Parents who have home schooled throughout all this have had it much easier

[LifeIsaShitShow]

Compared to parents of children who have special needs and do this day in day out not just in a pandemic. Now this is just my opinion but before I’m flamed just wait as it comes from me, a parent who has a child with Sen who has been completely failed by the education system/ school/ the local authority, a parent who has had their dc in and out of school for the last six years, on reduced timetables, excluded, sent to schools miles away out of borough with no support what so ever.

My ds is 11 next month and he is currently at a specialist school. By the age of 9 he had been to 3 schools, not including nursery where he was, at age 3, only allowed to attend for 1 hour a a day, and was also “asked” to leave wrap around club which meant I had to leave work as I had no childcare for him which was essential for me to do my job. He was excluded (by the back door eg managed moved forced on us) from his first school age 5 after spending most of reception on a reduced timetable and being sent home every couple of weeks. No school in borough could/would take him due to his complex needs/spaces available in school, so he ended up at a school in the next borough meaning I had to drive approximately 150 miles a week to get him there. I was that drained mentally that I didn’t even think to ask the local authority about parental mileage, which I later found out I was entitled to (and owed thousands by the time my ds left this school) and they didn’t tell me of course so I cracked on taking him to school.

After the first 9-10 months things started to go downhill and my ds was put on a reduced timetable again and I was expected do work with him at home in the afternoons which I did for about a year. This was horrendous as he would have huge meltdowns over doing it but his teacher would phone me if he didn’t do it and make a big deal about it.

The LA had meetings behind my back with the school and one day I went in and was told my son couldn’t go back after half term and they had found a specialist school for him. This school was completely unsuitable, they wanted him to go to a school for kids who (solely) had behaviour problems. My son is autistic and needed a small specialist setting with children similar to him and staff who were trained in supporting dc with autism. I refused to send him and ended up home schooling him for six months and had to go to a tribunal appeal, spend money I didn’t have, pay for independent reports which I had to use my credit card for and I’m now in debt. Whilst at the same time trying to provide my ds with some form of education. I was mentally physically and emotionally drained but eventually I got my ds into the school we so desperately wanted. He only started a year ago is now year six and I am faced with the sobering fact that my ds has more or less missed out on his entire primary education. It’s time we will never get back and despite the fact that he is very able in some ways, I very much doubt he will ever meet his potential due to all that he has been through.

Whilst I don’t doubt that home schooling has been hard for some parents, and I do get it,
I also find it hard to feel that much empathy for some people in particular who have the time, energy, money, resources to put into home schooling their kids yet do nothing
but moan. They really have no clue what it’s like to do this all the time and with a child who has Sen. Whilst I wouldn’t change my ds as he’s amazing, I can only
Imagine what it would be like to be able home school a neuro typical child who doesn’t face the challenges my ds does. Compared to what I deal with on a filet basis I honestly think it would be a walk in the park. So maybe on reflection people who are in the fortunate position to be able to spend extra time with their kids who are more able and who’s kids are happy to spend more time with them, maybe just see how lucky you are

I think the point that the OP is trying to make (correct me if I'm wrong) is that for the vast majority of parents, the last year has been a temporary shitshow. There is no denying it has been intolerable and there is no competition or race to the bottom.
But spare a thought for those parents who have had to deal with their children being in and out of school/home educated for their entire school life. This is not a choice and means that many SEN parents have had to give up careers in order to facilitate this.

As others have said it's not a competition
My severely autistic son ,s special school has been closed to most since Xmas and was also closed from march to September last year , every child in that school is vulnerable and every child has an EHCP.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I hear you but it won’t go down well.
I absolutely was raged when they stated children with sen were allowed their school places during the lockdowns.
Wait what for years they have been failed, years underfunded with a lack of support. Months and months of school and then you turn around and make out to the nation you are prioritising then because school is important to them only during the pandemic ??

@janlevinson

I think the point that the OP is trying to make (correct me if I'm wrong) is that for the vast majority of parents, the last year has been a temporary shitshow. There is no denying it has been intolerable and there is no competition or race to the bottom. But spare a thought for those parents who have had to deal with their children being in and out of school/home educated for their entire school life. This is not a choice and means that many SEN parents have had to give up careers in order to facilitate this.

This is absolutely it.

I’ve only managed to keep working throughout my DS’s childhood because I work TTO, have very understanding and flexible employers and my DH is self employed and works from home. And even then, it’s nearly broken me at times.

In my circle of ‘autism mum friends’, very few worked through their children’s education years. Home schooling or dealing with constant exclusions, reduced timetables, changes of placement etc meant it just wasn’t possible.

I was absolutely enraged when they made out that all children with an EHCP could access school @Organisedchaos2022 because that just isn't the case in many special school,s

The situation is comparable because families with NT kids have been thrust in to a world where their kid can't be educated in school and families have been forced in to making all sorts of sacrifices to keep the wheels turning and a roof over their heads. Pretty close to my experience of having a SN child but shorter in length (I hope).

I think saying it's not a competition is an good way of not engaging in the issues presented to families of SN kids. The system works hard to make it as complicated as possible. There isn't sufficient funding for SN schools so kids have to compete and wait long times for places. Support in mainstream schools has been hit by reduced funding and therefore fewer trained staff which leads to kids needing to leave mainstream and attend SN schools where there aren't sufficient places and on and on. Getting legal advice is hard and expensive and so bloody time consuming - i do t think people can really imagine having to force your council to provide a suitable place for your child.

