My friend’s kids make me not want my own

[Undecided123456]

I may get called a witch for this, and judged as not being cut out for motherhood - can you give me some perspective?

I have a varied group of friends with kids of different ages (babies to early teens). I am thinking about starting a family but I am having serious doubts

More recently I have been spending time with friends with younger kids and as more meet ups are suggested I find I am not looking forward to them. The kids don’t listen, they are demanding and bossy, whiny and unreasonable. The parents shout a lot and/or continually appeasing demands. I know parenting is tough, so is this just how it is? Juggling small rude dictators? Or am I only seeing a particular way of life?

Recent meet ups leave me cold, there seems little joy in it all, just trudging through with ‘it will be better when they’re at nursery/school/out of nappies/sleeping/grown out of xyz’

Am I just a non maternal person, better off out of it?

Can’t stand other people’s kids and love my own. In fact, I kind of have more time for other people’s kids now, but only because they remind me of my own 😂

I was never maternal, didn't want kids & still don't really like other people's kids. Turned 29, got married & changed my mind... DS is hard work sometimes, but I wouldn't change it for the world. All the amazing things more than make up for the shit things 10 fold.
If you don't want kids, don't have them. It's your life to live how you want.

I never wanted kids, not maternal. Didn’t like other people’s kids much. Some were ok, but it all looked like hard work.
Dh somehow persuaded me to have kids, and I love them to bits and adore them! There’s so much more to it than the shit bits, I’m genuinely happier than I’ve ever been as a Mum.

Kids are like farts. You don’t mind your own, but other people’s are just awful.

I was later among my friends to have kids, but I did like my friends' kids and still do. I am sociable and like people generally, and that includes children. Now I have my own, I relate better to other children and empathise more with parents.

It's fairly obvious that your kids are hard work and control your life to some extent - and that extent depends on many factors, parenting style being one of them (but also things like your personality, the child's personality, additional needs, the support of your partner, support from others, money to throw at a problem, etc etc).

Having said that, I wouldn't expect my childfree friends to join me on a child-friendly outing and I don't expect them to be that interested in my children.

Nope not mine! I’ve just been out at our local park and my 3 played in the woods by themselves for 2 hours while I to chatted to a friend. They came back over to me only when I told them it was time to go home. If I had whiny mini dictators I’d be disappointed in parenthood and would dislike my children immensely. You can raise nice children if you try hard enough 🙂

OP, my son (youngest of 6) is 11 now....he can get on every single last nerve of mine. He can be stubborn and awkward and wind his siblings up no end. Some days I want to pull out.

But he’s mine and I love every single stubborn, awkward bone in his body.

His brothers and sisters have their moments too, they can be dramatic and moody, messy and ungrateful...but again, I love them regardless of their few faults.
They all have off days, as we do. I’ve found, throughout raising my crew, that most of the not so good behaviour stems from frustration. You get to know YOUR children, you learn how to manage certain behaviours and works for you and them.
My youngest DS used to be a nightmare with food, full on screaming tantrums if he was made to eat anything that resembled a fruit/vegetable...so he started cooking with me, he chop and grate and mix, wash salad leaves and peel carrots...now he eats all of it, no problem.
It really is just finding what works and even if you don’t, you’d still walk over hot coals for them, cause they’re yours.
Trust me, the good outweighs the bad, every time.

It's good that you are thinking about the pros and cons because so many don't and just have children because it is supposedly "the normal thing to do".

So many posters state that if you have them you will love them unconditionally but this is not always the case at all. So many women regret having children. Just read some of the threads on here and you will see that

[quote Undecided123456]@SeasonFinale - my husband says this and I think we are reasonable people so it should be ok

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying - my biggest fear is that maybe I won’t love them [/quote]
Mother nature is a funny old thing. Basically there is a primeval instinct in animals which means that the offspring of others are rejected in favour of your own, so you pass your genes on.

I loved my own dc, but other people's? My god, I loathed some of those!

I must be really weird, as I prefer most of the teenagers I teach to my own stroppy difficult 8 year old. I actually like most of my friends' children too. The only two I've found hard are really bright, see right through the adults and are hard to jolly along.

My DD is great for everyone else! She does have a combo of high intelligence, high anxiety and SEN, which explains a lot of the behaviour.

There are some parents that find they're not cut out for parenting. And there are some children that just hate being children. No-one tells you that. I do think sometimes I should have stuck to teaching/aunting.

For me it would depend if you have someone dependable to be in a team with. DH and I are just managing and I wouldn't fancy our chances alone.

Little Kids are naughty and tantrum. That’s part of growing up. I’m very disciplined (raised on super nanny) and my ds is still naughty sometimes. Sometimes I’m exhausted and want to be single and have no responsibility 😂 but talking to him or spending one day away from him - I’m totally smitten. I’m so pleased I became a mum.
I would never ever judge someone without kids, who does that? We all have challenges with or without kids. Also, I’m mindful it’s not everyone’s choice not to have kids.

