Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH I’m not changing the house for his mother?

144 replies

herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 20:17

Sorry I had to change user name for this question. To sum up - MIL has been staying with us since Dec and now says she wants us to convert the basement to become more of a flat for her. DH has asked me to organise this.

I have to admit I have posted about his mother before some years ago because we already did a basement conversion for her in a previous house. As it was being finished (all to her spec) she changed her mind about moving in, so DH then had to get her a flat nearby. This was a total headache for him as she suffers from anxiety and was frequently calling him out in the middle if the night because she was paranoid about intruders. I would describe her as very eccentric in various ways (too many to list).

We ended up moving a few miles away. Not entirely because of her behaviour, but mainly to be nearer the kids’ schools. But now she wants to move in again to this house because the bridge is closed and she says she will feel cut off and lonely.

I can cope with her staying with us kind of indefinitely - that’s one thing - but the thought of putting a mini kitchen in the basement (as they were discussing earlier) is filling me with blind rage, if I can be absolutely honest here. There is nothing wrong with the basement as it is - it has two rooms (one she has been using as a bedroom, one as a living room) and a new bathroom. We’ve only been here a year or so. DH will not say no to his mother as he’s responsible for her. I understand this, but also I feel as if I will explode.

But I’m aware she is an elderly person and his mother, obviously. AIBU to flat refuse this or am I being petulant? I don’t mind people being honest if I am. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 22:31

Thankyou so much for this. I had thought of IKEA and also the place where I got our kitchen has a freestanding range. That cupboard is really good - I like that (and no hob)!

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 02/03/2021 22:32

Just the add the kitchen above has a fridge , sink, induction hob, combination oven/microwave, sockets, counter space and storage for pans/utensils/crockery/glassware.

Basically everything you need and all electric so no fire risk like with gas.

You have to connect to water/electricity but it's essentially free standing so if you wanted to take it out at a later date you could sell it - though if you have teens I think they'd get use from it if the space becomes theirs in the future.

I'm just suggesting this as it would be an easy solution and she can't complain she hasn't got everything she needs - you (or rather DH) just have to order one thing and then it's up to her to put her things in it.

It would also mean she might spend less time in your kitchen as it's so well equipped.

DeRigueurMortis · 02/03/2021 22:33

@herdownstairs

Thankyou so much for this. I had thought of IKEA and also the place where I got our kitchen has a freestanding range. That cupboard is really good - I like that (and no hob)!
It does have a hob - induction so low fire risk (cool to the touch even when on - needs a pan on it to work).
RandomMess · 02/03/2021 22:33

If you have a 2nd kitchen there are also house insurance implications.

Tell DH to sort it, don't take on the mental load of it all.

DeRigueurMortis · 02/03/2021 22:35

Apparently you can specify it without a hob if you want...

Original poster
herdownstairs · 02/03/2021 22:38

I will take a screenshot of the cupboard kitchen and show him this. Thanks so much. I think she might well go for that. Smile

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/03/2021 22:40

When she’s in her own place it’s difficult in a different way as she gets very paranoid about being broken into

So what's wrong with some kind of sheltered accommodation?

This thread is going exactly the same way as the earlier one, and I can't believe you're worrying about kitchen equipment when there's a vastly bigger issue involved - especially since it drove you into therapy last time

BlueThistles · 02/03/2021 22:47

I wouldn't convert anything ... 🌺

Wackadoo · 02/03/2021 22:50

Why are your DH and his mother running the show and making all the decisions?

What about your needs, wants, opinion, input? This doesn't seem like an equal partnership between you and your DH at all. From your previous thread, it seems that he has very little respect or care for you. You seem to be just staff to him. Are you honestly okay with this?

DuncinToffee · 02/03/2021 22:56

but the thought of putting a mini kitchen in the basement (as they were discussing earlier) is filling me with blind rage

You need to hold onto that rage instead of looking into cupboard kitchens.

DeRigueurMortis · 02/03/2021 22:56

@Wackadoo

Why are your DH and his mother running the show and making all the decisions?

What about your needs, wants, opinion, input? This doesn't seem like an equal partnership between you and your DH at all. From your previous thread, it seems that he has very little respect or care for you. You seem to be just staff to him. Are you honestly okay with this?

Whilst trying to be helpful about the kitchen in a cupboard I'd also say I agree with the above.

