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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if other SAHM feel guilty

112 replies

Rosebyanothername19 · 03/03/2021 21:53

I know looking after children isn't exactly a holiday, but I still feel guilty for not having to go to work.
We are in a very fortunate position that I don't need to and for that I am extremely grateful.

We are renovating a house and I still do some work for our company and I'm in the process of setting up another company but I dont have the day to day stress that my husband does and juggle everything he has to. I also have help from my mil and my dm a couple of times a week. I really enjoy everything I do and I try to get a couple of hours to myself a week.

Just wondering if anyone else has SAHM guilt?

OP posts:
Marty13 · 03/03/2021 21:55

You shouldn't feel guilty ! I'm a working single parent but I find it hard enough taking care of DC when not working. It's relentless and often tedious (mine are very young, I expect things get better as they grow up). If I had a spouse taking care of them all day long I'd be so thankful !

gingganggooleywotsit · 03/03/2021 21:59

I don’t envy you. Just get on with your life! Sounds like you are over thinking.

Original poster
Rosebyanothername19 · 03/03/2021 22:02

I hope it gets easier as they get older! Haha! Mine is 2!
Jokes aside, I honestly love being able to spend so much time with my DC. It's amazing. I get to see them grow and teach them and I know a lot of people, including my husband, would love that opportunity. X

OP posts:
BunniesBunniesBunnies · 03/03/2021 22:02

I don’t really get the point of your post? You feel guilty because you are so lucky because we should all want what you have...? I have a really fulfilling career which I love, I don’t think the SAHM life is for me. Glad you enjoy it though.

Tittyfilarious · 03/03/2021 22:03

No, none at all, we are a team he works to earn the money I take care of house and family so I'm doing my share. If I went to work my husband would be knackered he'd never get the rest he needs he works long shifts in a physical job me being home means he rests properly and he would never change that he's happy I'm home. If you didn't do what you do who would?. Never feel guilty for being a SAHM Flowers

Original poster
Rosebyanothername19 · 03/03/2021 22:05

@BunniesBunniesBunnies sorry, I think you have missed the point of my post. I am wondering if any other SAHMs feel guilty for it. I'm glad you have a career you enjoy and are proud of!

OP posts:
Ellpellwood · 03/03/2021 22:05

I'm now part time, 2.5 days with toddler and 2.5 days work. I don't feel "guilty" that DH works full time, but it is a bit of a weird feeling knowing I now don't earn enough to cover a mortgage and bills if I ever needed to. I worked full time for 12 years before I had DS.

QueenCoconut · 03/03/2021 22:07

I work full time and I also ‘get to see my children grow and teach them’.

BMHM · 03/03/2021 22:07

Mmmm but not so guilty that you're willing to go to work Hmm.

Just get on with your life. I don't see the point in your post? There are no mothers, regardless of their situation, immune to guilt.

NailsNeedDoing · 03/03/2021 22:07

Just carry on appreciating it and enjoying it Smile

BunniesBunniesBunnies · 03/03/2021 22:08

Quite, @QueenCoconut

RUOKHon · 03/03/2021 22:08

Don’t worry about it.

I’m a SAHM at the moment (studying part time in the evenings for an MA). I do all the childcare for our three DC (one preschooler), all the household chores and all the general life admin day-to-day. DH has a Big Important Job during the week but chips in at the weekend.

No way do I feel guilty. DH hasn’t had to worry at all about homeschooling during lockdown, I’ve handled it all. In ‘normal’ times, he’s able to leave for work at 7.30am and come home at 7.30pm where there’s a meal ready for him - kids already fed and in bed. If I wasn’t a SAHM, we’d have to pay for full time nursery, plus am and pm wrap around care x 2, or hire a nanny, plus a cleaner. Or he’d have to drop his hours and therefore his salary.

We’re a team. We run RUOK Inc like a well-oiled machine, where we each have our role and responsibilities. That will change in the future when all DCs are in school and I’m qualified, so am I fuck going to feel guilty about being at home now.

