If you have respectful teenagers answer me this

[flobberdobberrr]

How did you discipline them / what did you say to them at times they were not disrespectful.

I have younger children. One with ASD. I'd love them to turn out like that. It's so hard to know I'm doing it right.

All people ever seem to say is "oh I didn't have to do much" and it's not helpful, I want to know how situations were dealt with when it wasn't going well. I want to get it right now.
Please help 🙏

@SweetPetrichor

I was the well behaved teen, and my parents:

• maintained consequences and followed through (eg: slam your bedroom door after being told not to and the door will be taken off it's hinges.
• weren't averse to the wooden spoon across the knuckles if I was being really arsey...only a few times in my memory.
• didn't treat me like a 'friend'...they treated me as a child and it was instilled that respect was there.

This doesn't start at the teenage years though. You can't fix a bad teenager - you need to raise them right from the start.

Oh my, that sounds awful to me, I can't imagine doing any of those things, you are really advocating those as acceptable parenting are you?

By being respectful to them.

Neither me or my partner are shouty people. If we have issues, we tend to talk about them calmly with each other (after resolutely ignoring them for as long as possible first, we are both far too conflict averse, its not healthy).

We've only ever shouted at our daughter to stop her if she was about to do something dangerous when she was younger. If she does something we don't like, we talk about it, explain why we have an issue with it rather than shout.

Yes, we all get on each nerves sometimes and occasionally snap at each other, but we'll generally mention that we're having a bad day and could do with a bit of space for a bit

I do sometimes worry that she's going to end up with an arsehole shouty boss at some point and have no defences against it.

I have an exceptionally respectful and considerate teenager. Her teachers and friends' parents all rave about her.

Much as I'd like to take the credit for it, I do believe that a lot of it is nature. We had an easy job. However, I think certain things have helped.

Firstly, we have always treated her with respect. I think it is essential for kids to feel respected before they can give respect to others. We supported her ideas and interests. Her thoughts and wishes were as valid as ours, and if we had to make decisions which she didn't like, we explained the reasons why this was necessary. We involved her in decision-making as much as we could.

We never used any kind of punishments or incentives. If she did something that made me cross or upset, I told her how I felt. Sometimes there were natural consequences, which we talked about. Occasionally, I lost my temper and shouted a bit - if I did that, I would always apologise afterwards for shouting while explaining what it was that had upset me. She learned to do the same.

I have always tried to be reasonable and fair in decisions and expectations, and listened to her thoughts and points of view. I am open-minded and will change my mind about stuff if she has a good argument. I never assume that I'm right just because I'm the adult. DD knows this, and therefore understands that I must have a good reason if I make a decision that goes against what she wanted.

I am open and honest with her about stuff, and I encourage her to be the same. She always understood that I would be more upset if she lied about a mistake or misdemeanor than the actual thing itself. I keep promises. I trust her, and she trusts me.

There is no one answer/ method; it’ll vary from family to family and what works for one child wouldn’t work for another.

For me - quick-tempered, autistic mother to a very headstrong autistic daughter - my parenting style was a (mostly) benign autocracy. I always listened to her point of view and arguments, but ultimately the decision (when she was a child) was mine and I wouldn’t tolerate endless arguing . I always showed absolute consistency that if she went on and on and on (persistence is a common trait in autistics ) having been told to stop arguing, then she would then forfeit the chance of me giving the issue further consideration. One thing I always insisted on and would come down like a ton of bricks on if she didn’t, is that she spoke respectfully and relatively politely to me. No exceptions, no allowances - I’ve been so many times over the years at how some kids get away with speaking to their parents (and other adults). I won’t tolerate it, and I never have.

On the other hand, I’m very liberal in many ways, and she knows she could talk to me about anything. She’s had quite a lot of freedom as a teen, and she knows I wouldn’t freak out about her taking drugs, having sex, going away with friends, etc. I’d much rather we had a trusting relationship where she knows I’ll give her honest and non-sensationalist advice on stuff.

I’ve never been much of a one for punishment (grounding, confiscating stuff or whatever) - I prefer natural consequences. She’s a lovely 18 year old now, and I’ve rather enjoyed the teenage years - much easier than when she was a toddler!

I'm with others in that DP and I were fairly strict parents with definite boundaries when DS (almost 17yo) was young. If boundaries are not strong and adhered to in the younger years then where are naturally boundry-pushing teenagers supposed to go?

Discipline was always followed through, for us it was "the step" or a toy confiscated or outing cancelled. It really did depend on the situation at the time.

Also really importantly both me and DP ALWAYS showed a united front. If we did disagree with one another then we spoke about away from DS.

