Parents who have home schooled throughout all this have had it much easier

[LifeIsaShitShow]

Compared to parents of children who have special needs and do this day in day out not just in a pandemic. Now this is just my opinion but before I’m flamed just wait as it comes from me, a parent who has a child with Sen who has been completely failed by the education system/ school/ the local authority, a parent who has had their dc in and out of school for the last six years, on reduced timetables, excluded, sent to schools miles away out of borough with no support what so ever.

My ds is 11 next month and he is currently at a specialist school. By the age of 9 he had been to 3 schools, not including nursery where he was, at age 3, only allowed to attend for 1 hour a a day, and was also “asked” to leave wrap around club which meant I had to leave work as I had no childcare for him which was essential for me to do my job. He was excluded (by the back door eg managed moved forced on us) from his first school age 5 after spending most of reception on a reduced timetable and being sent home every couple of weeks. No school in borough could/would take him due to his complex needs/spaces available in school, so he ended up at a school in the next borough meaning I had to drive approximately 150 miles a week to get him there. I was that drained mentally that I didn’t even think to ask the local authority about parental mileage, which I later found out I was entitled to (and owed thousands by the time my ds left this school) and they didn’t tell me of course so I cracked on taking him to school.

After the first 9-10 months things started to go downhill and my ds was put on a reduced timetable again and I was expected do work with him at home in the afternoons which I did for about a year. This was horrendous as he would have huge meltdowns over doing it but his teacher would phone me if he didn’t do it and make a big deal about it.

The LA had meetings behind my back with the school and one day I went in and was told my son couldn’t go back after half term and they had found a specialist school for him. This school was completely unsuitable, they wanted him to go to a school for kids who (solely) had behaviour problems. My son is autistic and needed a small specialist setting with children similar to him and staff who were trained in supporting dc with autism. I refused to send him and ended up home schooling him for six months and had to go to a tribunal appeal, spend money I didn’t have, pay for independent reports which I had to use my credit card for and I’m now in debt. Whilst at the same time trying to provide my ds with some form of education. I was mentally physically and emotionally drained but eventually I got my ds into the school we so desperately wanted. He only started a year ago is now year six and I am faced with the sobering fact that my ds has more or less missed out on his entire primary education. It’s time we will never get back and despite the fact that he is very able in some ways, I very much doubt he will ever meet his potential due to all that he has been through.

Whilst I don’t doubt that home schooling has been hard for some parents, and I do get it,
I also find it hard to feel that much empathy for some people in particular who have the time, energy, money, resources to put into home schooling their kids yet do nothing
but moan. They really have no clue what it’s like to do this all the time and with a child who has Sen. Whilst I wouldn’t change my ds as he’s amazing, I can only
Imagine what it would be like to be able home school a neuro typical child who doesn’t face the challenges my ds does. Compared to what I deal with on a filet basis I honestly think it would be a walk in the park. So maybe on reflection people who are in the fortunate position to be able to spend extra time with their kids who are more able and who’s kids are happy to spend more time with them, maybe just see how lucky you are

I think the way you have worded your post has got people’s backs up. Everyone has their own set of problems and worries which, of course, to them are all encompassing.
I do understand where you are coming from OP, my SN son is in his 20s now and I had to fight every step of the way throughout his education.
What I came to realise is you can’t rely on LAs etc for information, it’s up to you as the parent to research and find out by yourself. You are your child’s advocate, that’s just part of parenting generally, and whilst it certainly sounds like you’ve had a tough time it’s up to you to continue fighting for him.

Your son has been at school for the past year during a pandemic and you’re making judgements about others having it easier. It sounds like you’re projecting on others because of your experiences. How about stop judging others and trying to invalidate other peoples situations and focus on yourself.

I feel huge sympathy for anyone homeschooling children with SEN, whether during a pandemic or not. I dont like the insinuation though that my life's been better/easier than yours though simply because my children dont have SEN. I'm a single parent, I have my children 100% of the time and have a full time job working from home currently. I can be flexible with hours - which basically means I start early and finish late. I have three school aged children who are all in different year groups across two schools.

