To wonder if other SAHM feel guilty

[Rosebyanothername19]

I know looking after children isn't exactly a holiday, but I still feel guilty for not having to go to work.
We are in a very fortunate position that I don't need to and for that I am extremely grateful.

We are renovating a house and I still do some work for our company and I'm in the process of setting up another company but I dont have the day to day stress that my husband does and juggle everything he has to. I also have help from my mil and my dm a couple of times a week. I really enjoy everything I do and I try to get a couple of hours to myself a week.

Just wondering if anyone else has SAHM guilt?

When I was a SAHM I didn’t feel guilty, I just felt envious of all those who still had their careers and their independence. I also missed being valued by society.

I never used to but now I realise I'm probably never going to have a "proper" job again, I feel guilty and rather rubbish about the whole situation.

It's maybe circumstantial though, I didn't want to be a sahm but I had postpartum psychosis and ended up feeling like I had to quit so I think I've always been slightly resentful.

You absolutely have nothing to feel guilty about, living a more relaxed life and if you are happy and fulfilled, why feel guilty, unless of course your DH is unhappy with being the one working full time, but failing that, just carry on enjoying your choices.

OP, don’t feel guilty for looking after your own child. What has the world come to, when women are made to feel guilty for being the primary care-giver for their own baby?

If you weren’t doing it, someone else would be. Probably another woman.

And yes, duvet mornings and fun and the freedom of it are part of the territory of being a SAHM! Ask yourself why you feel you shouldn’t be enjoying it? If you weren’t enjoying it, that’s a sure-fire sign that you’re doing something wrong! Happy mum equals happy baby. If you’re miserable or depressed as a SAHM, your child will pick up on this, in which case, you are probably not the best person for “the job.” Not all women are - and that’s fine too.

You only get one life. These years fly by, trust me. Make the most of it and you don’t need to justify anything.

Why on earth would you feel guilty for looking after your own children?

Tbh, this comes across as a stealth boast, oh my life is so great and I'm lucky enough to have a high earning DH, AIBU to enjoy it so much?

Come on OP...

No, def don't feel guilty.
We put off having children so that one of us could be a present parent. I ended up as that parent, because husband worked away in the business 99% of the time and we both felt strongly that we didn't want to use childcare, I have no issue with anyone who does though. It suited us, I loved being a sahp.
We own a business together too, me very part time and husband very full time ( still ) I worked part time outside the business too, when the children started school, mostly for my own sanity. We found that our children needed as much parental input ( albeit in a completely different way ) in their teens as they did before starting school.
There is no right way to do it, you have to do what you are happy with as a family.

I was a SAHM for years, I didn't feel guilty but I do now as my eldest is a teenager, we live in the south east and despite me having a fairly well paid job and my DH being very well paid we still live in a relatively small house to the one I grew up in. I suppose this wouldn't have been the case if I'd stuck at my very good job after maternity leave. I am now fretting about how we are going to help pay for university for DC which is just over 4 years away for eldest. We need more space to spread out. My DH is an Architect so in that sense we have been able to renovate the house we live in fairly cheaply but it is still on my mind that we could be renovating a much bigger property where bigger, adult sized children can spread out in. We were young when we had DS so missed out on property windfalls. We couldn't afford for me to be a SAHM but I still did it as it was the right choice for us at the time it is now that I feel guilty.

And yes, I agree with above, I like having my own income from a paid job outside of the home.

I work but of an evening (part time, of an evening, which is maintaining my career/keeping me in the industry and progressing) mon-fri I care for DS, then a few evenings a week I work.

DH has a stressful job, currently WFH.

DH gets paid for what he does mon-fri 9-5, but we see it that:

1. we need an income to pay the bills
2. to be able to get an income, we need childcare - which I provide

So tbh we see me being at home and him working as equal - we can’t do one without the other.