Slowly over the last 3 years or so we have allowed the boundaries to widen out to allow independence. If I ever have to pull him up now it's usually to stop him talking to me like I am one of his mates, and to snap him out of the occasional mood. Also being tired (as most teens seem to be always) is no excuse for rudeness

Having said that I get several cuddles and love you mum every day as does his dad. We have always been a very demonstrative family with a lot of laughs.

It starts from being a toddler onwards
Seriously
It’s a slow build. Effort.

But so bloody worth it

@FireflyRainbow I couldn't agree more. DS will be 16 on Sunday, he has SLD and is totally non verbal along with many other issues but with regards to behaviour I have never let him get away with anything just because of that.

If I had a pound for every time someone said to me (Usually my own family funnily enough!) "oh he doesn't know" I would be a millionairess!

Back to your question OP, I was also every insistent on good manners as young as he was able. In shops although he couldn't/can't talk I always make him say please and Thank you, even though it might be just a wave, he does understand that it's polite and respectful.

@Number3BigCupOfTea

I'm a single parent and my kids were alright until they got to be teens/pre teens. Then I felt at times ganged up on by them. I used to think my DC will be fine and not having a man in the house will make NO difference but I think that I should have reminded them when they were younger that the internet, the tv, the streaming channels, all the books, clothes and food are provided by ME and I should have turned off the internet when they were 9 and 12 I think. I never wanted the drama. I should have been a stronger force standing up to them but I never wanted to be a ''bully'' or too big a disciplinarian but now I realise I should have stood up to them over smaller things sooner.

It’s really really hard being a single parent to teens. You’re totally outnumbered, and without another adult in the house, they just compare you to their friends parents. Who are always nicer, apparently!

I'm quite old fashioned and demand to be treated with respect. That said, I'm always open to negotiation/disagreement - as long as they are polite and can argue logically they can try and convince me that I should change my mind about x/y/z - and sometime I do. It helps that I dont see the housework as my preserve and they've been brought up to help out from a very young age.

Also - I'm happy for them to bear the responsibility for their actions so I dont do "rescuing" for day to day stuff. If its lost, they replace. If it isnt in the wash I wont wash it. If they didn't make the arrangement, I wont drop everything to give them a lift. Compared to most mums I'm probably quite harsh in that respect but the resultant virtuous spiral is really helpful - they become more responsible so I can give them more freedom and decision making opportunities so theres very little conflict. Havent punished them in years.

Others have made a good point in that you have to start when the child is very young, we were/are strict parents, good manners were insisted on from a very young age, even small things like standing over my DS with pen and paper and making him write his birthday and Christmas thank you letters . A relative said to me recently 'sorry, I can't get X to send you a thank you .... these days with access to mobile phones it is unbelievable that a youngster can't send a quick thank you message.

So many things that parents seem to think are 'cute' in young children are often very attention seeking and disrespectful and it will be much harder to set boundaries later in life if DC have been overindulged when they are young.

I’m (honestly and not passive-aggressively)impressed by those who can maintain a calm household and rarely have raised voices, as my house can be a bit shouty and argumentative at times.

But I will say that in spite of this, my teens (and younger DC) are still respectful and kind individuals and all of them have good social skills. So for those who inhabit a bit of a shouty, door-slammy house at times - I don’t think this necessarily means you’ve failed at parenting

I did used to make my DC send thank you notes but after a certain age, I thought well, they are the ambassadors for themselves. Ykwim.

When somebody gives me a gift, or even a card or does something thoughtful, I always always say thank you. I worry that in the same way my x was hardwired to be more of a taker than a giver, my dc are just hardwired to take a bit more than they give. I'm making them sound dreadful. But they don't stress over taking a favour whereas I hate asking for help or needing help. It makes me feel beholden. My kids never seem to feel beholden.

By no means the most important thing (which I'd agree is firm boundaries from a young age regarding disrespect and talking back) but something I'd say is useful is for them to know that you are an entire person, not just their parent.
I've spoken with too many teenagers and young adults who seem to have no idea what jobs their parents have, when their parents' birthdays are, what they enjoy, what they were doing before they had children. They just see their parents (especially mum) as someone who makes tea and ferries them around to clubs.
My children know that they are, without a doubt, the most important thing in my life, but they know that they are not the only thing in my life.

I have a pre teen so things may change yet but it's all working fine for me at the moment. I've never shouted neither has ds. I've been very open and involved him in any decisions, I give him time to finish a game on the xbox if we need to go out anywhere.
I'm very relaxed, I'm not a stressy person and don't really have many rules. I like to let him learn for himself and gain independence.
He's very very well behaved and polite. I've never had to tell him off even as a toddler.

