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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH I’m not changing the house for his mother?

144 replies

herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 20:17

Sorry I had to change user name for this question. To sum up - MIL has been staying with us since Dec and now says she wants us to convert the basement to become more of a flat for her. DH has asked me to organise this.

I have to admit I have posted about his mother before some years ago because we already did a basement conversion for her in a previous house. As it was being finished (all to her spec) she changed her mind about moving in, so DH then had to get her a flat nearby. This was a total headache for him as she suffers from anxiety and was frequently calling him out in the middle if the night because she was paranoid about intruders. I would describe her as very eccentric in various ways (too many to list).

We ended up moving a few miles away. Not entirely because of her behaviour, but mainly to be nearer the kids’ schools. But now she wants to move in again to this house because the bridge is closed and she says she will feel cut off and lonely.

I can cope with her staying with us kind of indefinitely - that’s one thing - but the thought of putting a mini kitchen in the basement (as they were discussing earlier) is filling me with blind rage, if I can be absolutely honest here. There is nothing wrong with the basement as it is - it has two rooms (one she has been using as a bedroom, one as a living room) and a new bathroom. We’ve only been here a year or so. DH will not say no to his mother as he’s responsible for her. I understand this, but also I feel as if I will explode.

But I’m aware she is an elderly person and his mother, obviously. AIBU to flat refuse this or am I being petulant? I don’t mind people being honest if I am. AIBU?

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 02/03/2021 21:15

You won't make her happy.
So do what makes you happy.

Hoorayforsunshine · 02/03/2021 21:16

I posted before seeing your responses.

You definitely shouldn’t be putting in anything fixed - you don’t want to and have worked to make the space as you want it.

Your DH talks about making her happy but it sounds like she isn’t someone who will be happy easily. You aren’t responsible for her happiness, only your own (and to not harm your children and look out for their well being).

strudsespark · 02/03/2021 21:16

Then ask your dh, if he would like it if 'the younger friend' moved in too and what implications that would have on you and your dc.

Eddielzzard · 02/03/2021 21:17

Well, speaking from experience, the sooner you get comfortable with 'being the difficult one' the better, because it's clear your DH isn't going to stand up to her.

PanamaPattie · 02/03/2021 21:18

Don't bother wasting time and money. She will only be happy when she's living with DH and looking after him. Just the two of them.

LunaHeather · 02/03/2021 21:21

OP I don't know how you put up with this. Your DH needs to tackle it.

you mention her feeling cut off because the bridge is closed....why do I have a strange feeling you mean the Hammersmith Bridge?

She is quite mad and you shouldn't have to suffer. How old is she btw?

LunaHeather · 02/03/2021 21:22

@PanamaPattie

Don't bother wasting time and money. She will only be happy when she's living with DH and looking after him. Just the two of them.
This is actually a good idea, they can live together.
Original poster
herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 21:24

Thanks for the responses because I don’t think I’m unreasonable, but sometimes I just need to check before I say something because I have to be 100% definite with DH or he doesn’t take it on board. Also, this is a sensitive subject for him obviously.

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 02/03/2021 21:24

@herdownstairs

This is the thing I have said to DH, that even if she has her kitchen set up how she wants it down there, she will no doubt still position herself most of the time in the main kitchen anyway. She won’t be down there like old mother hubbard on her own! Alxo, she has a “friendship” with a younger man. She’s had the vaccine now so maybe that will pick up again and she’ll want to cook for him sometimes if he can get here. But mainly what annoys me, is I will end up looking like the difficult one on this. I don’t think I should be in this position in the first place, but DH will say he understands but he doesn’t because to him, his mother’s behaviour is normal.
Just say no. Tell him you don't want it.

That last time she put you in therapy.
Just say no

Original poster
herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 21:25

She is now early 70s but very active. No physical health issues.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 02/03/2021 21:26

Shrug shoulders, hands in the air- Im not stopping you dh. Make it nothing not easily removable and I will have anything not fire safe taken out immediately if she ever leaves the hot plate on, and I think you’re very optimistic about keeping her happy - I have done this before remember and she wasn’t in the slightest bit happy. For now, someone has to prioritise our children who are at key periods in their life, so while you make plans to take away the casual space for them that we bought the house for, I am going to concentrate on them.

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 02/03/2021 21:26

I remember your previous thread on this subject OP, which is saying something because I generally am totally oblivious to any back story that PPs pick up on.

YANBU and I do think in terms of your DH, he pleases his mum at your expense because she's the one that makes his life difficult and causes him aggravation more than you do. All I will say at this point OP is that perhaps the balance of aggro in this family needs to swing the other way, not least because she is eventually going to become infirm and then you will never get rid of her. At least now while she has her faculties it is totally possible to get her a lovely flat, perhaps in a nice retirement village, all the facilities where she can entertain her younger man to her hearts content.

