Parents who have home schooled throughout all this have had it much easier

[LifeIsaShitShow]

Compared to parents of children who have special needs and do this day in day out not just in a pandemic. Now this is just my opinion but before I’m flamed just wait as it comes from me, a parent who has a child with Sen who has been completely failed by the education system/ school/ the local authority, a parent who has had their dc in and out of school for the last six years, on reduced timetables, excluded, sent to schools miles away out of borough with no support what so ever.

My ds is 11 next month and he is currently at a specialist school. By the age of 9 he had been to 3 schools, not including nursery where he was, at age 3, only allowed to attend for 1 hour a a day, and was also “asked” to leave wrap around club which meant I had to leave work as I had no childcare for him which was essential for me to do my job. He was excluded (by the back door eg managed moved forced on us) from his first school age 5 after spending most of reception on a reduced timetable and being sent home every couple of weeks. No school in borough could/would take him due to his complex needs/spaces available in school, so he ended up at a school in the next borough meaning I had to drive approximately 150 miles a week to get him there. I was that drained mentally that I didn’t even think to ask the local authority about parental mileage, which I later found out I was entitled to (and owed thousands by the time my ds left this school) and they didn’t tell me of course so I cracked on taking him to school.

After the first 9-10 months things started to go downhill and my ds was put on a reduced timetable again and I was expected do work with him at home in the afternoons which I did for about a year. This was horrendous as he would have huge meltdowns over doing it but his teacher would phone me if he didn’t do it and make a big deal about it.

The LA had meetings behind my back with the school and one day I went in and was told my son couldn’t go back after half term and they had found a specialist school for him. This school was completely unsuitable, they wanted him to go to a school for kids who (solely) had behaviour problems. My son is autistic and needed a small specialist setting with children similar to him and staff who were trained in supporting dc with autism. I refused to send him and ended up home schooling him for six months and had to go to a tribunal appeal, spend money I didn’t have, pay for independent reports which I had to use my credit card for and I’m now in debt. Whilst at the same time trying to provide my ds with some form of education. I was mentally physically and emotionally drained but eventually I got my ds into the school we so desperately wanted. He only started a year ago is now year six and I am faced with the sobering fact that my ds has more or less missed out on his entire primary education. It’s time we will never get back and despite the fact that he is very able in some ways, I very much doubt he will ever meet his potential due to all that he has been through.

Whilst I don’t doubt that home schooling has been hard for some parents, and I do get it,
I also find it hard to feel that much empathy for some people in particular who have the time, energy, money, resources to put into home schooling their kids yet do nothing
but moan. They really have no clue what it’s like to do this all the time and with a child who has Sen. Whilst I wouldn’t change my ds as he’s amazing, I can only
Imagine what it would be like to be able home school a neuro typical child who doesn’t face the challenges my ds does. Compared to what I deal with on a filet basis I honestly think it would be a walk in the park. So maybe on reflection people who are in the fortunate position to be able to spend extra time with their kids who are more able and who’s kids are happy to spend more time with them, maybe just see how lucky you are

As a parent of a child with sen. I really get you it's hard to hear people complaining about how hard it is when their NT child is struggling.
But, I have to have a little chat to myself that everyone's issues are valid and that there is no good comparing my situation to theirs as it is just different. I hear you op it sounds as if you have been through a lot, as well as your ds

It isn't a competition, some people have been homeschooling children with dyslexia and other things that might not be as severe as your sons but still challenging while working full time or combatting their own issues. My grandma had 5 children, her youngest was severely disabled and I imagine that was difficult but she never belittled what other people did.

I feel for you, but it's not a race to the bottom. Most people are dealing with more than just 'homeschooling their nt kids' - many are expected to also hold down demanding full time jobs, many are experiencing anxiety and depression (some for the first time!) during the pandemic, some are living with dv, serious illness or the breakdown of their relationships.

I totally understand that you're finding it hard and I genuinely hope that your son's educational needs are met soon, but you don't know what others are also going through behind closed doors.

Its not a race to the bottom. I have two sen children and get how miserable it is but I've also seen the very real impact on non-sen children too. I think its just shit all round

Yeah I get what you’re saying. I have an older teenage dc too and he gets on with his work himself and is surprisingly very motivated despite what him and the rest of the nations kids have had to put up with. So I openly admit it’s easy with him. But if this had happened 10 years ago when he was little I genuinely don’t think I’d have found it that difficult. I know everyone’s circumstances are different but my post is mainly referring to parents who have every advantage at their disposal yet still moan how hard home schooling is.

Why are you trying to make it a competition? It's not. I think the two situations are totally incomparable

Go on then, you win.

It impacts everyone, but I agree you’ve had it harder.

Some poor children have had it very much harder again, by being stuck in abusive households. My heart goes out to them as their plight will probably never be known.

It's not a competition. I'm sorry it's hard for you. As someone with 1 child with sen and another nt, my experience has been far far more challenging with my nt child. She has developed acute depression throughout this. My sen child has fared far far better overall because it's not that far removed from her norm. I moan far far more about nt dds home education because it is harder for me.

It sounds like you’ve really been through the mill. SEN kids are so often failed and it’s disgusting.
My children are NT but I admit I have found homeschooling hard, as I have been trying to do my demanding full time job at the same time. I am also in an area where nurseries have closed so I have my toddler at home too. It has been tough, like it has been for many.
Whenever we moan about things, it’s usually in the knowledge that other people have things worse. That doesn’t invalidate peoples feelings though.