@Outbutnotoutout

Biggest thing is if you give a sanction, then Foliot through.

I hear all the time...

Timmy don't do that
Timmy carrys on
Timmy if you do that again, I will do blah blah
Timmy carrys on etc

And the other big mistake is threatening a sanction that they know you won't follow through.

Kids aren't daft (whatever age).

If you want to go down the punishment/sanction route, it has to be something you're genuinely prepared to do, and it needs to be a single warning (or maybe 2 at the most).

It's really wasting your time and energy to go on and on, threatening this, that and the other, if you never follow it through.

@Bagamoyo1 yes! and richer!
My dc have not had it tough. There has always been enough money for everything important. But because I never over extend myself, they think our house is shit. I wouldn't go in to debt. I've been saving for their educations. But their perception of us is that we're POOR. That annoys me! I grew up with two parents in a bigger house and they were always broke. Never had tuppence halpenny for a treat.

Anyway, my DC have let me know that they're embarrassed of the house. The house that i own outright! Poor loves.

I never ever shouted at mine. Sat them down and calmly explained what I wanted them to know. They're late teens now. Every thing is a negotiation now, but a good hearted one.

@MyGoMargot

I’m (honestly and not passive-aggressively)impressed by those who can maintain a calm household and rarely have raised voices, as my house can be a bit shouty and argumentative at times.

But I will say that in spite of this, my teens (and younger DC) are still respectful and kind individuals and all of them have good social skills. So for those who inhabit a bit of a shouty, door-slammy house at times - I don’t think this necessarily means you’ve failed at parenting

My tantrummy, inclined to argue back and slam doors child is the more socially aware and outgoing and still can argue black is white but in an adult debate type thing (he lives away for uni) and he's 19 so past the age of disciplining. He is welcome to live under my roof but he is a grown man who is respectful in the house or he can do his own thing. His older brother has always flown under the radar as regards discipline although he at times got caught out winding his brother up until he reacted and got caught fighting back... He is still quiet and hasn't really developed good social interactions, is very shy but very clever and needs a couple of pints to brave any involvement in debates. It's definitely better to have a bit more feist about them as hard as that makes it when they are younger.

Bear in mind:
what you probably see as polite respectful teenagers aren't always like that at home
some people get lucky with their kids
if they're rude and ignorant, they usually grow out of it

I sometimes let mine have the last word, I sometimes shouted back, I sometimes told them 'because I said so', didn't always get my parenting right. But I've got two young fairly independent adults living with me now that I'm proud of, love absolutely and are a pleasure to have in my life.

We never ever punished her. Not once. What we did do is discuss it, and explain why behaviour was wrong. I would sometimes react with anger and give her a right bollocking, But it was always dealt with with words only, and there and then. Never any punishment, we just said our bit snd explained why it wasn’t ok.

We treated her with respect growing up. She always had a say in what we were doing. So from how we decorated and furnished the house, to where we went on holiday, to what we had for dinner, we asked her opinion and we listened , or what we did at the weekend.

We also listened when she had something to say and respected it. We treated her as we wished to be treated, even though she was a child. Asking her opinion doesn’t mean she got thr final say, but we’d discuss and agree as a small team, so she always felt included..

As such this has carried on to adult hood, and the relationship is the same, we are very close snd respectful of one another and value each other’s opinions.

For me, treating your children with respect, whilst strongly articulating clear boundaries, talking to them, listening to them and explaining is how to raise respectful adults. And yes with the occasional “wtf were you thinking type bollocking” Punishing her was never ever necessary and simply didn’t occur to either of us.

Consistency is the key. Never let them get away with being rude to you. My eldest called me 'lazy' in front of a friend once. When we got home I told him that if he EVER called me that again he would get every punishment I could throw at him. He never has repeated the mistake.

Also, when I see other children disrespecting their parents/carers I always say to my kids 'I'm so pleased you don't speak to me and Dad like that'.

My sister's kids are a nightmare. She and her husband would argue all the time, sniping and bickering at each other constantly. Their poor kids grew up in an environment where it was normal. Sister and husband would seem to argue for the sake of it - often over trivialities. We used to dread going there, and after a few years we'd only go for Christmas and birthdays (and that was more than enough).

Their son, in particular, became a really horrible teenager. He and his father would just constantly argue, often about nothing at all. They'd argue black was white. I think it just became a habit. One Boxing Day, we went round, and son/father had just got back from a football match. They spent a good hour arguing who'd given the assist for a goal - just why? why does it even matter? Neither could accept they were wrong. That spilled into more serious things in older teenage years with him being thrown out of school, then thrown out of college, a succession of dead end jobs, minor crime convictions, etc - of course none of it is ever his fault. He's now a single father of 2 kids, his relationships having failed and sadly, his 2 kids are awful too - swearing, fighting, arguing etc and they've not even started school yet.

