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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding one child from birthday party bags

334 replies

seaclaidte · 08/03/2021 00:00

Would you blame me?

This child has targeted my DS with his nasty comments, including calling him a Paki.
He also put his hands around my sons neck. The teacher brushed both items off as boys being boys type of thing but that's another story.

Both boys are 9 years old.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 08/03/2021 08:39

The school won’t give them out if you exclude one child. Why would you think they would?!

Chaiandkaafee · 08/03/2021 08:40

Wow. Some of the replies on here don’t surprise me at all!
Forget the racist behaviour - let’s just concentrate on party bags! Party bags! Oh no! Because the majority of us don’t want to ever give out party bags, let’s just attack OP for that! Ignoring the racism.
As for those who are telling OP she is an awful person for even thinking this.......I can bet if your precious child came home upset after name calling (not even blatant racism) your behaviour would be worse than OP’s!!!
OP - mentioning party bags was the worse thing to do on Mumsnet!

Emeraldshamrock · 08/03/2021 08:40

The school need to deal with the bully.
Can you raise the issue again.

RevolvingPivot · 08/03/2021 08:43

Our school will give out buns on birthdays but because of COVID they can't.

Forget the party bags but complain to school.

Whammyyammy · 08/03/2021 08:44

I can see where you're coming from, but I think this might make the child single your DS out even more and make it worse for your DS, the party bag might well be the olive branch....

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/03/2021 08:46

A party is one thing, but party bags dished out at school - if allowed - no, I wouldn’t exclude one child, it would look petty and, well, childish. Even if the child deserved to be left out.

Dontjudgeme101 · 08/03/2021 08:47

@Chaiandkaafee

Wow. Some of the replies on here don’t surprise me at all! Forget the racist behaviour - let’s just concentrate on party bags! Party bags! Oh no! Because the majority of us don’t want to ever give out party bags, let’s just attack OP for that! Ignoring the racism. As for those who are telling OP she is an awful person for even thinking this.......I can bet if your precious child came home upset after name calling (not even blatant racism) your behaviour would be worse than OP’s!!! OP - mentioning party bags was the worse thing to do on Mumsnet!
This
ineedaholidaynow · 08/03/2021 08:49

But the OP seems to be concentrating on the party bags.

She needs to be pushing the school harder in respect of the behaviour. Not giving the child a party bag isn’t going to change the behaviour.

tigertubbie · 08/03/2021 08:52

I think what most of us realize as adults, looking back on the bullies who made our lives hell growing up, is that these kids weren't just bullies for the sake of it. Or at least I hope we all grow up with enough insight to see that.
Kids bully because they are either insecure, angry, afraid, lacking consistency or boundaries in their lives, searching for an outlet to balance out something horrible that is happening to them.

By no means is bullying okay and it should be stopped. But embarrassing and singling out a child like that is not going to make any of the above better for that kid - it's going to make them worse, and fuel their "need" to bully.

If the school doesn't have proper anti bullying policies in place then tackle it with the school, not the child.

SoulofanAggron · 08/03/2021 08:52

As for those who are telling OP she is an awful person for even thinking this.......I can bet if your precious child came home upset after name calling (not even blatant racism) your behaviour would be worse than OP’s!!!

I agree. I think no mum would be happy at thinking their child is being treated this way at school.

Ok OP shouldn't/can't really do the party bag excluding thing, but I can completely understand that she would dislike anyone of any age who might be making her child's school experience unpleasant.

I was bullied and it is serious, it does do harm.

Iggly · 08/03/2021 08:54

I would put my concerns in writing to the school, including the governors. And I would follow up every single incident. With the school. I absolutely would not use party bags to tackle this. What would you achieve exactly?

This kid is learning this behaviour from adults around him.

YoniAndGuy · 08/03/2021 08:55

No! Then YOU open yourself up to accusations of bullying in return and ‘oh they’re always getting at one another’ type excuses.

The school won’t deal with it - you report to OFSTED yourself. Complain by email, ask for an email response, set out the repeated incidents and ask what is going to happen - when you don’t get answers, escalate yourself.

diagold4u · 08/03/2021 08:57

It's actually a thing now giving party bags or favours for birthdays to the child's class, actually it's been a thing fir a while, myself and other parents have been doing this since my first was in reception, he's 8 now.

ineedaholidaynow · 08/03/2021 09:00

@diagold4u what sort of things do you put in the party bags? I would bake cakes and others would bring sweets in on their birthdays, but not party bags.

