Would I be unreasonable to check in to a hotel for a night?

[SoSickOfMyAwfulTeenagers]

They are 18 and 15 and they are both so entitled, lazy and messy. The eldest is back at school today finally but last night when I asked her to be quiet at quarter to 12, she got cross with me for asking that and got louder and started stomping about loudly. It sounded like she was throwing books at the wall and the house was shaking under her stomping feet.

She also left the plug in heater on all night and when I commented on that this morning she bit the face off me! Seriously. I can say nothing to her, she is so sensitive that I cannot even ask her to be quiet or to be considerate or to not leave a heater on all night. My son asked me to wake him up at 0945 and I went in to his room at 0900, 0915 and 0950 and yet he claims to have no memory of this and has just shouted angrily at me for not waking him up. I said I did wake him up and he argued with me, quite angrily .

I had roasted veg in the oven and he took them out to put in a pizza.

I'm on a rare week off and I'm just feeling so sad that both my children are such brats. I have tried to stop them growing in to such entitled selfish brats but they have to be paid to do any housework. Not only are they awful to me, but they're awful to each other as well. They are lazy, they leave such a mess everywhere, they blame me for everything, they will not tolerate being asked to be more considerate. That sums it up. If I say do not make such a mess. They will get angry with ME! As if I have no right to ask them to be tidier. I'm a single parent and they're both bigger than me and I have a bit of fear of my son in particular.
I just googled a nearby hotel and it seems to be open. I could go and stay for a couple of days. Or should I wait til there's no food in the house? The house if full of food right now. My life is just constant abuse from all quarters and I cannot get away from it. My mother is giving me the silent treatment. Again. That is her usual modus operandi. My father is my mother's food soldier. My brother is pressuring me to overlook her bad behavior to me and just apologise to her but I cannot this time. Work is very stressful and I'm off this week (I need the rest but I'd rather be at work).

I don't know what to do. Their father and my parents put money in to their accounts. They always say ''i don't care'' if I say I won't give them money. I wish they would go and live with my x but fat chance. He doesn't want them ft. He wants them once in a blue moon.

I've no car so it's not like I can threaten to never drive them anywhere. I can't afford a car (but we live in a big town near various bus routes and near a station).

I used to have a bf before covid. We sometimes still ring each other but my daughter will mock me and tell me to get off the phone the moment I talk to him.

I am so so so sick of them. my own children. I'm supposed to love them and I don't know what I feel right now.

Would going to a hotel for a few nights help diffuse the situation? I feel like I want to.

I'm sure I'll be told it's all my own fault and maybe it is but I tried to shape them in to decent people. And in front of other people they are like ''yes mrs paterson no mrs paterson'' so on ONE level they absorbed it and know how they ought to behave, but they are not respectful to me.

i am so sorry you are going through this. Have you ever tried to tell them how they make you feel? Exhausted physically and mentally. I know teens can be a pain in the arse (i have a 15 nearly 16 year old) and until i sat him down and told him how he made me feel and how his attitude and behaviour made me feel he didnt really get it as they do live in their own bubble. It made a difference when i went away for a week on my own and left him with his dad. I came back to an immaculate house and immaculate room. Good luck and hope you can get sorted xx

Wait til the food supply is low (Which never takes long with teens!) Then change all the passwords, internet and all your banking stuff (just in case they know them) and set pin or parental controls on everything you can, Netflix Amazon etc.
Then just go. Not a word, just go.
It probably won't cause any permanent changes, but you can recharge in peace and think about what to do going forward.
Good luck lovely.

I am embarrassed admitting this, but I'd be scared to take the modem thingy with me. My son would go nuts. I'd be afraid he'd take it out on my daughter.
I tried putting settings on the internet once. Took hours, he just stuck a pin in it and reset it. So reluctantly I would have to leave it. I could tell him NEXT TIME I TAKE IT

@123becauseicouldntthinkofone

i am so sorry you are going through this. Have you ever tried to tell them how they make you feel? Exhausted physically and mentally. I know teens can be a pain in the arse (i have a 15 nearly 16 year old) and until i sat him down and told him how he made me feel and how his attitude and behaviour made me feel he didnt really get it as they do live in their own bubble. It made a difference when i went away for a week on my own and left him with his dad. I came back to an immaculate house and immaculate room. Good luck and hope you can get sorted xx

I have tried. My son would tell me ''I don't care''. He was a sweet little boy so I don't think he's a psychopath but he sure can act like one now if he's not getting his own way. My son gets up and walks off! He will NEVER let me talk to him!! He just blocks me out.

