few nights a month.

Is this something that I'm just going to have to suck up until DD is older or does anyone have any suggestions on how I can deal with this better? Thanks

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 08/03/2021 18:14

He’d still be pretty tired though, trying to readjust to days during his time with her.
Wouldn’t be most people’s choice and therefore unfair to expect him to choose it if he doesn’t need to.

UhtredRagnarson · 08/03/2021 18:16

Well yeah. Parenting is tiring. I’ve been tired since 2005. You just bloody get on with it because you chose to be a parent.

Coronawireless · 08/03/2021 18:21

Well then why add to it by making yourself see the child when your body clock tells you you should be asleep?

UhtredRagnarson · 08/03/2021 18:23

So that he can see his child regularly? I mean he’s going to end up in a situation where he sees her less because she can’t just not make plans with friends and hobbies and her mother. So those things will be happening regardless- and if his schedule is random then he is going to see her less than his current 10 days a month. If it was me I wouldn’t let my work situation allow that to happen if there was an alternative. But I’m aware others are different with different priorities.

Coronawireless · 08/03/2021 18:25

Depends on the mother too I guess.
Difficult situation for the child when each parent can only think of themselves.

AIMD · 08/03/2021 18:27

[quote pop88]@ginnybag This is the issue - he demands he has her for 10 nights a month, so between his shift pattern these need to be fitted in on some of his days off. If I go back and say DD is unavailable on this day or that day, he will get cross because he needs to have her 10 days to ensure he still meets the criteria for the CSA case he opened. [/quote]
You mean if she has something else planned with you or a friends party or something?

Personally if he can’t give you dates beyond 8 weeks and you/your daughter has something planned already then I think you should send a message back through the third party saying no to those dates and suggesting 2 alternatives. Tough if his work doesn’t allow him enough flexibility to adapt his work around his child. Other parents have to plan their work around their childcare so why shouldn’t he.

Whether you think it’s worth the potential arguments is for you to balance out. Though I wouldn’t be concerned about making sure he gets his 10 nights. So long as you are reasonable and offer alternatives it’s his problem if his work won’t allow it.

Do you have evidence of the mediation having to due to his behaviour?

Is he likely to bother going to court?

UhtredRagnarson · 08/03/2021 18:31

@Coronawireless

Depends on the mother too I guess. Difficult situation for the child when each parent can only think of themselves.
The mother has already arranged her working life and childcare that enables her to care for her child. It’s the father that hasn’t.
SD1978 · 09/03/2021 06:28

@timeisnotaline - I am the RP, and get given the shifts a month ahead by the other party. I then swap around my own shifts to accomodate the access time with the other parent. I didn't think that was particularly unclear.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/03/2021 07:15

coronawireless.. The op arranges her whole life around her child and her child's contact with her dad. The OPs and dds social lives, hobbies etc ALL have to fit round the ex who does he job and the overtime he prefers and suits himself. He doesn't want to drop below 120 nights p/a due to maintenance, not a burning desire to see his dd. I think it's fairly clear which parent is and isn't thinking of the child here. But you know, he's a MAN and he has a JOB and does pay the bare legal minimum for his child so that's more than enough and the OP should be grateful she's so lucky 🙄🙄 and he absolutely should not have to do what other working parents do and seek suitable employment that might not be your first choice but allows you to prioritise your child's needs.

DinoHat · 09/03/2021 07:56

Has he always done shift work?

I mentioned upthread but my DH has quite an involved job and as I said I don’t know if he’s home one day to then next. I work on the assumption he isn’t available for childcare and sort it myself. If we spilt up I couldn’t reasonably expect him to get another job. He’s gone the job for 15 years.

It’s not ideal, but it’s very difficult to say he’s a monster. He’s just earning a living. If I also worked a similar job I wouldn’t have had kids. We agreed before we had children how childcare would work. Does all this really change because you spilt up?

Gamble66 · 09/03/2021 08:06

Of course it changes when you split up 🙄

DinoHat · 09/03/2021 08:07

@Gamble66

Of course it changes when you split up 🙄
What careers and peoples way of living? Can you just expect people to change what they do - to maintain the same level of income?
Wishitsnows · 09/03/2021 08:10

You shouldn't have to arrange your life around an ex. A woman would be expected to find a job to work round kids after having them. Strangely some people don't expect this of a man.

DinoHat · 09/03/2021 08:12

@Wishitsnows

You shouldn't have to arrange your life around an ex. A woman would be expected to find a job to work round kids after having them. Strangely some people don't expect this of a man.
Yes - I agree. But often that’s a joint decision that started when they were together which is why I asked.
SnoringSnore · 09/03/2021 08:15

We are in the same situation except we get told the week of!! No amount of begging for more notice seems to make any difference and our entire life revolves around it. It's a joke.

AIMD · 09/03/2021 08:53

@DinoHat yes that would change if you split up.

I do the bulk of childcare in my house and take the lead if kids are unwell. I do so because my husband earns more money which directly benefits me as I have joint access to that and it pays off my mortgage, buys my clothes as well as things for the children....it’s money used jointly so I’m happy to do more childcare because I financially benefit from that too.

If we broke up that would not be the case. So I would expect a more equal decision or childcare. Otherwise I’d then be taking the bulk of the childcare responsibility but he’d be getting the financial benefit of me doing that.

