To think I wasn't rude to husbands colleagues?

[catnoirr]

Good Afternoon,

It's been playing on my mind all morning, yesterday I had to go to DH work to collect something. He's just a manager in retail.

As I was waiting a colleague came up to me and was like "Oh you're (dh name) wife, been wondering what you look like!" and started giggling, and then she goes "Aww he's such a good man, he doesn't even flirt with anyone and customers come in asking if he's married, giving their numbers but he just doesn't entertain it! He must really love you a lot!"

I just responded like "That's normal, don't think I'm gonna give him brownie points for acting like a married man" (I said it in a nice tone so not serious or anything)

Dh comes over to give me what I needed and colleague goes "I was just telling your wife how loyal you are compared to previous managers" and Dh just goes "oh yeah, but she doesn't appreciate it" (all jokey!)

I didn't say anything just smiled, said my goodbyes etc then left.

Dh comes home demanding why I was rude to his colleague embarrassing him. I said, I'm sorry but I don't appreciate the first time someone comes up to me gushing how you don't flirt with people lol, It's normal to not be disloyal.
He then goes on about how she's only young and was just trying to be nice (I'm 27, the girl was around 20). I said I don't need reassuring from a stranger lol but now it's just weird.

I'm literally dumbfounded at the whole situation lmao! He's now moody saying I've embarrassed him!
I am heavily pregnant and maybe hormonal but I don't think I'm being unreasonable here?

Which bit was rude? What do you think the OP did wrong?

@catnoirr

It's like little comments keep getting back to me now like when he came home and said "work feel sorry for me, heavily pregnant wife with a toddler, I must be neglected Ha ha ha " now I know exactly who is making these remarks..

Well he should be telling them to stfu & he shouldn't be repeating them to you.

He sounds awful & immature.

Enjoying the drama as much as all of them.

I genuinely thought it was just a normal supermarket now I'm wondering what else goes on

Sounds like a normal supermarket to me

I used to work for ASDA and the amount of affairs/colleagues shagging was quite something, lol.

I can't think why this lady would say this unless she was trying to make you feel GOOD, she was letting you know how loyal your partner is to you! People have made similar comments to my boyfriend and it made him feel very happy. I don't see how it could be negative... don't most people want a loyal partner? It was one young lady telling another what she thought she would want to hear...

The words themselves didn't sound rude but tone, facial expressions etc can affect how a conversation is received so it's difficult to say as we weren't there.

YA definitely BU to say 'He's just a manager in retail'
Why 'just'?

The colleague sounds very silly and immature. And a bit of a troublemaker.

It's very telling of her that she has clearly complained to your husband about you as soon as she got the chance and has made herself an issue within your marriage.

She's definitely practiced her technique on previous managers.

@MrsTophamHat

I think she was being weird, but also given that it is his workplace, I think i would have swiftly changed the subject rather than go silent and make it awkward. She may have been the catalyst but I wouldn't be giving her the satisfaction of regaling the tea room with a tale of how she met the manager's wife and it was awkward.

"Make it awkward" ?????

 I'd have wiped the floor with the slimy bitch.

OP I think I know what is happening here- I worked in a place that got like this when I was in my early 20s - for us, we worked an incredibly long festive season, we were understaffed and so it felt like we never went home (it was a shop- but not a supermarket) We had camaraderie to start, then it became almost hysteria where we found each other hilarious, did stupid pranks on each other, several people had 'dalliances' (some were married) and were caught snogging in cupboards etc. We started attracting the attention of the shopping centre security guards who would drop in all the time, and a few regular customers who became like friends of the store. At this time, we could still go to the pub etc so this didn't help- it felt like a haze of drinking, hangovers, stupid pranks ,sex and 'naughtiness' whilst working for a professional company. It lasted about 6 weeks and I look on it now with embarrassment - could it be that Covid has made the store like this (not as dramatic obvs) but as no one can socialise etc maybe work has become everything to them - an escape form Lockdown etc?

You weren't rude. She was being daft/weird - just young and silly I imagine, and clearly fancies your DP. It's possible she felt caught out when you were a little formal and told your DH she thought you were annoyed with her to protect herself from potential criticism from you OR she thinks that joking about er indoors with her manager is a way to ingratiate herself with him. Or both.

What is a little more concerning is your DH taking this silly girl seriously. I'd also find it annoying that he said 'yeah but she doesn't appreciate it' about you, because it's tired wife banter - but equally he needs to manage in a particular environment and this kind of tired humour is probably an easy way of creating a relaxed atmosphere for young staff etc

I'd just say to him - no one wants their partners colleague to talk about their partner sexually - you understand she's young and immature but she needs to understand boundaries. I'd also slip in that you can see that she fancies DP - that's bound to happen with young girls as staff etc - but she needs to learn that taking about a man in this way in front of his wife is rude and would make anyone uncomfortable.

I'd just be firm with him but not go on about it. I don't think there is any reason to worry about your DP, but I do think it's worth drawing his attention to the fact that you can see she fancies him, as any bloke in that position needs to be careful with that stuff.