Are you allowed to stay overnight somewhere, dont know where you are located? If so, leave them to it and GO

You sound really frightened of your son. And it seems you feel powerless. You aren’t though. You need to stay calm, speak firmly but quietly and put some consequences in place - is there anyone who will show you how to change the Internet password? I feel quite angry for you!

Go.

But be very clear with them.
Tell them you are leaving the house because you are sick of their rudeness, ingratitude and laziness, and you are sick of being treated the way you treat them.

And tell them that if you come back to a mess or damage you will be throwing away anything left lying about and you will turn off the wifi.

Tell them that this is their chance to behave like civilised adults.

@thereisonlyoneofme

Are you allowed to stay overnight somewhere, dont know where you are located? If so, leave them to it and GO

Yeh, I think it would be allowed. I have a letter in my bag from the govt (irish govt) to say I can be 5k from my house due to my work. I'm off this week but I could go and stay at a hotel 2k away I think. There have been reports of people being fined 2000 euro for getting haircuts at lock in hairdressers so I would not want to end up with a 2000 fine. But I think sleeping in a room on your own is allowed!

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

Go.

But be very clear with them.
Tell them you are leaving the house because you are sick of their rudeness, ingratitude and laziness, and you are sick of being treated the way you treat them.

And tell them that if you come back to a mess or damage you will be throwing away anything left lying about and you will turn off the wifi.

Tell them that this is their chance to behave like civilised adults.

Thank you.

I have tears in my eyes just relief that I"m not being told what a crap mother I am. Even though I know I have not done a good job clearly. I know that.

They are to your kids OP you raised them so even though it sounds shockingly shit for you I voted YABU. Sort the little buggers out.

Why not wait till they ate both out and change the locks?

@AtlasPine

You sound really frightened of your son. And it seems you feel powerless. You aren’t though. You need to stay calm, speak firmly but quietly and put some consequences in place - is there anyone who will show you how to change the Internet password? I feel quite angry for you!

I'm sorry if it's all coming out now but once before I rang the gardai when he had upturned a bin. The kitchen bin. The contents went all over the floor and it was disgusting. I left it there for days and then cracked and tidied it up. He couldn't have cared LESS. He is a monster. The gaurd was sympathetic enough but he basically told me that it was a bad idea to have turned of the internet while my son was playing a game. He said he would come and talk to my son if he kicked off again but also let me know that they weren't really in the business of warning teenage boys to behave. But that if I wanted that he would come. I felt like I was being talked out of doing anything for the time being. But I let my son know that we were scared of him. I also felt like a failure, failing my daughter, I mean, bratty-ness aside she deserves SAFETY and I was unable provide that as he did whack her on the arm a few times when that kicked off. I told her that she could go to women's aid and spend a night there if he kicked off and she said no. I am trying to do the right thing by her even though she is also part of the problem.

Thank you everybody for not telling me how crap I am.

@malificent7

Why not wait till they ate both out and change the locks?

This.

They need a wake up call and you need to get angry. Don’t let them move back in with you, their father can deal with them.

In England, I think for staying away from home you need a "good enough reason" such as needing to travel long distance for work, or for a funeral or to give care. Whether self care to preserve your mental health would count... I'm not totally convinced, it's borderline at best. Depends how you'd feel explaining/justifying yourself to the hotel I guess. Assume they will have to ask you for your reason, check the government guidelines and see how you would feel about justifying your reasons to a stranger.

However you can certainly make plans and "strike" in other ways. I remember my brother bring a nightmare at that age and me being incensed that my parents wouldn't challenge him to turn his music down at 3am etc. He is now a really kind and lovely adult but it took years.

Also, removing yourself and handing the house over to them sends the wrong message I think. Don't cede your territory.

@Symbion

Also, removing yourself and handing the house over to them sends the wrong message I think. Don't cede your territory.

yeh, you could be right. My son would actually love if i just f***d off.

@symbion, yeh, I remember my own brother being very aggressive at this age too. And our father was there to stand up to him. Not sure he did a brilliant job of that. But I wouldn't describe my brother as aggressive at all now. Far from it.

This gives me hope.

Their father lives in a different country! I would LOVE to send them to his house for a while but I am not even sure where he lives right now (he does put money in my account though). I'm luckier than some..........