DinoHat · 09/03/2021 09:28

[quote AIMD]@DinoHat yes that would change if you split up.

I do the bulk of childcare in my house and take the lead if kids are unwell. I do so because my husband earns more money which directly benefits me as I have joint access to that and it pays off my mortgage, buys my clothes as well as things for the children....it’s money used jointly so I’m happy to do more childcare because I financially benefit from that too.

If we broke up that would not be the case. So I would expect a more equal decision or childcare. Otherwise I’d then be taking the bulk of the childcare responsibility but he’d be getting the financial benefit of me doing that.[/quote]
You’d get spousal, potentially a pensions contribution order, CMS. Your still have the ability to benefit - hence why MN advocate marriage.

Original poster
pop88 · 09/03/2021 10:13

@Coronawireless I apologise if this comes across as grumpy or rude but I was up half the night with DD so am rather tired this morning.

My ex has always done the bare minimum money and time wise. Last year he asked to have her more for a couple of months then the next thing I know he's gone to the CSA, claims he has her double the amount he always has done, and immediately gets to pay less.

He won't contribute towards school uniform, school trips, extra curricular, buy his own set of uniform for his, replace things that get lost at his, won't do doctors, dentist, hair dressers.

We were never married so I receive no spousal. What I receive through the CSA is supposed to cover absolutely everything.

I have spent the last xx years not being able to plan anything for myself more than a few weeks in advance. I have not booked anything for DD just in case her Dad happens to want her on one of those days. I have completely accommodated the fact that he works shifts. He will not accommodate any date that I ask for.

I work full time and have to arrange childcare if need be. I am the one the school rings if there's an issue. I'm the one that looks after her if she's ill (ex won't take her if either she is ill, or if he is, even if it's a cold).

My ex is controlling, spiteful and I have to go through a third party to avoid the huge amounts of anxiety I experience otherwise. I instigated mediation to try and help things and I was shouted over the entire duration of the zoom meeting.

But according to you I only think of myself? Confused

OP posts:
Bibidy · 09/03/2021 10:14

I just don't really see the big issue here.

OP, if you don't even have direct contact with your ex then why worry about pissing him off?

As long as you're not booking DD up with plans all weekend, every weekend and we're talking about the odd occasion he might not be able to have her on the Saturday that he wants her then just crack on with your plans and let the 3rd party know she isn't available.

If he is only bothered about his 10 nights then he can have her an extra school evening instead; if he genuinely wants her for the weekend then it sounds like usually he would have some other weekends free which he could switch to if she wasn't available.

I would just bear in mind to try and only make concrete plans for DD on maybe one weekend a month so that there are weekends available for her to spend with her dad, as it sounds like she prefers that herself so it would be a shame to take that away from her for the sake of showing him he's not in charge.

Original poster
pop88 · 09/03/2021 10:14

@DinoHat No he's not always done shifts, he used to work 9-5.

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 09/03/2021 10:33

What careers and peoples way of living? Can you just expect people to change what they do - to maintain the same level of income?

Ha! My level of income certainly dropped when I became a single parent! Our way of living certainly changed.

Crikeycroc · 09/03/2021 10:40

Please post in legal - there are some family lawyers who may reply to your post RE the shift work issues.

I have a feeling that you don’t have to acquiesce to this ridiculous arrangement. Offer EOW and set days each week. It is in your daughter’s best interests to have more routine and structure. To be honest, it sounds like it would be best if she had less time with him as he is only interested in having her stay overnight to limit his maintenance payments.

Original poster
pop88 · 09/03/2021 10:50

@Crikeycroc Thank you - I'll post in legal and see if anyone has any experience!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2021 11:33

@pop88 your post today says everything I suspected but actually worse!!!

Don't ask him for days just let him know prior to his rota when DD isn't available for the next few months - really a shared calendar is easier as he can't pretend he hasn't had advance warning.

Just live your life and if he only sees DD on weekdays that is his choice. Please protect your DD from him it's highly like he badmouths you regardless.

You want to take DD away and make the most of cheap tickets book it. Fill it on the shared calendar and your family calendar at home so you and DD have nice things to look forward to.

If he kicks off he can take it to court. You will not end up worse off than you are now and will likely take a year anyway.

You have the right to a life with DD.

timeisnotaline · 09/03/2021 12:43

@DinoHat

Has he always done shift work?

I mentioned upthread but my DH has quite an involved job and as I said I don’t know if he’s home one day to then next. I work on the assumption he isn’t available for childcare and sort it myself. If we spilt up I couldn’t reasonably expect him to get another job. He’s gone the job for 15 years.

It’s not ideal, but it’s very difficult to say he’s a monster. He’s just earning a living. If I also worked a similar job I wouldn’t have had kids. We agreed before we had children how childcare would work. Does all this really change because you spilt up?

Firstly, of course it changes because you split up. You no longer owe a shift working ex most of his share of parenting and all your life flexibility in exchange for income. (Very awkward wording I don’t really think of it as owe) And you haven’t read the thread. The op accomodates endlessly. The ex demands. And refuses to have days Hes free if he doesn’t feel like it, only has the nights he does for the money side. Won’t take her if she isn’t well. Won’t make any changes to accomodate op ever. The mediator ended mediation during the first session as he just shouted at op. She doesn’t owe him anything and that includes his daughter.
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