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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

404 replies

Starbumb · 07/03/2021 16:35

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

OP posts:
TheMethodicalMeerkat · 07/03/2021 18:54

Also, in terms of family - many nursery nurses, care home staff, TAs and cleaners have children

True but many of them can’t afford to buy their own home, have a family holiday/days out with the dc, have no savings if anything goes wrong etc. I do agree these jobs should be higher paid but the fact is they’re not and anybody choosing to go into one of those roles knows that.

Fine if you’re content with the standard of living a low paid job will give you and your future family but the reality is if you stay in that role and want a family and secure home, your partner will then have to be the one taking on much of the financial responsibility. That’s the case in plenty of households but it has to be by agreement and I think if he wants financial responsibility to be on a more equal basis or would like more out of life than just getting by, he’s entitled to be clear about that.

I do agree though that he was very disparaging about your job which was really out of order.

araiwa · 07/03/2021 18:54

If you do a masters and in 10 years time you're still working for minimum wage I'd think something has gone horribly wrong too

honeylulu · 07/03/2021 18:55

Your boyfriend simply doesn't feel why you should have the 'fun' low paying job whilst he pays the lions share

Or he might be an Alpha Male type who wants children but considers them all the woman's responsibility. In which case a nursery job might actually fit really well. When my kids were at nursery a few of the nursery nurses had kids at the nursery for a reduced rate and no rushing off at the end of the day. They just went home with their own child. OP can you imagine your boyfriend rushing off from the building site to do nursery pickup? I'm guessing not.

Reinventinganna · 07/03/2021 18:55

I encouraged Dh to take a lower paying role which he found more happiness in.

We do encourage each other to progress but we also value happiness (so long as the bills are paid obviously).

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 18:56

@araiwa nothing would have gone "horribly wrong" if someone has done a masters but ended up in a minimum wage job and they're happy.

OP posts:
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 07/03/2021 18:57

[quote Starbumb]@TrustTheGeneGenie yes I don't understand these comments about low paid jobs and the ability to have children when loads of people do it.
It's not just high-paying earners that can have kids Confused[/quote]
...have you seen how hard it is for many of them? I do think you’re on another planet. Do you know how much things cost and the kind of sacrifices you need to make on a low wage to have a child?

I don’t blame anyone for saying that this is not the life they want to lead when they have a choice about it. He is entirely entitled to say that he wants to own a house one day, wants to be able to afford the groceries he wants and would like to have a yearly holiday.

airsealengineer · 07/03/2021 18:58

@TooMinty

I don't think it matters whether we agree with your measure of success, what matters is that you and your boyfriend have such different values and also he is making unpleasant remarks about a career he knows you enjoy. I think maybe this relationship might not work in the long term?
This. He has not respect for you, for what you do or your values.

He is also pig-ignorant about early years work.

mam0918 · 07/03/2021 18:59

I think 'success' is really just stupid.

What matters is living the life you want and like you I also choose happiness over monitory gain.

You can cry in a mansion and laugh in a studio appartment it really isnt the measure of a man (or woman) and for me my success is my wonderful children not a fancy career title and big pay check.

Sweak · 07/03/2021 18:59

Thanks for getting back to me. I suspect maybe you've not been dismissed like me as you have an early years/primary background.

To be honest I'm so demoralised I'm thinking of just returning to secondary school teaching. There's only so many times you can hear no!

I've actually never done supply so it's something to think about, thank you.

And for what it's worth...I agree with you and I see success as happiness not monetary value. And if the money is of concern then surely you could work your way up into management.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 07/03/2021 18:59

[quote Starbumb]@TrustTheGeneGenie yes I don't understand these comments about low paid jobs and the ability to have children when loads of people do it.
It's not just high-paying earners that can have kids Confused[/quote]
This is MN, every second person earns circa 100k in a "niche" job (well that's what they tell us anyway)

If nobody wanted to work in a nursery frankly we'd all be fucked.

I personally think happiness is very important. If you can afford somewhere to live, nice things, babies if you want them then what's the problem?

I am lucky to live somewhere where a couple of 19k jobs can buy you a house and have enough left over for nice things and holidays

TrustTheGeneGenie · 07/03/2021 19:01

He is entirely entitled to say that he wants to own a house one day, wants to be able to afford the groceries he wants and would like to have a yearly holiday

Well yes, if that's what he said (and again, not unachievable at all) but he didn't say that did he? He was a rude condescending arsehole.

TalktotheFoot · 07/03/2021 19:02

You're not on the same wavelength at all, are you? His outlook on life is completely different from yours, and he seems to place no value whatever on the career choices of others; in fact he looks down on them. That is not a nice attitude to have, is it?