Meadowland · 03/03/2021 22:10

I tried being a SAHM but really didn't enjoy it.
Once I got a part time job, I felt so much more fulfilled, and enjoyed my ds so much more when I was with him.
But everyone is different, and no reason to feel guilty.

Avaganda · 03/03/2021 22:15

No, I don't feel guilty at all. It's worked best for our family for me to stay at home and DH go to work. That might not always be the case but so far we prefer this set up and that's all that matters really. Every family is different and what works for some doesn't work for others. I've been a SAHM for nearly 6 years and at first I did let snide comments get to me but I've learnt to ignore it now.

Moraxella · 03/03/2021 22:32

I feel guilty that I love my job and can’t face being a SAHM 🤷🏻‍♀️

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/03/2021 22:35

What juggling does your husband have to do?
The point of a sahp is that the working parent doesn’t have to worry about the weekday crap of home life: world book day outfits, the washing being hung up or if a child is sick off school.

Original poster
Rosebyanothername19 · 03/03/2021 22:35

@QueenCoconut I didnt mean any offence. Im sorry if it came across that way. X

OP posts:
Tiredmaturestudent · 03/03/2021 22:37

I think people do whats best for them/whatever is necessary. I am a single mother of 3 doing a full time degree comprising of 50% clinical placement and i have never been so fulfilled. Do I feel guilty working through the night, not always keeping on top of the housework? Yes. Hopefully one day my children will be proud i built a life for us and forget wearing the same jumper to school a couple of times. Point being you really can't win.

Original poster
Rosebyanothername19 · 03/03/2021 22:39

@OnlyFoolsnMothers we ran the company together for 11 years so I know how much juggling he has to do. As well as well as the majority of my role since I took a step back. Plus the renovation and he is very hands on when at home.

OP posts:
Neolara · 03/03/2021 22:39

I was a sahm for 14 years. I didn't feel guilty. I think I was just totally happy with my decision to stay at home for various reasons. I wonder if you feel if what you are doing is not valuable? And if so, why?

Original poster
Rosebyanothername19 · 03/03/2021 22:42

@neolara I think it might be that it is our company I took a step back from so I feel bad for leaving my husband with all the day to day stress of it.
It's only since taking a step back I've realised how stressed I used to be all the time!

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/03/2021 22:45

Sounds a unique situation to your business. A regular office job say working for a business that isn’t yours, 9-5 With a peaceful lunch hr- I wouldn’t feel bad for that when compared to running around after children all day.

LovesFood1987 · 03/03/2021 22:50

@Meadowland

Totally agree. We could afford me not to work but I didn't enjoy being at home full time. Now we both work part time, we're both happy.

Everyone lives their life their own way and as long as the partnership works, bills are paid, kids are cared for then why are people so obsessed with SAMP/full time/part time etc?

Milkshake7489 · 03/03/2021 22:55

Don't feel bad OP. I'm presuming that you and your DH decided that you'd be a SAHP together so there's really no need... both your roles are equally worthwhile Smile.

I will give you the same advice my DH gave me, 'Don't feel guilty for being lucky enough to choose how you spend your days. Feeling bad doesn't change anyone else's situation, it just makes you miserable' (said when I was enjoying the perks of being freelance but applies here too I think!).

pregnantncnc · 03/03/2021 23:02

God no.

DH said recently that even if he won the lottery he'd still want to work (in his job, running his business) which absolutely baffled me. I could not relate to that at all. I loved my job, and it was actually a hobby before my job, but no way would I do it if I didn't have to (and I don't, hence why I'm a SAHM), especially now we have DC.

I love being a SAHM, it means DH can focus on his work which fulfils him and I can be with our son which fulfils me. We are far from wealthy so I know how lucky I am and the sacrifices we make for me to be able to stay at home and I'm very grateful. I've never had much of a "work ethic" or lived up to my academic "potential" (much to my dad's disappointment), but I've honestly never wanted anything more than a simple life with my husband and children which I know makes me seem small minded and boring to some (I'm only mid 20s now, so my contemporaries certainly think so)! I used to be very embarrassed of the genuine goals I had for my life and am glad DH is on board.