Would I be unreasonable to check in to a hotel for a night?

[SoSickOfMyAwfulTeenagers]

They are 18 and 15 and they are both so entitled, lazy and messy. The eldest is back at school today finally but last night when I asked her to be quiet at quarter to 12, she got cross with me for asking that and got louder and started stomping about loudly. It sounded like she was throwing books at the wall and the house was shaking under her stomping feet.

She also left the plug in heater on all night and when I commented on that this morning she bit the face off me! Seriously. I can say nothing to her, she is so sensitive that I cannot even ask her to be quiet or to be considerate or to not leave a heater on all night. My son asked me to wake him up at 0945 and I went in to his room at 0900, 0915 and 0950 and yet he claims to have no memory of this and has just shouted angrily at me for not waking him up. I said I did wake him up and he argued with me, quite angrily .

I had roasted veg in the oven and he took them out to put in a pizza.

I'm on a rare week off and I'm just feeling so sad that both my children are such brats. I have tried to stop them growing in to such entitled selfish brats but they have to be paid to do any housework. Not only are they awful to me, but they're awful to each other as well. They are lazy, they leave such a mess everywhere, they blame me for everything, they will not tolerate being asked to be more considerate. That sums it up. If I say do not make such a mess. They will get angry with ME! As if I have no right to ask them to be tidier. I'm a single parent and they're both bigger than me and I have a bit of fear of my son in particular.
I just googled a nearby hotel and it seems to be open. I could go and stay for a couple of days. Or should I wait til there's no food in the house? The house if full of food right now. My life is just constant abuse from all quarters and I cannot get away from it. My mother is giving me the silent treatment. Again. That is her usual modus operandi. My father is my mother's food soldier. My brother is pressuring me to overlook her bad behavior to me and just apologise to her but I cannot this time. Work is very stressful and I'm off this week (I need the rest but I'd rather be at work).

I don't know what to do. Their father and my parents put money in to their accounts. They always say ''i don't care'' if I say I won't give them money. I wish they would go and live with my x but fat chance. He doesn't want them ft. He wants them once in a blue moon.

I've no car so it's not like I can threaten to never drive them anywhere. I can't afford a car (but we live in a big town near various bus routes and near a station).

I used to have a bf before covid. We sometimes still ring each other but my daughter will mock me and tell me to get off the phone the moment I talk to him.

I am so so so sick of them. my own children. I'm supposed to love them and I don't know what I feel right now.

Would going to a hotel for a few nights help diffuse the situation? I feel like I want to.

I'm sure I'll be told it's all my own fault and maybe it is but I tried to shape them in to decent people. And in front of other people they are like ''yes mrs paterson no mrs paterson'' so on ONE level they absorbed it and know how they ought to behave, but they are not respectful to me.

sorry, think the eldest is a girl - tell her to move out.

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

Wait til the food supply is low (Which never takes long with teens!) Then change all the passwords, internet and all your banking stuff (just in case they know them) and set pin or parental controls on everything you can, Netflix Amazon etc. Then just go. Not a word, just go. It probably won't cause any permanent changes, but you can recharge in peace and think about what to do going forward. Good luck lovely.

This, but text them from the hotel so they don't end up calling the police!

Tell your parents and ex to withhold payments until you've decided they can behave.

Don't re stock the fridge. They can use their money to buy food.

Who pays their phone bill? If it's you, cut them off.

Stop cooking. Get basic food in and keep treats in your room. Get a lock on your room door.

When you do go to a hotel treat yourself, put your feet up, get takeaways and enjoy every last second.

So, so sorry you're going through this OP. Who said it got easier ey

As someone who grew up with a violent teenage brother, it's not a good idea to change the locks as he will only smash a window to get in. It was scary living with this volcano of a man (he was over 6' aged 12) our house was full of holes in doors and walls from his temper, so I understand your fear of him. But you don't have to put up with it.

