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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He deleted her straight away.

156 replies

Summerpetals · 05/03/2021 11:51

I'm the best part of 8 months in a dating now relationship. All is good between us. No problems. He treats me really well. He's open and I know about his past relationships as he does mine.

He's mid 40s and I'm 12 years younger. one of things I liked about him was how he has treated me. He's still got some of the old fashioned gent in him. Hes given me no reason to doubt him. He's shown me a women that's messages he's never opened and he blocked her. She made a second profile to contact him again. He showed me all that. He tells me all the time to ask if I don't know who someone is that he talks to online etc. Although 99% of his Facebook his work mates or ex school friends and family.

Last weekend I saw he had liked a profile picture of a women around my age. I had never seen her before. She was also the last friend he had added to his Facebook and it seems he added her last weekend. . I thought nothing much more of it. Even though in the picture she's in a see through white dress on holiday.

I woke up this morning after we spent last night together. He sent me a lovely message before work. I popped on Facebook and it was in my newsfeed he had been looking her photos in the night. I knew he couldn't sleep. But my heart sank. That horrible feeling you get when you can sense what's going on. He liked another holiday photo of her in a skimpy dress and then a selfie of her at home posing as you do.

So I decided to ask. I said it's ony newsfeed this morning you were liking "Sarah Smith's" photos in the night. He said he had known her years and asked if it was a problem as be was happy to delete her. I said no it's not a problem but just so we are clear If you have any interest in her based on looks and you are going to be checking her out I would appreciate you ending things with me first. Within seconds he said oh I've deleted her she's gone. I only want you.

He called me just now on his break and I said can we speak about this morning as you said you had known her years and deleted her so fast. Why did you react like that. He claimed he needs to go through his profile and have a clear out and she's one of them he might aswel delete as he doesn't speak to her.

This is absolute nonsense as she's new on his Facebook and he was checking her out in the night.

I'm feeling abit quiet today as I feel abit confused by his panic delete. As soon as I asked he was straight onto deleting her and telling me how much he's in love with me. I want to believe him. But one of the photos was from her profile 6 months ago so it wasn't a new one.

Not sure what I'm writing this for. Just hope someone can tell me how they would feel.

OP posts:
Dayafterday · 05/03/2021 13:39

You must have seen her profile.

Rachie1973 · 05/03/2021 13:40

You’re waaaaay too controlling. You need to deal with your own issues.

emilyfrost · 05/03/2021 13:40

He's shown me a women that's messages he's never opened and he blocked her. She made a second profile to contact him again. He showed me all that. He tells me all the time to ask if I don't know who someone is that he talks to online etc.

Why? Why would this even come up in conversation? Why would he need to tell you that? Confused

just so we are clear If you have any interest in her based on looks and you are going to be checking her out I would appreciate you ending things with me first.

You do realise he will find other women attractive, right? And that it’s perfectly normal and okay? Everyone is allowed to look at others; as long as they don’t act on it there is no issue.

You sound incredibly insecure and hard work.

emilyfrost · 05/03/2021 13:41

@gamerchick

I've got a real de ja vu here. I'm sure I've answered this thread before with 'how so you know he liked someone's profile picture?'
Same. It’s been posted before - the profile picture of the woman in the white dress.
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/03/2021 13:43

This relationship sounds unhealthy. He keeps reassuring you that you can just ask who people are etc? Either you’re paranoid and hard work, or if he comes out with that out of the blue he’s got something nagging on his mind.

I would be bolting from a relationship pretty damn quick if my other half started making a fuss about facebook, either mine or theirs.

Newmama29 · 05/03/2021 13:44

Facebook doesn’t notify you if someone on your friends list likes a picture, but it can pop up on your newsfeed that “so & so liked a picture”, unless her Facebook is extremely private & doesn’t allow for this.

OP, if you are so obsessed over what he is doing on social media, it’s time you delete it. You sound quite insecure & if a man was questioning a woman’s social media likes & friends then it would come across as controlling. It’s all very immature to be getting wound up over these type of interactions.

Norwaydidnthappen · 05/03/2021 13:44

Social media is toxic. You should be enjoying your new relationship, not fretting about what he’s looking at on facebook.

lilmishap · 05/03/2021 13:44

I noticed you liked that thing on FB?

Yeah Nah. Obsessive and creepy. You not him.

