To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

[Starbumb]

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

[quote Starbumb]@Iamclearlyamug I thought that too! Apparently being stressed but being on 100k a year is more successful than being happy and living a comfortable life but on 19k.

Also annoyed at the disregard to my job. Apparently "all" I do is wipe bums and tell children to "play nicely"[/quote]
As a kid of 2.5 yrs who lost a mother, Day Nursery was the only option for Dad as sole breadwinner.

One nursery was brutally awful.

But the other was wonderful because of wonderful Miss Burford.

Miss Burford seemed to be surrounded by light...She was wonderful, kind, soothing, and we all loved her.

Never underestimate the good a Nursery teacher can do.
I still see Miss Burford in my mind's eye, clearly.

Like someone out of Roald Dahl. Truly.

If you love your job, you will be making kids happy and remember you for a lifetime.

I havent read the full thread but yanbu op. I'd much rather be happy in a lower paid or part time job then stressed working for a high wage. I think being happy = success. That being said I think the biggest issue you have is your boyfriends rudeness about a job you love

Boyfriend is rude, and has some nasty attitudes about your job, but if you want DC and financial independence after DC your current low pay is likely to be a problem.

You sound unrealistic about that.

@Nomorepies

He's a dick OP. If it makes you happy that's all that matters. I think it's ridiculous nursery staff don't earn more as it's such a hard job and you have to love it. But you get so much from it! I think it's a shame he views you this way.

Sure you want to stick around to be belittled? You can do better.

That's the issue isn't it?

All these jobs are so ridiculously low paid. Not just that, but a lot of people have made it very obvious that they consider the job to be just a body in a room, that anyone off the street can do it, and do it well.

Sorry I think some people haven't read subsequent posts I have wrote.

The debate was about "if" i was a nursery nurse in 10 years time.

To me, love is accepting your partner through the highs and lows, and I would support him if for whatever reason he lost his job; i'd want to be his comfort.

I want to go back to agency work once I know supply will be picking up again. With constant school closures, I'm sticking to the nursery for now for the secure income.

In September, I hope to go back to agency work and therefore use my degree.

But life doesn't always go to plan and maybe in 10 years time I'll be a TA or HLTA, and according to my boyfriend, i'll be a disappointment.

Yes, there are times I get frustrated when I find out the area I live has over 200 applicants for a teaching job and yes i've cried sometimes and feel worthless over not having a permanent teaching job when I get good reviews from schools via agency.
Now this whole 'disappointed' has added more pressure to the pressure I was already feeling.
Nobody wants their boyfriend to see them as a disappointment.

[quote Starbumb]@araiwa nothing would have gone "horribly wrong" if someone has done a masters but ended up in a minimum wage job and they're happy.[/quote]
It wouldn’t be so great if their partner was having to pay all the bills!

OP it sounds like you're the one who knows what's what when it comes to real success. Hold true to your values, they're good ones.

Your BF sounds like a dick, which is bad enough, but his ideas are hardly unusual. (You see them on MN all the time whenever a man has the temerity to be out of work.) But he's also disrespectful of you, your work and your values, which is firmly LTB territory.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a total knob

I would say both points are valid. You can earn money and be happy but the stress part is definitely a factor. Different people want different things. I am more like your BF, but sometimes I look at my friends like you and wish I had a job without the constant pressure and stress - it's 24/7 I never switch off and the stress sometimes makes me ill and unable to sleep. Sometimes I want a life like them where I can switch off when I leave work and not worry. They look at me and think I wish I could fly everywhere business, live in a massive house and buy expensive clothes. But ultimately neither is wrong. The issue is more that the views are incompatible. If he just wanted to be a high achiever that's fine but the fact he expects the same of you is an issue. If he did what he wanted but allowed you to have the career you wanted fine - but his expectations of how you choose to live your life seem very off. I'm afraid that you probably will need to part ways at some point. You just do what makes you happy

