If you have respectful teenagers answer me this

[flobberdobberrr]

How did you discipline them / what did you say to them at times they were not disrespectful.

I have younger children. One with ASD. I'd love them to turn out like that. It's so hard to know I'm doing it right.

All people ever seem to say is "oh I didn't have to do much" and it's not helpful, I want to know how situations were dealt with when it wasn't going well. I want to get it right now.
Please help 🙏

''I told them off - quickly, definitively and without turning into a huge big deal. So for example if one of them was being cheeky or bold I just stopped, took them out of earshot of company if we were with other people and told them off - "you are being bold/rude/ loud/ show offy, stop it" and then back to whatever we were doing. No timeouts, no discussing it later, they were told they were misbehaving immediately.''

Somebody upthread said this, and it seems so sensible and so reasonable but the bit about ''before it turned in to a huge big deal'' was where I failed. My DC both fought back hard. If I ever asked them to be tidier, quieter, they instantly pushed back. I don't know why. I asked them with respect. There was no ''threat'' in the air. But a respectful request was always ignored, and in fact, I would even say that to a degree, a respectful request for some change in behavior was like a red flag to my DC where they would feel they needed to 'win' this and make me back down and understand that I had no right to ask them to behave differently. They're not always loud, messy, rude, sometimes they're funny and generous, good humoured, which is why I got in to the habit of picking my battles so carefully but for good reason (!) that eventually I picked no battles.

I'm not saying I've done it right. Far from it, but it's not quite as simple as just modelling kindness and respect. Because I think I am a kind and respectful person. I do not communicate passive aggressively (and that was modelled to me by my mother so I know how I do not want to communicate!). I'm quite direct. But I am afraid of confrontation. And that has not been a fear I've conquered as time has gone on. No, that's not right really, at work and in relationships and friendships I've become assertive enough to raise things that bother me. But with two emotionally immature teenagers who are both bigger than I am and both seem to ''shouty'' very quickly, it hasn't been easy.

Just sending large glasses of wine to everybody else who's struggling.

(I only drink once a week!)

I have 2 teen DD’s, both ASD, other than their ASD quirks (being overwhelmed can cause some behaviours) they are pretty respectful, I can take them anywhere, they are polite when spoken too though dd1 occasionally rolls her eyes at people. I’m not a strict parent, I pretty much let them do what they like, I kind of hope they have learnt their good manors from me and seeing how I am around others. We don’t really have house rules, I don’t pull them up on much and have hardly ever had to raise my voice to them. My kids never shout at me, they disagree sometimes but everyone’s entitled to an opinion so I encourage them to express their own views.

I was so rude to my mother when I was a teenager, it makes me so ashamed when I think back to it and I have since apologised to her many times.

I'm not saying it's her fault in the slightest (I was the arsey teen) but it didn't help that she never pulled me up on it. If she'd told me that I wasn't a nice person and was just honest then I think I would possibly have thought a bit harder about how I was making her feel.

When I first met DP, his young children, two DD, came EOW, and ran riot as he wanted a 'no rules environment' for them - they were rude to me, noisy, messy, staying up late, cartoons blaring non stop, it was hell. After seeing them so polite and well-mannered when their nana visited, I realised I needed to do something and that it was DP I had to train!

So I started buying pretty night gowns and nice smellies, running a bath for them at 8.45pm and promising hot chocolate and a biscuit afterwards before bed, and it worked! After their bath we all had hot choc together then they brushed their teeth and into bed for DP to read a story. By 9.30pm lights were out and there was blissful peace and time for DP and me alone together. Did the same when it came to leaving time, got a nice afternoon tea ready while they tidied away and packed up, we only sat down to tea when everything was tidy. So no more manic running around looking for lost items.

After a few visits with my subtle new routine showing DP a different way to do things, DP said to me how much nicer everything was, and his DDs started being much nicer to me so we started doing more things together, baking, crafts etc and it just got better. When they did get out of line I never let anything go, was firm but fair, and ten years on, they're lovely teenagers, we have a great relationship. Just as well, as reader, I married him and they were our bridesmaids!

@ItscoldinAlaska personality is a big factor I agree, I was always pathetically keen to have my parents' approval. But my two do not seem very invested in to my good opinion of them. I love them. Sometimes I like them. But they don't seem upset at all if they behave badly and I witness that and I am visibly shocked and I feel the need to withdraw. I would have felt sick if my mother had witnessed behavior so bad from me that she needed space from me. I would have felt sick. My brother was like my teens. He ruled the roost when we were young. He cared about one thing and one thing only, getting his way. Now he is the successful one and my parents' favourite child!

