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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

End of life Doula v birth Doula

155 replies

EndofLifeDoula · 28/02/2021 21:09

Lots of families embrace allowing a birth Doula in to their homes at such a special and poignant time. I’d like to offer myself to families facing death, bereavement and support the final journey.

I have lots of experience inc nursing, funeral care, counselling and I’ve completed 2 diplomas in this area of expertise.

I wonder if people would rely on this service when offered and see it as a support function rather than a business?

OP posts:
AlexaPlayWhiteNoise · 28/02/2021 21:18

Do you mean for poorly babies or for the elderly or those with terminal illness?

gwenneh · 28/02/2021 21:21

Death doulas are certainly getting some traction in the death positivity community but I don’t see them going particularly mainstream any time soon. So would people, in general, who aren’t aware of the movement rely on this kind of a service?

Probably not.

AnotherEmma · 28/02/2021 21:22

I can definitely see the value in it but I wouldn't use the word "doula" as I think the association with pregnancy, childbirth and babies is too strong, you would need a different word IMO.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 28/02/2021 21:23

Personally, I think it would be too intrusive at a private time. Its not like birth, where women have had other women attending them since the year dot.

Theres also the issue of consent, privacy and dignity for the dying person, as I take it you would be working for someone in their family. And the rest of the family might not appreciate the involvement of a stranger.

Not to mention the timing of most deaths can't be predicted with any accuracy, even when it seems predictable and inevitable.

Death is more intimate somehow than birth.

Is this actually a thing?

WellThisIsShit · 28/02/2021 21:26

I’d use that service. I have stage 4 cancer. Single mum, no support system.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 28/02/2021 21:26

I follow a death doula on Instagram (I can’t remember why, something about a post of hers a few months ago caught my eye) and find her job and the way she talks about death really fascinating. She’s in America though and I’m not sure how much call there would be for the same type of role here

Original poster
EndofLifeDoula · 28/02/2021 21:28

@AlexaPlayWhiteNoise

Do you mean for poorly babies or for the elderly or those with terminal illness?
All and anyone. I’ll volunteer with hospices to start with but plan to use my skills and experiences to offer a bespoke paid for end of life care packages suitable to all circumstances.
OP posts:
Sobloodyexhausted · 28/02/2021 21:28

I’d have loved to have the support of someone like this when my dad was dying. The hospital staff were very good but there were times when they were very busy and it would have been good to have a calm presence available to help care for dad in his last days. A few weeks before my dad passed he had an episode where he didn’t know where he was or that he was dying. I had to explain it all to him and it was a horrible shock to him. At one point that afternoon I had to leave him as I was so upset I was making things worse. I’d have really appreciated help dealing with that better - the memory haunts me silk.

parietal · 28/02/2021 21:29

Presumably this only applies to predictable deaths (eg cancer) in which case there are Macmillan nurses and hospices and existing support networks (however imperfect). How would this differ from those?

DaveSpondoolix · 28/02/2021 21:31

I love the concept but not sure it would catch on just yet as PP have said above. It puts me in mind of occupational therapy in the hospice/community palliative setting

Original poster
EndofLifeDoula · 28/02/2021 21:32

@gwenneh

Death doulas are certainly getting some traction in the death positivity community but I don’t see them going particularly mainstream any time soon. So would people, in general, who aren’t aware of the movement rely on this kind of a service?

Probably not.

Thank you, it’s certainly an area that need more exposure. I have 2 diplomas within end of life care exclusively plus counselling diplomas which I hope to think would help the new journey for the family left here to start again.
OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 28/02/2021 21:34

I think this would have been really valuable when my Dad was dying, the problem is that. I think I can only recognise this with hindsight.

Biscuitsanddoombar · 28/02/2021 21:34

Given the rising number of people over 65 who are single/widowed who also have no children, I can definitely see death doulas as something that will become more prevalent.