I'm in the middle but more towards you OP. to me, success is a job you're happy in, feel fulfilled in, can develop in should you chose (so the option exists, regardless of whether you choose to take it) and you earn enough to live on. To me, that is paying the bills, a bit of fun money and something to save, even if not much. If you're there, OP, I'd be majority impressed with you

I know people always trot out the old Oh, it’s Mumsnet, everyone earns 100k blah blah... but over the years for every one of those high earner threads, there’s three from posters wondering how to cut their (already not high) weekly food shop, skipping meals to ensure dc have enough, needing food bank referrals, turning on the heating for only half an hour in November, wondering how they’re going to afford school uniform, being advised to ignore an eviction notice because they don’t have a deposit to rent somewhere else and so on and so on.

In none of those threads do the posters appear “content” or declare that they’ve prioritised happiness over monetary gain and it’s generally accepted on this site that life is hard for the majority of low income families. So I find it a bit odd that quite a few posters are encouraging OPs abstract view of “success” over the reality of, well...life.

I think his negativity about the content of your job is wrong. But I can see where’s coming from in general.

Firstly, if the two of you expect to get married, he might be thinking about how stressful it will be for him, if you are always on minimum wage, and he has to be the main provider.
Secondly, most people want their loved ones to realise their potential. My kids might be happy playing Xbox all day, but they are both bright, so it would feel a terrible waste to me if they didn’t use their brains to get qualifications and jobs to match.
You yourself have expressed disappointment at not being able to get a regular teaching job, so maybe that’s what he means - that if you still haven’t achieved this goal in 10 years it’ll be a disappointment.

@TheMethodicalMeerkat

I know people always trot out the old Oh, it’s Mumsnet, everyone earns 100k blah blah... but over the years for every one of those high earner threads, there’s three from posters wondering how to cut their (already not high) weekly food shop, skipping meals to ensure dc have enough, needing food bank referrals, turning on the heating for only half an hour in November, wondering how they’re going to afford school uniform, being advised to ignore an eviction notice because they don’t have a deposit to rent somewhere else and so on and so on.

In none of those threads do the posters appear “content” or declare that they’ve prioritised happiness over monetary gain and it’s generally accepted on this site that life is hard for the majority of low income families. So I find it a bit odd that quite a few posters are encouraging OPs abstract view of “success” over the reality of, well...life.

Those threads aren't always just because someone is on a low wage though are they?

It is entirely possible to live a decent life on a wage of that size in some parts of the country.

@Starbumb

Sorry I think some people haven't read subsequent posts I have wrote.

The debate was about "if" i was a nursery nurse in 10 years time.

To me, love is accepting your partner through the highs and lows, and I would support him if for whatever reason he lost his job; i'd want to be his comfort.

I want to go back to agency work once I know supply will be picking up again. With constant school closures, I'm sticking to the nursery for now for the secure income.

In September, I hope to go back to agency work and therefore use my degree.

But life doesn't always go to plan and maybe in 10 years time I'll be a TA or HLTA, and according to my boyfriend, i'll be a disappointment.

Yes, there are times I get frustrated when I find out the area I live has over 200 applicants for a teaching job and yes i've cried sometimes and feel worthless over not having a permanent teaching job when I get good reviews from schools via agency.
Now this whole 'disappointed' has added more pressure to the pressure I was already feeling.
Nobody wants their boyfriend to see them as a disappointment.

You haven't commented on your respective financial goals though.

If he wants to own a house 50:50 in 10 years' time and that's not possible because his partner has actively chosen to stay in a low paid job, he's entitled to feel disappointed about that. He'd probably feel different in 10 years' time if you were trying to earn more money now, but that it didn't work out for some reason.

It's a mismatch of ambition.

I would feel resentful as hell of a partner who expected to share in the same lifestyle as me but who had actively chosen to earn significantly less. I'd love to be happier at work but I can't afford to be happier at work. I think there are some unicorns out there who earn megabucks and enjoy what they do for a living - I'm hugely jealous of them. Most ordinary people get a choice between a high income or high satisfaction.

