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Original poster

To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

404 replies

Starbumb · 07/03/2021 16:35

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

OP posts:
LikeTheOceansWeRise · 07/03/2021 19:54

Ugh I'd rather be in your shoes than his any day! I think it's so sad when people have the unblinkered view of success ONLY being about money and titles. Life is so much more nuanced and complicated than that. We spend most of our lives in work, we may as well enjoy what we do.

I agree that it's about whether you respect eachothers drivers of success though. My partner is in a leadership role, often gunning for promotions. I'm more focused on the impact of my job and the experiences it gives me. I have more freedom and less stress, but get paid less and I'm not really climbing any career ladders. But regardless, me and my partner respect eachother and its a balance that works for us. Your partner doesn't respect what you do, and that is a red flag.

Good for you for doing a job you love. Not many can say the same.

Daphnise · 07/03/2021 19:54

I find this "I'd be disappointed in you if..." attitude patronising.

If your values are diverging already you mat have to consider whether you'd be better off with someone else.

Does he order for you at restaurants?

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 07/03/2021 19:59

Fortunately a nursery nurse is recognised as an essential worker as the country could not function without them.

FortunesFave · 07/03/2021 19:59

I wouldn't be planning a future with a nursery nurse I'm afraid. I know that sounds harsh...and I am sure you're lovely but unless I was a millionaire, I'd consider your prospects to be poor.

I'd be ending things....because planning financially is just as important as loving someone.

ChangedName4TheSakeOfIt · 07/03/2021 19:59

I live in a council house, no savings and I'm a SAHM. I LOVE my life and feel that it's a success. My children are happy, healthy and beautifully behaved.

My sister is at the top of her field, lives in a naice house, mortgage paid, savings in the tens of thousands and her kids spend more time in daycare than parental care. And she's fucking miserable. Stressed, unhappy and I'd say halfway to an ulcer or a breakdown.

Success to me is being happy and being comfortable. Others will disagree but that's fine too.

FTEngineerM · 07/03/2021 20:00

I sort of get what he’s saying, i still think he’s an arsehole though.

I don’t think it matters what job someone does but IMO it does matter whether they want to be the best version of that they can. I couldn’t live my life how I like it without nursery nurses/cleaners/waiters/retail/ people need to do those jobs so we function as a society. Ive done them.

What IS important though is making sure you’re always improving yourself, courses, development, making sure you’re on the tip of your game. Continuing to grow as a human and not just stagnate.

I couldn’t be with someone without passion, ambition and drive. I don’t give two hoots what it’s about, jus that it’s there.

maddenlightfoot · 07/03/2021 20:02

I could totally have written this post a few years ago OP... working as a TA, often doing more of a lunch time assistant role (but being paid well for it iyswim), low stress, walk out the door, able to focus on my children as soon as I left the school gates. DH was sometimes agitated, annoyed, bordering on rude - WHY did I want to be in this low level job? WHEN would I pick up my career again (qualified teacher, kids happened), HOW would we ever move on to the next stage?
I used to find this whole conversation totally annoying and wondered why my dh couldn't value what I did for giving me job satisfaction etc... then one day, I managed to change my 5 day a week TA told to a 3 day a week teaching role. Same money, less bother and stress... turns out my DH was just worried about me not maki v the most of my skills and qualifications for ME. He doesn't give a stuff about the financial gain, more that what I'm doing now I can build on year on year.

One of my go to aspirational stories is of a woman who as a single mother, worked as a lunchtime assistant and eventually worked her way up to being a headteacher (via uni obvs).
What you do now is so, so valuable. Thank you. Because of you, I am able to go to work and support other parents through this pandemic. But know, especially as you already have all the right qualifications, you ARE heading for better things. The timing is up to you, but don't beat your dh up for wanting these things for you. You deserve them ❤️

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/03/2021 20:02

@Magnificentmug12

Your boyfriend is talking sense. It’s not romantic or even nice to hear really, because it’s a cold truth, one that’s not nice to hear. What makes it worse is when you realise it yourself it’s pretty fucking shit to be honest.

It’s all about money- happiness is just a bonus- that’s the blunt truth of reality.

Rubbish!
DaphneDuBois · 07/03/2021 20:13

It is SO hard to find a job that you genuinely love. If you manage financially, I honestly don’t know what more you could want than to spend your working life doing something that you look forward to. Life is too short to do something you hate to buy more ‘things’ just for the sake of it. I mean, if you are stressed and miserable nearly every day, having the money for a fortnight in the Bahamas won’t fix it!

TrustTheGeneGenie · 07/03/2021 20:15

@FortunesFave

I wouldn't be planning a future with a nursery nurse I'm afraid. I know that sounds harsh...and I am sure you're lovely but unless I was a millionaire, I'd consider your prospects to be poor.

I'd be ending things....because planning financially is just as important as loving someone.

Wow. So you'd only date people with money? That's really awful.

