Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is so hard to address a woman as ‘Ms’?!

423 replies

skwish · 02/03/2021 18:33

I’m married, but have kept my maiden name. Eldest DC has ex-P’s surname, younger ones have DH’s. Recently moved to country from big city (south of England do not exactly the Moon). DCs’ primary school staff INSIST on either calling me Mrs DH or Miss Skwish (having taken some time to stop addressing me as Mrs Ex-P). Despite many reminders, they just will not address me as Ms Skwish, which as a grown woman in her 40s, I expect to have used as default. Now seem to gravitate towards Miss Skwish which I find infantilising and offensive, as well as inaccurate.

Quietly fume every time this happens, and have now been tipped over the edge by DC1’s new secondary school, who have just addressed me as Mrs Ex-P in a reply to an email, from me , despite me signing as Firstname Skwish.

Is Ms just a city thing? Have I gone into some weird time warp? Surely Ms is normal and polite and default everywhere? AIBU?

OP posts:
Mellonsprite · 02/03/2021 18:37

It isn’t just a city thing!
I use Ms at work as I don’t think it’s relevant whether I’m married or not. It’s really common to do this in my industry.

Changethetoner · 02/03/2021 18:40

At least they're getting your gender right. lol.

I'm not fussed about being called Mrs, Ms or Miss but would object to them using the wrong surname (ie my ex). It's probably really hard for them when parents have different surname to the children. No excuses, just being honest about the admin issues it must raise.

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 02/03/2021 18:44

If you called me Ms I would correct you, though it wouldn't bother me if you occasionally forgot. I think children just use any term going, I've been Miss regularly and even Mum once or twice! However, adults should really be able to remember.

dennispennis · 02/03/2021 18:56

I'm a Miss despite being married as I kept my own name and have always been called it. I would be annoyed however if they had a correct name in front of them and chose to call me something else

peak2021 · 02/03/2021 19:05

You have asked them hopefully politely. What if you had a foster child (sometimes referred to as a looked after child), or if your name was changed because of DV or some other safety reason?

snowcobra · 02/03/2021 19:07

YANBU at all, I would never presume to call a woman Miss/Mrs without clarifying first. Ms is the default.

MuddleMoo · 02/03/2021 19:08

Keep asking politely every time.
It's very frustrating and I can only imagine the hassle people have to go through to be addressed as Mx.

MrsKoala · 02/03/2021 19:12

I always get Mrs Kangaroo even tho the school know it’s a different surname to Mr Koala’s and I have filled every form out as Ms and we are married. Our children have our names double barrelled. But they address us as Mr Koala and Mrs Kangaroo when I should be Ms Kangaroo as I’m not married to my Dad. Unlike my Mum who is Mrs Kangaroo. Even relatives do it. They think because you are married you must be Mrs without realising it is dependent on the surname you choose, otherwise it’s just odd.

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2021 19:13

They're not addressing you as Mrs 'DH' or Mrs 'Ex-H', they're addressing you by your children's surnames.

FWIW I've lived in a city all my life and have never heard anyone addressed as 'Ms', I've only seen it in writing.

Sunshinebunshine · 02/03/2021 19:16

Doesn't miss and Ms sound the same? I'm a bit confused... English is not my first language

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 02/03/2021 19:18

I can't stand being called Ms. I don't agree that it should be the default at all. You don't get to decide other people's preferences because of what yours is.

Hont1986 · 02/03/2021 19:19

Ms is not the default for a married woman in the UK. Don't know where you picked that up. If you prefer Ms, fine, as you like. But you shouldn't expect it as the default.

ThePricklySheep · 02/03/2021 19:21

@Sunshinebunshine

Doesn't miss and Ms sound the same? I'm a bit confused... English is not my first language
No Smile. Ms is more Mzzzzz.
MuddleMoo · 02/03/2021 19:21

If they don't know your marital status then Ms should be default? Otherwise which one do they choose?

NigellaSeed · 02/03/2021 19:23

@MrsKoala

I always get Mrs Kangaroo even tho the school know it’s a different surname to Mr Koala’s and I have filled every form out as Ms and we are married. Our children have our names double barrelled. But they address us as Mr Koala and Mrs Kangaroo when I should be Ms Kangaroo as I’m not married to my Dad. Unlike my Mum who is Mrs Kangaroo. Even relatives do it. They think because you are married you must be Mrs without realising it is dependent on the surname you choose, otherwise it’s just odd.
Is it odd? My partner is going to take my name when we marry - but I plan on being Mrs Seed. Is that not what people do?
snowcobra · 02/03/2021 19:23

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

I can't stand being called Ms. I don't agree that it should be the default at all. You don't get to decide other people's preferences because of what yours is.
Then what would you call a woman whose marital status is not known? Surely you wouldn't presume to call them Mrs.
wonderstuff · 02/03/2021 19:26

I live and teach rurally and I use Ms as my title and as a default if I don't know a woman's preferred title, always seems the safest/least likely to offend.
I can't believe that in the 21st century we still use Miss/Mrs, why when no one cares about a woman's marital status?

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 02/03/2021 19:26

@snowcobra - I would look it up on the school files or use their first and surname in correspondence.

flakymate · 02/03/2021 19:27

I don’t see your issue with “miss”. Fundamentally there isn’t much difference between the pronunciation of miss and ms, it could just be a regional accent making both sound similar? Are kids even taught to say “ms” at school? I’m early 20s and we called every female teacher “miss” regardless of their martial status - maybe it’s just part of the school culture

BackforGood · 02/03/2021 19:28

I can't stand being called Ms. I don't agree that it should be the default at all. You don't get to decide other people's preferences because of what yours is.

This ^ with bells on.

Also agree 100% with what WorraLiberty said.

Markies · 02/03/2021 19:30

I would hate being called Ms. Sounds incredibly old fashioned to me - just my opinion.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/03/2021 19:31

I would not be terribly impressed at being referred to as "Ms" by anyone who knew I was married. I'm "Mrs". But then I don't have any issue with people knowing my marital status.

nokidshere · 02/03/2021 19:31

Quietly fume every time this happens

Why would you quietly fume about something that annoys you so much? Email the head and ask her/him to make sure it doesn't happen again or correct the person who says it immediately it's said.

LST · 02/03/2021 19:32

I wish they'd just call me by my name! They just call me mum and it irritates the fuck out of me

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/03/2021 19:33

I always get Mrs Kangaroo even tho the school know it’s a different surname to Mr Koala’s and I have filled every form out as Ms and we are married. Our children have our names double barrelled. But they address us as Mr Koala and Mrs Kangaroo when I should be Ms Kangaroo as I’m not married to my Dad. Unlike my Mum who is Mrs Kangaroo. Even relatives do it. They think because you are married you must be Mrs without realising it is dependent on the surname you choose, otherwise it’s just odd.

I know several people who are "mrs birth name" because they didnt take husbands surname.