Redlocks28 · 08/03/2021 09:02

As a very new teacher, I was once given a big stash of party invitations for the class to give out by a parent at the end of the day. I didn’t really think about it, but when I gave them out, it turns out it wasn’t to all of the class, but to all of the class but one little boy with SEN. He was distraught and kept asking me where his invitation was. I was pretty distraught as well when I’d realised that this mum had deliberate excluded this one child and let me deal with the fallout.

I have never given out invitations since-I firmly believe that’s a job for parents to do in their own time.

Think how horrible this will look if you leave the teacher to sort this out for you. You want to leave people out? You give the stuff out yourself. You deal with the fallout.

If your child is experiencing racist bullying that is a completely different matter-go to the teacher/head/governors until you get a resolution.

DavidsSchitt · 08/03/2021 09:04

You want to bully a child? The teacher is unlikely to facilitate that. HTH

diagold4u · 08/03/2021 09:07

Op am sorry for what your child's been through with that horrid child. You must bring it to schools attention in a much more serious manner, I think it's ridiculous that school will say its boys being boys when one is practically strangling the other. Making a racist remark is hardly something minor, the boy is getting that from home. I don't blame you for wanting to exclude that child but am kind of on the fence, it's not nice to exclude one child right in front of the whole class as horrible as he may be.
How will the bags be given out, presumably your ds will hand them out? Would've been fine if he was only giving party bags to only his friends, but giving it to the whole class and not one child seems mean and could mean he further harasses your child, perhaps this gesture will make the boy be kinder to your yours

Comefromaway · 08/03/2021 09:08

You (or more importantly your son) does NOT have to put up with racism. All incidents should be taken very seriously. If this is not, you must escalate it.,

My own son who is autistic called a black boy a racist name and it was dealt with very harshly (my son isn't racist just autistic and at that age was unable to differentiate between the boy himself using the word to describe himself and his friends and my son using it). It wasn't acceptable and what your son is being called isn't acceptable and mustnt be swept under the carpet.

pickingdaisies · 08/03/2021 09:14

So 1. is it the school or the class teacher that doesn't tackle bullying or racism? And 2. why are you giving out party bags in a pandemic? Instead of dealing with 1?

Emeraldshamrock · 08/03/2021 09:19

@Redlocks28 Shock That is terrible.
DS was often excluded in preschool SEN.
You wouldn't believe how persuasive party bags are for DC and their parents.
I gave the class Christmas party bags in his 2nd year, his popularity went up naturally.
I was surprised when the whispering DM's start say hi after it. Pathetic.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2021 09:22

@seaclaidte

This child isn't bullying my son. He has been nasty on several occasions. It isn't constant but the events have been severe enough for me to dislike him.

This child hasn't said anything directly to my child recently to insult him but his language is shocking and my DS witnesses this language regularly.

He never apologised either.
Just carries on as if it never happened.

You can't expect the teacher to exclude a child on your behalf
Peppafrig · 08/03/2021 09:22

@MizMoonshine

Nope. My son had a boy that treated him much the same (he had behavioural issues which his mother acknowledged) but he stabbed my son with a pencil, put hands around his neck, excluded him from games and was generally a little shit. He was the only boy not invited to the party.
We aren’t talking about a party though are we. The OP wants to hand in a party bag for every child in the class except one. It’s pathetic . If you want something handed out at school you give to everyone. Or a teacher would sent the birthday boy home with every bag and no one would get one. Parties are totally different they happen outside school.
Franklyfrost · 08/03/2021 09:24

YABVU for letting your child spend every day with someone who racially and physically assaulted him. Go to the school and protect your child and stop acting like a child by messing about with party bags.

AnnieGetYourPun · 08/03/2021 09:24

Don’t exclude. You and yours are better than that.

It’s not the child, it must be shitty parenting. I feel sorry for this kid.

81Byerley · 08/03/2021 09:28

No matter what you feel about this child, not including him is bullying in itself. When I was a child I had to move schools a lot, and became an easy target for bullying. I soon worked out that being very nice to the people I thought might be a problem helped a lot. You never know, this may turn things around for your boy, and if it doesn't, you and the school can deal with it in a better way.

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