That said until we had a SN child I had no idea quite how shit things can be.

You have not had to homeschool and also work full time for an employer. Not everyone has a safe public sector job.

You have no idea how hard that is, w clearly no compassion

I really am sorry for how hard you have it, but it’s not a competition. It just isn’t. Parents can legitimately find homeschooling a massive challenge without invalidating your experience.

It sounds hard but your issue is with the system. The moment you start pointing a finger at someone to tell them their life is easy and not as hard as yours, you loose support and sympathy. Many children are experiencing mental health issues and loneliness. How do you know that Covid has not negatively impacted the future for these children and families?

I think saying it's not a competition is an good way of not engaging in the issues presented to families of SN kids

Coming here posting that you have it far worse and sneering at people finding it difficult is hardly the way to engage with the issues either, is it?

There are people with SN kids and other kids and jobs and elderly parents and other responsibilities etc etc, there's no monopoly on people finding it hard. No, we haven't had it much easier, actually.

I understand why you would feel like this, particularly as the system has cheated children like yours for years. I can also understand why it must stick in the craw to hear people complaining about something from a position of relative security.

I think the mistake you may be making is lumping "parents who have had to home school" into one homogenous mass.

Homeschooling can be anything from relatively manageable (if you have one parent on a good wage and another at home) to an absolute fucking shit show. I'm in the latter camp: I'm a single parent and my employer has cut me no slack at all. I'm lucky in that my child doesn't have additional needs, but that hasn't stopped it being almost unmanageable and its had a very bad effect on both of our mental health.

The broader point to emerge from this is that the state is failing children who for a variety of reasons don't fit smoothly into the standard education system. This includes SEN children of course as you will know, but also children whose parents don't live together, children who have two parents working out of home and also to some extent just down to the postcode lottery of different schools and their relative levels of competence in supporting parents.

So I would suggest you are right to be angry. But instead of directing this at parents who have had a wake-up call through COVID to the realities of what your life is like (through no fault of their own), direct it to the government which is not adequately catering to the needs of any of these kids.

@DontTouchMyHairISwear you quoted my post - where was I sneering?

I understand your points . But as someone else has pointed out you are lumping everyone together. I've had to live teach with my own child sitting next to me. She's pretty much been ignored as a teach but there have been numerous occasions where I've had to mute my mic, turn my camera off to stop her having a melt down over her work. We have all had a shit time.

Ooh, a competition! How dare you moan given what people are going though in Yemen?! Am I doing this right?

These things are relative OP. I used to look after a 12yo child who had a very severe case of rett’s syndrome and needed round the clock care (including nappies, spoon feeding etc). She couldn’t communicate and was completely dependent on active engagement from her caregivers at all times. She couldn’t have attended a mainstream school under any circumstances or with any adjustments. I expect her parents would look at your situation and think you have it comparatively easy.

Does that mean your situation feels easy to you? Of course not! Just because someone has it harder than you doesn’t mean your life doesn’t feel hard.

I have a lot of empathy for your situation, and for parents who have been homeschooling. All of it is hard. All of it is admirable.

I hear you too op (autistic dd here). It doesn't mean other people aren't allowed to find things difficult though.

I would never deny that it's easier homeschooling neurotypical children than having children with additional needs.

I'm sorry, but I have still needed an outlet for my frustration at times. I wouldn't speak to parents of SEN about this, as that would be monumentally tone deaf. Like when my kids drive me mad, I wouldn't complain to the friend who has had nothing but miscarriages. But I would complain somewhere.

I'm sorry to hear of everything you have had to go through, it sounds hellish. I hope you can get the support you and your family need.

I wonder if it is your LA that is partly or mainly the issue.

So it’s a competition?

Because you feel hard done by everyone else either has to too or say nothing?

You sound like a charm!

At least your child is alive.

At least you can feed and clothe him.

At least your home hasn’t been destroyed by a natural disaster.

Come on! This place has great support but to come on sneering at parents who are struggling because YOU’VE deemed their situations not hard enough is out of order.

You have it worse than some. Some have it worse than you.

Everyone is dealing with shit and you have no right to tell people they’re not struggling.

My eldest has SEN. I know I’ve had it hard. It’s been hell. I wouldn’t dare compare my experience to parents of neurotypical children though. You have no idea what they’ve been going through either! Maybe they’ve faced unemployment, bereavement or depression? Maybe they’ve also had to work from home while home educating at the same time. I’ve faced very similar challenges to you OP but I also empathise with parents of ‘normal’ kids because I’ve also got ‘normal’ kids and they are sometimes just as challenging in their own way.

That sounds unbearably tough OP, and I agree it does put my struggle to homeschool DS during the pandemic into perspective.

I'm not even a parent, but I'm glad that the parents I employ don't see it as one upmanship over who is having the hardest time.

(they, for example, see their parents daily during childcare bubble handovers, whilst I haven't seen mine for months)

Yup I hear you two sen kids at home one I literally cannot educate the other is online schooling via computer its been a fucking struggle and people wonder why i haven't finished decorating my house yet loads of children with learner of the week awards (seriously why do they need to keep this shit up) star of the fucking week parents of 7 year old so proud there child is finally reading Harry Potter mine can't even tell you 26 letters of the alphabet and he is 8

I've never felt so utterly fucking useless as a parent