Would I be unreasonable to check in to a hotel for a night?

[SoSickOfMyAwfulTeenagers]

They are 18 and 15 and they are both so entitled, lazy and messy. The eldest is back at school today finally but last night when I asked her to be quiet at quarter to 12, she got cross with me for asking that and got louder and started stomping about loudly. It sounded like she was throwing books at the wall and the house was shaking under her stomping feet.

She also left the plug in heater on all night and when I commented on that this morning she bit the face off me! Seriously. I can say nothing to her, she is so sensitive that I cannot even ask her to be quiet or to be considerate or to not leave a heater on all night. My son asked me to wake him up at 0945 and I went in to his room at 0900, 0915 and 0950 and yet he claims to have no memory of this and has just shouted angrily at me for not waking him up. I said I did wake him up and he argued with me, quite angrily .

I had roasted veg in the oven and he took them out to put in a pizza.

I'm on a rare week off and I'm just feeling so sad that both my children are such brats. I have tried to stop them growing in to such entitled selfish brats but they have to be paid to do any housework. Not only are they awful to me, but they're awful to each other as well. They are lazy, they leave such a mess everywhere, they blame me for everything, they will not tolerate being asked to be more considerate. That sums it up. If I say do not make such a mess. They will get angry with ME! As if I have no right to ask them to be tidier. I'm a single parent and they're both bigger than me and I have a bit of fear of my son in particular.
I just googled a nearby hotel and it seems to be open. I could go and stay for a couple of days. Or should I wait til there's no food in the house? The house if full of food right now. My life is just constant abuse from all quarters and I cannot get away from it. My mother is giving me the silent treatment. Again. That is her usual modus operandi. My father is my mother's food soldier. My brother is pressuring me to overlook her bad behavior to me and just apologise to her but I cannot this time. Work is very stressful and I'm off this week (I need the rest but I'd rather be at work).

I don't know what to do. Their father and my parents put money in to their accounts. They always say ''i don't care'' if I say I won't give them money. I wish they would go and live with my x but fat chance. He doesn't want them ft. He wants them once in a blue moon.

I've no car so it's not like I can threaten to never drive them anywhere. I can't afford a car (but we live in a big town near various bus routes and near a station).

I used to have a bf before covid. We sometimes still ring each other but my daughter will mock me and tell me to get off the phone the moment I talk to him.

I am so so so sick of them. my own children. I'm supposed to love them and I don't know what I feel right now.

Would going to a hotel for a few nights help diffuse the situation? I feel like I want to.

I'm sure I'll be told it's all my own fault and maybe it is but I tried to shape them in to decent people. And in front of other people they are like ''yes mrs paterson no mrs paterson'' so on ONE level they absorbed it and know how they ought to behave, but they are not respectful to me.

Firstly, we've all been there to vary degrees and when they behave like this we ALL blame yourself but it isn't your fault they are choosing to act like twats.
Secondly, put those two in a hotel and take back your ground, the rest can be unpicked afterwards, don't let them out you out the door!
Thirdly, it's shite lass but it passes.

Could your brother have a word?

You sound exhausted.

In your shoes, I would go on strike. Go for a walk, make your own food, go for a sleep. Just ignore them. You're on holiday!

It definitely sounds like they don't respect you. What would happen if you just completely lost your shit with them when they fail to do as you're asking?

*Maybe you need to start shouting and ranting at them.

*Obviously the above clearly isn't the answer but perhaps they've never seen you angry before and it would shock them into submission?

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this- this kind of behaviour and atmosphere at home can escalate quickly at the best of times and we have such a strict lockdown in Ireland that’s intensifying everything.
I’m a PP teacher who works closely with adolescents and families similar to yours and your story is not uncommon- unfortunately many lone parents(mothers) find themselves outnumbered during the teenage years. Please don’t feel so down on yourself.
Can you contact their school? There’ll be a Care Team or even a counselor who might be able to offer some advice or support. You could try to get an appointment with CAMHS through a GP referral, or contact the Tusla duty social worker.
It sounds like you and your family are in crisis mode so I don’t think the above options would be too extreme.
There are loads of different factors that can influence behaviour at their ages but the bottom line is you need to feel safe and respected in your own home. Best wishes

At 18 your son is an adult so pack up his stuff. Your daughter at 15 can be taken into the Foster care system so contact social services. If you are that scared of your children you may be better not having them live with you. You should not leave your home and stay in a hotel as that certainly sends then wrong message.
The police are right, they can't do anything about him making a mess in your kitchen but if at 18 he is being physically abusive they can.
Although I think social services and the Foster care system may be your best bet right now.