When both of us are home and not working, then it’s even stevens - he doesn’t get out of doing his share of housekeeping or childcare because he’s worked 9-5 in the week

Later in the year we are actually looking to swap as a full time promotion should be coming up in work for me - so I’ll do the mon-fri 9-5, and DH will be a SAHD for the next few years

I don’t feel guilty about caring for DS during the week (and wouldn’t if I wasn’t doing a few evenings a week), and I wouldn’t expect DH to feel guilty when he’s providing the bulk of childcare.

What is there to feel guilty about?

Getting to see your children grow? Do fuck off.

Those who think it's a stealth post, being a stay at home parent is such a lonely job, you literally have no colleagues and you are always on duty ! Especially at the moment when you are just at home.
So it's hard to find anyone to talk about it if you haven't got a.close friend who is in a similar situation. So you come here.

And no, I'm not saying it's the MOST difficult or lonely or hard situation, I've been a lonely teenager and a lonely young adult, spending long holidays alone and it was way harder than being SAHM - and even then there were people who had it worse. Obviously ! But I still wouldn't have appreciated being told to fuck off for being honest about my feelings.

I have zero issues with SAHMs. You do you. I couldn’t stand it, personally - I tried for six months and it was just not for me. However I think the comment about ‘getting to see your children grow’ is just goady.

@Justgivemeamoment thank you for your support. It's difficult to get the tone right in messages. You are right, I have no friends in the same situation as me. I haven't had the opportunity to meet any other mums and the few I do know are in completely different situations.

To anyone who thinks I am being boastful or bragging, I'm really not! I just came here to see if anyone in q similar situation to me felt the same!

Thank you for everyone who has given me support and advice, I really appreciate it!... except maybe @ZooeyS

As long as it works for you and your DH is happy with it, I wouldn’t worry at all

I have been a SAHM of a school age child for 3 months now and I don't feel guilty. I picked up all the home schooling which freed DH up to focus entirely on his job.

Yes my life is much better now but so is DH's and DS'. Three months ago we were all so tired and stressed and life was miserable to be honest. Now we are more rested (DS isn't a good sleeper so I won't say well rested ) and our lives are relaxed with very little rush in them. The evenings are now spent chatting together, playing board games together and watching films together rather than running around like headless chickens trying to get everything done.

We are eating healthily rather than reaching for the Just Eat app a couple of times a week. We are also having all our meals at the table rather than shovelling food down in front of the TV.

DH has just sent me a list of all the key dates for his family (birthdays/anniversaries) and I will now sort those out. All DH has to worry about anymore is his job and being an engaged, involved parent when he isn't working.

I am sure that there are many families with two working parents who manage all these things but we weren't managing and as a family we are happier and healthier with me as a SAHM.

@Justgivemeamoment

Those who think it's a stealth post, being a stay at home parent is such a lonely job, you literally have no colleagues and you are always on duty ! Especially at the moment when you are just at home. So it's hard to find anyone to talk about it if you haven't got a.close friend who is in a similar situation. So you come here.

And no, I'm not saying it's the MOST difficult or lonely or hard situation, I've been a lonely teenager and a lonely young adult, spending long holidays alone and it was way harder than being SAHM - and even then there were people who had it worse. Obviously ! But I still wouldn't have appreciated being told to fuck off for being honest about my feelings.

I don't think it's a stealth boast, either, but I do see it parrotted an awful lot on here that someone 'is fortunate enough not to have to work', and I think some women who are bored, lonely and unfulfilled as SAHM for precisely the reasons that you give (as well as the extremely important issues of loss of earnings/pension contributions/becoming deskilled etc) don't question why this might be, because they're getting bombarded by the message that they're 'fortunate'.

Sometimes people find being a SAHP boring, lonely etc, because it is boring and lonely as they experience it. Those people should get themselves back to work ASAP without feeling they need to be grateful because they're 'fortunate' enough to have a partner who supports them. It's only 'fortunate' if you actually want to live that life, and it really isn't for everyone. I don't think it's for most people if I look around me.

No, I don't feel guilty.