@tyboi

I think this is called ‘facing your parenting’

I think this is called "don't be a judgmental twat"

Is there any male your son respects? Teachers? Gaelic coaches? Could someone talk to him and make him feel some shame about his aggressive, abusive behaviour?

Your brother could be a good start.

I would set an ultimatum. They either change their attitude or you no longer look after them. No washing, no meals cooked. Only basic food in the house.

If your son gets aggressive phone the guards.

I would set an ultimatum. They either change their attitude or you no longer look after them. No washing, no meals cooked. Only basic food in the house.

I wouldn't set an ultimatum I'd just do this now.

It is the eldest who is the girl yes and she has worked hard at school over the last 5-6 years sndchas applied to two good colleges. Ill get a grant for half but i will be paying about 3-4 k per year for her university education for the next few years i hope. I want her to realise this is a privilege. It's not her birthright. I know covid isnt helping. She was an easier child pre march 2020.
Im not in a hotel but i am in my bedroom with the door shut. So be it. I need space from them. Neither has burst in yet so i think they sense im in need of space. Iwill try and find some behavior management strategies for teens. One small thing here or there might help.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

I would set an ultimatum. They either change their attitude or you no longer look after them. No washing, no meals cooked. Only basic food in the house.

I wouldn't set an ultimatum I'd just do this now.

Yes. The next shop is going to surprise them. I usually buy everything they want. The right cheese. This chocolate spread. That peanut butter. I just say ok.

Grrr. Annoyed with myself.

This will sound harsh OP but your Trump card needs to be the Uni fees. Unless she cleans up her act she will have to find another way to pay for the £3-4K other than you. Things like that need to be earned and she isn't even close to earning it.

Yes, or even, threaten to make her pay some of it. She has about 4k in her credit union account.

Out of interest OP when did you leave their dad and how did he treat you in the marriage?

I left my exH 2 years ago. Mainly because of infidelity but also because, as much as I didn't want my children coming from a 'broken home', I figured it was far more damaging to see their dad treat me as less than human. I was the maid, the cook, the sex doll, but this was all I was good for and I didn't want the kids to also see me as RoboMum - no feelings, just carry out robotic tasks for everyone else- they were 6 and 3 but with my eldest it was already showing that she saw me as little other than a person who does things for other people and nothing more.

You're right though. I work hard at work and i get home to a messy house and being talked down to. Do they think i wouldnt enjoy spending 4k on myself every year for the next 8 years. Assuming the 15 yo goes to university but im not pushing water uphill. He doesnt study like his sister does so i will try and get him out of the house after school if he doesnt get in.

@SoSickOfMyAwfulTeenagers

Yes, or even, threaten to make her pay some of it. She has about 4k in her credit union account.

How has she got so much money? Is it in her name?

A few people have suggested accessing help with your son through his school. I was going to suggest the same, but I see you haven’t responded to those suggestions but are contemplating “behavioural management strategies” instead. Is there a reason you might not look for help via the school?

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows their dad was very abusive. I escaped with a rucksack and a buggy and he attacked me the day i left. But i got away anyway. I digress here. I dont want to linger in victim narrative. I have a good job. We have a house now. They are at the right schools for their personalities. We have done braces, drama, dancing, socialising. They havent had it badly honestly!! I like to thinkni got away from the madness while they were young enough not to absorb it. They havent seen that much of their dad as it was control over me that he wanted more than to prove he could be a good man and a good father. His ego was massively injured after i got away and he hasnt looked me in the eye since. He acts like i did some appalling thing getting away from him and he cant stomach looking at me. But he has recently moved house i believe and he hasnt contacted any of us to give us his new address. If i asked for his help, even now, 14 years after leaving him, he would delight in not helping me.
I know it's all quite jerry springer. 😕

@user143677433

A few people have suggested accessing help with your son through his school. I was going to suggest the same, but I see you haven’t responded to those suggestions but are contemplating “behavioural management strategies” instead. Is there a reason you might not look for help via the school?