No, don’t leave your home to these thugs!
As someone further back said, put pin codes & strong passwords on everything you can. Your banking, all the streaming services, change the router passcode too (make it really tight).
Don’t do a dish that they dirty, don’t do their laundry, do the bare minimum to keep your sanity that your house isn’t filthy.
I would phone the Guards back when he kicks off, absolutely I bloody would!
Good luck to you, @SoSickOfMyAwfulTeenagers.

You're not crap, and it is tough bringing up kids, especially on your own.

I had ground rules in my house - not many, but enough to keep everything bearable and us all amicable. Most important is that it is my house, so my rules. It's also about them taking responsibility for their own actions.

My DC (this is when they were younger) could make mess in their own rooms but not in the rest of the house. Your DS is 15 - old enough to be able to wake himself up and I'm sure he will have an alarm on his phone. Let him take responsibility for this, or get him an alarm clock. If your daughter is leaving the plug in heater on all night then remove or get rid of it or put it on a timer.

Whatever you decide you must stick with it. Don't just remove something but make it clear what will happen beforehand. This way the choice is theirs on what they do with this.

Going to a hotel overnight can go different ways. You will at least get a rest - and hopefully take any goodies from the fridge/cupboards with you. However you might come home to a shit tip so will have to pre-empt this somehow.

On the last bit regarding speaking on the phone to the guy you were seeing before lockdown - you should have very strong words with your daughter on this.

Trying to say this in the nicest possible way but your DC have you where they want you and to continue to live together in the same house you need to make clear that it can't/won't continue this way - plus you also have your own life.

and

Send them to stay with their dad indefinitely, have a little mini breakdown tell them you can't cope and doctor says you need peace and rest which you can't have with these two little parasites sucking the chi out of your lifeless soul. Then see how aggressive the lil dictator gets with another grown man to submit to. Honestly, hope he gets his arse handed back to him on a plate, if my almost fully grown man-son was being aggressive to me or his sister I'd have him twatted or I'd defend myself with something to make up for the size difference. Sounds like he's a bully in the making and it needs to be nipped in the bud. Your daughter doesn't sound any better.

Is there a way of permanently changing the passwords?

Once before I spent hours setting the internet so that it'd go off at 23.30 and he just stuck a pin in it and reset it. I could have cried.

Yes, if and when (when to be honest) he kicks off, I need to call the gaurds back. Would they keep a 15 year old in over night? I don't think so. It would jolt his perception of himself though, if the gaurds came.

Then you unplug the router or phone the provider and cancel the internet.
Internet is not an essential thing for him to have. He doesn’t pay for it so he doesn’t get to reset it when you piss him off and change the settings.
Is there an Irish equivalent to Social Services?

I agree with a PP that it sends the wrong message to your kids - it’s YOUR home and they’re treating it and you, like shit. Now I am firmly in the camp of “my home is my children’s etc” but they also need to live by your rules and not be little twats.

I’m also worried at how scared you are of your son.

What’s the relationship like with their dad? Could you call him and explain the situation, and they’re coming to him for a week. Tell the kids straight it’s because of their behaviour and attitude, and when they get back you’ll be setting some ground rules together. That does depend on their dads cooperation though..

Otherwise, if it’s within rules where you are, then I guess buggering off for a few days will at least do you some good!

I do feel for you though, it sounds a horrible situation.

For what it’s worth, I was a massive arsehole of a teenager - my dad once cut the plug off my hifi to try and teach me a lesson 🙈😂 but I’ve turned out ok as an adult!

@flappityflippers1

I agree with a PP that it sends the wrong message to your kids - it’s YOUR home and they’re treating it and you, like shit. Now I am firmly in the camp of “my home is my children’s etc” but they also need to live by your rules and not be little twats.

I’m also worried at how scared you are of your son.

What’s the relationship like with their dad? Could you call him and explain the situation, and they’re coming to him for a week. Tell the kids straight it’s because of their behaviour and attitude, and when they get back you’ll be setting some ground rules together. That does depend on their dads cooperation though..

Otherwise, if it’s within rules where you are, then I guess buggering off for a few days will at least do you some good!

I do feel for you though, it sounds a horrible situation.

For what it’s worth, I was a massive arsehole of a teenager - my dad once cut the plug off my hifi to try and teach me a lesson 🙈😂 but I’ve turned out ok as an adult!

Sorry just seen you’ve updated with their dad being in a different country - they’ll need to go to him for a month then to make the journey worth it

I agree re cancelling internet or removing the modem altogether. But I also think you need to sit them down firmly and say you will not be having it, and the three of you have to live amicably together - and sit down to set some ground rules.

Either that or kick them out when they’re the legal age to live alone?

Sending