By praising everything positive and by treating her kindly and with respect.
By spending time talking with her so I understood what was going on in her world and in her head, so that I was able to help her in her choices. For example, if she had a difficult conversation coming up, I would know about it because we communicate constantly and I would chat around the subject putting different views to her that she might not have thought of, etc., and helping/guiding her how to behave, what to say. I have always encouraged her to go her own way rather than to join cliques, etc. and that the most important thing is that she needs to like herself and know in her heart that she has done 'the right thing'.
I have always tried to encourage her to be kind and put herself in other peoples shoes. I always let her know how very much I love her and how incredibly proud I am of her.

Attention to detail, without please or thank you or 'please may I' nothing happens. And absolutely no swearing yourself.

It's the same with teachers. Some have the ability to command respect and have control of their class. Others (who clearly aren't suited to teaching) shriek and bawl at their class, throw around punishments, but achieve nothing.

I always remember a couple of our teachers at secondary back in the 70s. They were definitely "old school" types, but very different methods. One was basically a "little old lady" - she must have been in her 60s and well past normal retirement age, she was tiny, maybe 5 feet and no more than 6/7 stones wet through. In my 7 years there, I never once heard her raise her voice - literally every word she said was calm, measured and moderated, whether when delivering her lesson, in conversation, or handing out a punishment (very rare). She never once told anyone off in class - it was always a calm "see me afterwards". She treated everyone the same with the utmost respect - even the most disruptive and obnoxious pupils. Virtually the same class who were generally disruptive in other lessons would sit there quietly in her classes. As we got to know her, she was a lovely woman, she'd go out of her way to help whether school related or personal problems. They really broke the mould with her! (If anyone watched NCIS Los Angeles, think about Hetty - very, very similar!).

I'm going to agree with notacooldad that the discipline is important in the toddler years. I know its often said that small children can not be naughty because they lack the reasoning to understand what is naughty and what is expected of them. This is usually followed by advice to not discipline or try to set boundaries. The problem is that if you fail to set boundaries the child could theoretically never learn what behaviour is expected of them. I think it helps at this age to be very clear. Saying "stop being naughty" or "please behave" will have no effect. Saying "no climbing" or "sit down, now" will have more effect.

As mine got older I did not use punishment or reward. I spoke to them clearly and made certain what I said was understood.

As their vocabulary and speech became more sophisticated and they started to develop the ability to reason so we would explain and encourage them to think through their options and set out to them the natural consequences of their behaviour.

As they started to encounter situations where they had more choices and where they were more independent we discussed and allowed them to put forward their own reasoning, and we would listen.

I have raised my voice, but only to avoid risk. I've lowered my voice and been sharp. Both know that if I have ever said "that's enough" that I can't be challenged.

In the main though both were given lots of positive attention. I would spend hours playing or home schooling, days out, climbing trees, building camps and more recently talking about their computer games or whatever they want to talk about. Any less than respectful behaviour, or any behaviour that is not acceptable, or energy directed to something less than reasonable is met with a complete withdrawal of my warmth or interest.

I have in some ways taught both DS that good relationships are contingent upon good behaviour. Some might say "you must love unconditionally" yes you do......but my favour is contingent! To teach someone otherwise is to do a great disservice, when they are miserable and alone as an adult.

And without meaning to sound sanctimonious, I will always apologise to them if I have behaved unreasonably- been snappy, shouty, impatient or whatever. I explain why I behaved that way but emphasise how I could have managed the situation better.

It’s very disarming for people, taking ownership of your behaviour and apologising for it. Makes it harder for them to stay cross and grumpy!

@FoonySpucker

Maybe introducing the word "please" would be a start!

OP has said, 'Please help'.

Well it’s a difficult one, because at the moment I’m letting my kids yell a bit more, vent and swear because of the frustrations of covid. I just cannot see the benefit of being too dictatorial when they’ve got a lot on their plate. But you can usually work out whether it’s just them not coping compared to them being disrespectful.

However they do lose privileges and pocket money if they are being disrespectful.

I absolutely refuse to do anything for them if they’re being awful to me. If they disrespect me in public I give them a very public bollocking. I am also not adverse to the power of humiliation. For instance if they don’t leave a social situation when agreed I reserve the right to start talking to their friends. Or maybe even break out into song about how much I love them. They know I’d do it, so it usually works.

I believe you should also give your kids agency over a lot of their decisions if you are too strict they will push back.

