To wonder if other SAHM feel guilty

[Rosebyanothername19]

I know looking after children isn't exactly a holiday, but I still feel guilty for not having to go to work.
We are in a very fortunate position that I don't need to and for that I am extremely grateful.

We are renovating a house and I still do some work for our company and I'm in the process of setting up another company but I dont have the day to day stress that my husband does and juggle everything he has to. I also have help from my mil and my dm a couple of times a week. I really enjoy everything I do and I try to get a couple of hours to myself a week.

Just wondering if anyone else has SAHM guilt?

@crazyontheweekend thank you for understanding!

TBH, you sound more smug than guilty.

@notanothertakeaway thanks, that is really helpful!

Don’t feel guilt - I tried your life, hated it. But I don’t feel guilty looking at the SAHM having coffee and going to playgroups/ playgrounds day in day out. It’s horses for courses

All of us with a comfortable, safe, home, enough food and money left over for enjoyment, should feel fortunate but not necessarily guilty.

We should channel our fortune into helping others also

I’m a SAHM and I don’t feel guilty at all, I’m doing what I think is best for my family and others are doing what’s best for theirs. Homeschooling, with a toddler interrupting every couple of seconds and doing all the housework, cooking and life admin isn’t exactly a thrill a minute sometimes I envy working mums, just do what suits you best don’t feel guilty.

There’s no need to feel guilty at all. I know how you feel though as I did too. I’d worked from the age of 16 so it was really weird for me to not work or have any of my own income at all. (No issues with joint finances. I have full access)
The guilt and restlessness got to me in the end so I retrained and now work part time in education. I feel guilty for having lots of time off now!
I think it’s a personality trait.

No I don’t. I stopped work in 2005. Like you I do a small amount of work for our business. My kids are teenagers now and I have one adult son.

Being a SAHP must be one of the toughest jobs ever. I'm on mat leave and bored to tears most days (sometimes literally). For me, the underlying stress of looking after a child is so much harder to deal with than the day to day stress of a job. Before I took mat leave I wondered if I could maybe just be a SAHP...now the thought brings me out in a cold sweat and I can't wait to go back. I think it depends on what kinds of stress you're better at dealing with.

I've noticed that a lot of the women I know who took mat leave and never came back seemed to have real lack of confidence in their careers (even though I'm every case I know, they were super diligent and hardworking, just held themselves to a very high standard). I think it was a relief for them to not have to operate under that pressure anymore.

Horses for courses and all that...

I feel guilty that I love my job and as a key worker I keep a level of normality by going to work while dc are in school. Don’t fell guilty as that implies you think others are jealous but being a SAHM is nothing I’d be jealous of - not for me and yes we can afford to live on one salary but just because we can doesn’t me I chose that for myself or my family.

I think a lot of people are getting the wrong end of the stick with your post - you are not being smug and making those who do work feel bad.

I am not a SAHP but am on maternity leave. I think if I was at home and my partner away at work I would maybe feel guilty that I'd basically been 'hanging out' all day (keeping a small child alive) however since he is now working from home, he can see how much of a slog it actually can be and I know he wouldn't want to swap with me! So any potential guilt is long gone :).

I also really thought I would happily stay at home and not go back to work. However I actually am quite looking forward to it. Sadly I think that's because my maternity leave has been in Covid times and not being able to leave the house, socialise, have things to look forward to/achieve has been tough. So I think you must be doing a brilliant job!

@VegetarianDeathCult your post got me thinking and you are right. If its bothering me then I should change it! Im never going to be a stepford wife but I can see my role more as a job, work harder at it and be proud! Thank you for your straight talking! I appreciate it!

I wouldn’t feel guilty at all. My mums friend is similar to you, she hasn’t worked since her kids were born and they’re 16 and 17 now. She says she does some work for ‘the family business’ which in reality is two or three hours a week answering emails or doing a bit of filing, with her DP out working every day and some weekends. They have a lovely comfortable life and want for nothing but she has to sort of fill her time deliberately doing what I think are slightly pointless things, I do appreciate though that what is pointless to me because I’m very busy with work, isn’t pointless to someone else, so who am I to judge, but things like going to three or four different shops weekly to complete the food shop because they like different things from different shops, having the car cleaned weekly, only giving hand made cards which take her ages to make and are undoubtedly lovely but she acts like it’s a bit of a chore and sometimes my mum says to her just go and buy a card then! Things like dropping off and picking her kids up every day from two different schools and hobbies when they could walk or get a bus or before covid, lift share. One thing I’d say is that it’s made her kids less independent and that’s one thing I definitely would not want - they are so used to her being there to just do everything in the day so their clothes are clean, rooms tidy, driven everywhere, everything they want down to particular brands of juice in the fridge, because this lady gets her pride and satisfaction from helping her family like this, like you would in a job. That’s the only drawback for me, it must be lovely when the kids are little but as they get older where is then satisfaction as a capable adult.