It's different if someone loses their job - they haven't chosen to earn less, it's just something shitty life has thrown at them.

If you enjoy your work,stick to it,as long as it pays the rent & your happy, I worked in cinemas for 20yrs & you certainly didn't work in those for the money,it's the life I loved,it covered my mortgage & stuff,never been interested in ladder climbing.

@TheMethodicalMeerkat

I know people always trot out the old Oh, it’s Mumsnet, everyone earns 100k blah blah... but over the years for every one of those high earner threads, there’s three from posters wondering how to cut their (already not high) weekly food shop, skipping meals to ensure dc have enough, needing food bank referrals, turning on the heating for only half an hour in November, wondering how they’re going to afford school uniform, being advised to ignore an eviction notice because they don’t have a deposit to rent somewhere else and so on and so on.

In none of those threads do the posters appear “content” or declare that they’ve prioritised happiness over monetary gain and it’s generally accepted on this site that life is hard for the majority of low income families. So I find it a bit odd that quite a few posters are encouraging OPs abstract view of “success” over the reality of, well...life.

We've also had plenty of threads from people on like 50/60k complaining they just don't have enough and asking for advice about how to make ends meet.

@TrustTheGeneGenie They’re usually because people/families are low income and struggling to afford the basics, yes!

Well that’s true too @AccidentallyOnPurpose but they’re usually told to cop the fuck on.

[quote TheMethodicalMeerkat]**@TrustTheGeneGenie* They’re usually* because people/families are low income and struggling to afford the basics, yes![/quote]
And usually there are things like debt involved, or being able to afford a lifestyle and then something changing etc.

It's not as simple as you cannot afford a nice life or a mortgage or children on 19k because you absolutely can.

Ok if you live in central London maybe you can't, but for many of us northerners we can live a nice life for that

Completely agree with you, op

I’m a qualified teacher too and taught full time for 16, aspects I loved but I chose to value my quality of life more, if that makes sense and I now do private tutoring and nannying and love it! I sometimes miss the money but value feeling no stress and more time to myself (shorter hours, no work at the weekend etc) my best friend has worked her way up to become a deputy head and whilst she probably doesn’t get my lack of ambition compared to her, there’s no way I’d swap places and want the extra stress and responsibility. I couldn’t think of anything worse! I am ambitious in that I’d so love to study for a masters, but that’s more about challenging myself and a personal sense of satisfaction.
In our group of friends, there is one who was a lawyer and left fo open up her own dog care and dog walking business and has never been happier! She earns fairly well, but obviously nothing like before, but she walks in the countryside and by the beach for hours a day, instead of being stuck in an office etc, so many people are gobsmacked she’s done it...I totally get it!
In fact, I’ve become less ambitious the older I get, if I could get by, I’d like to be a yoga teacher or sell ice creams on the beach 🤣

His comments to you would put me off completely and the fact he doesn’t seem like he has much depth to him at all, if he can’t see that success and happiness comes in different forms.

He’s being really rude and dismissive about your work. That would bother me. It doesn’t seem like he would value the role of looking after children at home either if he thinks it’s all so easy and basic.

Anyway...on to your question about success. It’s up to each of us to come up with our own answer to that. I deliberately haven’t applied for promotion because I enjoy doing my job and don’t want the stress and responsibility of managing a team. I’m happy with this but I’m sure others would think I’m not going after success. I’m comfortable with my decision though. My husband has a similar mindset.

It's the condescension that's a worry op. He doesn't value what you do and that would be a deal breaker for me. There are various reasons couples don't work and lack of respect and mismatch ambition is one.

I’m an early years practitioner and his shitty attitude makes my blood Boil. I’m in my 40s, I have a degree and we’re moulding the generation of people who will run the country.

Get rid of him. Honestly. Shit attitudes don’t improve.