To wonder if other SAHM feel guilty

[Rosebyanothername19]

I know looking after children isn't exactly a holiday, but I still feel guilty for not having to go to work.
We are in a very fortunate position that I don't need to and for that I am extremely grateful.

We are renovating a house and I still do some work for our company and I'm in the process of setting up another company but I dont have the day to day stress that my husband does and juggle everything he has to. I also have help from my mil and my dm a couple of times a week. I really enjoy everything I do and I try to get a couple of hours to myself a week.

Just wondering if anyone else has SAHM guilt?

Yes I do feel guilty and I absolutely get what you mean. My main guilt is the money, I've always, always been so independent and never had financial help from my parents after I left home. Now at almost 40 I'm completely dependent on my husband. Also he does majority of the childcare on weekends when I try to recharge my batteries which makes me even more guilty !

Just to add pre covid I loved being SAHM but now it just sucks, I'm tired, lonely and bored.

I used to, until it realised how much nicer my being a sahp made his life too. Eg, he didn't have to spend evenings or weekends doing chores, I'd done them all in the week.

Nope. I have asked my husband many times if he would like me to go back to work or doesn’t want to be sole earner anymore, but he’s very clear that me being home reduces his stress, means he can concentrate on his job and is what’s best for our children (note I said our children, one of which has special needs, I’m not saying anything about what’s best for anyone else’s children). He’s not stupid, he knows that if I went back to paid employment he’d be on the hook for a share of kids sick days, housework, homeschooling over lockdown, a lot of phone calls from school re SEN child - I don’t think that would make his full on job any easier! He still gets plenty of time with the kids - my being at home just means the drudge stuff gets done in the week and we can do fun stuff with them on weekends instead of laundry and lawn mowing and Tesco and cleaning the bathroom. He still teaches them stuff and sees them grow, he sees them every morning, evening and weekend! (And before someone points it out, as they always do, I am very well aware of the financial ramifications of being a SAHM and have a fair amount of independent financial security, full access to our money and a job I could pick up again if he was run over by a bus.)

Sometimes my role is easier than his, sometimes it isn’t. I’m happy, he’s happy, our marriage is happy, our kids are happy and we can well afford it. What is there to feel guilty about?!

Why would you feel guilty? You may feel like you’re in a dream position and for many, I’m sure, you will be. But I couldn’t stay at home all day, no matter how much I love my kid, so I wouldn’t feel envious, so you needn’t feel guilt. You’re in a nice position for you and it works for you so don’t waste your energy on misplaced guilt.

@Ileflottante I meant I feel guilty my husband has to go to work and I don't rather than guilty that other mums have to work and I don't. Sorry if that wasn't clear! I totally appreciate that different people are in different situations and do what works for them and their family.

RUOKHon I could have written your post. Exactly the same setup here.
I am currently studying so I know I won't be doing this forever but for now our family unit is happy and it's working for us. I have so much gratitude and appreciation for this.
Op don't feel guilty whether you are a sahm or working mom. As long as your family is happy and functioning that's what matters.

@Sahm101 thanks, I will try. Its mainly on a morning I feel bad.

DH has just set off for work after bringing me tea and orange juice. He has a really busy day at work and we are snuggling in bed watching Hey Dundee because its cold. (Admittedly I have been awake since 5.30 with DC so I am also savouring not having to actually get up just yet)!

Probably OP, mum guilt is real and unnecessary.

FWIW I couldn’t do it, hats off to you.

If you can afford it and it’s the way you and your DH have decided that you want to do things don’t stress, out your feet up and enjoy it. You’ve worked hard in the past and I’m sure you will do again in the future. Kids are only small for such a short time.

I don’t really get the point of your post? You feel guilty because you are so lucky because we should all want what you have.

Quite.

I don’t think “guilt” is the feeling that comes across from your post to be honest.....

I think women are programmed to feel guilty about things. I would have loved to stay home when mine were tiny so just enjoy it & get back to helping once the kids start school.

RUOK interested to know what a Big Important Job is? Is your DH a critical frontline worker saving lives? Or does he just get a great salary?

Did you just post to boast about how amazing your life is?? I'm full of guilt for being a single working mum and not being there for my daughter as much as I would like, I also don't have the luxury of a mum or mother In law to help either! I'd happily swap your guilt for mine.

I have 2 young children & work full time hours in a demanding job but I still get to see them grow up and learn and I can teach them things too!

Don't overthink it. If you're feeling guilty, get yourself a job with a few hours a week.

I don’t think you should feel guilty. It sounds like you’ve left a very stressful job and looking after your children as a SAHM seems nicer than that so you now feel bad about it. But I don’t think you should. Presumably your husband agreed to it, is probably getting plenty of benefits out of the situation and if you enjoy it too them what’s to feel guilt about? I do think it seems to be something women take upon themselves a lot. I rarely hear any man talking about feeling guilty for things like this.

