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Original poster

To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

404 replies

Starbumb · 07/03/2021 16:35

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

OP posts:
FTEngineerM · 07/03/2021 20:31

@sst1234

Why is the boyfriend being made out to be evil. He wants his partner to earn more so that together they can meet his life goals. It just so happens that OP has different life goals. Which means that probably won’t have a future together. Why the nasty comments towards him? He shared his thinking with his girlfriend. What should do, stay quiet and not say anything so OP goes along thinking everything is great when they are not compatible. Why so some posters also sound so bitter and out to make the man look bad. People are allowed to be different. And no, he did not say anything nasty about OP, from what she described. He made his feelings known that OP’s profession doesn’t pay enough for his preference. That’s it.
Wanting ambition in your partner is fine, being degrading about a job that many of us could live without isn’t cool. At all.
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/03/2021 20:32

@sst1234

Why is the boyfriend being made out to be evil. He wants his partner to earn more so that together they can meet his life goals. It just so happens that OP has different life goals. Which means that probably won’t have a future together. Why the nasty comments towards him? He shared his thinking with his girlfriend. What should do, stay quiet and not say anything so OP goes along thinking everything is great when they are not compatible. Why so some posters also sound so bitter and out to make the man look bad. People are allowed to be different. And no, he did not say anything nasty about OP, from what she described. He made his feelings known that OP’s profession doesn’t pay enough for his preference. That’s it.
Because he has the choice to leave if he has that much of problem with it ,rather than making OP feel not good enough.He doesn't have to belittle her or her job.

Because he made it personal. SHE just wipes bums all day. SHE is a glorified babysitter. HE would be disappointed.

Midge75 · 07/03/2021 20:42

I actually hate that "ambition" is so important in society. It's great if you're a really ambitious person who wants to climb the career ladder and all that, but what if your ambition (strong desire to achieve something) is to be happy in a job that gives you satisfaction? That is very often seen as wasting your life. I think happiness and job satisfaction is HUGE. Of course, it's not fair to allow one partner to take all the stress of earning enough to be able to afford a house/car/children etc., so if it comes to that, discussions need to be had. But, dismissing someone's job just because it's not high-powered or paid very well, or because it doesn't require too many qualifications, is really judgmental and shows a very narrow view of what's important in life.

Iwonder08 · 07/03/2021 20:49

OP, your boyfriend is disrespectful if he used the words your quoted, however your definition of success is a peculiar one. Great you enjoy your work. It is low paid and will always be low paid unless you change your career. Who is going to pay for things like deposits, mortgage, childcare etc? Do you plan to rely on someone else be that a man or a government for that?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 07/03/2021 20:51

@Iwonder08

OP, your boyfriend is disrespectful if he used the words your quoted, however your definition of success is a peculiar one. Great you enjoy your work. It is low paid and will always be low paid unless you change your career. Who is going to pay for things like deposits, mortgage, childcare etc? Do you plan to rely on someone else be that a man or a government for that?
What is it that makes you think op can't pay for her half of all that? Please explain.
KeflavikAirport · 07/03/2021 20:53

you say relying on the government like it’s a personal failing rather than a shitty system where essential full time work isn’t enough to get by on Hmm

Jackie7527 · 07/03/2021 21:02

@FortunesFave

I wouldn't be planning a future with a nursery nurse I'm afraid. I know that sounds harsh...and I am sure you're lovely but unless I was a millionaire, I'd consider your prospects to be poor.

I'd be ending things....because planning financially is just as important as loving someone.

You are an awful person and I wouldn't be suprised if you ended up dying lonely with no family. Seriously. Peoples earnings fluctuate all the time because circumstances do change. OP role is amazing and she is helping the future generation to thrive
Jackie7527 · 07/03/2021 21:03

OP dump the guy. Money does not equal to your success, only your happiness and satisfaction does. Please understand this

harknesswitch · 07/03/2021 21:07

He's absolutely talking shite op and is being really quite rude towards you

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 21:08

@Iwonder08 my definition of success is peculiar just because I don't want to make my way up a career ladder?
Also, if you actually read my posts, you'd see I am planning on going back to teaching but with covid, I've gone for a secure income rather than supply.
Anything can happen in life and I may be on a low income in 10 years time - maybe I'm still a nursery nurse, maybe I lose my job, maybe I only ever get maternity covers, maybe i'm still on supply... but the fact is my boyfriend said he'd be disappointed in me and that TA's and nursery nurses are glorifed babysitters with no ambition.
It's really caused tension between him and I as no way do I belittle anybody's career and I hate people who do.

We all have potential to lose our jobs, lose our money, be broke, be on benefits...

OP posts:
andyindurham · 07/03/2021 21:09

Is it possible that OH's comments are a badly worded attempt to remind OP that she is highly qualified and capable and therefore does not have to remain forever in a low-paid job? And the 'wiping bottoms' reference is more an attempt to emphasise some of the day-to-day downsides of working in a nursery, rather than denigrate OP and her job? Without knowing the bloke, it's hard to tell.