Just a thought. Could you get an IT one man band sort of person in to son-proof your tech for you, and talk you through how to keep control of it? Might be worth splashing out on if funds allow.

@2BDIs

At 18 your son is an adult so pack up his stuff. Your daughter at 15 can be taken into the Foster care system so contact social services. If you are that scared of your children you may be better not having them live with you. You should not leave your home and stay in a hotel as that certainly sends then wrong message. The police are right, they can't do anything about him making a mess in your kitchen but if at 18 he is being physically abusive they can. Although I think social services and the Foster care system may be your best bet right now.

Yes to this. No question.

I went through a really tough time with my eldest, she's now 21 - she used to be quite disrespectful and messy, and like you I wondered how I ended up there. I'd not long left an abusive marriage, and I felt she took advantage slightly in me having no fight left in me for a while. It really got me down and at one point early last year I told her to pack her bags and I made her hand me her key.

After she spent a bit of time with grandparents (lots of rules there) and her dad begged me to take her back after a week with him (because he only wants to be Disney Dad, the idea of actually having to parent her was horrifying to him) she asked me if she could come home and she's been a changed person since.

I'd get them both in a room, tell them they need to change now. Today. Or your 18 year old can leave, and then the 15 year old can follow when they turn 16. Sometimes shock is the only way. They are perfectly capable of being respectful, they are choosing not to. And follow through. If your 18 year old continues, then make them leave. You can have police assistance for that if needed as he's an adult but hopefully it wouldn't get to that point.

Sending you a big hug too, as I know how rough this can be.

OP do not leave your own home, it is just giving them more power to think they rule the roost. You sound exhausted and need support so maybe try onefamily.ie/ they have resources such as counseling and parent support plans and family services, maybe also try women4women.ie/directory-of-services/women-in-dun-laoghaire-rathdown/lone-parents/ that also have links to support for lone parents.

I think having a few days of peace is not a bad idea. But it also sounds like you need to set some more boundaries with them when you are home. I used to work with families where the children where having behaviour problems - sometimes you could see that the families had not been strict enough or been too strict. But the people blaming you here are missing the point that children are also formed by their temperament, and their choices. Some parents do everything fine and their kids are nightmares. Some do everything wrong and get angel children. Sorry your kids are being such brats. Like animals, it is important not to show fear I think. And to make sure there are consequences when they take the piss.

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

Wait til the food supply is low (Which never takes long with teens!) Then change all the passwords, internet and all your banking stuff (just in case they know them) and set pin or parental controls on everything you can, Netflix Amazon etc. Then just go. Not a word, just go. It probably won't cause any permanent changes, but you can recharge in peace and think about what to do going forward. Good luck lovely.

I would do this.

@2BDIs

At 18 your son is an adult so pack up his stuff. Your daughter at 15 can be taken into the Foster care system so contact social services. If you are that scared of your children you may be better not having them live with you. You should not leave your home and stay in a hotel as that certainly sends then wrong message. The police are right, they can't do anything about him making a mess in your kitchen but if at 18 he is being physically abusive they can. Although I think social services and the Foster care system may be your best bet right now.

Agreed.

Do they go to school/college, if so, are they doing reasonably well ?
what do they plan to do after their exams ? I think if they are doing OK, then you will get through this. Its rubbish, but it will get better.
But from now, I wouldn't buy food, I wouldn't coo for them, I wouldn't do their laundry.
I would take myself off to my room, with my supper, a cup of tea, have a nice long bath, take care of yourself, ignore them, (there was a thread on her recently on similar subject. The OP kept herself to herself, ignored them & after a while they realized that they were being entitled little shits.
As you go, take the loo paper, the internet box, the tea bags, & as many things as possible that they will miss ! If you don't have a lock on your door, lock the box in your car, & say you cancelled the internet. Lock the door to your room when you leave it ! DO not give them any money Don't get into any lengthy heated conversations, justifications, or explications, just say "I'm done, if you don't like it the door is open",
if DS gets violent call the police.