But keep her out of your basement and don't get her a bloody kitchen!

ParadiseIsland · 02/03/2021 21:30

I’d say YES but your DH needs to organise it.
I suspect not a lot will be done....

LunaHeather · 02/03/2021 21:31

@herdownstairs

She is now early 70s but very active. No physical health issues.
I don't want to scare you but this could go on another 20 years, it has to be stopped. Even if it means DH moving out.
MichelleScarn · 02/03/2021 21:32

Sorry op if its been asked before, or if they are no longer around, what would your dh say if you said your parents or another family member also wanted to move in?

Cameleongirl · 02/03/2021 21:32

My question would be how long she's actually planning to stay - is she planning to sell her house and move in permanently with you?

Unless that's the case, she'll presumably go home when the restrictions are completely lifted in June, possibly earlier as things open up. So what's the point?

I'd say that you want to wait and see how everything pans out over the next few months. I bet she'll be back in her own home by late spring.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/03/2021 21:37

Last time, I was so upset what she did, I can’t tell you ... I had over a year in therapy - I’m not saying it was because of her, but she did come up a lot in the sessions

I remember your previous thread, and why are you even thinking of doing this again - especially when your DH seems to think that organising it is your job? She might be healthy now, but that'll change one day and no doubt caring for her will be "your job" too

Unless you're happy to become her drudge, you might want to start being a bit more assertive instead of thinking about kitchens - he might not be able to tell her no, but that doesn't mean you can't do the same to him

Dustyboots · 02/03/2021 21:41

I’d say YES but your DH needs to organise it.
I suspect not a lot will be done....

I think this is likely to be the least difficult option. Least conflict. Also most likely to lead to basement left as it is.

Original poster
herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 21:41

The reason I feel bad is because I had a quite serious health scare earlier this year and she was very kind to me and helped so much actually. So I do worry about her too and also, if she’s not happy, it’s a lot more stressful for DH because this is when she becomes more erratic. My own mother is overseas, so that’s another thing. But she would never want to move in with us!

OP posts:
therocinante · 02/03/2021 21:41

The old Mumsnet line of 'you have a DH problem' is unfortunately true here.

He's putting his (difficult) mother's needs first at the expense of his wife and children. Your problem here is with him - if this is important to you, and it should be because it will wreck your mental health having her there constantly, then he needs to know that it's a line you don't want to cross.

First it'll be demands over how it's decorated. Then she'll be in your space all the time with her other 'eccentricies' and demands, not happy with anything. Do you want that? Can your mental health and your relationship with your husband survive that? If it can't, and mine couldn't, then you need to make that very very clear to him

FeckinCat · 02/03/2021 21:42

DH just thinks if we can make her happy in her old age, then we should.

And what's he planning to do about making his wife happy?

His mother's wants are not more important than the needs of an entre family.

PopUpName · 02/03/2021 21:44

Say no. And mean it. And if he insists and goes ahead anyway, inviting someone to live in your house, then ask him to leave. He can find an apartment for the two of them, live happily ever after with Mum, and have the kids EOW. Good luck to him.

Ellie56 · 02/03/2021 21:46

She's been staying with you since December? Shock How are you still sane?

Quite frankly I would put my foot down and say No.

No you are not doing any organising.

No you are not putting a mini kitchen in the basement. That is the space you created for your children not her. As they get older they will need that space more and more.

No you are not wasting any more money doing things to your house that you don't need.

No she is not going to be entertaining her man friend in your space; she has her own house that she can go back to.

No she is not moving in with you permanently.

NO NO NO. Just no.

ParadiseIsland · 02/03/2021 21:46

if she’s not happy, it’s a lot more stressful for DH because this is when she becomes more erratic

That doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to just dump the issue onto you. Not does it mean it’s ok for him to make you unhappy instead.
It’s his mum. He needs to take SOME responsibility at least about the whole thing.
And if that means he is getting stressed, then so be it. Why should it be you and not him ?

I’d say just be careful not to become a martyr (and end up extremely ressentful and in therapy again) because you somehow don’t want to see him stressed. And you dint want to see her unhappy ‘because she has bene kind to you this year’
Because I very much doubt that whatever she did to help you was done at her detriment and affected her MH the way it’s going to affect yours.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/03/2021 21:49

The reason I feel bad is because I had a quite serious health scare earlier this year and she was very kind to me and helped so much

Why would that make you feel bad when it's simply what most families do? Okay so she helped, but that doesn't mean she has to move in and take over your life, and at least now it's mainly him who gets stressed when she's erratic rather than the entire family

As PPs have said you've got a DH problem, so either you deal with this now or wait for it to get a whole lot worse once she's living there ... your choice

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