Hmm, I know I don't do everything right, but our teen DDS are an absolute delight (most of the time! )

I think what's worked for us (so far!) has been:

Trying to keep a united front with dh and consistency of guidelines / rules for acceptable behaviour.
Being open and honest with them, encouraging them to be open and honest too.
Instilling boundaries of expectation for a healthy lifestyle such as sensible bedtimes and wake up times (even in holidays), healthy, balanced eating, and awareness of the dangers of drink and drugs and the implications if they get caught regularly abusing either, exercise (not always easy to control but we encourage it)
Instilling manners - so important. Please, thank you, doors held open, common courtesy. Consideration of others - gratitude, appreciation and recognition of the efforts others go to for them.
Short shrift on rudeness - whether swearing, slamming doors or lateness!
We try to eat together most evenings and do stuff as a family. Giving them a sense that we have lots of time for them has probably always been the glue that's held us together overall.

Our DS is respectful most of the time. He has the odd lapse (but then so do I) but he's quick to apologise if he does. But then we're respectful to him. He's allowed to say 'can I finish this first' if we ask him to do something (not always getting the answer he wants but he's entitled to ask).

We're trying to bring him up to give and EXPECT respect. And I think it works. I've heard him on the phone saying 'no X, speak to me nicely or don't speak to me at all. I'm not carrying on the conversation if you're going to be rude' to his best friend - which is quite right. There's good and there's a doormat. He has to be guided on how to be the first and not the second.

We've tried hard to listen to him when he tries to explain if he's feeling 'growl-y' - his way of trying to put the hormonal peaks and troughs into words. We try to cut a bit of slack then, hugs if he wants them, peace and quiet if he prefers that. He's a child, not a robot. But we expect him to get control and behave well as soon as he can.

We've always followed through with any 'threats' so we've always been careful to make sure they are in keeping with the problem. There's no point in saying 'that's it, the x box is confiscated for a week' because they forgot to make their bed one day. Or the classic 'your birthday party/Christmas presents/day out at Legoland is cancelled if you don't behave' knowing full well you'll not do it. No mixed messages. I honestly don't remember the last time we had to follow through though. He knows we mean what we say so he doesn't push it. It's a lot easier to say to a five year old 'right, no Octonauts this afternoon' and switch the TV off for that one programme, than to confiscate their favourite toy for a week for a tiddly little thing. That way they learn you'll follow through, fairly, rather than you having to feel awful for over reacting and your child obeying because they're frightened of you.

We probably followed what a lady did when we were on our first holiday with DS when he was about a year old. She had asked her DS to behave as he was kicking his sister under the table at dinner. He did it again causing a massive fight at the table. Mum quietly and gently got the boy up in her arms, walked out without a word. We saw her, through the window, with her arm around him but obviously telling him off (you can tell by the body language and the stern look on her face). Then she gave him a kiss on the head and a hug. He came back in, apologised to his sister and his dad who was still at the table, sat down and it was all giggles again.

As he grew up we kept that in mind I suppose. We didn't allow DS to gather an audience when he was having a tantrum (few and far between but they happened when he was little of course). He'd be asked to stop it, given something to distract him etc. But if it started again one of us would just take him outside, tell him why it wasn't nice to behave like that, deal with it and bring him back in (always after a hug - he's our son, we don't like the behaviour but we love the boy). We'd ask him to say sorry but wouldn't push it if he wanted to silently sulk - we'd just ignore it and he'd come round when he was ready.

But, if he was behaving well we'd always give him a quick thumbs up or a hug or a 'well done - you were really kind when you helped that lady or when you held the door for that man'.

So the essence is - any 'punishment' should be in keeping with the 'crime'. Explanation of what is acceptable. Lots of praise when they're doing it right. Quiet telling when they're doing it wrong.

But start it young. I always remember Jo Frost (the TV nanny) saying to a woman 'when are you going to stop that behaviour (kicking her) in your son? It's fine when he's four and you can lift him out of the way but when he's fourteen and a foot taller than you he will do you some damage. Stop him at four'.

Please and thanks
Smile and be nice,

I dont care wbat other mums do, im your mother and make decisions.

Last year at 16 my DD said “im glad you were strict with us, as in not allowing us to go out drinking at 15 when our friends went”.

My house, my rules. If they dont like it find somewhere else to live.

Exactly what my mum said to me. Worked.

I will never forget the first time and last time dd was rude to dh. She must have been about 4. He coldly said in front of extended family who happened to be there “don’t you ever ever speak to me like that no one speaks to me like that” and sent her to sit in the other room. Neither she nor her younger sister now teens have ever once been rude to us since. Nor us to them.

I am often told how “lucky” we are as our two easy going pleasant etc by my friends yet they let their young children be so rude to them I couldn’t bear it ! They now have rude disrespectful teens. Breaks my heart to see how so many of my lovely friends are treated by their teens.

