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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DH I’m not changing the house for his mother?

144 replies

herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 20:17

Sorry I had to change user name for this question. To sum up - MIL has been staying with us since Dec and now says she wants us to convert the basement to become more of a flat for her. DH has asked me to organise this.

I have to admit I have posted about his mother before some years ago because we already did a basement conversion for her in a previous house. As it was being finished (all to her spec) she changed her mind about moving in, so DH then had to get her a flat nearby. This was a total headache for him as she suffers from anxiety and was frequently calling him out in the middle if the night because she was paranoid about intruders. I would describe her as very eccentric in various ways (too many to list).

We ended up moving a few miles away. Not entirely because of her behaviour, but mainly to be nearer the kids’ schools. But now she wants to move in again to this house because the bridge is closed and she says she will feel cut off and lonely.

I can cope with her staying with us kind of indefinitely - that’s one thing - but the thought of putting a mini kitchen in the basement (as they were discussing earlier) is filling me with blind rage, if I can be absolutely honest here. There is nothing wrong with the basement as it is - it has two rooms (one she has been using as a bedroom, one as a living room) and a new bathroom. We’ve only been here a year or so. DH will not say no to his mother as he’s responsible for her. I understand this, but also I feel as if I will explode.

But I’m aware she is an elderly person and his mother, obviously. AIBU to flat refuse this or am I being petulant? I don’t mind people being honest if I am. AIBU?

OP posts:

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 03/03/2021 02:05

Surely it would be better if she moves into a retirement complex or warden assisted housing where she will have security, assistance and company all on hand. I would be suggesting your DH starts looking at places like that for his mother.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 03/03/2021 02:11

I didn't actually read part this part because the only answer to this, surely, is "fuck off and sort it yourself?"

MixedUpFiles · 03/03/2021 02:33

If she is going to live with you, I would want to make her space as independent as possible. However, he should be the person doing all the planning and supervising everything. You shouldn’t have to do any work either physical or mental.

yourfaceisaforeignfood · 03/03/2021 03:11

You have posted about your family set up many, many many times. I would find aspects of it highly annoying too but it very much seems to be the trade off expected by him for a partner who has/earns very, very large sums of money and expects his busyness, importance and ability to finance you ‘outsourcing’ these types of problems. This would seem to be exacerbated by cultural considerations that you know and appreciate.

Yes it’s annoying (his mum’s actions especially) will that change? Probably not.

violetbunny · 03/03/2021 07:14

You are 100% not being unreasonable. I also remember your previous threads. Just say no, for goodness sake. Why is it your husband's decision? You have a massive DH problem in my opinion.

Navilana · 03/03/2021 08:00

@Eddielzzard

Well, speaking from experience, the sooner you get comfortable with 'being the difficult one' the better, because it's clear your DH isn't going to stand up to her.

This. 100%, with bells on, jingles playing, the lot.

I'm sorry, I don't know your back story, but from what I read, this is an endless saga of you trying to please your MIL. Where and when does that end?

You said you have 4 kids...? Isn't it completely normal to be "the bad one" on some occasions, then? I assume your kids have been brought up with healthy boundaries and morals, so they will understand your stance in this.
So should your husband.

This is YOUR family. If your MIL fails to understand she cannot behave like an unreasonable toddler in her terrible 2's, it is her problem. If your husband can't grasp the fact that you are not The Facilitator Of Wishes, it is his problem.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/03/2021 08:19

I would just stick a little row of units in a corner with a basic two ring electric hob, and get her a microwave, toaster & kettle. You could add a slow cooker that can be stored away in a cupboard. That gives her enough to be independent without involving much work or cost for you.

It sounds like you maybe have a wider question in terms of the dynamic of your/DH relationship with her though

SugarfreeBlitz · 03/03/2021 08:30

Divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour if he doesn't listen to your feelings. You should not have your MIL living in your house unless you love her and want her to.

