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AIBU?

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Original poster

He deleted her straight away.

156 replies

Summerpetals · 05/03/2021 11:51

I'm the best part of 8 months in a dating now relationship. All is good between us. No problems. He treats me really well. He's open and I know about his past relationships as he does mine.

He's mid 40s and I'm 12 years younger. one of things I liked about him was how he has treated me. He's still got some of the old fashioned gent in him. Hes given me no reason to doubt him. He's shown me a women that's messages he's never opened and he blocked her. She made a second profile to contact him again. He showed me all that. He tells me all the time to ask if I don't know who someone is that he talks to online etc. Although 99% of his Facebook his work mates or ex school friends and family.

Last weekend I saw he had liked a profile picture of a women around my age. I had never seen her before. She was also the last friend he had added to his Facebook and it seems he added her last weekend. . I thought nothing much more of it. Even though in the picture she's in a see through white dress on holiday.

I woke up this morning after we spent last night together. He sent me a lovely message before work. I popped on Facebook and it was in my newsfeed he had been looking her photos in the night. I knew he couldn't sleep. But my heart sank. That horrible feeling you get when you can sense what's going on. He liked another holiday photo of her in a skimpy dress and then a selfie of her at home posing as you do.

So I decided to ask. I said it's ony newsfeed this morning you were liking "Sarah Smith's" photos in the night. He said he had known her years and asked if it was a problem as be was happy to delete her. I said no it's not a problem but just so we are clear If you have any interest in her based on looks and you are going to be checking her out I would appreciate you ending things with me first. Within seconds he said oh I've deleted her she's gone. I only want you.

He called me just now on his break and I said can we speak about this morning as you said you had known her years and deleted her so fast. Why did you react like that. He claimed he needs to go through his profile and have a clear out and she's one of them he might aswel delete as he doesn't speak to her.

This is absolute nonsense as she's new on his Facebook and he was checking her out in the night.

I'm feeling abit quiet today as I feel abit confused by his panic delete. As soon as I asked he was straight onto deleting her and telling me how much he's in love with me. I want to believe him. But one of the photos was from her profile 6 months ago so it wasn't a new one.

Not sure what I'm writing this for. Just hope someone can tell me how they would feel.

OP posts:
InsertCoolHalloweenNameHere · 05/03/2021 16:11

Unless you're friends with this woman the only way you would know if he'd liked a picture or post she had put up would be to stalk her profile. Do you constantly go through his friends list and find women to stalk and whinge at him about?

AllGonnaLaughAtYou · 05/03/2021 16:14

Although, maybe sexy-yoga-lady is a group page...

Anyway, OPs fucked off.

diagold4u · 05/03/2021 16:19

@Busbotch Facebook does notify your friends on pictures you like and even comment on!! They can see it. It's so annoying that I dont use Facebook anymore, I just sometimes browse on it out of boredom

AnImposter · 05/03/2021 16:27

You can look on someone's profile page and click 'activity log' and it shows every single thing they've liked and commented on so although it's a bit stalkery to do it you can see times and likes of almost everything 🤷🏻‍♀️

Cccc1111 · 05/03/2021 16:27

You sound too much hard work. Stop policing his fb. You’re controlling him. He probably just deleted her rather than deal with the aggro of you hassling him further.

diagold4u · 05/03/2021 16:28

All these ppl that think Facebook doesn't notify your friends of comments and likes. YES IT DOES!! when I sometimes browse on Facebook, my newsfeed is full of what my friends have liked and or commented on. It's not even just liking pictures, it will tell me the pages they have liked.
I stopped using Facebook for this reason, my friends would get notified if I commented on a business page for example, they would in real life ask me about it, my brother also would tell me what I comment and like on appear on his newsfeed, he's not even friends with my friends.

Bluenightowl · 05/03/2021 16:30

I doubt very much he knows her years but you already know this I think?
I don't think you are reading too much into anything but.......you don't trust him and whats the point of continuing with this?
Its easy for people who have never been cheated on to say stop using social media and stop overthinking. Trust your gut.

Rosieposy89 · 05/03/2021 16:31

I honestly couldn't be bothered with your relationship. It sounds like too much hardwork. Relationships are supposed to enrich your life, not make you miserable. This level of intrusion and control isn't healthy and is only going to get worse. If you don't trust him then end it.

