He deleted her straight away.

[Summerpetals]

I'm the best part of 8 months in a dating now relationship. All is good between us. No problems. He treats me really well. He's open and I know about his past relationships as he does mine.

He's mid 40s and I'm 12 years younger. one of things I liked about him was how he has treated me. He's still got some of the old fashioned gent in him. Hes given me no reason to doubt him. He's shown me a women that's messages he's never opened and he blocked her. She made a second profile to contact him again. He showed me all that. He tells me all the time to ask if I don't know who someone is that he talks to online etc. Although 99% of his Facebook his work mates or ex school friends and family.

Last weekend I saw he had liked a profile picture of a women around my age. I had never seen her before. She was also the last friend he had added to his Facebook and it seems he added her last weekend. . I thought nothing much more of it. Even though in the picture she's in a see through white dress on holiday.

I woke up this morning after we spent last night together. He sent me a lovely message before work. I popped on Facebook and it was in my newsfeed he had been looking her photos in the night. I knew he couldn't sleep. But my heart sank. That horrible feeling you get when you can sense what's going on. He liked another holiday photo of her in a skimpy dress and then a selfie of her at home posing as you do.

So I decided to ask. I said it's ony newsfeed this morning you were liking "Sarah Smith's" photos in the night. He said he had known her years and asked if it was a problem as be was happy to delete her. I said no it's not a problem but just so we are clear If you have any interest in her based on looks and you are going to be checking her out I would appreciate you ending things with me first. Within seconds he said oh I've deleted her she's gone. I only want you.

He called me just now on his break and I said can we speak about this morning as you said you had known her years and deleted her so fast. Why did you react like that. He claimed he needs to go through his profile and have a clear out and she's one of them he might aswel delete as he doesn't speak to her.

This is absolute nonsense as she's new on his Facebook and he was checking her out in the night.

I'm feeling abit quiet today as I feel abit confused by his panic delete. As soon as I asked he was straight onto deleting her and telling me how much he's in love with me. I want to believe him. But one of the photos was from her profile 6 months ago so it wasn't a new one.

Not sure what I'm writing this for. Just hope someone can tell me how they would feel.

So he's pretending she's someone he's followed for a long time when you know that's not the case.

That would bother me, however, what really jumps out to me is how over the top he is. He's told you to ask him if you don't recognise who he talks to on social media, has shown you people who've messaged him that he's deleted, etc. That would make me suspicious. It's behaviour I'd expect from someone who has had past relationship problems around his use of social media. Either that, or he's feeling guilty for some reason (looking at other women when he knows you wouldn't like it).

It's like he's anticipating trouble and trying to manage it before it gets out of control. That would worry me.

Honestly? you both sound like a pair of teenagers, overly invested in social media and the drama that surrounds it. The whole knowing each others relationship history I find odd. I've been married 22 years & I couldn't begin to tell you who my DH was with before we got together nor vice versa. It simply isn't relevant.

To answer your question "how would this make you feel?"... Only you know if you can trust him or not. Go with your gut and if it doesn't feel right then you need to split up. You will never feel relaxed and if you are questioning his actions now at what should still be the honeymoon phase then you will never feel secure. If my DH was suddenly liking photos of women he claimed to either not know or barely knew I wouldn't be happy. I mean, why would someone do that?! And tbh, I would find it a bit off if he "liked" photos of female friends posing in "skimpy" dresses (your phrase...does sound pearl clutching but I take your point) accompanied by that awful pouty pose beloved of social media selfie-sharers: because I think it's quite attention seeking and I would be a bit at DH fuelling the fire, so to speak.

How do you know so much about his Facebook profile?
I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and wouldn’t know who is new/ not new on his social media.
Weird.

OP in all seriousness you sound like you need therapy. You need to look at your own major insecurities. You are being really controlling.

If he is regularly looking at random women on facebook he is a total creep. The answer is not to control him. It's to leave him.

@Shnuffles it sounds as if OP has questioned him to get those statements.

@ErickBroch

I mean, you're lying because your news feed would not show him liking her pics in the middle of the night. Only if you were also friends with her could you possibly see that he had liked/commented on a photo.

The fact she is a new add and he's liking skimpy photos in the middle of the night, and you're clearly logged into his FB account, I would say this relationship is absolutely dead in the water.

She's not necessarily lying.

Yes, Facebook doesn't say "A Jones liked this at 2.45am" but you can easily figure it out. If the photo was only uploaded at midnight, for example, then it's not like he could have liked it three years ago.

And you don't have to be friends with the other person to see that information - if their post is public it can quite easily come up on your newsfeed. I often get notifications that friends have liked posts from profiles that are public.

you sound bonkers. I like people´s pictures all the time. Doesn´t mean I want to shag them.

Your behaviour is controlling. Please get a hold of yourself.

Just to clarify, I'm not remotely saying her behaviour is acceptable but she's not necessarily lying either.

@MizMoonshine

Follow that lead. The way he's acted sounds alarm bells. Message her and ask her how she knows him etc. Enact the girl code.

If he's being honest go forward trusting him.

If he's lying dump his arse.

You're not serious are you? I'd dump a bloke who pulled that shit.