I work bloody hard, I do all of the childcare, cooking, cleaning, tidying, laundry, shopping, DIY, car maintenance and currently homeschooling. DH freely admits that there is no way he could do what I do. This has allowed him to dedicate himself to a demanding job and get promoted twice in 5 years, which wouldn't have happened if we'd both been working FT and splitting nursery drop-offs, housework etc. Luckily he values the work I do, and definitely doesn't consider me lucky, because it's mainly thankless relentless drudgery.

@VegetarianDeathCult

That’s all so true.
People experience these things differently but there’s a pressure to talk about being a sahm as if it’s a blessing partly I think because it’s seen as a luxury, so posters are dammed if they enjoy it, damned if they complain.
Like everything else it’s in the eye of the beholder. If you’re lonely and hate it there are few places to talk freely about that without the Marie Antoinette thing

“ I have no friends in the same situation as me. I haven't had the opportunity to meet any other mums and the few I do know are in completely different situations.”

Could I ask why this is OP? If you live in a very isolated location?

I know it’s easy to say, “just get out there,” (and it was admittedly easy for me as I live in a part of London where most women are / were SAHMs), but are there not groups you can go to with your toddler? We used to do literally everything on offer and it’s impossible not to meet people. Mine are all teens now, but looking back, those were some of the best years of my life. I made more friends through being a SAHM than I did at work, put it that way. We had friends over every day, or were at their house or out and about doing something. I had 4 kids and it was the same with them all (though admittedly, the younger ones tended to get dragged along in the schedules of the older ones, eg. school runs, etc).

I think one of the best things about being SAH with little ones is that the day can be whatever you make it. Once they get to school, you’re on that schedule and then the homework kicks in, etc and you’re on that treadmill ... Next thing, it’s GCSEs and A-levels and they’re off!

No I never felt guilt. Why would I? If I hadn't been at home with them we would have had to pay someone else to look after them, and would have made life significantly harder for all of us what with long commutes/juggling everything. I had my two very close together so the cost of childcare would have eye watering too. If your husband earns enough that money isn't a struggle then I literally can't comprehend any reason to feel guilty. It's no walk in the park when they're under 3, certainly wasn't a picnic in my experience anyway!

I was lucky that I could work in the business when I wanted or sah when I wanted.
But never any guilt, mine has a vocation though, you don't retire from it.
So part of all our lives.

No. Only when I get asked if I’m still looking for a job. But then he wouldn’t be able to swan off to other countries or states working, we’ll be could, I’d just be working and looking after the D.C. and doing everything else.

Guilt is a completely wasted emotion.
I'm in the opposite position: I'm a single mum and I work FT. I feel endlessly guilty about this (even though its out of my control).
In my rational moments I realise that guilt serves no purpose except to drag you down.
As long as you are making the best of the situation that you have, guilt is just eating into time and energy which could be better spent doing something else.

I've been a SAHM for 16 years, though I did some part time, remote working for a few years. I know where you're coming from with the guilt.

My husband thinks I push myself to work too hard when I'm at home and should enjoy relaxing more and not feel under pressure to achieve things. We have busy family lives so I hope that being organised makes everyone else's life that bit easier. I spend quite a lot of time supporting my kids' with their work and sport, and our family finances etc. I confess to having a cleaner too which makes me feel a bit guilty/lazy...

I know we're very lucky that we can afford one of us staying at home. As with everything, the grass can be greener and I sometimes have a little pang of regret at leaving my professional work behind which I worked hard for and enjoyed. But I'm grateful for the luxury of time, and being able to meet friends for coffee if I want to.

Any guilt I feel is from myself, my husband is very supportive and appreciative.

I wonder if it’s less that you feel guilty for being a SAHM but more because you are enjoying what you do day to day, find it fulfilling and are happy, whereas your husband is not?? In which case you need to address why your husband is not happy, rather than feel bad that you are happy, iyswim. If you were miserable and he was happy, you would not be feeling guilty for being a SAHM, you would be feeling resentful. Chat to your husband, see how he feels- if he is also happy and fulfilled, you have no reason whatsoever to feel guilty!