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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH I’m not changing the house for his mother?

144 replies

herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 20:17

Sorry I had to change user name for this question. To sum up - MIL has been staying with us since Dec and now says she wants us to convert the basement to become more of a flat for her. DH has asked me to organise this.

I have to admit I have posted about his mother before some years ago because we already did a basement conversion for her in a previous house. As it was being finished (all to her spec) she changed her mind about moving in, so DH then had to get her a flat nearby. This was a total headache for him as she suffers from anxiety and was frequently calling him out in the middle if the night because she was paranoid about intruders. I would describe her as very eccentric in various ways (too many to list).

We ended up moving a few miles away. Not entirely because of her behaviour, but mainly to be nearer the kids’ schools. But now she wants to move in again to this house because the bridge is closed and she says she will feel cut off and lonely.

I can cope with her staying with us kind of indefinitely - that’s one thing - but the thought of putting a mini kitchen in the basement (as they were discussing earlier) is filling me with blind rage, if I can be absolutely honest here. There is nothing wrong with the basement as it is - it has two rooms (one she has been using as a bedroom, one as a living room) and a new bathroom. We’ve only been here a year or so. DH will not say no to his mother as he’s responsible for her. I understand this, but also I feel as if I will explode.

But I’m aware she is an elderly person and his mother, obviously. AIBU to flat refuse this or am I being petulant? I don’t mind people being honest if I am. AIBU?

OP posts:
MessAllOver · 02/03/2021 21:52

Tell your DH to sort it. And then sort it right back for the kids when she leaves.

DuncinToffee · 02/03/2021 21:52

I remember your previous threads and YANBU. Sadly it doesn't sound like your husband has changed much, you are still not a priority to him.

Original poster
herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 21:54

I will have to say to DH that I can’t cope with fitting anything down there and I will tell him it will affect my mental health. She can bring whatever stuff she wants but he will have to sort that anyway. If she wants an island type thing on wheels we will do that and it’s probably all we can do because of the council tax and fire regulations. Sorry, I just got overwhelmed with it all today. He will have to tell her.

OP posts:
DorotheaDiamond · 02/03/2021 21:54

You may have an issue with your mortgage company (if you have one)...in the dim depths of my mind I have a feeling that they won’t lend on properties with 2 kitchens...

Jux · 02/03/2021 21:55

Just don't do it. Prioritise your children. The basement is set up to benefit you and your children and you want to keep it like that and won't risk another change of mind from your MIL.

Nacreous · 02/03/2021 21:56

I said earlier just do a low key thing. On second thoughts, she's in her early 70s - do you seriously want her there for maybe 20 years?! She needs to be back in her own place IMO.

PopUpName · 02/03/2021 21:56

Um, OP. It's not about who is sorting the kitchen. It's about whether you want her living in your home fulltime.

And I don't think that you do.

This is your home. You get to say no.

Nothinglikeachocolatebrownie · 02/03/2021 21:57

I don't understand why this is your burden. Why has your DH outsourced his mother to you? It is his mother. He needs to sort this not you. He needs to make sure everyone in his home is happy and comfortable, not you.

Weirdlynormal · 02/03/2021 21:58

As she gets older, you’ll be worried she’ll burn the house in that kitchen. I’d never provide it so you don’t have to take it away.

WaltzingBetty · 02/03/2021 21:58

@herdownstairs

I will have to say to DH that I can’t cope with fitting anything down there and I will tell him it will affect my mental health. She can bring whatever stuff she wants but he will have to sort that anyway. If she wants an island type thing on wheels we will do that and it’s probably all we can do because of the council tax and fire regulations. Sorry, I just got overwhelmed with it all today. He will have to tell her.
Why is looking after her your job?

His mother, his life admin. Not yours.

lpsandmore · 02/03/2021 22:02

I don't know if this has been mentioned already, but be very careful about a second kitchen. We have one in an inherited property and it is a nightmare trying to get a mortgage.

RhubarbAndRoses · 02/03/2021 22:02

Would it not be better to have her out of your hair? If I were you I’d want my MIL out of my sight as much as possible! Wouldn’t it be even more annoying having her cooking in your kitchen?

mumwon · 02/03/2021 22:03

caravan on driveway complete with her own (bloody) kitchen (& during the night if she gets difficult you can move it Grin)

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/03/2021 22:05

@user1493494961

Give her a kettle.
And some pot noodles.
SmileYouDown · 02/03/2021 22:05

.

justasking111 · 02/03/2021 22:07

@WeatherwaxLives

An ex colleague converted a garage into a granny flat for their mother, but had to make sure not to have cooking facilities as that made it a seperate dwelling for council tax purposes.

Like PP I'd also be concerned about fire escape routes and also fire proofing between the basement and the main house upstairs.

As she flaked out on it last minute last time I'd not be putting myself out at all to let history repeat itself.

The fire 🔥 risk worried me to. You could contact the fire brigade for advice, that would give you an out I suspect
Artandlove · 02/03/2021 22:08

If my partners Mum moved in like that I think we would probably both move out! You sound like you are being really accommodating and not being unreasonable to not put a kitchen in the basement. To be fair, if it was my ex partners Mum I would have loved her to move in but still would think with the space she currently has to just use the same kitchen as us.

Original poster
herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 22:08

When she’s in her own place it’s difficult in a different way as she gets very paranoid about being broken into. She gets panic attacks and this kind of thing. She was convinced the security cameras were operated by spies at one point. She had never really lived alone and she was calling DH in the night and he has to go over to her. She did get better, but not completely snd still has her moments. So in a way, it’s easier to just have her here because she’s much less paranoid.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 02/03/2021 22:09

@Weirdlynormal

As she gets older, you’ll be worried she’ll burn the house in that kitchen. I’d never provide it so you don’t have to take it away.
That's my worry the fire risk
Blondeshavemorefun · 02/03/2021 22:17

No need to put in a kitchen

A fridge/freezer. Kettle. Toaster. Microwave and halogen oven about £35. I use ours all the time and rarely Use oven

Original poster
herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 22:18

Yes I would worry about the fire risk going into the future and it’s just not necessary. If DH wants, he can say it’s banned by the council or something like that. Maybe it is? Feeling very relieved, so thank you for all this.

OP posts:
gg12346 · 02/03/2021 22:22

How old is your MIL ? .Does she has any other health issues apart from anxiety .Can she be perfectly alright to stay on her own ?.Because it might happen that you refuse now and then something awful happens to her ,looking to her old age and you regret deeply later .Also if you don't want to be carer for her , you should come upfront with your husband .

DeRigueurMortis · 02/03/2021 22:23

You need to decide if you can cope with her living with you or not.

You either say no or stop complaining.

If you are ok in her staying the DH needs to pull his finger out and start helping out and not just dictating that you do all the organisation.

You MIL also needs to stand by her decisions.

If she can afford a flat she can afford a kitchen. You might find she's more incentivised to stick by her plans and like the accommodations if she's funded them.

As for a kitchen I'd recommend a "kitchen in a cupboard". Not cheap but has everything she would need and can be tidied away easily.

To tell DH I’m not changing the house for his mother?
To tell DH I’m not changing the house for his mother?
Caramelwhispers · 02/03/2021 22:25

How about a small IKEA kitchenette, modular cabinets with a small electric hob?

IKEA KITCHENETTE

gg12346 · 02/03/2021 22:25

This happened with my SIL mother in law .OP old people do get eccentric and also a bit of paranoid to be honest .My SIL refused and then one day she fell into the bathroom and broke her leg .She was hospitalized for sometime and then send back. My SIL deeply regrets it till date .