The picture I posted is a US version but you can get similar in the U.K. (just google kitchen in a cupboard).

Or you could get a kitchen company to make you one. Not cheap but it keeps the space practical, tidy and multi-purpose for the future.

I would still reiterate if that's what she wants she should fund it and your DH should take point on ordering/organising as you'll still have additional work to ensure the cupboard can be connected to the electricity and water supply.

GreenlandTheMovie · 02/03/2021 22:58

DH has asked me to organise this.

What sort of relationship is this? Who is paying for it? Why can't you just say "no, your mother, you do it"?

Why does your DH even get to "ask you to organise things?"

It will probably mean you incur an additional council tax charge if the basement becomes self contained. Again, who pays for this? Even if she moves out, it will continue until its converted back again and formally re-assesed.

Mind you, a kitchen would possibly increase the value of your home and keep her out of your way (hopefully).

thosetalesofunexpected · 02/03/2021 23:08

@herdownstairs

You do know are aware you as the female of the household will be in reality be expected to do the lions share of looking after your mother in. Law.

It be better for you for your mother in law to go into sheltered housing/or a nursing home for the elderly op.

Its just not fair on you.

Why on earth can't anybody else on your husbands family side help out share the load for mother in law health and well being then?
Has your husband got sisters or brothers op?
Get them involved in some ways too?
why should they not be weighed down with responsiblity aswell op?

7yo7yo · 02/03/2021 23:08

Op your trying to make your DH and his mum happy at the expense of you and your kids.
Never mind yourself, put your kids first. They deserve that place. Say no. Your DH will have to compromise at some point.
And start telling her her “friend” can’t come round.
Implement some rules, she’ll soon want to go back.

TatianaBis · 02/03/2021 23:10

DH organises this or it doesn’t happen.

thosetalesofunexpected · 02/03/2021 23:11

@herdownstairs

You will lumbered with your mother in law like a ball and chain around your ankles.

will you be able to have any couple time at all?
attending her every needs/whims op?

Glamflimfloogety · 02/03/2021 23:22

DH has asked me to organise this

Why is it your responsibility? She's his bloody mother so why can't he organise it?

Number3BigCupOfTea · 02/03/2021 23:29

I wouldn't tell your husband 'no because it will affect my mental health'. Instead, say ''no because we did all this already and it was for nothing''. ''But you can feel free to do it I guess''

Don't walk yourself in to the role of the unreasonable one. You're not. It sounds terrible.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/03/2021 23:30

" DH just thinks if we can make her happy in her old age, then we should."
Isn't it time your husband accepted that he cannot make his mother happy? Never going to happen.

And also, well past time to start making his wife happy? He treats you like staff Sad.

(I remember your last thread. Flowers)

Didkdt · 02/03/2021 23:54

I think I remember your last thread on this
Tell them the kitchen people can’t fit you in for a year see

PurpleTrilby · 02/03/2021 23:57

Are you sure you are willing to live with this for the rest of her life? I seriously fear you will always end up caring for her and your husband just palms it all off on you. He can fucking do it all if he is responsible for her. That was your word, responsible. Make sure it's not falling to you.

Pantsomime · 03/03/2021 00:05

I remember your last thread. You have to tell your DH you are not getting involved and are not willing to spend another year in therapy. I imagine it will be hard to say no to him, but make him make it happen if he wants it to

Mamanyt · 03/03/2021 00:18

@Howdoin

Get one of these minioven A microwave and a kettle and tell her to make do. If DH wants anything more tell him to organise it.
That was my thought, and a small, "dormatory" type refrigerator. We have those miniovens here in the USA with a coffee maker as part of the unit, but you KNOW how we are about coffee!
LH1987 · 03/03/2021 00:26

She kind of sounds amazing, an eccentric lady in her 70s, demanding people build her a facility to do Persian cooking and entertain her younger male companion. She is a bit of an inspiration.

But seriously, I think it is unreasonable for your DH to ask you to organise this.

Osirus · 03/03/2021 00:34

@HelloThereMeHearties

If you're resigned to her staying with you indefinitely, surely it would be in your interests for her to have her own kitchenette downstairs? Keep her out of your hair/kitchen!
This. It’s why I voted YABU. If she has to stay anyway, surely you’ll do whatever it takes to keep her out of your way?
Swipe left for the next trending thread