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Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to check in to a hotel for a night?

108 replies

SoSickOfMyAwfulTeenagers · 01/03/2021 14:45

They are 18 and 15 and they are both so entitled, lazy and messy. The eldest is back at school today finally but last night when I asked her to be quiet at quarter to 12, she got cross with me for asking that and got louder and started stomping about loudly. It sounded like she was throwing books at the wall and the house was shaking under her stomping feet.

She also left the plug in heater on all night and when I commented on that this morning she bit the face off me! Seriously. I can say nothing to her, she is so sensitive that I cannot even ask her to be quiet or to be considerate or to not leave a heater on all night. My son asked me to wake him up at 0945 and I went in to his room at 0900, 0915 and 0950 and yet he claims to have no memory of this and has just shouted angrily at me for not waking him up. I said I did wake him up and he argued with me, quite angrily Confused.

I had roasted veg in the oven and he took them out to put in a pizza.

I'm on a rare week off and I'm just feeling so sad that both my children are such brats. I have tried to stop them growing in to such entitled selfish brats but they have to be paid to do any housework. Not only are they awful to me, but they're awful to each other as well. They are lazy, they leave such a mess everywhere, they blame me for everything, they will not tolerate being asked to be more considerate. That sums it up. If I say do not make such a mess. They will get angry with ME! As if I have no right to ask them to be tidier. I'm a single parent and they're both bigger than me and I have a bit of fear of my son in particular.
I just googled a nearby hotel and it seems to be open. I could go and stay for a couple of days. Or should I wait til there's no food in the house? The house if full of food right now. My life is just constant abuse from all quarters and I cannot get away from it. My mother is giving me the silent treatment. Again. That is her usual modus operandi. My father is my mother's food soldier. My brother is pressuring me to overlook her bad behavior to me and just apologise to her but I cannot this time. Work is very stressful and I'm off this week (I need the rest but I'd rather be at work).

I don't know what to do. Their father and my parents put money in to their accounts. They always say ''i don't care'' if I say I won't give them money. I wish they would go and live with my x but fat chance. He doesn't want them ft. He wants them once in a blue moon.

I've no car so it's not like I can threaten to never drive them anywhere. I can't afford a car (but we live in a big town near various bus routes and near a station).

I used to have a bf before covid. We sometimes still ring each other but my daughter will mock me and tell me to get off the phone the moment I talk to him.

I am so so so sick of them. my own children. I'm supposed to love them and I don't know what I feel right now.

Would going to a hotel for a few nights help diffuse the situation? I feel like I want to.

I'm sure I'll be told it's all my own fault and maybe it is but I tried to shape them in to decent people. And in front of other people they are like ''yes mrs paterson no mrs paterson'' so on ONE level they absorbed it and know how they ought to behave, but they are not respectful to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoSickOfMyAwfulTeenagers · 01/03/2021 20:30

Thanks for the tusla links @JollyGreenGiantess

OP posts:
Premium5 · 01/03/2021 22:18

Definitely read a couple of teen parenting books. They are great for equipping you with strategies to deal with communication and behaviour management.

Cocogreen · 01/03/2021 22:59

I would be seeking help from social services.
Your situation sounds terrible. They’re abusing you - I know teenagers can be awful but this is on another level.
The 18 year old can fuck off out of home and the 15 year old can go to her Dad. You don’t have to live like this.

Cocogreen · 01/03/2021 23:02

Sorry mixed the kids up.

Lunificent · 01/03/2021 23:10

It might be more manageable if you just had the 15 year old to deal with. Is there somewhere else the 18 year old can live, maybe temporarily?

JollyGreenGiantess · 01/03/2021 23:16

PP is post-primary OP.

JollyGreenGiantess · 01/03/2021 23:19

OP I would second bringing the school in at this point, especially if he isn’t engaging with the lessons. They may well have a variety of people who could potentially form a relationship there - career guidance counsellor, chaplain as well as principal/deputy.

Tusla have meetings called ‘Meitheail’ where the bring different agencies together to support a family. I don’t know what is happening at the moment but worth exploring maybe.

WellThisIsShit · 02/03/2021 09:36

I don’t have any practical advice, but I do have a endless font of sympathy for you! I really feel for you, you are in an awful position and I really hope you can get something to change soon, as you can’t carry on like this, you’ll end up breaking.

One thing that you can change before anything else more practical, is to start putting yourself first. Start valuing yourself and stop sacrificing yourself as a way of life. It’s an easy pattern to get into, as a mum, but you need to show your children that you are more than a automaton, a robot servant (!), and start modelling how to be a good human who loves and cares for herself just as much as her children.

That attitude change is the main thing that will cascade into all your decisions and actions. It will be hard but you Are worth it, and you desperately need some self love (as cringe as that sounds!)...

Brew Cake Flowers Gin

Murtaghjames · 02/03/2021 09:47

Go and stay in a hotel op for some space and a break. Tell them your boiler burst and you can't stay in your home. This actually did happen to us on October when some restrictions were brought back (Ireland too) and we had to stay in a hotel for 4 days whilst it got fixed. I really do feel for you. You are going through a really tough time Flowers

Steelasprey · 02/03/2021 10:02

Hi - PP is just Post Primary... I work with teenagers.
I would suggest calling the school - maybe start with his year head and just ask for a call. I know his school work isn’t your biggest priority right now but if he’s not working he’s going to be bored and under-challenged so that’s going to add to his acting out. You could ask for some kind of mentoring for him - maybe someone to check in daily with him to make him more accountable in terms of school work at least.
I would suggest speaking to your GP - you need support so they may be able to refer him to CAMHS.
I know that services are stretched at the best of times but a call to Tusla may be a solution. There are private therapists and counselors who may be able to work with your whole family if you can afford it.