It isn't a race to the bottom and I'm going to hope this wasn't how you meant to come across but personally I dont really feel that grateful for this "extra time" I've been able to spend with my kids, because I cant give them the education that they deserve while I am trying to keep a roof over our heads. My firms already done two rounds of redundancy and I'd like to avoid me being in the next one. Everyone is suffering through Covid - just in many different ways.

Although I do have a friend and colleague who's about to be signed off by her GP this afternoon as he's adamant she needs a rest from the same full time job that I have before she collapses through sheer exhaustion and mental stress. Working full time from home plus she's homeschooling two children and one does have SEN. She's definitely worse off than me.

@Theunamedcat be kind to yourself! I’m sure you’re doing great. One of my kids has significant SEN. The other two are both dyslexic. I’ve done what I can but I’m not trained to teach children, never mind children with SEN and I’m guessing you aren’t either. My DD, also 8, was given the good fellowship award last term for being an all round lovely person! TBH that made me prouder than any academic award would have. As long as your boy is loved and happy, who gives a shit about the alphabet? He’ll get there eventually 💐

My nt child has struggled and changed personality wise much more than my sen child with lockdown. However I have been on the receiving end of the LA when I moved my DD from mainstream to secondary so I know how awful it can be. We got our place but not without a long drawn out fight so I do empathise

Op sounds like you’ve had a really rough time, it’s good your son is finally in a school that he can learn in and develop and you have done amazing fighting for him and you’ve been through a lot! I understand why you feel the way you do. However I think you’re thinking about yourself here and not taking on board that others struggle too,

People are working full time, they don’t have the capacity to teach kids - we are not teachers. I am dyslexic so struggle to teach my kids and I get confused and they get confused so it can end up being somewhat stressful tbh. My youngest as additional needs so he’s been a bloody nightmare at home. Routines out the window, he’s not sleeping, his behaviour is horrendous he’s soiling/wetting I’m at the end of my tether. Our schools don’t go back yet either so more stress and upset and I’ve recently been diagnosed with a debilitating chronic illness. It’s been tough. I think we all need to give each other a break here, everyone is finding it hard. For all sorts of different reasons. And instead of making it a competition or my life is harder than yours type situation we need a little empathy for the parents struggling and finding life tough. It’s not all about me. It’s not all about you.

I hope things improve for us all, kids need to go back to school soon. My 10 year old is utterly miserable, he’s a sociable happy boy but he’s a shadow of himself, my sen 9 year old needs structure and routine that school can give so j can enjoy my son again instead of battles all day every day.

I can see how the outrage about the schools being closed could get wearing. People complaining about how unfair it is that their kids can't go to school when you (and thousands of other families) have children who have been effectively refused the education they should be entitled to and so have been living this for years.

I imagine that would be doubly galling from someone who knew the difficulty you had had accessing schooling for your son to be moaning to you about it as soon as it becomes a problem for them!

We home educate by choice, so I know a lot of families that have been completely abandoned by the education system and have spent years fighting to access help for their kids - it would be nice if the pandemic highlighted the fact that this is the reality for a lot of families.

I also find it hard to feel that much empathy for some people in particular who have the time, energy, money, resources to put into home schooling their kids yet do nothing but moan

My feeling is that there are very few families in this position. Most people I know have been trying to homeschool on top of their own full time jobs and that’s been understandably very difficult for them.

It’s a separate issue to the challenges you face with your own child.

Meh

It’s not a competition

I had to write off working because of my sons ASD

Everybody’s had it hard ya know?

It doesn’t annoy me in the same way it does you OP but I do understand to a degree what you are saying.

The bit which annoys me is the outrage about the children being off for all these months but then SN kids it’s perfectly acceptable for it to happen too. Ds was part time for almost 3 years totally against my wishes, no one gave a shit, not even the local authority i repeatedly complained to, only when I threatened legal action did they make things happen and it took a long fucking time of me harassing them. He’s missed out on so much more education than they’ve lost during the lockdowns and doubtful he’ll ever catch it up with learning difficulties. Anyway I don’t blame any other parent for that, more like the people in power.

It sounds quite similar to your situation too in that ds has to go to a special school out of borough in September, I’ve previously had to give up work etc etc.