Oh & remove the plug in heater, She is not paying the bills

The daughter is 18. The son is 15.

I agree with @2BDIs

Harsh but true and probably the only way any change is going to happen

I’d pack both their shit up. Tell the boy he’s out and can go live with friends etc because you’re done with his shit

And then tell the 15 year old that social services are coming to get her. It may put the fear of god into them but I think at this point it’s what they need

See if they prefer that over living with you

The daughter is 18. The son is 15.

Op when I read the title of your post I thought you'd just be feeling worn down and in need of pampering but this sounds like a horrible situation for you!

I think going to a hotel for a night or two would be good to give you some space and a break. As a pp said though, be prepared for a hell hole when you get back.

I would not go to a hotel as a means of punishment or as a shock tactic, it won't work. Likewise packing them off to a hotel, they won't care they'll just enjoy the jolly.

@Steelasprey had some great advice and I was going to suggest you speak to your gp and see if there are any parenting services that can help step in. I'm sure you are a good mother, but sometimes a neutral third party is able to spot where and why things aren't working and propose alternative ways of going about it. I think if you can get support from ppl like @steelasprey in real life it would be useful- someone to help reinforce and guide parenting techniques that might be more effective.

At the very least, you need some emotional support and a gp can help with that.

I'd also contact your Internet provider and see if they can impose usage restrictions that can't be altered by your children or through resetting the modem.

I regards to the BB, you can speak to your provider and ask them if they can change the router login details for you if he's changing it this way. If he continues to hard reset the router he may even wipe the details off and then he won't be able to access the connection at all.

You could also remove the sticker with the details from the back then if he hasn't got the password saved and he resets it then he won't be able to connect!

I think this is called ‘facing your parenting’

I don't think those people suggesting you just kick them out have really thought it through, although your situation sounds very difficult indeed, not many parents would kick two kids out however vile they are being.
You say your parents and ex both pay into their accounts - can you get some support from them either in cutting off the money unless you say it should be paid (is dependent on behaviour) or in speaking to them on how they're behaving and it's impact on you.

At the end of the day, as parents we are bringing up people that other people will have to live with in future to it's vital that they are able to take care of themselves and show consideration to those with whom they live.

Can you try to make a positive restart as you hopefully emerge from lockdown? It does sound like a lot of your interactions are understandably negative, can you find anything good to build on?

My brother is coming over on Wednesday so I will ask him if it's possible to permanently change the password. It's beyond my capabilities I'm afraid!

Next shop will be missing the pizzas, chocolate spread, jaffa cakes, crisps etc. I'm not sure what else to do right now. Punish them with courgettes and mushrooms.

My family can be a bit strange. They make me feel I'm not grateful enough for the help they've given me (financial) but if I ask for practical help they can't help. Well, they are old, covid....

I was googling behaviour management specialists earlier. I didn't find one. But I know they exist. I nearly got one years ago and then I decided I couldn't afford it. I was crazy. I should have got one years ago.

Thank you all

I'd not leave them unsupervised - you'll come back to worse.
I'd track down the father through the banking details and gets him involved.
I'd get in touch with the Irish equivalent of Child Services and other help as an emergency referral - you should be able to get this information through your GP.

www.barnardos.ie/our-services/work-with-families/family-support

www.tusla.ie/services/family-community-support/family-resource-centres/find-family-resource-centre/

Might be of some use. I’d agree with previous posters who said if your son is behaving himself at school that might be the route in.

Failing that Davy Fitz to walk him up a mountain...

The 18 year old is an adult - tell him to move out and fend for himself.
Might buck up the ideas of the 15 year old - if not, look at the equivalent of social services and getting him taken into care.