It really worries me that people don't realise that some people HAVE to do these jobs? There are jobs that NEED doing as the pandemic has proved.
I find it really awful to realise how many people look down on others based on solely what they earn.

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 20:17

@TrustTheGeneGenie don't worry, I wasn't planning a future with you either

OP posts:
TrustTheGeneGenie · 07/03/2021 20:19

I don't think you meant to reply to me op! Grin

WaspRelatedEmergency · 07/03/2021 20:20

He sounds like a patronising arse. I'd dump someone who talked down to me like that. Telling you that he'd be disappointed in you is a really insidious way of undermining your confidence.
Your job is important. It requires kindness and patience. Caring roles are underpaid, and usually done by women, how surprising.

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 20:24

@TrustTheGeneGenie ooops Grin i meant @FortunesFave

OP posts:
SingingInTheShithouse · 07/03/2021 20:24

Christ he's shown himself up to be a real shallow assed dick hasn't & insulted you to boot. Huge red flag that you aren't compatible (& he's a dick) I'd be showing him the door

Whatamess666 · 07/03/2021 20:25

Glorified babysitter? Tell him to get to fuck op. I'll be seriously disappointed if you're still with HIM when you're 35, regardless of your career. Everything in that phrase disgusts me.

Northernsoullover · 07/03/2021 20:26

[quote Starbumb]@TrustTheGeneGenie yes I don't understand these comments about low paid jobs and the ability to have children when loads of people do it.
It's not just high-paying earners that can have kids Confused[/quote]
No it isn't but I posted upthread about being a lone parent. I could afford to live with tax credits but without I'd be screwed without a high paying job.
You never know if you might become a lone parent. A quick trip to the relationship board will give stories of plenty of lower earning women who can't afford to stay in the family home upon splitting with their partner. Do you live in an area where a home can be bought on 19k? If so not a big deal.
I do think your boyfriend is unpleasant though. I feel that is a separate argument.

YukoandHiro · 07/03/2021 20:27

Disappointed in you, even if it's what you chose for quality of life and your own emotional reward of the job?

Get. Rid.

sst1234 · 07/03/2021 20:27

Why is the boyfriend being made out to be evil. He wants his partner to earn more so that together they can meet his life goals. It just so happens that OP has different life goals. Which means that probably won’t have a future together. Why the nasty comments towards him? He shared his thinking with his girlfriend. What should do, stay quiet and not say anything so OP goes along thinking everything is great when they are not compatible. Why so some posters also sound so bitter and out to make the man look bad. People are allowed to be different. And no, he did not say anything nasty about OP, from what she described. He made his feelings known that OP’s profession doesn’t pay enough for his preference. That’s it.

LarryWasAHappyChap · 07/03/2021 20:28

IMO, you are successful if you are happy and able to live within your means.
Anything else is a bonus.

YukoandHiro · 07/03/2021 20:29

Less bluntly... OP, you sound far more emotionally intelligent than him. If he can't match you there then that might prove a massive stumbling block in your future relationship.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 07/03/2021 20:29

@sst1234

Why is the boyfriend being made out to be evil. He wants his partner to earn more so that together they can meet his life goals. It just so happens that OP has different life goals. Which means that probably won’t have a future together. Why the nasty comments towards him? He shared his thinking with his girlfriend. What should do, stay quiet and not say anything so OP goes along thinking everything is great when they are not compatible. Why so some posters also sound so bitter and out to make the man look bad. People are allowed to be different. And no, he did not say anything nasty about OP, from what she described. He made his feelings known that OP’s profession doesn’t pay enough for his preference. That’s it.
Did you miss the part when he said she just wipes bums all day, or that he'd be disappointed? You don't treat your partner like that.

There are better ways to "share your thinking" than behaving like a complete and utter arsehole, you know?

He is free to leave, he is not forced to stay with op. I mean, with an attitude like his I'm sure there will be hundreds of high earning women desperate to be with a man like him.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/03/2021 20:29

@FortunesFave

I wouldn't be planning a future with a nursery nurse I'm afraid. I know that sounds harsh...and I am sure you're lovely but unless I was a millionaire, I'd consider your prospects to be poor.

I'd be ending things....because planning financially is just as important as loving someone.

I don't think many nursery nurses (or people in general) would want to date you either.
LarryWasAHappyChap · 07/03/2021 20:30

@FortunesFave

I wouldn't be planning a future with a nursery nurse I'm afraid. I know that sounds harsh...and I am sure you're lovely but unless I was a millionaire, I'd consider your prospects to be poor.

I'd be ending things....because planning financially is just as important as loving someone.

You do realise that someone who earns £150k could become disabled, spend their savings on care/adaptations and not be able to work anymore? Or that situations can change at the drop of a hat?

I wouldn't even consider their earning potential, to be honest

YukoandHiro · 07/03/2021 20:30

@sst1234 It's fine for him to have different goals and values, it's the denigrating of OP's own values that make him seem like a poor choice of partner. To say you're "disappointed" in someone for having a different set of ambitions suggests a very judgemental, single minded attitude.