Anyway, I think everyone finds aspects of there own lives difficult. My friend moans her arse off (her kids take care of thereself now which I wish I could swap that with her and regularly remind her she’s lucky with that and could honestly shake her sometimes when she moans about bad behaviour when in comparison to my ds they are absolute angels) but then she works 6 night shifts in a row so she’s got it harder in that respect than me and her house is damp and falling to bits mine isn’t, her cars unreliable mine isn’t etc etc so I try be greatful for what I have rather than what I don’t and realise everyone has there own shit going on.

I hope your son settles into his special school and gets the support he needs soon x

I have two children with SEN, one who attends a special school and one who is home educated. I also work full time as does DH.

The difference I see, between our situation and that of other families whose children will be returning to school on 8th is that we have got used to shaping our lives around having a child at home all the time and in taking a very hands on role in their education.

Parents who have found lockdown home school hard, I totally get it. I remember when I was thrust into home educating my eldest years ago, because she had been through three schools and none could meet her need, we were left utterly alone and had to manage everything, on top of work. It was a VERY hard six months until I changed how I worked to accommodate our new situation.

It is, of course, still hard, but not in the same way. It's planned, not chaotic, and we aren't still holding on to the hope of school, so we've changed our perspective.

It sounds like you are having a hard time, but that doesn't negate someone else's experience that homeschooling was hard for them.

The pandemic was hard on everyone.

I came off maternity early to work in emergency geriatrics. I didn't feel the need to start a thread saying that doctors in rehab gerries had it so much easier, and I've yet to see a thread from an ITU doctor saying those on EC gerries have got the easy ride.

Your situation sounds hard, but it's unkind to make your thread about how other people are wrong to feel their situation was tough because yours was harder. You wouldn't tell someone who'd broken an arm not to moan because you once broke a leg.

@daisyjgrey

Comparison is the thief of joy.

That really doesn’t mean what you think. Unless you think OP’s life sounds joyful from what she describes.

I think that most parents of SEN DC know that most parents of NT DC don't really get it and accept that (unless parents of NT DC are judgemental and assume SN can be fixed by firm parenting).

The practicalities of forced homeschooling when you have other DC, a job and your family rely on your income is hard to cope with. Worse if there is no end in sight, things may never return to 'normal' and qualified teaching staff have passed all responsibility onto you, if your DC has challenging behaviour etc.

But in addition to all that day to day stress is the additional stress of engagement with the SEND system. My son managed less than 5 terms in 5 years. Nobody in a position of power and responsibility considered this to be an issue. Lost learning was not considered to be an issue. Impact on mental health was not considered to be an issue.

The SEND system is adversarial. It is shocking that the LA/school won't provide resources to support need but instead will use public resources to deny any need to do so. Forcing parent advocates to pay for private reports, go to Tribunal hearing etc. I was 'lucky' that failure was so extreme that SOS!SEN started JR proceedings.

Now that the pandemic has underlined how important to children's learning and mental health being in school is, you might expect that these lessons leant will change the way that the SEND system works. No more refusing to support. No more refusing to assess. No more part time timetables. No more off rolling. Social and psychological support etc. No more forcing parents to tribunal to get courts to order assessment/EHCPs/placement that the evidence shows the child needs.

Part of the ideological 'war' has always been lack of support and understanding from NT parents being willing to believe that parents of SEN kids are really to blame, unreasonable, exaggerating etc.

Other parents aren't the problem and SEN parents don't want others to suffer what they have or minimise the suffering of others. They just want their DC to matter, their socialisation, learning and mental health to matter. Their relationships with peers, siblings and parents to matter. For parents (especially mothers) to be able to work outside the home if they want to and not forced into being an unpaid carer, teacher/TA.

So I don't think the OP was saying you don't matter or you don't matter as much. Just asking why DC with SEN don't seem to matter as much when we compare educational disruption due to SEN and pandemic.

It is very understandable that you feel angry and fed up OP but telling people to count their blessings isn't likely to produce the empathetic response you are hoping for.
I am doubtful if you were told that you had no idea how lucky you were because you weren't trying to teach your dc in Yemen your first response would be "you are right I'm so lucky actually "
Because being told that would dismiss the real struggles you have in your life.
Likewise dismissing other people's struggles isn't going to help them accept yours.