Like others say, you will end up her unpaid carer, if she stays. You should be looking at building regulations and fire regulations if you do want to have someone live in your basement.

It is illegal to have someone live in your basement without the proper Fire Safety standards. It is also necessary to seek planning permission to register a change of use, I think. You need to make sure all of the regulations are legal (if you do even want her in your home)

If you are being coerced into this, seek help because coercion is domestic violence and is against the law.

Original poster

herdownstairs · 03/03/2021 10:09

Hi, I talked to DH last night and I said to him I don’t think it’s right that he should just be telling his mum she can have x,y,z and assume I’m ok with it. This went on to a wider debate because when we moved here, the house was a massive project (as in new wiring, plumbing, the lot). At the outset, he said he was fine to move but wouldn’t have time to get into any renovation details, so literally, he just walked in the house when it was finished after almost a year - never met the builders or anything. I don’t think he realises how much work it was and also you get to a point where you just want to live in a house with no disruption from workmen or anything else and this is where I’m at. Anyway, he has apologised and he does agree that his mother is demanding but he says don’t worry and he’s taken it all in board and doesn’t want me to get stressed at all. So I’ll let him deal with her. Thankyou so much.

Also, (just in case) regarding fire regulations - although I called it a basement, it’s really lower ground floor in the sense the window is half under street level at the front but ground level at the back straight onto the garden. I guess the same regulations still apply though? It’s already self-contained in the sense of has its own front door down there, but it’s not closed off from the rest of the house.

OP posts:

GrapeHyacinth · 03/03/2021 10:21

I used to work with a guy who owned a 2 bed flat. His Aunt came to stay and was there for ages. He said in his culture you can't ask a family member to leave, so he sold his 2 bed flat and bought a 1 bed flat as a way of getting her out! Seems an extreme thing to have to do to get someone out!

DuncinToffee · 03/03/2021 10:41

What does he will deal with her mean? Is he going to tell her 'no, we won' t install a kitchen' or will he (they) go ahead with it regardless?
Saying he is taking it all on board doesn't mean much.

LovePoppy · 03/03/2021 13:11

I’ve not read past OP

A) Being responsible for his mother doesn’t mean not saying no
B) If he wants a kitchen for her he can organize it. It’s not your job.
C) no! Jeepers, no!

kingdomcapers · 03/03/2021 14:19

A small word of caution from my own experience. DH's mum decided her mum needed more looking after more. Plans were drawn up to extend their home to accommodate her (she was footing bill from sale of her own house) and right at last minute Granny dug her heels in and refused to move in. I suspect she never really wanted to but Mil was a very hard woman to say no to. Long story short mil pre-deceased gran by nearly 10 years. I can't imagine what would've happened as fil is absolutely hopeless and as soon as mil died we really had to step up and help him out, eventually getting him to downsize to a retirement flat. Granny was still living independently at this point and had 2 sons who had to step up (previously they'd been happy to let mil do whatever was needed). Trying to untangle who was doing what, how much everyone was due, where everyone was living would've been so hard, all I know is fil wouldn't have maintained the status quo, providing support and care for his mil for 10 years. So before you agree to any changes to your home ask yourself " could I cope with this scenario if DH wasn't here?"

kingdomcapers · 03/03/2021 14:20

Not that I'm wishing any ill on him

2bazookas · 03/03/2021 14:52

Could you compromise; put a microwave, kettle and toaster in the basement and tell her if she needs any more advanced cooking to use the family kitchen.

BlueThistles · 03/03/2021 19:06

good stuff OP 🌺

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/03/2021 22:26

Well done

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/03/2021 23:40

He has apologised and he does agree that his mother is demanding but he says don’t worry and he’s taken it all in board and doesn’t want me to get stressed at all

Yeah, good luck with that

On the previous renovations, you said he "just walked in the house when it was finished after almost a year - never met the builders or anything." Please don't say you did it all instead??

Navilana · 04/03/2021 13:12

Not buying his shushing.

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