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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who pays care home fees for your PIL/DP?

124 replies

Brightandlight · 03/03/2021 20:46

DH and I have been discussing plans for the coming tax year (he’s an accountant, so a forward planner). I mentioned our plans once school fees are paid soon etc and he countered with “well, we’ll probably have care home fees then”. He’s means for his mother!!

I’m a bit astonished, as I’ve never thought about paying for anyone’s elderly care. My own DP still run their own business despite being well past retirement age. They could pay for their own nursing care if needed.

How do residential care home fees work for your PIL or DM/DF?

MIL’s house is worth approx £300k, which would cover about 5 years of private residential care. Once that’s spent, who covers the fees then? She doesn’t have much in the way of savings/pension etc.

I get on fine with MIL. But we also don’t have the kind of relationship where she’d move in with us or we’d provide physical care ourself. Actually she lives 3 hours away, so it’s not practical to support carers in her house.

OP posts:

WinstonmissesXmas · 03/03/2021 20:50

Most people use their house to pay for care and once all other avenues have been exhausted, the LA step in. Savings have to be no more than around £23K. No choice in where you go at that stage, I don’t think!

yoyo1234 · 03/03/2021 20:52

I would expect her to pay for her fees.

beelzeboob · 03/03/2021 20:54

Why would he expect you both to pay for fees when she has assets? Any inheritance would be subject to tax so it would make financial sense for her to pay for her own fees, even if it’s after she dies

faw2009 · 03/03/2021 20:57

Care home fees are eyewateringly expensive. Once the house money has run out and other savings, the council steps in. Although their idea of an affordable care home could be different, I understand there is an option to do a 3rd party top up.

Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie · 03/03/2021 20:59

I think her children should pay, once her own money has been exhausted. And if her children are married, then it comes from family finances. I would hate to think that a mother would be left with nothing except the pension and LA funding when she has living children and family who are fit and able to work. In my eyes that would be a disgrace. I don't like my MIL and I would never want her to live with me but if she had no finances I would pay whatever necessary to ensure she had a decent quality of life.

1Morewineplease · 03/03/2021 20:59

Their home should pay for their care home fees.
Our mum cost £1650 pw ( SW London) and her home was rented out to contribute towards but we had to sell it in the end.

MichelleScarn · 03/03/2021 21:00

And is he making plans to fund your parents too?

JaceLancs · 03/03/2021 21:03

Research 3rd party top ups - the family have to pay! We weren’t allowed to take it out of DF savings
DB and I split it between us to get him the best care in a nursing home of our choice - as we visited daily further away options were impractical in terms of car fuel costs and time
Thankfully DF was not in nursing home for decades
I also spent quite a while trying to challenge continuing health care decision but lost - we were lucky that DF got nursing care element
Money buys you choice when it comes to care options

Bargebill19 · 03/03/2021 21:04

Mil paid for her own fees. However, we knew that after 5 years her money would run out. At that point, either she would have had to move homes, to one the council would pay for, or we would have had to pay the top up fee ourselves, in order to keep her there.
I went back to work solely to pay for her fees. The money was banked ready.
She died at year three, so we didn’t need to pay after all. But the plan was there.

Original poster

Brightandlight · 03/03/2021 21:32

Thanks all. Interesting to see the mix in how other’s have approached this. Personally I wouldn’t be prepared to cover any top up fees, or for DH to use our family money in this way. So it’s really her house proceeds and any savings that will need to suffice before council support kicks in. I think that will influence the available options of care.

Her lack of savings/pension is down to her own decision to retire very early. My reluctance to pay isn’t about her as a person, she’s nice enough and friendly. Her life has always been about her though and DH has supported himself since age 16, so I didn’t think he’d consider himself morally responsible for paying for care etc.

A couple of years ago, we paid £8k for her to have a private op that had a very long NHS waiting list. In the same year, we also paid £3k towards some urgent house repairs she was concerned about (within 5 months she then spent £5k on a fancy holiday and changed her car!!). So that’s where my wallet snapped shut 😂

An emotive topic, but appreciate the different views and how others approach this topic.

