How to deal with a difficult wedding guest?

[AliceWonderland88]

Hi Mumnetters,

My Fiance and I are due to get married this year and there is a specific guest that I am worried about. I am not a hateful person in the slightest but I do choose not to have certain people in my life and my Fiance's brother's wife is one of them. She spits nothing but hateful remarks and has the ability to ruin everyone's day wherever she goes. I have only seen her a number of times and she has managed to bring me to tears every time. I honestly do not want her to come but if she doesn't come she will stop his whole family from coming. How do I cope with her on the day? I want to enjoy it but she is determined to spoil it already. What should I do? Any advice would be very much appreciated

Congratulations 🎊. Its good that you have your friends by your side. I think if your SIL is being mean to the point bringing you to tears then this needs to be addressed. Op silence sometimes gives people the liberty to treat us whichever way they like. I don't expect you to go full blazing on your SIL on your special day however I think you should slowly start dealing with her.

1. Whenever she passes nasty remarks, give her a clam long stare, smile and say something on the lines which show her that it doesn't affect you any more and continue doing what you are doing.

1. Let her finish saying and then totally ignore her as if she is some stranger talking and have,' I dont care a damn look' on your face.

1. Say "ouch that's mean ", why would you say that on my special day.

1. Say, I can see that you really enjoy this kind of stuff don't you? Well I don't and guess what it's my day. Enjoy the cake.

1. Take a deep breath, repeat what she said slowly and then say, SIL, you have outdone yourself (by achieving a new low bar if you feel brave enough Op)

Above all op it's your day don't let any one ruin it. Look pretty and enjoy your special day. Do let us know how it went. Some people are just so vile that you can't do anything about them but to protect yourself from their nastiness. Practice a few comeback lines if you need to and then just make your self a promise that you won't let anyone put a damper on your happiness. Enjoy your wedding and I wish you a lifetime of happiness darling xx

What does your fiance think of her?

Just say to you future husband you don't want her there because she's a cow

End of

If he thinks enough of you he'll tell her she's not invited and if not you've had a lucky escape from him and his awful family

It's a no brainier!

I'd run as fast as I could in the other direction. Why would you want to marry into a family where this behaviour seems not to be just tolerated, but accepted? If your fiance isn't prepared to protect you for the big day, why do you think you'll be protected in future? I think you are setting your self up for a life of misery.

It worries me that your fiance doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. It really does.

What do your parents in law to be think about her? Is the whole family anti-English, or is there anyone who will stand up for you? Why on earth do they hate the English so much? This is so bizarre. Your fiance must be a very special man for you to put up with this treatment.

Hell would freeze over before I let my family talk to my partner like that.

There would be no way in hell I would have someone that vile to me at my wedding.

What do inlaws say?

Your DH needs to be prioritising you and telling his brother that his wife is being a bitch and needs to stop or they won't be invited.

@AlrightTreacle

Also OP, from reading your other threads, your husband really needs to grow a backbone and stick up for you when the female members of his family are having a go at you. Marrying into this family sounds like a miserable and lonely place to be tbh.

Oh dear god I've had a look over your other threads now @AliceWonderland88 - DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! He's a total wimp who will expect you to turn into a domestic appliance because that's what his family expect and he will do what he is told. One of your threads, you even said you will be expected to care for his parents. Why the fuck did you not run then - did you really think he would ever choose you over them?

Be grateful his SIL is so obnoxious, because it makes her impossible to sweep under the carpet and drove you to Mumsnet. But if you value yourself in even the slightest way, DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN and separate from him completely. Marrying into this family will destroy you.

I was bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding and the girlfriend of one of her good friends was extremely difficult and unpredictable. He was a lovely bloke but fucking hell was he a drip when it came to this girlfriend, just used to say she was ‘misunderstood’. She was liable to attention seek, gather other friends and family around to make up shit about the bride and play the wounded victim, get really drunk and cause a scene etc. All of us bridesmaids and the groomsmen were briefed and like a military operation we kept a lid on her shit all day long, to protect the bride and groom.

For us it was a sort of fun thing to bring us all together on the wedding day, but for the bride, it meant she could relax and enjoy her day, which she did.

I think the OP has already 'run for the hills' from her own thread.

Damn you MN and your awkward questions that make sense.

Ok, scrap what I just wrote. I’ve read your other threads now.

This man lets his family order you to clean their homes, cook for them, make drinks for them, and allows them to order you to wait on him hand and foot?

Not only that, he doesn’t wash?

What the hell culture is he from (you mention it a lot) where all of that bollocks is ok???

Your guest is the least of your problems.

If you're determined that you want to marry into this family, I'd take one of two approaches:

1. Make sure everybody knows to grey-rock/patronise her. She obviously thrives on causing a scene, so if she doesn't get the reaction she wants, maybe that will make her stop. If everybody quietly replies, "Now, you know that isn't true", "You're spoiling this for everybody - you need to behave properly at a wedding" etc., she will either pipe down without an audience or go the other way, in which case she gives you just cause to have her removed like a naughty toddler by your ready-primed lovely but burly-and-scary-looking colleague who has a habit of making comments that, to the untrained ear, suggest that he may be in the police.

1. Much the preferred option: Don't just not invite her, but tell her to her face that numbers are obviously limited and you know how much she hates you, criticises you and says how dreadful your wedding is going to be, so you're not going to insult her by inviting her to attend a pathetic, terrible wedding where a dumb-blonde slut is marrying her BIL - as she has time and time again made it abundantly clear that it really is not for her; so you've therefore already put her down as a 'decline' in advance. Either she says "I didn't want to come to your stupid wedding anyway", in which case you can say "No, of course - that was my assumption" with a tinkly laugh; or otherwise, she ends up having to express a desire to go, even beg you for an invitation, which she will NOT want to do. The only response she could give aside from those is to say "No, I DO want to be there, to see your rubbish, worthless etc. etc." in which case, it's a simple "Well, that's not really the spirit of our special day at all, is it - no, I'll just put you on the 'not attending' list. and then we can all be happy.