This sounds tedious. You sound suspicious, insecure and like you’re pretending you’re not snooping, he sounds like he likes perving on other women and is denying it. Sounds a bit shit for 8 months in.

@sunflowersandbuttercups Whilst I understand what you're saying, her other posts add little tidbits that do make it clear she is stalking his account massively. Acting like it's just something she's noticed by chance is a load of nonsense. Aside from her behaviour, he is adding young women he doesn't know and liking their photos in the night. It would be immediately over for me.

[quote ErickBroch]@sunflowersandbuttercups Whilst I understand what you're saying, her other posts add little tidbits that do make it clear she is stalking his account massively. Acting like it's just something she's noticed by chance is a load of nonsense. Aside from her behaviour, he is adding young women he doesn't know and liking their photos in the night. It would be immediately over for me.[/quote]
Oh, I agree both of them are behaving badly.

I wouldn't like it if my b/f added a female friend and 'liked' her photo's and lets face it, the photo's aren't of her looking like shit or family pics etc. Also, the showing you messages and saying he's blocked them etc - it's trying too hard - like he's force feeding you to trust him. It would ring alarm bells with me. Don't obviously know the full story here. I admit to doing a bit of FB stalking now and then but just out of random curiosity. When it takes up too much of your head space, there are bigger issues at play.
I don't think you trust him OP, why not end it, doesn't have to be a big row, just move on.

[quote lilmishap]@Shnuffles it sounds as if OP has questioned him to get those statements.[/quote]
Maybe so. How I read it was that he's the one volunteering a lot of this information. (He's "open".) If he's only saying and doing these things to reassure OP in response to her questions, that's different, but if he's the one making a big deal about being completely open and transparent, I think too much of that is suspicious. It could still be mostly innocent, but it might point to past relationship problems stemming from his use of social media.

You complained, he offered to do something about it. He did something about it and you want to talk that over with him because that was wrong.

I’m tired just reading about it. Sounds like you’re better off out of it.

If my boyfriend was liking pictures of women in see through dresses, Id not be happy either. It's disrespectful. Sounds to me like he's keeping his options open/enjoying the flirting.

You might be better with someone your own age, OP.
Let this one go.
And stop with the stalkery stuff, ok?
What I fear, I create.

I love ‘old fashioned gent’ to describe someone 5 years younger than me & most of my friends 😂surely we were all raving in fields a few years ago (well 30 years ago...but nonetheless, it still wasn’t Victorian times, it was basically like now only you met and has relationships in real life without the bonkers neurosis clearly caused by social media).

However OP, this man who I would think more of as ‘the oldest swinger in town’ than ‘old fashioned gent’ sounds a bit pathetic...that expression doesn’t relate to ‘swinging’ btw - it’s just how we used to refer to the pathetic old creepy guys clinging on to the idea of their youth, who, in the olden days were always lurking at the back of the dance floor at a club until the end of the night - hoping at some point someone would be drunk enough and it would be dark enough for someone to not notice their receding hairline and paunch so they could sidle up & get their sleaze on 🤢!!

OP - your ‘boyfriend’ is just doing the modern version of that, I think social media must be a godsend for creepy guys - but these days, instead of preying on girls who’ve had one too many bacardis at the disco they now prey on girls online whose self esteem and sense of worth is so low that they feel the need to post public duck face selfies of themselves to get external validation...then creepy guy sidles up and says with his leery halitosis smile...“hello pretty laydee you look so sexy tonight” (i.e presses ‘like’ on a photo of them in a white dress...).

Whilst this whole thing you’ve done with analysing his Facebook likes is a bit weird & does admittedly make you sound like very hard work OP - his reaction to what you said with the deleting etc couldn’t set off any more ‘run for the hills’ alarms if he tried. Hope you listen to those alarms as it’ll be a rough road from here on in if not..(& top tip - don’t go man shopping in the creepy guy section next time!).

Both of you sound odd.

I don't know any men in their 40s (who are in a relationship) that spend any time on social media checking out and 'liking' photos of other people. This would be utterly boring for most blokes I know - they genuinely could not give a shit if 'Sarah's hair looks nice in that picture'... I also cannot imagine why he feels the need to show you messages from other women that he's blocking/deleted.

Oh wait! Yes, I can - I've read your post. You sound controlling and jealous and slightly bunny boiler-y. You are checking his SM actions and immediately demanding explanations. I don't think this is a healthy relationship on either side.

You should both get off social media

Can I derail the thread to add that the best thing about this thread is @chipsandgin description of "the oldest swinger in town" replete with "leery halitosis smile" . For those of us who remember clubbing in the 80's, that conjures up such vivid memories and actually is so utterly appropriate for the type of man who leers at random women on social media.

His reaction to delete either suggests that you come across as very jealous and he is super submissive, and is doing so to avoid any confrontation. Or, he is so quick to delete other women so that when the time comes for him to do the true reveal - the expectations are set for you to delete males he's not keen on without question.

Either way, this seems a bit much so early on. From both of you.

Follow your gut

I think some responses you've had are harsh.

You sound incredibly insecure. If he was doing this to you, we'd all be calling him a controlling arsehole who stalks what you do online. You will probably end up chasing him away or you'll keep going until he agrees to delete all his social media accounts, then you'll most likely find something else to obsess over.

How can you tell when someone has just been looking at photos??