I wish I hadn’t ever shouted at my children, but sometimes I did. Sometimes I was really unfair. Sometimes I missed that they were unhappy. I don’t know how they would be different if I hadn’t done those things, but they are all ok, normally polite and functioning in the world. I have 2 at home and on the whole it’s lovely.
But I don’t regret that I wasn’t a doormat, that I expected them to help around the house, to cook and sort out their own stuff. I’m glad that I told them when their behaviour was selfish, spiteful, ungenerous or unkind.
I have a dear friend who never ever shouted at her children, always did everything for them, and thought they would grow out of their constant arguing and tantrums if she just kept rewarding their (rare) pro social behaviour. They are in their 20s now, still living at home, still doing nothing to help, still fighting with each other 100 times a day. I don’t know how she stands it.

Oh and finally, the expectations that they can be the best they can be. Doesn't matter if they don't get straight As, we're not bothered by that. We're more interested in them fulfilling their potential, whatever that may be.

I basically take how I was parented and do the exact opposite. My DM was extremely strict and I constantly rebelled. I never felt I could confide in her for fear of judgement.

I treat my DS's like they are their own person because they are. They are not an extension of me. I do not own them. I am a very laid back parent and embrace who they are as people. I apologise when I'm in the wrong and treat them as my equal, where their opinion is just as important as mine. It seems to be working very well and I have a great relationship with both DS's. Long may it continue!

[quote FoonySpucker]@MrMahoneysPants

Saying "answer me this" in the thread title comes over as a bit abrupt/ironic considering the subject.[/quote]
It doesn't because the title is only part of the OP's post.

"answer me this..... how do I do XYZ.... Please.. Little begging hand emoji"

Answer me this is not a full thought. She didn't need to say please in the title. Thank you placement has nothing to do with manners. Saying thank you does.

The problem is you were extremely and ironically rude and couldn't be bothered to read the whole OP. Now you could admit you didn't read it and apologise but you thought, nah.

I have two boys 18 and 12. So respectful, and honestly, lovely every day. They get on really well with each other too which is such a blessing but I think it is all down to them, nature, rather than nurture.

I never had any problems with them as toddlers either, I had all the patience in the world for those stages but I don't recall any tantrums I believe it is just their nature.

FMSucks, I agree with you.

They will treat you the way you treat them. If you shout then they will shout. If you are disrespectful to them or their property then they will be disprespectful to you and your property. If you swear then they will swear. If you hit then they will hit. Always apologise if you have snapped or said something that has upset them (even if it was justified) and they will learn to apologise back to you.

Children learn from example rather than lectures. Spend as much time as you can listening to everything your kid has to say about their life (even if it's minecraft) and your relationship will blossom. Make compromises when you disagree about things, they might have a good point.

If you need to talk about their behaviour then sit down with them, tell what you didn't like and then discuss with them what might have been a better thing to have said in that situation. Kids get angry, they have a right to express their emotions, they just need to learn the right words to say during this time. My daughter used to shout at us, then stomp off to her room, return immediately and say 'I'm really sorry for shouting, I'm just ....(hungry/tired/sad about something/friends are being difficult etc). We never reacted to her shouting as we new she would regret it as soon as she had done it.

My three kids are now in their twenties (all with ASD) and are a source of such pride to me.

I believe in praising the good behaviour rather than punish the bad.

@user1497207191 yes, I would have that problem in my wider life. I think people like me. If asked ''what do you think of number3bigcupoftea, shall we invite her along?'' I'm confident most would say Yes! ask her along. But I don't feel respected. I want to change things at home. It is probably a bit on the late side. But I can try.

The posts where people say things like ''oh we never punished her, we just discussed it'', I was like that with my DC when they were small and it all just turned in to an endless slippery debate and gave them the impression that everything was up for debate.

Another thing that makes a difference is having one or two children. My two are great allies against me. Also, my son argues back more so I had to have the same parenting approach for both, so I had to let things slide for my daughter if I was letting them slide for my son.

When you have one child you can pick the one perfect approach for that one child but when you've two, you're trying to use the approach that works for the child that pushes back the most but you also have to be mindful of not being unfair to the other child.

I've hi-jacked the OP's thread. I've been thinking about this a lot lately though. is it too late? what power do I actually have!? Any suggestions that start with ''just sit them down and explain....'' I have to sigh through my resignation.

I think a lot of it is nature/luck.

My parents did most of what people have said above, e.g., firm boundaries, no means no, modelling politeness.

When I was about 13-16, I wanted to win every argument. I was always in trouble with parents and teachers for being disrespectful or talking back. It only really stopped when I matured a bit. I don't know what my parents or teachers could have done to change that.

My brother is two years younger, so we had the same upbringing. He was a model student, he helped at church, and people commented how charming he was.