To tell DH I’m not changing the house for his mother?

[herdownstairs]

Sorry I had to change user name for this question. To sum up - MIL has been staying with us since Dec and now says she wants us to convert the basement to become more of a flat for her. DH has asked me to organise this.

I have to admit I have posted about his mother before some years ago because we already did a basement conversion for her in a previous house. As it was being finished (all to her spec) she changed her mind about moving in, so DH then had to get her a flat nearby. This was a total headache for him as she suffers from anxiety and was frequently calling him out in the middle if the night because she was paranoid about intruders. I would describe her as very eccentric in various ways (too many to list).

We ended up moving a few miles away. Not entirely because of her behaviour, but mainly to be nearer the kids’ schools. But now she wants to move in again to this house because the bridge is closed and she says she will feel cut off and lonely.

I can cope with her staying with us kind of indefinitely - that’s one thing - but the thought of putting a mini kitchen in the basement (as they were discussing earlier) is filling me with blind rage, if I can be absolutely honest here. There is nothing wrong with the basement as it is - it has two rooms (one she has been using as a bedroom, one as a living room) and a new bathroom. We’ve only been here a year or so. DH will not say no to his mother as he’s responsible for her. I understand this, but also I feel as if I will explode.

But I’m aware she is an elderly person and his mother, obviously. AIBU to flat refuse this or am I being petulant? I don’t mind people being honest if I am. AIBU?

@BrieAndChilli

I would be worried about a kitchen in a basement from a fire perspective. It there external access to the basement? What would fire escape route be? Especially for an elderly lady.

This is an important consideration

Just say no. I remember your previous threads and she is overbearing & demanding

Tell him no. What’s the problem with that? Frankly he’s a twat for not only suggesting it but also for assuming it’s all down to you to do it. Why would you put up with that?

I would say no.

You’ve bent over backwards to accommodate her previously & nothing has been good enough. I would be saying no more.

I don't think you moved far enough away. Tbh I'd have to throw in the towel, she'd be too much for me to cope with.

I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that this would not be happening again. Remind him of all the effort last time and she didn’t even move in. If he absolutely wants it done then he can sort it. Can you move out? Seriously though, I couldn’t deal with this shit

Erm how is your husband responsible for her and what world can you not say no to the people you are actually responsible for (like your children?). Your husband won't say no to her because he's spineless

Don't do it. She can buy a house close buy if it's important or at most make one spare room up as hers if your must. She has form I remember your previous post.

An ex colleague converted a garage into a granny flat for their mother, but had to make sure not to have cooking facilities as that made it a seperate dwelling for council tax purposes.

Like PP I'd also be concerned about fire escape routes and also fire proofing between the basement and the main house upstairs.

As she flaked out on it last minute last time I'd not be putting myself out at all to let history repeat itself.

Jesus, not the bejewelled matriarch again!
You know the only way you’ll get rid of her is through divorce...

What upsets me is that we have 4 kids and the way I organised it down there when we moved in was due that it’s a flexible space - ie. the bed can turn into a sofa if they have friends over. I don’t want fixed furniture in there. Last time, I was so upset what she did, I can’t tell you. She wanted these hideous tiles In the bathroom and then said she wasn’t moving in when were finished. I had over a year in therapy - I’m not saying it was because of her, but she did come up a lot in the sessions. I’m not so worried from a fire hazard point of view as it goes into the back garden directly. DH just thinks if we can make her happy in her old age, then we should.

But he seems to be prioritising her needs over everyone elses and it appears at the expense of yours and that is not on.

I think you need to be frank and honest with him

I hadn’t realised there may be council tax implications. That’s a very good point. Sorry, if I’m rambling.

Even if making his DM happy in her old age is at the expense of his wife?

No. Sorry.

Tell your husband he can move in with her and make her happy. It's his mum and his responsibility. I would not even let her move in it if would affect the kids in a negative way. They come first.

There was a thing a few years ago where one of the criteria for having to charge a household two lots of council tax was whether they had separate kitchens. Not sure if it’s still the case but you could look into it in your area to see if you have an argument based on the implications?

I remember your last thread, you must have the patience of a saint op!!!

On a practical note, You can get single induction hobs that just plug in for not a lot, and a microwave combination grill / oven will be your friend. But I would try and avoid too much cooking stuff in from a safety aspect. Unless she is going to get under your feet in the kitchen.

Give her a kettle.

Based on my recollections of your previous threads. Nothing you do will be satisfactory so do as little as you can get away with.

If you put in a mini kitchen and bathroom etc it may attract another council tax charge. That might help dissuade your DH.

The mini fridge etc and kettle ideas are good - then she can try it out and if she wants more in 6m, a year then you can do a full kitchen.

Something like a hidden kitchen in a cupboard/ teapoint? She doesn’t need more than you would get in a hotel set up... do you want the additional fire risk of cooking facilities?

No. It’s your house = your rules. I’m amused by your husband instructing you to sort it. Why did his (or his mothers) last slave die of? You need to put your foot down

I know this isn’t the question you asked but why are you letting her move in? This is the thin end of the wedge by the sound of it

Oh dear, this is just another regurgitation of the same old story you keep posting over and over again

DH just thinks if we can make her happy in her old age, then we should

No, no, no, no that should be

DH just thinks if HE can make her happy in her old age, then HE should.

Let HIM install the kitchen, shop for said kitchen and please have a conversation with him that HE is the one to entertain and care for HIS DM even when she gets old and frail, maybe needing nappy changes or a bath.

Take a look a the elderly parents board on MN and see for yourselves what old age may put upon relatives.

This is the thing I have said to DH, that even if she has her kitchen set up how she wants it down there, she will no doubt still position herself most of the time in the main kitchen anyway. She won’t be down there like old mother hubbard on her own! Alxo, she has a “friendship” with a younger man. She’s had the vaccine now so maybe that will pick up again and she’ll want to cook for him sometimes if he can get here. But mainly what annoys me, is I will end up looking like the difficult one on this. I don’t think I should be in this position in the first place, but DH will say he understands but he doesn’t because to him, his mother’s behaviour is normal.

YOu are already being far too accommodating. You have moved into a new house with your four kids, and created a family space for you and your kids to use. You MIL is now asking to take over this whole space and have it modified to suit her? What about your kids and the fun they would have had with the space? What about you? What about your mental health? What about the rage you will feel after you've forked out a few thousand to make it bespoke to her needs and she decides she'd rather not. Again. NO WAY. LIterally Not A Chance in Hell.

And I come from a mediterranean/middle eastern family mix where it is much more common to accomodate older family members.

You DH needs to put his wife first.