My understanding is that they offer emotional comfort & support & help people talk about the kind of death they want rather than physical care but I don’t know if that’s right or not

Original poster
EndofLifeDoula · 28/02/2021 21:34

@AnotherEmma

I can definitely see the value in it but I wouldn't use the word "doula" as I think the association with pregnancy, childbirth and babies is too strong, you would need a different word IMO.
End of life counsellor End of life therapist From the end to the beginning

Happy for suggestions!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 28/02/2021 21:35

To be fair "death doula" is a bit more concise Grin

Original poster
EndofLifeDoula · 28/02/2021 21:36

@Hollyhocksarenotmessy

Personally, I think it would be too intrusive at a private time. Its not like birth, where women have had other women attending them since the year dot.

Theres also the issue of consent, privacy and dignity for the dying person, as I take it you would be working for someone in their family. And the rest of the family might not appreciate the involvement of a stranger.

Not to mention the timing of most deaths can't be predicted with any accuracy, even when it seems predictable and inevitable.

Death is more intimate somehow than birth.

Is this actually a thing?

Understood and I’m pleased you are in such a fortunate position to feel this way. You are very lucky
OP posts:
MuddleMoo · 28/02/2021 21:37

It sounds interesting, most people want a "good" dying experience but as you only do it once it might help to have input if you can.

TurkeyTrot · 28/02/2021 21:37

Oh, I initially thought you meant a birth doula for families who expect the birth of their child to be incompatible with life, or where it is known to be a stillbirth.
That would be really, really useful.
I'm sure all end of life care would also be useful.

AnotherEmma · 28/02/2021 21:37

@WellThisIsShit

I’d use that service. I have stage 4 cancer. Single mum, no support system.
Flowers
ChocOrange1 · 28/02/2021 21:38

@AnotherEmma

I can definitely see the value in it but I wouldn't use the word "doula" as I think the association with pregnancy, childbirth and babies is too strong, you would need a different word IMO.
I would agree with this.
Original poster
EndofLifeDoula · 28/02/2021 21:41

@WellThisIsShit

I’d use that service. I have stage 4 cancer. Single mum, no support system.
I’d offer after life advice, sensible support for those you love and will still be here and then support to you to rationalise your end of life list along with a friendly hand to hold and time to talk to someone that isn’t so connected to your family.

I’ll tentatively say, I’m sorry, I won’t pretend to offer anything to you although my inbox is open, free of charge. I’m always around as has MN been for me.

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 28/02/2021 21:43

I can see the benefit as there are some similarities with childbirth... there can be different options, it can be confusing or distressing for people with no medical training to understand or advocate for themselves or their relatives, some people have no family support, it's an emotional time and people may struggle to communicate, staff are often too busy to explain things or you just deal with so many different staff. I would see the role as someone who knows the practicalities of how things work, can explain some of the medical terminology, is a familiar person who can provide some emotional support. They would not necessarily have to be there at the time of death - if the dying person was alone they might be though.

Original poster
EndofLifeDoula · 28/02/2021 21:45

@MuddleMoo

It sounds interesting, most people want a "good" dying experience but as you only do it once it might help to have input if you can.
Thank you, that is exactly what I’m thinking. Practical advice fore before and after, family support alongside the soon to be deceased support.

Do you think I could advertise as harshly as Death Dealer? dying, who you gonna call?

I’m joking, I have a good sense of humour around death due to prev employers.

OP posts:
Proudboomer · 28/02/2021 21:46

End of life counsellor
End of life therapist

These services are offered for free by a hospice.
If you are given a prognosis of 6 months or less then you are also offered a referral to your local hospice. Contrary to popular belief you don’t just go to a hospice to die. They offer support for the whole family even continuing after the death of loved one and even if they didn’t die at the hospice.
Hospices are not funded by the nhs and so I would rather anyone who needed this support used their local hospice and if they had the funds then gave a donation so that the hospice can support people who are not in a position to pay.