SeaShoreGalore · 05/03/2021 16:36

I also think he sounds like he's bending over backwards to give you transparency on his social media activity in a way that suggests he has something to hide

This!

emilyfrost · 05/03/2021 16:40

I can’t tell you the issues stalking my partner on FB/Twitter/Insta has caused. It made me ill with paranoia. We got rid of it all. It was a huge relief and my life is honestly better for it.

PondDipper By “we” I hope you don’t mean he got rid of his social media too. He’s not responsible for your insecurities and paranoia, that’s a problem for you to deal with in a healthy way, not by stopping your partner from using normal platforms.

Cocomarine · 05/03/2021 16:51

He’s hiding in plain sight.
Not once has a man told me to ask about anyone he befriends or likes or whatever.
He wants to do it, and he wants you to feel you can’t object because he’s so “open”.
You know he’s a liar 🤷🏻‍♀️

imalmostthere · 05/03/2021 16:56

Facebook doesn't show you if your friend has liked something on your timeline, only if you comment. You can see what they've liked if you go to their profile and click their activity log - so, no, it wouldn't come up on op's timeline as some have mentioned! Only if it's a comment! You have to actively look to find someone's likes.

malteasergeezer · 05/03/2021 16:58

It seems to me that all these picture posting fora like Facebook and Instagram have had the effect of turning a lot of fairly normal people into jealous oversized toddlers. 'Infantalising' doesn't begin to touch it Hmm.

shivawn · 05/03/2021 17:01

You have nothing without trust.

SunshineCake · 05/03/2021 17:02

Nah. This is no good. Any man who likes a woman's photos when she is in a state of undress or in revealing clothes isn't respectful imo.

lioncitygirl · 05/03/2021 17:04

Did you flounce OP? 🤦🏻‍♀️

crystalcherry87 · 05/03/2021 17:33

He obviously fancies this woman. He deleted her because you caught him out and he panicked.

IEat · 05/03/2021 17:40

He said he deleted
You asked more questions another day
Doesn’t sound like trustworthy relationship

IsThePopeCatholic · 05/03/2021 17:43

He’s lying. Don’t trust the ‘old fashioned gent’ smarm, op.

RevolvingPivot · 05/03/2021 17:48

Is this a reverse? Had he told you to delete a make on Facebook?

If it was the around we would be telling her to leave him.

CaffineismyBFF · 05/03/2021 17:58

You're 28. He's 40. Realistically you'll probably want different things in a few years time. You don't sound like you're on the same page and if he's checking out other women on social media, then you may as well walk.
Save yourself the hassle.

Uzer · 05/03/2021 18:39

Clearly OP is insecure, her DP is a sleeze and/or a cheat. Clearly she is looking for some form of validation on here - it happens in real life as well, but there is no need to pile on her.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 05/03/2021 18:59

TBH, the previous stuff sounds like he was setting the stage with women he wasn't interested in anymore so that you'd be all 'that's fine, I trust you' when he actually wants to do something.

It's weird.

Did he ever expect the same from you? Or was the 'Oh, I trust you and don't hold you to the same standards I do myself' pre emptive defence deployed?

1Morewineplease · 05/03/2021 19:21

So this is the man that said that if he owned a Ferrari , he'd still look at Lamborghinis? After you'd caught him looking at other women on FB?
I don't understand why you're still with him.
He's playing the ' I'm open and honest ' card but is mentally cheating on you, behind your back. You challenge him then he comes clean but then he carries on until the next time.
You fall for his spiel every time, but you don't trust him and you continue to check on him and he then says ' ok I'll delete.'
This is just going to go on and on and on.

You clearly don't trust him , he clearly doesn't care that much about you ... why are you staying with him.

It sounds like you're addicted to a serial charmer and you just can't let go of him.

EatTheMince · 06/03/2021 11:35

@Illberidingshotgun

FB wouldn't tell you that he had been looking at her photos. It wouldn't tell you that he'd liked a profile picture, not even if you were friends with her also, you would have to specifically look at her profile.

It seems you have spent an awful lot on his profile and on the profile of any of his (female) friends. This must be quite an unhappy place to be, OP. I would gently suggest that whether he is up to no good or not, this relationship is not working for you at this current time. He may be the most loyal partner ever, or he may be seeing many other women behind your back, but which ever is true, you are not happy.

Have you been cheated on in the past or have other reasons for not trusting a partner? It may be worth taking some time away from dating as at the moment it sounds like you are looking for reasons to mistrust him.

I think this is perfectly put and excellent advice.