I'm sorry you have had such a hard time and have been failed by the education system. But I'm afraid that is no excuse for describing other people's legitimate difficulties as 'moaning', especially as you only in a later post decided to say it's only people complaining in easy situations who annoy you. I'm sure all the single parents trying to wfh full time and home-school young children with inadequate space or tech have very good reason to 'moan'.

So I don't think the OP was saying you don't matter or you don't matter as much. Just asking why DC with SEN don't seem to matter as much when we compare educational disruption due to SEN and pandemic.

Matter to whom, though?

The impact of the pandemic on my family is my experience. I’m living it. I’m dealing with the financial, emotional, and practical impact on my family.

Objectively, I would like to see an improvement in the education system for SEN.

But of course I don’t feel the same impact.

I still don’t fully understand the OP’s point of it’s not “stop moaning because I have it harder.”

I'm sorry OP that you're being failed by the system so badly and you're having a tough time.

I don't think it's purely the homeschool that everyone is finding so tough though, I think it's homeschooling during a lockdown when the children can't go out to do any activities or see friends, it's a hard environment for them because it is a such a huge change from their normal lives. So not only are parents contending with homeschool they are also coping with children who have had their worlds turned upside down.

It's not a competition. We should be trying to do the best for every child.

I take the view that life isn't a competition and we each have our own set of challenges. Lots of people have really struggled during this pandemic and i am not going to belittle that because some have had awful things to deal with.

However, I agree the SEND education system is in crisis and many children are let down on a hugely significant scale and when your child is a victim of it, it is very hard not to become a bit bitter. Hearing reports that 'all children will return to school FT from the 8th' or 'last day of home school' for instance do sting as its not true for us. I try and focus my bitterness on the government though not on people who i imagine might have it easier. I spend a lot of time campaigning, meeting MPs and so on to try and improve the system for SEN for other children so they don't have to go through what we have gone through.

I really feel for you.

If I brutally honest, and I hope this doesn't offend you or any other Sen parent with similar challenges, but this is a big worry of mine while having children.

I find being a mum hard as it is to two neurotypical children, I truly can't imagine how hard it is being a parent to a child with very high needs. It must be so very draining.

The education system often fails those in need of extra support. I've heard of lots of stories of inadequate provisions and parents having to fight tooth and nail for the very basic of provision.

I hope you're ok and have some support yourself. You're right that many parents don't have the same level of difficulty raising kids. It's hard when in the moment not to take it for granted.

All the best.

I have Asd, ALN and NT children. It's all relevant to the individual. My NT has been much harder to deal with through lockdown.

It sounds like your son has been completely let down by the education system and that is really what you are understandably angry and bitter about. You've struggled on and on, on your own, for years and so people having their NT kids WFH and moaning about it is the straw that's broken the camel's back.
Try to concentrate instead on the fact he is now in the school he needs to be in and deserves to be in, and you did that. You fought and fought and fought for him, so he is way ahead of a lot of kids in that he has an amazing mother who will make sure he does alright, whether that's by teaching him at home, giving up her job, using money she doesn't have, all to make sure he gets what he deserves.

Don't compare your situation to others, just concentrate on you and your son and keep doing what you're doing (but relax a bit because you've done it, you've won) xxx

@OhCaptain matter to those in power and control of the education system. Not matter in a subjective sense to other parents who are powerless to effect meaningful change.

There are DC without school placement for months and years and no one with responsibility for right to education or statutory duty to enact EHCP cares until a tribunal court orders that they meet their duties. There is no comeback in terms of sanctions and parents can't recoup costs.

Loss of learning, socialisation and mental health are only ever considered significant in a court room if DC have SEN and I doubt this will change.

I can’t bear another ‘had it harder’ thread
I’m not in any way denying you have had a hard time , and I’m sorry you have
But so have a lot of people
So just stop 🛑
Please
And I gave up before half term
Totally quit
I literally can’t even muster energy to walk to the shops anymore