I love my kids but I personally couldn’t be a SAHM - I always want to maintain my financial independence, plus I find work easier. But I am lucky as work have agreed I can do my 28 hours over 3 days, so I get 4 days a week with DC, 3 at work. DH also does compressed hours so he gets Fridays from 1pm off with the DC. For me, that’s a good balance. And I basically earn the same as my DH but effectively for 3 days a week (8-6 - as he tends to work 8-6 most days anyway with his job). I can’t complain.

I don’t think you should feel guilty as you have made the decision for the family that you will be a SAHM. Do you think that your guilt could be a little bit of worry about our now lack of financial independence instead? (I don’t say that in a horrid or critical way - just might be something underlying your feelings)

I don't see why you would feel guilty if this is what works best for your family. I think for me personally I would always have a niggling worry in my mind about being out of a career for so long and I don't think I would be comfortable to rely solely on another person financially. Maybe I spend too much time reading mumsnet but every week there is a thread with a marriage that has unexpectedly imploded.

RUOK interested to know what a Big Important Job is? Is your DH a critical frontline worker saving lives? Or does he just get a great salary?

It’s both, actually. I won’t go into the details but he basically invents medicines.

@BMHM

Mmmm but not so guilty that you're willing to go to work .

Just get on with your life. I don't see the point in your post? There are no mothers, regardless of their situation, immune to guilt.

I’ve never felt a moment’s guilt as a mother. And I think it’s nonsense to think it’s universal or mandatory.

I do agree with your point, though, that it’s unclear what the OP wants from this thread other than some kind of validation.

Are you actually feeling guilty, OP? About what? You say you’re ‘fortunate enough’ so that you don’t need to work, but on the other hand you talk about your husband’s stress as the sole earner. You could obviously help assuage that by returning to work and contributing to the household’s finances . It is perfectly possible to work FT, homeschool, and project manage major house renovations — I know because I’m doing it at the moment.

So don’t just sit about feeling vaguely guilty. If something is bothering you about your life, change it.

I didn’t read the OP as a boast at all. I think she’s reaching out because like all of us women she feels guilty and wants to see if she’s not alone. As is clear from all of the posts here, us women will feel guilty whether we work or don’t work! Crazy really.

OP I understand what you’re saying. I feel the same a lot as I home educate my DC whilst DH goes out to work and earns enough to support our lifestyle. When friends and family talk about work pressures and stress I do wonder if they think I’ve ‘got it easy’ & then I feel guilty. No-one ever says it of course. That said I know many many people would not want to be at home all day with their DC & I totally appreciate that!

I’m trained in a career which I could pick back up anytime and probably will in the future so I don’t feel I’m de-skilled too much but the guilt is real.

@crazyontheweekend

I didn’t read the OP as a boast at all. I think she’s reaching out because like all of us women she feels guilty and wants to see if she’s not alone. As is clear from all of the posts here, us women will feel guilty whether we work or don’t work! Crazy really.

OP I understand what you’re saying. I feel the same a lot as I home educate my DC whilst DH goes out to work and earns enough to support our lifestyle. When friends and family talk about work pressures and stress I do wonder if they think I’ve ‘got it easy’ & then I feel guilty. No-one ever says it of course. That said I know many many people would not want to be at home all day with their DC & I totally appreciate that!

I’m trained in a career which I could pick back up anytime and probably will in the future so I don’t feel I’m de-skilled too much but the guilt is real.

‘All of us women’ don’t feel guilty is my point. If the OP isn’t happy about some aspect of her life, she should change it.

@lollipoprainbow no not at all. I was just wondering if any other SAHM feel guilty. I know I'm in a very fortunate position. It sounds like you are showing your daughter how to be a strong independent woman. Hats off to you!

@Odile13 yes I think you are right. I think I have replaced the intense stress of running a business with guilt that I don't have to burden that anymore and it all falls on my DHs shoulders. Thank you for understanding! X

I've never had much of a "work ethic" or lived up to my academic "potential" (much to my dad's disappointment), but I've honestly never wanted anything more than a simple life with my husband and children which I know makes me seem small minded and boring to some (I'm only mid 20s now, so my contemporaries certainly think so)! I used to be very embarrassed of the genuine goals I had for my life and am glad DH is on board

Mid twenties and totally relient on a man to look after you for god knows how long. Thats faith that is.

I don't know why you feel guilty OP, it's not a live I would like but glad you're happy.

I've been both (sham and work) for various reasons.

But honstely OP, life changes all the time. Things happen eg divorce etc.
If this is the life you enjoy than live it. Because it could change in a instant.

You shouldn’t feel guilty at all. It’s a position I would LOVE to be in, so I’m genuinely jealous. Not that is without its challenges, but is the option if choose if I could. I think just be grateful that you’re in a position to choose. Grateful, not guilty!

@VegetarianDeathCult it is the stress not the finances that I feel guilty about I think. As it is our company, the financial situation wouldn't really change too much if I went back as we would have to pay more for childcare so any financial benefit would be negligible. Also I do still work for the company as and when required I just don't have the daily stress and long hours.