@Crimblecrumble1990 thank you! And congratulations on your DC! I cant imagine how hard maternity leave must have been in covid! Well done for getting through it!

I couldn't think of anything worse than being a SAHM.

I do not feel even remotely guilty about being a SAHM, not sure why anyone thinks I, or any other mother, working or not, should.
It wasn’t a choice initially: I was made redundant just at a time when my autistic DC suddenly needed more attention, then I briefly tried and failed to get another job as there is nigh on zero jobs in my area where I live, so I’ve embraced SAHMhood and been renovating our house instead. No regrets, no guilt (but less money!)

[quote Rosebyanothername19]@VegetarianDeathCult your post got me thinking and you are right. If its bothering me then I should change it! Im never going to be a stepford wife but I can see my role more as a job, work harder at it and be proud! Thank you for your straight talking! I appreciate it![/quote]
Well, good for you, if that's what you actually want, OP, but the fact that you need to turn it around conceptually and view being a SAHM by a term generally associated with salaried employment outside the home makes me wonder whether you aren't covering up from yourself the fact that you don't enjoy being a SAHM and would prefer to work outside the home.

I mean, I'm in favour of people doing what they actually want, and sometimes women get hit with the blanket message that they're 'fortunate' to be able to be a SAHM and don't actually think about whether it's something that works for them or not.

I don’t think you should feel guilt. I was a SAHM for nearly 4 years when our DC were younger. It’s the hardest job in the world, as there’s no respite and you can lose your identity a little.

However, I don’t think it’s a sensible route long-term. I’ve got 2 of my best friends who are stuck in unhappy marriages, as they’ve remained SAHM for such a long time (past secondary school age) and would tell you themselves that they’ve made themselves unemployable.

I am also a SAHM at present. My husband works long shifts and is able to get plenty of very well paid overtime. My being home for everything household and childcare related enables him to do his job - make money.
When our youngest goes to school I will return to work, but we are already dreading the childcare juggle

Is your DH really now doing two stressful full time roles on his own? I'm not surprised you feel guilty. Something will need to give if that is the case. Can he get in someone to cover the work you used to do if you don't want to go back to it? Otherwise surely he is going to burn out before too long as things stand?

Not at all, it's teamwork. Imo there isn't such a thing like a parent slacking off, if you do jobs around the house or outside you are still keeping busy and contributing.

I was briefly a SAHP, never felt guilty but did feel a lot of fear - mainly around pensions/financial independence. Realised that for me I couldn't not earn for my old age.

I work FT and I’m a LP
I also feel guilty , and it’s a waste
Stop the guilt ! Women are very good at this

You shouldnt feel guilty about any choice that you and your dh have made about childcare.
I think guilt is natural when you devote your whole day to something which used to only be a portion of it. It is easy to feel like you are on holiday or see your role only in the context of what you have stopped doing instead of a whole new role which will have its own challenges.
i know why you felt the need to talk about how fortunate you are - to say 'im at home and im finding it difficult' would just risk people piling in to tell you off for complaining when they have to work 300 hours a week and look after their 7 kids, 20 dogs and a MIL. But if you are feeling a bit shit thats fine to admit to - you'll get scragged on here by someone whatever you say.

I think i felt guilty and also relieved as i had found the children plus busy job hard. But looking back i can see now that i resented that i was expected to be grateful. Everyone wanted me to talk about how grateful and lucky i was but I was also sad. id worked hard at my career and it was suddenly gone. So were my work friends. my ambition and independence was curtailed overnight.
Also gone was my status. Im aware that sounds petty but its how i felt. Stay at home mums have no status at all and I missed that. My job had been closely tied with how i felt about myself - i was proud of what i'd achieved and i got all those signals daily. People asked my advice, made appointments to speak with me, did the tasks i gave them etc etc. No one thanks you when you're clearing up the shit in the bathroom .
and then suddenly the DH is the important one. He's the one bringing in the money, who has to be fed when he gets home because you've been at home all day and you start to be asked what he thinks about x aspect of your lives. If he's got any kind of a high powered roll people start subtly attending to him more. Finances can be difficult. If you are used to buying what you want it can be hard to figure out when you need to discuss purchases and when its none of his business because you two are partners.

You work it all out but IMO wrapping all the adjustments you need to make into 'im so fortunate that i feel guilty' might be hiding some other completely natural feelings.

You just have to do what you want.
For me, i want to work part time, and sometimes I feel guilty for thst as used to be full time, but it's hard for us mums, we just have to do what we deem best at the time.

But I couldn't not work, as I like to have my own earnt money. I feel like utter rubbish when I can't buy anything and know I've earnt it. That's a satisfaction only a job can give, in my opinion.