OP posts:

lioncitygirl · 03/03/2021 21:34

We paid it

Oldbutstillgotit · 03/03/2021 21:39

My parents and in-laws are long gone but I have a 102 year aunt in a Nursing Home . She is LA funded and has approximately £30 per week personal money which is spent on chocolate and magazines however I pay for her weekly hair appointment and regular manicure ( in normal times) I also buy her clothes .

Iloveacurry · 03/03/2021 21:43

I would think that most people wouldn’t be in the position to top up care fees. We certainly couldn’t.

calmearth · 03/03/2021 21:44

My Nanna didn't own her home and had no savings so the LA paid part of her fees. My mother & aunts and uncles (between 6 of them) had to top up the rest by several hundreds a month. If they weren't willing to do this she would have ended up in a shitty home, they obviously wanted a nicer home. My grandpa's house was sold to pay for his care, he died before the money ran out. I worked in residential care when I was younger and I think it's quite normal to have family top up a percentage of the fees if their elderly relative live for longer than they expect. Most people go into a home in their 80's and in theory the elderly parents can live for another 10+ years in residential care.

OrigamiOwl · 03/03/2021 21:46

@MichelleScarn

And is he making plans to fund your parents too?

I wondered this too... What are his plans for your parents?

cannotfathom · 03/03/2021 21:46

are fit and able to work. In my eyes that would be a disgrace. I don't like my MIL and I would never want her to live with me but if she had no finances I would pay whatever necessary to ensure she had a decent quality of life.

Oh well that's great that you've got a spare grand a week (at least) for care home fees, most ordinary folk haven't!

MrsClatterbuck · 03/03/2021 21:48

@Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie

So you would be talking about roughly 2.5k to 3.5k a month. Not many families have that to spare each month from family money. What if all 4 inlaws are in a home at the same time or even just 2. They certainly wouldn't be able to put anything away for their own retirement and even help their DC through university or help with a house deposit.

Tagagzjskva · 03/03/2021 21:49

All of her savings and assets should be utilised first, then the choice is either her kids pay for it, or the LA funds it.

I always find it so surprising how people think wealthy people shouldn’t fund their own elderly care. We certainly don’t have socialism for the poor in this country, so why should we have socialism for the rich

TippledPink · 03/03/2021 21:50

I work in adult social care- some homes have a top up that family and friends would be expected to pay. Some don't. Just to let you know, just because the home has a big top up fee, doesn't mean it is better than the one without the top up fee. I have known many homes that the LA fee covers that are much much better than the ones that charge £100-£150 a week top ups.

implantsandaDyson · 03/03/2021 21:53

My parents and their siblings both paid top up fees for their respective mums. I know my mum and her siblings put in about £140 each a month. I think my Dad put in a bit less for his mum, one of his siblings covered most of the cost.

Motnight · 03/03/2021 21:56

I've had to make it really clear to my BIL that I wouldn't be paying anything towards my MIL's care home, should she end up in one. It's scary how some people have done no planning whatsoever around what happens if they need to go into a care home and expect the money to magically appear.

StoneofDestiny · 03/03/2021 22:00

So the parent pays til their assets run out, then you pay til your assets run out? Who pays for the other 3 parents if alive and for your own care when old?

MyLittleOrangutan · 03/03/2021 22:07

Her own money, then LA.
I dont think someone should have to pay their parents care fees. Resources should move forwards, not backwards. But as you said, she made decisions to not save for her care and has lived a good life at your DHs expense, she could have spent that money providing better care for him. Why should he now go without again to provide for her when she didn't do the same.

But then I dont feel this loyalty to parents just for creating you. I will do anything for my mum, she went without food so I could eat. My dad watched me go without while he lived a life of luxury, i wont be contributing to his care when he needs it, because he didn't contribute to mine when I needed it.

EL8888 · 03/03/2021 22:09

She can pay. Especially with the back story of retiring early, hitting you up for medical expenses and house repairs

UmteenthUser · 03/03/2021 22:11

Care should just come out of your own money and assets not expect others family members to fund. It a bit like expecting family to fund a large house when you can only afford a small house or renting.

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