• She’s not jealous. She’s 20, you’re 27. People in their early 20s couldn’t care less about a 27 year old - to her you’re ancient, you’re even different generations. There’s absolutely no competition as neither of you are on her radar. I hate this rhetoric that younger women at work must be trying to steal your partner - when in reality she has better options than a practically 30 year old retail manager

The conversation was awkward but you were objectively rude. There’s other ways to navigate an awkward conversation. Your husband is at fault if this conversation made you uncomfortable - he feels comfortable enough to discuss this with her, and in turn she felt comfortable enough to discuss this with you. She was overfamiliar due to his overfamiliarity so didn’t realise she crossed a boundary. He could reign in discussing you at work to set boundaries*

This was not my experience of retail in my teens/early twenties. The other girls my age were routinely trying to shag the older good looking (often married or heavily settled down) management.

Even the less attractive guys seemed to do ok if they were in a management position, I personally never understood it but obviously the ability to dish out the preferable jobs or overlook an extended lunch break were a real panty dropper.

Personally I think it was just a bit of weird Stockholm syndrome stuck in these shitty shops with the same people every day!

She hugely overstepped boundaries and I'm slightly concerned that as a manager he doesn't seem concerned by this.

At best she is a young woman with a silly crush and doesn't know how to handle it professionally, at worst she's a workplace flirt who likes to plant seeds that the men at work must be so hard done to at home and she's fresh and fun, not like the other women. 🙄

I work in retail.
'Just'? Aren't we the unsung heroes right now ?

• I’m 28 btw so not like it was 30 years ago I was experiencing this^

@catnoirr

It's like little comments keep getting back to me now like when he came home and said "work feel sorry for me, heavily pregnant wife with a toddler, I must be neglected Ha ha ha " now I know exactly who is making these remarks..

Nice. You are heavily pregnant and running around after a toddler, but he's the one who gets the sympathy.

I think this is probably much more likely OP. My DH is good looking sure but incredibly nice and has a ...I don’t know the word, the kind of job glamorized in books & movies I guess. He gets this sometimes and I’ve always just written it off as very young silliness. He’s 35 with a wife and several children...they don’t actually want him. If you trust him I wouldn’t waste precious energy worrying over what she might or might not have meant - and at 20 I said a lot of stupid things to strangers too!

Aw where’s my quote gone; I was meant to be agreeing with @flakymate

Which bit was rude? What do you think the OP did wrong?

Is that for me? What I meant was the colleague at work may have been rude to the OP because she (the colleague) was used to having one kind of relationship with the people she works with but then got the wrong tone with her colleague's wife (the OP) on the back of that. However, since the OP's DH is used to the way they talk to each other, it seemed rude to him. But only because he works there and is used to it.

That’s one of those annoying situations where she says something a bit immature, inappropriate and weird, which makes anything you reply sound a bit touchy. Don’t worry about it - let it go.

@DavidsSchitt

"I don’t know your husband so can’t say how best to handle it"

You don't know his colleague either. Yet you called her several names and seem really very triggered by her.

Are you sure you're not projecting? @Mmn654123

Not in the slightest - the Op is heavily pregnant and her instincts are spot on. She reacted the way she did because she felt that the girl was being inappropriate. Her husband reacted by being defensive of said girl, rather than recognising she was behaving like a silly little girl and being inappropriate in her conversation with his wife. As her manager he should have seen that as a red flag for how she talks to other colleagues and customers. Husband has a blind spot with this girl.

FYI I’ve never been cheated on and at 20 I was more likely to be the silly little girl than the worried wife. But now I am old and wise and I’ve seen too many people cross their fingers and not act - but it’s easy to make a man see a young women as an irritating nuisance if you try. I don’t believe anything has happened yet based on what op has said. And he already finds the girl a bit annoying. Op just needs to build on that and problem solved.

As pp said sounds like she fancies hin

She was the rude one. Completely inappropriate and over familiar.

And yet you h is having a go at you? Something isn't right one bit here.

You dh sounds a bit of a nob tbh.

It doesn't sound like she fancies him at all... she was trying to bond with his wife and make her feel good... there's literally no indication that she fancies him

[quote OhCaptain]@Mmn654123 yes, I suppose OP could start manipulating her husband.

Personally, I prefer to be married to a man that I don’t have to play mind games and pick me games with. But everyone’s different. 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Don’t be naive. We manipulate and influence people every minute of every day in the words we choose and the way we emphasise specific words and what we elect to do with our non verbal cues.

Op isn’t powerless and it isn’t evil to steer your partner out of the path of trouble before they even realise they are walking into it.

@Sweet666

I can't think why this lady would say this unless she was trying to make you feel GOOD, she was letting you know how loyal your partner is to you! People have made similar comments to my boyfriend and it made him feel very happy. I don't see how it could be negative... don't most people want a loyal partner? It was one young lady telling another what she thought she would want to hear...

All depends on the tone and the body language. I’m sure it didn’t raise ops hackles because she’s over sensitive.