GirlLovesWorld · 05/03/2021 13:45

I'm just laughing at someone in their 40s being called an 'old fashioned gent'! Grin

lilmishap · 05/03/2021 13:48

Erm He doesn't speak to her makes sense if they only just connected on FB. Why are you OK with scrutinising his FB like that? It's really weird.

PolytheneHam · 05/03/2021 13:48

You police who he has as a friend on Facebook and checked out what pictures he's viewed? That doesn't sound very loving or trusting.

MRex · 05/03/2021 13:49

All this chat about who can trust who based on information about social media - no. Trust doesn't work like that. Either you trust someone to be exclusively with you, or you don't. Whether the issue is your insecurities or because he's a cheat doesn't make much odds, there's simply no point in a relationship spent looking over your shoulder and digging into someone's every "like" on Facebook. End this one, work out what you want and then find someone where you don't have to question what they're doing.

MizMoonshine · 05/03/2021 13:53

Follow that lead.
The way he's acted sounds alarm bells.
Message her and ask her how she knows him etc. Enact the girl code.

If he's being honest go forward trusting him.

If he's lying dump his arse.

GreenlandTheMovie · 05/03/2021 13:53

What a carry on. Men who are single in their mid forties and spend a lot of time on social media are very rarely "gents" but are usually players who are good at spinning lines to anyone innocent and young enough to believe them. You know he is lying to you, so why are you being so timid around him? Don't take him at face value. He has 12 years more life experience than you to get good at this sort of thing. And believe me, unmarried and in his mid forties, he will be very good at this sort of thing indeed.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2021 13:53

Yeah that’s kinda creepy op. Stalking his social media and then questioning him, telling him if he looked at another woman he has to end it with you. If a man posted this he’d get his arse handed to him.

What’s causing you to behave like this? Do you know?

Zaane · 05/03/2021 13:54

I disagree that fb doesn't update you on who liked whose photo or posted a comment. It very much does! I am on fb for local sales and swaps groups. But between the posts of items for sale, I always get newsfeed from my contacts' activities on fb.

Social media isn't my cup of tea but it works for some. I suppose OP is seeking advice about her bf checking out someone not looking for advice and opinion regarding social media.
I can see why OP is worried, her worries aren't baseless. I think he is in the wrong.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2021 13:55

@MizMoonshine

Follow that lead. The way he's acted sounds alarm bells. Message her and ask her how she knows him etc. Enact the girl code.

If he's being honest go forward trusting him.

If he's lying dump his arse.

Christ, if you do this I hope he dumps you’re stalkery arse. On what planet would this be normal or acceptable behaviour. Messaging someone on Facebook whose pic he liked snd asking how they know each other. So so creepy its making me shudder. If any man did this to me, he’d be out on his ear.
Pebbledashery · 05/03/2021 13:55

God if your relationship has reduced you to posting multiple threads on mumsnet with different spins.. What does that say. You both spend too much time on social media.. It's not a crime to like another picture if he's never given you any reason to believe him to be unfaithful.. Humans can find other humans attractive.. Doesn't mean you act on that.
And please don't insult our intelligence by saying fb notified you of him liking a photo when that's simply not true.

Viviennemary · 05/03/2021 13:55

You sound horribly jealous and insecure. Poor guy can't even go on his computer without you snooping and challenging him.

SoupDragon · 05/03/2021 13:57

Just hope someone can tell me how they would feel.

I think I know how I'd feel if I was your partner.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2021 13:57

God if your relationship has reduced you to posting multiple threads on mumsnet with different spins

Oh dear, is that the place you’re in op? Are you doing that.

JustHereWithPopcorn · 05/03/2021 13:58

How exactly could you tell he had been looking at her pics in the night? This isn't something that would come up on the newsfeed?

lucywho123 · 05/03/2021 13:58

Blimey - you sound unhinged OP. Liking someones photos - when you are not friends with them - would not come up on your timeline. So whats the real story?

MizMoonshine · 05/03/2021 14:01

@Bluntness100

How is it creepy? He has lied to her. He said she's someone who's been on his FB for ages and needs clearing off... But he had added her the weekend before.

She's not getting the truth out of him. So you ask her.

She can then confront him with the truth and decide how she wants to go forward.

Why are people so against taking control of a situation? She's satisfied with something, this is how to get satisfaction. Otherwise she can continue with him continually doubting him or leave him and doubt her decision.