It’s not a race to the bottom, a terrible and underfunded (cruel) system has failed you.
I am so sympathetic to your situation. There’s no need to be a dick about my NT child!

I hear you, OP.
My DS has had almost the exact same experience as your child. He’s older now (16) and homeschooling over the pandemic period actually suits him fairly well now and he is pretty low maintenance, but that wasn’t the case for most of his childhood.

I didn’t homeschool him officially or out of choice, but there were periods of many months over the years where he was either awaiting placement or refusing to go to school, and it was incredibly stressful. It’s very hard for those who don’t have children with complex needs to understand.

Sending you and massive respect. It’s not easy.

What you have to contend with is, obviously, much harder. And you have my sympathies.

And there are people who have it much harder than you. How much time do you devote to concern for them?

But trying to juggle work and homeschool is difficult and stressful. Not as stressful as your life, but stressful. Others are allowed to voice their experience. Everyone is different. However if you were my friend I most definitely would not talk about my difficulties and expect sympathy! Do you have friends who do that or are you speaking more generally?

But I can hear the frustration and helplessness in your post and send you and

And it’s also been hard having my usually happy, cheerful children sobbing that they miss their friends and losing all of their motivation and spark. Even though others are in far worse positions, it doesn’t mean I can switch off caring when my kids are unhappy.

I have a child with ASD and we have been through hell with schools. I also have an NT child in year 6 who really misses school and I feel really guilty for leaving her to it while we work. Both are difficult situations.

Good luck with your son. I refused to give up work and home ed because my daughter loves school for the social side. My daughter ended up in behavioural school as there is no where else for ASD without learning disability here. She did a year there which was good from a therapeutic point of view. After a fight with the LEA we got her back in mainstream for year 7. Now year 8 she is doing well with a lot of support. I really appreciate his tough it is OP.

I didn’t mean to imply it’s a completion ot a race to the bottom. I find that idea a bit odd if I’m being honest. I get what you’re saying about anxiety as I take medication for this and have suffered with it for a few years now. I know it’s not as simple as homeschooling for a lot of parents. But for some parents it is. Some, like a family member of mine, are fortunate enough to have a partner on a good wage meaning they don’t need to work, have help in terms of family (despite social distancing not allowing this) have the resources and time to really put the work in with their dc yet all they do is moan. It’s these people that I find infuriating.

It sounds like you've had a tough time op. I have a child with sn myself and another also looking like he will receive a diagnosis, but this is not a competition, there is no need to compare to others.

It's not a competition. I should imagine that having a child with SEN makes most aspecta of life harder all the time, but that doesn't mean parents of children with no SEN are not allowed to find the pandemic or homeschooling hard. That's a very odd opinion. Am I not allowed to ever say I feel hungry because some people in the world are starving?

Mostly I agree, it's really impossible as a parent of NT kids to know what it's like parenting a child with severe or even moderate SEN.

You do make your comparison a bit extreme though, as most NT children have NOT been 100% happy homeschooling. The idea that we are all happily doing the work set and enjoying a beautiful bonding opportunity is idealistic, at best. Sure, overall we have had it comparatively easy - having kids with SEN is obviously usually harder work than having kids without. Some kids with SEN have been classed as vulnerable and allowed to return to the classroom, haven't they? So as usual it is a very mixed picture.

But on the whole, absolutely I'm sure you are right and I take my hat off to you for coping with everything both pre- and during covid.

I agree with everything you've said. So many parents of SEN kids have been in the position that everyone is in now except it is never ending.

There's always someone who suffers more. I know parents whose son missed out on a lot of school because he battled cancer on and off for ten years before he died. Their daughter also had bad grades but they just don't give a fuck because she is alive and healthy and will be able to do some minimum wage job and have an actual life.

People always think that their life is harder than others. It seldom really is. Life just is hard at times for everyone and this is just your hard time.

I feel for you and other parents with children with SEN and can’t imagine what you go through on a daily basis let alone trying to homeschool during a pandemic and the challenges that may be amplified.

However, everyone’s situation is relative to what they are experiencing/have experienced and this really should not be a competition to see who’s has the most awful time. My NT 6yo has demonstrated some terrible behaviour and emotional distress in both lockdowns, to the degree that we’ve had to get the school and SENCO involved, but I don’t for one minute think we’ve had it worse than anyone else.

for you.

I hear what you say and i'm really really sorry you had to give up your career but do you really think that those of us whose children are normally in school should give up our careers too just to get through this year / two years? and if not, do you know how hard it is to try to work and 'teach' a 7yr old simultaneously? I feel like i've actually lost the ability to think from burning my brain out trying to hold two different trains of thought at all times.

I know quite a few homeducators and they all make extensive use of external groups and trips and provisions. I appreciate your child might not be able to and again i do have a huge amount of sympathy for you but I don't think that basically telling the rest of us we're wimps who shouldn't have found this hard is helpful.

OP do you realise that most people are working full-time whilst also expected to teach the national curriculum to their kids? Not to mention all the other stuff they have to do when kids are at home full-time. Meal planning and cooking is just one. And at a time when the economy has completely tanked and the threat of redundancy is ongoing and real. So parents are not able to reduce their workload. Your challenges don’t diminish their challenges. It’s shit for everyone.