The wedding is the least of your problems! What happens if you bring children into this, the family will take over and your future SIL will be vile about you as a parent

Imagine how your dad will feel on his daughters wedding day having a woman come up to him calling his daughter all the names under the sun
Plus why put your family and guests in with these people who have such little disregard for English people

Why are you marrying him? Do you feel trapped? I can't understand why any one would want to subject themselves to a lifetime of this treatment?

When you marry a man, you marry his family. Think long and hard if this is really the life you want. The older you get, the more important family becomes. Their behaviour will get even worse after marriage.

I would reconsider the marriage altogether. This is not looking like a bright future at all.

Having read your previous posts it's no surprise that you're now posting about your concerns.

This is no longer about 'cultural differences' this is about a family that's quite toxic.

What on earth is your fiancé doing about any of this?

And is he doing any housework of his own volition yet?

Who is she telling she will put meat in your food? And why don't they tell her to fuck off, grow up and stop being so spiteful??

Brief ALL your girlfriends on damage limitation.

@Hoppinggreen

I would not be getting married to a man who allowed a member of his family to treat me like that.

Same. The fact that her whole family allows here to get away with it is awful. If she comes to the wedding you will worry the whole time. Don't let her come.

Could the red flags being waving any faster? I don't think so. Personally, I would reconsider marrying into this family.

Think about it - you've been told to put up and shut up. This family will allow your fiance's SIL to do as she damned well pleases. You will always be subordinate to her in their eyes. She will treat you like shit and they will stand by and watch. Nobody will take your side, not even your fiance. Indeed, your fiance has already started on that path with his 'just ignore her' line. Is it possible to ignore someone who screams in your face? No, of course it isn't. And if you have told him what you have written here about her behaviour, and he still holds the 'just ignore her' line - he's a total fucking waste of space. He'd rather you be treated like this than be less than obedient to his brother's wishes. He's making it perfectly clear to you where you are in the pecking order and it is at the very bottom.

You've listed a whole lot of shit this woman has done to you - how much of it has been witnessed by your fiance and/or his brother? And if the answer to that isn't 'absolutely zero' then I reiterate, reconsider marrying into this family or it won't just be your wedding at risk, it will be your entire marriage. And once you have children you'll be tied to this entire family forever.

OP, I can well imagine the shock you may be feeling, seeing these opinions, which I absolutely agree with.

But many of us have been in relationships that involve dysfunctional adults, and we can see that you will (not might) have a huge problem with your fiance's family, especially SIL.

Personally, I think your fiance should have defended you whenever SIL started trash talking you.

Take your rose tinted specs off, and have a good, hard look at your relationship. If you want advice on potential red flags, have a look at the Relationships Board. I think there's a thread still stickied at the top that has a lot of adviice on red flags.

I'm sorry, OP, but you're taking a huge risk with your happiness if you marry into this famiy.

@MatildaTheCat

You brief a few trusted people to shield you from her for the entire day so you barely know she’s there?

This. Or get her extremely drunk as soon as possible and arrange for someone to take her home (or another room).

Can your fiancé not talk to his family about what she is doing and ask them whether they really want to back up someone who goes round saying you're a slut and promising to do her best to spoil the day?

Why bother asking? You have posted numerous times regarding issues with your fiance and his family. He's a wet fucking blanket that won't stand up for you and you have been told repeatedly not to marry him.

You won't listen. Good luck being a servant to your in laws and have a happy life time of being treated like crap by them all.

I had a family member have a tantrum on my wedding day because we hadn’t done any formal photos of that side of the family - as we’re not close at all. She was a bitch for hours to my mum and aunts about it, ruined the dinner for those on her table by going on about it and sulking, and then had the audacity to come up to me and have a massive go about it on my wedding day. At the time I just acted above it all and agreed to have one photo (which to be fair turned out lovely and my granny loves it) but I have refused to talk to her since. I’d get everyone who supports you on board that you don’t want her near you on your big day, if they see her approaching you they have to waylay her with some long topics of conversation, if they see her talking to you they must immediately come over and say “sorry, got to steal the bride for a minute” etc. And if she does manage to get near you on the day, make sure you have some ready made excuses to not even have a conversation - “sorry, I’m desperate for the loo”, “sorry, I need to go change my shoes”, “sorry, my mum wanted a photo with me now”. Just refuse to engage under any circumstances. It’s your day, you can get away with it.

I'm sorry OP but I have also gone back and read your other threads.

You are going to be battling against his family constantly, it's not going to stop. When/if you have children it will get worse.

If you can put up with that for his sake then that's fine, but it won't help to keep popping up on Mumsnet to ask for advice, because it is always going to be the same I'm afraid.

Agree with the other posters. You are signing up for a lifetime of abusive behaviour from his family and your husband to be doesn’t stand up for you. Why are you marrying him?

Oh Op - it's you! Don't marry him. You'll lead a dog's life and situations like this will be your constant state.

Sorry but it would be the fiance or her! I agree with others, this is not going away, and if your possible husband to be thinks that it is ok for anyone to speak to or about his wife like this, then he's a loser and not worth having. I am the last person to want to see old-fashioned chivalry, but any man who puts up with this sort of behaviour has lost the plot.

Although I am also with a few others here - I'd punch her flat out and see what my fiance thought of that as a solution.