Mix56 · 02/03/2021 12:39

I'm glad you took yourself away, Do the same this evening, don't wash up, don't load or empty the dishwasher, or pick their clothes up, or the wet towel on the floor, let them feel the discomfort of what its like when they are responsable for the shit show they make. when you have had your meal, put your plate out on the floor in front of your closed bedroom door.... (a nice touch from the other thread I thought )
Tell your mother, to stop giving DD money, she can keep it in a separate account, she can say she is stopping this money as she has decided DD is not adult enough to manage such large amounts, in view of her recent behaviour.
You tell DD, she will have to finance her uni with a loan, as you won't be paying & if she doesn't get in, she will have to work & find her own lodgings because freeloading adults don't get a free ride on your watch. You are going to work to cover the costs, if they don't respect you & your work ethic, they can go & sponge on someone else.
& slamming about in her room throwing a childish tantrum when you have simply asked her to let you sleep so that you can rest & go to work, & keep a house over their heads, doing an an 8hr day of work that she has never ever had to experience

kneecapper · 02/03/2021 20:49

I think this is called ‘facing your parenting’

I think this is called "don't be a judgmental twat”

you reap what you sow 🤷🏻‍♀️

JaceLancs · 02/03/2021 21:32

Be the hard responsible parent - you can do it
Unplug modem completely - give to a friend, lock in car, go away for night away n take it with you
Only buy essential items for house including food of your (not their choice)
Do not do their washing ironing cooking cleaning etc unless treated with respect
Stand firm you can do this

madmumofteens · 02/03/2021 22:49

Oh OP sounds really difficult just know you are doing an amazing job all on your own 💐 take a step back and do less and grey rock when they are being nasty!! Please try not to show emotion I clearly remember my dd showing me contempt when I cried 😞 just know they love you and you are their safe place ❤️ and you've got this x

RiojaRose · 03/03/2021 00:12

Punish them with courgettes and mushrooms.

This actually sounds like a really good idea to me. I don’t think I would cede my territory but I might take the view that a bit less pizza and a bit more fresh veg could have a positive impact.
I hope things improve for you soon Flowers

TheBouquets · 03/03/2021 00:43

I am so sorry for the position you find yourself in. I was in a similar situation a long time ago. I was a lone parent and did not want to be too hard on the DC. By about 13 they were bigger than me and they knew it and worked it.
I took all the parent stuff seriously and did not want to be the one who walked away from, at a more recent point, my AC. By this time I was nearly 20 years into having abuse from the AC. By this time they had children and houses of their own. They were still being obnoxious to me and now their chidlren had started on the same way of treating me. I just left the circus. I had enough. it is sad but it would be worse to have had to stay listening to my AC being like the ex. The point being that his conduct was so bad that I managed a fully legal divorce. We cant divorce our children but we are not obliged to put up with treatment from them that was just cause to gain a divorce.
If you dont take that kind of treatment from a man why should you take the same treatment from an AC? Why should the law expect you to?
AC - Adult child

heathergem · 03/03/2021 01:01

Do you get any feedback from the school on their attitude towards school learning?

Are they sociable and pleasant with family members (pre covid)?

Sorry you're up against it, wishing you a better end to the week.

Caramelwhispers · 03/03/2021 06:46

Has your so been assessed for any underlying issues? I'd speak to the school because there is clearly a problem if he's not cooperating in school as well. Tell the school exactly what he's like at home and that you're afraid of him.

Can he be seen by an Ed psych? It could be some underlying SEND/ challenging behavioural issues. Or it could be that your son is a nasty teenager atm but it'll be good for your mental health to rule things out.

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/pda

I think because they're so aggressive & you're scared of them, slowly reset the boundaries so the kick back is easier to manage. Easy thing to do is food, don't buy all of the treats just a few of them. Drop an item each shop & don't replace it next time. Covid and brexit can be used as good reasons as to why things are out of stock. If they want it, they go and pay for it themselves but don't tell them that.

Caramelwhispers · 03/03/2021 06:52

There is a thread that might be worth you reading, search for it using title below:
'I really need help with my violent son. And I'm willing to pay for the help. But how?'

TangerineGreen · 03/03/2021 07:51

The hotel does sound like a nice idea but I would be a bit concerned if they knew you were away for a while they might have a party? Just a thought. When me and my sister played up as teens my mum went on strike-did nothing but the bare essentials and we soon fell in line. Could the military be an option for your son once old enough?

Longdistance · 03/03/2021 08:04

Yep, the 18yo can pack his bags and fuck off! Do this in front of your 15 and tell her if she doesn’t buck het ideas up , it’ll be her in three years time.

FelicityPike · 03/03/2021 09:29

@Longdistance

Yep, the 18yo can pack his bags and fuck off! Do this in front of your 15 and tell her if she doesn’t buck het ideas up , it’ll be her in three years time.
The 18 year old is a girl. The boy is 15.
rawalpindithelabrador · 03/03/2021 09:31

The 18 year old is a girl.

When you have kids like this it's often for the good of all involved that they don't live with you.

minniemoocher · 03/03/2021 10:24

This won't help right now but can you ask their father to have them for an extended period in the summer holidays, tell him you do appreciate the financial support he gives you but you really need a break. Will give you something to look forward to - spoil yourself!

rawalpindithelabrador · 03/03/2021 10:29

@minniemoocher

This won't help right now but can you ask their father to have them for an extended period in the summer holidays, tell him you do appreciate the financial support he gives you but you really need a break. Will give you something to look forward to - spoil yourself!
FFS, thanking a parent for financially supporting their kids, I've heard it all now! Summer is months away and she's got a violent teenager in there, they need massive intervention and their parent needs to step up.