If my interpretation has any merit, though, wouldn't this be an attempt to encourage OP to fulfil her potential and look for a bigger future, rather than accept a job that might appear to have fairly limited opportunities for development? And isn't that what you'd want your partner to do for you?

In the end, only OP knows whether the comments are coming from this place, or somewhere different. The rest of us are just jumping in and projecting our own insecurities.

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 21:09

And it's not just if I was a nursery nurse he'd be disappointed, even if I was a supply teacher in 10 years time, he'd be disappointed

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 07/03/2021 21:10

@trustthegenegenie average salary for a nursery nurse is probably in the space of 20-25k. I don't know how it is possible to pay for all the bills and manage to save for the house deposit and pay mortgage etc on this salary without any external help
@keflavikairport I havent called OP a failure at all, however she was perfectly aware of the general salary level in her chosen line of work so it must mean she made a conscious choice to either rely on someone else or perhaps live a very modest life, rent a small flat or a room in a shared accommodation and not to spend money on non-essentials. OP is perfectly entitled to both options, but it is understandable that there will be people who would consider her lackigg ambitions

TeacupDrama · 07/03/2021 21:11

it is perfectly possible to live frugally and well on 19K in some areas of UK however that needs to be a joint decision there is lots of info on this on things like FIRE not necessarily the early retirement bit but the financial independeance on low incomes is possible but you have to cut your cloth to suit,

for a relationship to work you need to be on the same page with finances with similar goals and attitudes to spending saving etc , unfortunately you and your BF are not on same page

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 21:12

@Iwonder08 you definitely haven't read my posts. As my chosen field is not 'nursery nurse', I am planning to return to teaching.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/03/2021 21:14

@Starbumb

And it's not just if I was a nursery nurse he'd be disappointed, even if I was a supply teacher in 10 years time, he'd be disappointed
And where exactly is he going to be in 10 years? You said he works in construction. What will his high flying career going to be?
Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 21:14

I'm already saving for a deposit from my supply teaching, Covid has taken a hit on many industries though with supply being one of them.
I live in an area in which even if I was on 19k and my partner was on 19k, we'd still be able to save for a mortgage

OP posts:
Trampslikeu · 07/03/2021 21:14

I would be very pleased to see at least one "Starbumb's Happy Nursery" in 10 years time, if you love your job isn't that the key to success.

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 21:14

@AccidentallyOnPurpose he's hoping to be self-employed

OP posts:
JustLyra · 07/03/2021 21:15

The only thing I think you should be disappointed in 10 years time if you still haven’t kicked such a disrespectful boyfriend into touch.

There’s a difference between having a conversation about future plans, or encouraging a partner with low confidence, and being a disrespectful twat.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/03/2021 21:26

[quote Starbumb]@AccidentallyOnPurpose he's hoping to be self-employed[/quote]
What? Not a Fortune 500 CEO?

No way!

No sick pay, no holiday pay. No back up if things go tits up or there's no work for a while. Awesome!

OH is self employed and works in construction. As I said, he earns well (nearly £300 a day ) , but when things go tits up it's my very low wage and my savings that keep us going. For example , in the first lockdown he earned nothing for three months. It was my TA wage and what I saved from it keeping us going.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 07/03/2021 21:28

[quote Iwonder08]@trustthegenegenie average salary for a nursery nurse is probably in the space of 20-25k. I don't know how it is possible to pay for all the bills and manage to save for the house deposit and pay mortgage etc on this salary without any external help
@keflavikairport I havent called OP a failure at all, however she was perfectly aware of the general salary level in her chosen line of work so it must mean she made a conscious choice to either rely on someone else or perhaps live a very modest life, rent a small flat or a room in a shared accommodation and not to spend money on non-essentials. OP is perfectly entitled to both options, but it is understandable that there will be people who would consider her lackigg ambitions[/quote]
I earn just short of 20k and when we bought our first house dp was earning about that and we managed to buy a house. Then we had a baby. Then we bought another house. Were about to sell up and buy another house. And get this. We have holidays. And a car. And treats.

It's crazy to think it's not possible. It is entirely possible.

smellyolddog · 07/03/2021 21:30

I wouldn't worry about what you're doing in 10 years as I'd guess he won't be part of your life.

You're 100% right on happiness, you have very different values and he sounds rude.

TedMullins · 07/03/2021 21:36

🙄 of course there are places where you can buy a house on 20-25k. I’m currently living near a place where you can buy a small flat for 80k. It doesn’t sound like OP is expecting him or anyone else to top up her salary.

shinynewapple21 · 07/03/2021 21:44

How long have you been with your partner , and do you think you are compatible for a future together if you have such differing views on this ?

Don't be surprised if the majority of responses you get on here are in the same vein as your DP's views . To my mind , and that of the people I know , there is nothing wrong with sticking with a job where you are happy , rather than fighting for promotion and adding stress . It does help if you live in a place where cost of living, particularly housing , is not too expensive.