Oh the school know what he's likevand they sometimes ask me to get him to do x, y or z. I wasnt not answering. I hadnt seen the question. I know it's a terrible position to be in but i have lost control. Also, he is not going to school right now with covid. He is supposed to be logging in to lessons on line and sometimes he does.

I have a son like this, OP. You have my sympathies.

@rawalpindithelabrador thank you

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows my mum keeps putting money in her account, but she does understand that it's for the next few years. She knows it's there but knows it's not to be spent on clothes and make up as she fancies. But still. I should be telling her that if she doesn't start to respect me and the house (that's important to me as well) then she will end up funding some of her education herself. That's hardly extreme cruelty. I will wait a few days til I feel calm enough to put this to her without all of the emotion I'm feeling right now

Maybe I'm sticking my head in the sand, or maybe I just can't confront how bad things really are but I can't help but HOPE that when students can all go back to school and start college and everybody has been vaccinated and my son can go back to school, then hopefully life will see easier.

Anyway, I don't want to drag myself down further. It has been really helpful venting here and I'm really grateful to everybody who said supportive things.

Ah, I see what you mean.

The thing is, the school should be able to get help for you, if you ask them and explain to them what it’s like.

So rather than the scho asking you to try to get your son to do things, instead it would be someone working together with both you and the school to get him back on track.

Particularly important if you are physically scared of him.

In other words, you don’t need to be on your own dealing with the problem - there is help to be had. This shouldn’t just be your problem to sort out, and it’s OK to ask them for help.

It sounds like you could do with a break from it & short hotel stay could do the trick....but only to re-charge your batteries & prepare yourself for a territorial battle. And a mess when you get home. Stop the money, stop the treats, stop doing their laundry, change the passwords...do whatever you need to do to regain control of your own home. And most definitely csll the guards if your son becomes aggressive towards you. He needs someone in authority to tell him what's what.

Could your brother have a word when he is there...? Say to your kids he knows they are causing trouble, it is not acceptable & he'll be keeping an eye on the situation & there had better be a major improvement by his next visit?

@Steelasprey

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this- this kind of behaviour and atmosphere at home can escalate quickly at the best of times and we have such a strict lockdown in Ireland that’s intensifying everything. I’m a PP teacher who works closely with adolescents and families similar to yours and your story is not uncommon- unfortunately many lone parents(mothers) find themselves outnumbered during the teenage years. Please don’t feel so down on yourself. Can you contact their school? There’ll be a Care Team or even a counselor who might be able to offer some advice or support. You could try to get an appointment with CAMHS through a GP referral, or contact the Tusla duty social worker. It sounds like you and your family are in crisis mode so I don’t think the above options would be too extreme. There are loads of different factors that can influence behaviour at their ages but the bottom line is you need to feel safe and respected in your own home. Best wishes

Hi @Steelasprey have just seen you're in Ireland. What is a PP teacher. I can't think. I am not in much contact with the school atm, they send me emails to tell me he's not logging in to many lessons and I do not that. I ask him every day if he logged in and he says 'hrrrrrgh'. We did go down a route of trying to get help once before but were rejected by CAMH because he is not depressed. Is that where you'd suggest starting if he kicked off? A Tusla on duty social worker? I wouldn't say oh no no no never to having social services involved. Not at all. If there's help out there I"ll take it. But the last time I tried to reach out for help, I felt like a few different agencies told me we wouldn't deal with that. When he goes back to school, I will be very honest with them. I always go in for all meetings and I think they understand it's difficult for me. They have been supportive.

So sorry you are going through this. It sounds so difficult.

As regards going to a hotel - it's your week off and this sounds awful. If you think you could relax and enjoy the peace, 100% go.

As regards the kids though, I'm not sure how or if it would work as some sort of punishment / warning. That might need a bit more thought.

But you would definitely not be unreasonable to go.

Hope you manage to get some peace soon x

I know a woman who had this same issue so she rang social services and asked for help

The kids went off for some respite and counselling and it resolved things

Worth a try they sound dreadful and it must be so awful for you - I'd be trying everything