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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

404 replies

Starbumb · 07/03/2021 16:35

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

OP posts:
Pinkfreesias · 07/03/2021 21:48

Who does he think is going to look after the kids of all these £250K joint income parents who will probably have to work 12+ hours per day? Who will pack or deliver the shopping they do online in their lunch break because work leaves them no time to go to the supermarket? Who will clean their offices? Their house? Who will cook & deliver the takeaway they order as its too late to cook when they get in from work at 9pm?

We're not all going to be high-fliers. It is just not possible, even if we all wanted that. You are absolutely right, OP. Success is about (personal and/or employment) fulfilment, peace of mind and happiness. To me, it also includes having a wonderful, loving & caring husband to share my life with.

Your boyfriend has a skewed view on life and it is concerning that he puts you & your job down.

TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 07/03/2021 21:53

Politely remind him that one day someone will be wiping his arse when he is old and infirm.

Personally he sounds cold and unfeeling, rude and obnoxious so I would ditch his arse, but that's me.

SandyY2K · 07/03/2021 22:10

Haha bet he wouldn't last for more than half a day as a nursery practitioner.

It's not really about not being able to do the job. There's jobs I wouldn't last in, but I wouldn't want to do those jobs, however I do recognise how important those jobs are.

OP... it's the way he expressed himself and reduced your work to wiping bums etc. That shows he doesn't have any understanding of what it involves or he was just being horrible....which is what would bother me the most.

There are no end of threads on MN where the man has a so called "hobby job" or earns a fairly low salary but enjoys what he does.

This is fine if his partner is a higher earner who is prepared to provide the main financial support. But in most of the threads, his partner is expressing unhappiness with having the financial burden placed on them or would like to also take a lower paid job and/or work part time. Or the family simply doesn't have enough money. The advice then is generally that the man has to "step up"

I agree with this. It puts the pressure on the other partner.

The worse thing is his belittling your job the way he did, but in terms of success I agree with him. A job I was happy in with low pay, wouldn't make me happy in other areas....because I couldn't afford what I want.

As finances are a major issue in relationship breakdowns, it's important to think about whether your views are compatible.

Not every well paying job comes with unbearable stress and some people cope with stress better.

LikeTheOceansWeRise · 07/03/2021 22:22

I mean, if you are stressed and miserable nearly every day, having the money for a fortnight in the Bahamas won’t fix it!

This 100%

ThreeLocusts · 07/03/2021 22:23

Your bf has ambition confused with opportunism. Ambition is wanting to do a job well, not to do a high-paid job. You can be a nursery teacher and be ambitious and you can be a banker without ambition.

People in well-paid jobs claiming that they deserve it all because they 'had the ambition' or 'worked hard' is just self-serving. My cleaner works harder than some of my much better paid colleagues. Falling for that kind of drivel is either opportunistic or plain dumb. There is a hint of the bully about this rhetoric too.

Magnificentmug12 · 07/03/2021 22:42

You sound young and lacking in life experience. I didn’t do further education so have no idea what age that would make you having done a degree.

I earn more than 19k though.

(And it is not enough with 2 kids and a partner that earns 23k)

People who have children on low wages are supported by benefits, nothihn wrong with that, but the truth about being on benefits is a massive lasso of choice......in practically everything!!

Magnificentmug12 · 07/03/2021 22:43

Lack*

echt · 07/03/2021 22:54

Your boyfriend has told you what he is OP, so believe him. He's done you a favour really.

His contempt for what you do is contempt for you, as he's made plain by his projected disappointment in you if you don't buck your ideas up in the future.

Who needs such a carbuncle?

Oh, and I predict very dodgy/inequitable financial arrangements in any closer relationship.

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 22:55

@Magnificentmug12 People in lower paid jobs do not 'lack life experience'.
Good for you earning more than 19k despite not doing a degree.
However, these days a degree does not guarantee a high income. It's nothing to do with me not having life experience Hmm

If anything, i'd say those who judge lower paid workers lack life experience.

Also, where did I say I was planning on going on benefits? Once again, you haven't read previous posts in which I was an agency teacher and planning to go back into teaching.

You must live in an expensive part of the Uk as where I am, many people can live happily on 21k, even if they were single.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 22:57

I really do wish more people didn't see these low-paid careers as less than high-paying ones.
Carers, nursery nurses, SEN assistents, teaching assistants, cleaners, support workers give so much to society. None of then lack life skills because they have a low-paying career.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 22:58

And there are many more jobs to add to that list but of course I cant list them all Grin

OP posts:
Frogartist · 07/03/2021 23:04

@Starbumb

I really do wish more people didn't see these low-paid careers as less than high-paying ones. Carers, nursery nurses, SEN assistents, teaching assistants, cleaners, support workers give so much to society. None of then lack life skills because they have a low-paying career.
Those are some of the most important jobs that exist!
VVKills27 · 07/03/2021 23:15

I think you should be very proud of the valuable work you do and he ought to be proud of you. Success and income are not one and the same. Eg people who work their way to the top financially yet lose relationships in doing so as it doesn’t afford them a healthy work/life balance. I hope your boyfriends learns to value the caring professions before he ever has a child who needs childcare or a sick relative who needs nursing or an elderly parent who needs a care assistant. Success in life is so much more than making a lot of money.