@implantsandaDyson

I told them off - quickly, definitively and without turning into a huge big deal. So for example if one of them was being cheeky or bold I just stopped, took them out of earshot of company if we were with other people and told them off - "you are being bold/rude/ loud/ show offy, stop it" and then back to whatever we were doing. No timeouts, no discussing it later, they were told they were misbehaving immediately. I also laid really clear boundaries of what we were doing, what I expected, how long we would be somewhere, everything really clear. So if we seeing friends/relatives that maybe one of the kids found annoying or boring - I told them all before we got out of the car " we'll be 2 hours max, be polite, don't let xxxxxxxx wind you up and we'll be done soon. I also let them hang about in their bedrooms if they weren't in form for being sociable. I'm not one for enforced family fun. And if they were cheeky or offhand to me or their Dad they were just told "nope, not happening, if you can't be at least civil then find something else to do where you can rant and rage without hurting other people's feelings".

My husband and I speak to each other with kindness and humour, my parents and parents in law are the same so the kids see respectful, honest, kind relationships most of the time. Mine are still relatively young - almost 16, 13 and 10.

Absolutely this. Its about clear boundaries. So many people think its funny when their DC back chat at 3/4 not so funny at 13/14. Understanding that teen years are hard and having compassion but also boundaries. Model good manners and behaviour.

I have friends who scream at their DC and wonder why they scream back
Ps I just love the word " bold"

From a young age I always expected them to be kind and polite. Before we went into shops when they were little I would remind them to say please and thank you, to wait nicely to be be served etc.

I always listened to them carefully. We never did any of that naughty step, removal of toys nonsense - never turned family life into a battle of wills. they had a cosy corner instead - not a punishment, but a place to go and calm down with a blanket, cuddly toy, book etc so that they learned to manage their emotions themselves, not feel emotion is something that is repressed and dictated by others. As a result, I had an ASD son who has never had a meltdown and another son who is one of the most chilled people I've ever met. I came from a very aggressive, shouty, theatrically emotional family and had to learn to curb that behaviour myself as it makes DH feel ill (and me too, I've realised.) So... we just nevewr shouted, never bullied, never battled.

People think that means we were soft but we weren't. If DS1 threw a toy in anger and it knocked over a vase of flowers, for example, I'd say 'Oh dear,' calmly, then get him to get a cloth, mop up the water, put the flowers in the compost at the bottom of the garden, get money from his piggy bank, go to the shops, buy more flowers and a new vase from the charity shop etc - all calmly, all with no anger, just 'Oh, shoot, this is what we all have to do now, bit inconvenient, eh?' And he soon learned he couldn't be bothered to wreck things.

So we modelled kindness, consideration, responsibility for actions, consequences of actions, all with no anger, no shouting, no drama. Learning to self-soothe when you are angry or upset is the single most useful skill I taught them. I know so many people who thought I was soft, because they preferred to be heavy-handed with their children. They are the ones who had really tempestuous teenagers who smashed doors and got into fights.

A lot of it is personality and/or something else going on.

I was a complete dream as a child/early teenager. Polite, quiet, followed orders, compliant. My mum still raves about me. I had been sexually abused from the age of 5 and it made me try to make myself as benign and 'fade into the background' as possible.

DS1 (17 years) - again, very compliant and polite. A rule follower. Highly anxious though which comes out as morose and a bit uncaring though, as his dad never bothered with him. Very sensitive soul (musician). He had the best quality parenting from me as I was a lone parent for his first 5 years.
DS2 (13 years) - absolutely dances to his own tune. Not at all a rule follower. Very very lovely though, sociable and has the most compassion, always the one to notice if others upset and gives great hugs. Can be rude if he is interrupted or absorbed in something but feels bad after.
DD (9 years) - very introverted, very rude, very much on her own agenda, emotional, lashes out physically. She is the one who has the strict rules, the red lines and the strong boundaries. I left her dad (DS2's dad too) when he broke my jaw. She was just a toddler and has had the roughest end of the wedge parenting wise, as she has been shipped between two homes. Her saving grace will be her brain. She will never, ever put up with shit from anyone and I am glad for her.

No one size fits all. Child development isn't just about parenting. Circumstances, human experiences, temperament, family structure, cognition and birth order all play a part. If everyone could get it right, they would and the world would be full of perfect humans but it isn't. I have long stopped beating myself up and just committed to parenting as fiercely as I can and enjoy analysing their different paths in life.