OP, you need to start thinking long and hard about whether or not you want to spend your life with someone who belittles you.

IndecentFeminist · 07/03/2021 19:03

Of course lots of lower earners have kids.

In my experience, most TAs, nursery nurses etc are not the main wage earner in their household. Depending on what quality of life you want, independent of benefits, you may find you need a 'higher' earner around.

KeflavikAirport · 07/03/2021 19:06

He said she spent her days wiping bums. That’s pretty dismissive.

ITakeCharge · 07/03/2021 19:07

I am glad you enjoy your work and are successful at it. I think he is rude to be so dismissive of it. However it is not wrong of him to be concerned that your low earning potential if you stay in this job will put the financial burden of the relationship on him if you stay together and could limit his lifestyle in terms of accommodation, travel, plans to have a family etc. If he aspires to a lifestyle that is only possible if you both have an income like his, he is allowed to be disappointed if he thinks that won't happen.

People can say money doesn't matter and job satisfaction is more important and I agree that is true to an extent. He may be looking at never being able to own a home if he stays with you, depending on house prices where you are. He may feel strongly about private schools for any children or being able to travel and give the children opportunities in sports, the arts etc. Neither of you are wrong, other than he was unnecessarily rude, but you have to think about where this relationship is going if you don't have mutually agreed goals and values.

araiwa · 07/03/2021 19:07

[quote Starbumb]@araiwa nothing would have gone "horribly wrong" if someone has done a masters but ended up in a minimum wage job and they're happy.[/quote]
Why bother with the time work and cost of a masters then not use it for a job you could've got at 18 , just out of college?

Beautiful3 · 07/03/2021 19:08

I had a successful job, where I earned a high salary. I wasn't very happy. To me success equals happiness. I'd rather be happy than rich and miserable.

AgathaAllAlong · 07/03/2021 19:08

That is a terrible attitude to have towards people who do one of the most important jobs there is, at least from the perspective of the children and parents.

Scottishskifun · 07/03/2021 19:10

OP you have to remember this is mumsnet where apparently its normal for everyone to have a salary over 80K, a nanny, a cleaner and live in a London townhouse while having a holiday home in Cornwall or the Highlands and have at least 3 holidays abroad each year and absolutely has to have a new car every 5 years because why wouldn't you......

Reality of life means that a vast number of people are on different salaries. If your happy and paying the bills then that's all that matters.
When I lived in SW England the average salary was about 16K and I'm mid 30s so it's not that long ago!

Jessica60 · 07/03/2021 19:11

You are appreciated by me. My kids nursery is amazing and I think they should be on more money.
I know high earners who wish they could be happy and not in their current occupation.
Happiness is more important.

apalledandshocked · 07/03/2021 19:12

@Viviennemary

Just so long as you don't expect somebody else's hard work to provide for you.
The irony is though that myself, and probably a lot of people on this thread, are relying on the hard work of people like the OP to do their own job. The past year of lockdown has shown me how truly fucked I would be without nursery care for their child. It has been IMPOSSIBLE for me to do my job adequately without it and Im sure Im not the only person. Yes on an individual level he has the right to want a partner earning the same amount as him, but if we criticise women that work in lower paid jobs and "rely" on their partner (or benefits if single) then we are massive massive hypocrites
MiaMarshmallows · 07/03/2021 19:15

I got pulled apart when I suggested a relative of mine should be aiming higher as they have a degree and is doing a minimum wage job. I left a thread about it a few weeks back. Everyone said I was in the wrong yet here, everyone is saying the opposite.
Good old Mumsnet.

lockeddownandcrazy · 07/03/2021 19:16

Loads of TAs are qualified teachers but just prefer the TA's role - more hands on, less paperwork.

pickingdaisies · 07/03/2021 19:16

Well, he hasn't got a clue. It's skilled and scandalously underpaid, exploiting the talents of the staff who are often way over qualified for the role, you are right about that OP.
And quite a few posters could save themselves time typing redundant posts if they read the OP's posts. She does not plan to stay as a nursery nurse forever, she wants to progress, or move back into teaching, but she loves what she's doing. And that is fantastic. OP your boyfriend is a Muppet.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/03/2021 19:17

[quote Starbumb]@TrustTheGeneGenie yes I don't understand these comments about low paid jobs and the ability to have children when loads of people do it.
It's not just high-paying earners that can have kids Confused[/quote]
How much does he actually earn?

I know you said he's in construction and doing well, but will he actually ever be one of those 100k earners?

With years of experience under his belt, being really good at what he does and a pretty good pay OH is still nowhere near that.