CraftyYankee · 08/03/2021 00:14

OP you haven't answered the question so many people have raised- why are you staying with him if this is his attitude? You have expressed disappointment at his perspective. Does it make you question staying in this relationship?

DdraigGoch · 08/03/2021 01:17

He doesn't respect your (perfectly commendable) chosen path in life. Is this someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with?

£19k may be below average but it's hardly impoverishing. In a previous job I earned £14k which left me with a little left over. An extra £5k a year would easily have given me a deposit within a couple of years. As it happened though, I moved jobs and bought a house (alone) at 25. Perhaps there are some posters on here who have never left Islington and have no understanding that there are parts of the country where house prices are sensible.

twoshedsjackson · 08/03/2021 01:21

I am a qualified teacher, now retired, and one thing my teaching career instilled in me was the deepest respect for those who deal with EYFS aka the Mad Little Tinies. Anyone with any notion of child development knows how crucial those foundation years are; they set the tone for the rest of the pupil's educational career. My last school went from 7-18, and it was annoying enough to have colleagues in the Senior School who perceived the proper teaching and learning beginning at KS3; to be fair colleagues who had raised youngsters of their own had more appreciation of building good foundations.
Do you see your future with this person? It doesn't sound as if he has much appreciation of the absolutely crucial role played in anybody's life by their care and nurture from birth, and would see baby care as none of his business.
I'm not dismissing the importance of making a decent living, but there are other ways of perceive the value of the work you do.

fuckenay · 08/03/2021 01:40

Op if you stay with him and have children he will treat you like dirt. He obviously thinks childcare is a piece of piss. If you take any maternity leave he won't be a supportive partner.

RainbowMum11 · 08/03/2021 02:16

When I was younger I thought that your BFs idea was the measure of success.
I have worked hard, studied hard and all of that, but following a significant bereavement, I definitely think happiness is the measure of success

Crikeycroc · 08/03/2021 02:40

You have two separate issues here:

  1. Your bf is a twat. The way he describes your job is offensive and ignorant. He sounds like and arrogant arsehole who would never compromise or work as a team of you were to have kids or get married. Get rid.
  1. You are not using your degree. I would consider moving further afield for a job. It doesn’t have to be forever. You’re in a better position to get teaching work in a more competitive area once you have more experience. What’s tying you to your current area now we have disposed of the crap man? Grin
SandyY2K · 08/03/2021 03:06

Apparantly "nobody grows up wanting to be a teaching assistant'

I've never known anyone wanting to be a TA when they grow up tbh. Based on what you've said about him, although some people may aspire to be a TA, that wouldn't be the ambition of people in his social circle when he was growing up.

People often socialise with people from similar backgrounds, not necessarily that they'd do the same job.

TheSilence · 08/03/2021 03:12

OP are there any other ways in which he’s egotistical, arrogant or misogynistic?

Coyoacan · 08/03/2021 03:17

OP, I just wanted to say that I think good nursery nurses should be paid top wages as you have the most effect on the lives of the children that you care for. I'm so glad you are currently working with little ones and feel that vocation and I'm sorry you are with someone who doesn't appreciate you.

TaraR2020 · 08/03/2021 03:19

I had a boyfriend like that. Notice I said 'had'...

SandyY2K · 08/03/2021 03:45

I really do wish more people didn't see these low-paid careers as less than high-paying ones.
Carers, nursery nurses, SEN assistents, teaching assistants, cleaners, support workers give so much to society. None of then lack life skills because they have a low-paying career.

This is an idealistic view. There's no denying they give a lot to society and no question that they do have life skills, but in terms of their worth...they aren't valued as highly in as other roles.
Society wouldn't be able to function without these roles being performed.

When I was in school, some of the girls in the bottom sets were told to do a CSE in childcare instead of a science subject and it set the tone of how childcare was perceived.

I carry out job evaluations as part of my work now and I look at the skills required, qualifications, professional membership, and the main tasks and responsibilities etc. A job gets analysed and scored based on those things and the roles you listed (I've evaluated a few of them) have a lower score. So they pay less. We can easily get these roles filled when recruiting, because many people can do them.... they're not seen as difficult.

When people study to a certain level and go through further professional training for their roles, higher value is placed..which gives a higher reward. These roles are not as easy to recruit to.