HNRTFT, but I have enjoyed my one DC. At every stage of life, but I was 43 before I committed to maternity. So I missed nothing of youth and midlife, and then sneaked a child in before it was too late. And now, DC and his uni friends think we are quite cool, and say so.

We often say that if we didn't have a child we probably wouldn't see much of friends with kids

When you have children and friend's kids are kicking off, being mardy, rude etc it just goes over your head. If you don't have kids you tend to notice it more

Don't base wanting kids on how you feel about other people's. You can raise your own how you like - and you will love them even when they are little sh""s.

Your friends might not like your kids either

I love my kids. I love lots of other people's kids (am a teacher).

However, some of my friends kids make me want to gauge my own eyes out with a spoon.

Thankfully we have got away with not seeing them over the last year...

I love my own son and most other kids but I think if some kids I’ve met are examples of the next generation then we are screwed

@Undecided123456

Thank you for all the comments and feedback.

For those without kids, how do you find you are treated by others for your decision?

Obviously it is none of their business!

I have an older colleague (childless and single) who says she is treated differently as though she can’t possibly understand stress/multitasking/responsibility as much as parents do. Almost as though she is an odd outsider to the normal world and her experience is invalid...? Maybe she is projecting her own feelings though?

There was never a point in my life I wanted children & as I got older and my family & friends started having them I was even more sure I made the right decision. Nothing about having children appeals to me.

Most people, and it’s 99.9% women, do judge me. They have had a lot to say and it used to irritate me but I’ve become immune. They tried to get me to change mind with ridiculous comments. The most common ones were Its different with your own & you’ll regret it. Maybe, maybe not. I would rather regret not having children than regret having them.

You should not make a decision based on other people’s children or how you think you will be treated if you choose not to. It’s your life (& your husband). Only you know yourself and whether you could handle having a child and everything that comes with it or if you can live a happy, fulfilled life without them.

I’ve never liked other people’s kids, still don’t, but I did always know that I wanted to have kids of my own.
Love my DDs dearly and really don’t miss my life prior to children.
What you’ve described in your OP, sounds like you seem to see the worst in those kids, possibly because you aren’t keen on children and will tend to only see negative sides. Also, if children are misbehaving, I tend to feel that is down to parenting, not children themselves (excluding SN of course).
I do have a couple of friends who are childless by choice and I don’t judge them at all. I think it’s fairer not to have children if you don’t want them than to have children just because you feel that is what society expects from you.
Either way, don’t rush with your decision; don’t have children unless you are absolutely certain that is what you want.

I think quite a bit depends on the parents. I work in primary, and would quite happily adopt some of the kids there. Some of them, not so much..

I’ve got my own DC, who I adore. However, I've never liked any of my friends’ children. Even my NCT friends who I’m really close with. My niece (DSis child) is very cute, but doesn’t smell right (I know that sounds weird and my sister is one of my best friends) and I really don’t want to get involved with my nephew (BIL/SIL baby).

I think it’s a nature thing where your tolerance level is higher with your own offspring. Like their poo and vomit really aren’t gross, but anyone else’s is revolting.

😆This is tongue in cheek, before I upset anyone...Whilst pregnant, my primary school teaching days, I can remember sitting with a class of 30 crossed legged at my feet, looking around and crossing off...'don't want one like that...or that, or him, or her'. I could cross off all 30...

Mother Nature definitely knows her stuff...be it familiarity or genetic or whatever but we all love our own ( thankfully I would think on the worst days with my DC's)😉

I think your assessment is fair enough in your OP. However, when it’s your own child, you do not feel the same way.

Also, I’d caution you against thinking that that bad behaviour is a product of upbringing. Many people will tell you that they have 2 kids who were polar opposites when little. Many people have a well behaved dc1, they’ll be patting themselves on the back for their fantastic parenting, thinking they are superior to other parents...and then along comes DC2. Parented the same way but nothing like DC1, in fact DC2 is the moaning dictator you describe.

I think upbringing does shape the way a much older child behaves, but in the case of a baby/toddler, all you’ve really done by that stage is love them and feed them. They are a law unto themselves.

I think that not having kids will become a much more acceptable and popular choice very shortly. The world is in a fucking mess. We don’t need more humans. That said, I do think that if you were to have a baby, you would definitely not feel the way you do about your friends’ children, you would love and adore your child regardless of anything.

I'm not really interested in other people's kids, only my own!

Raising kids is the hardest job in the world, and I guarantee every parent feels like they're doing it wrong and compare their kids to other kids.

You'll love your kids, even if they do turn into mini dictators . If you have more than one, they'll have different personalities and you'll wonder why they're all so different when you raised them all the same. One will be easy going, another will be a highly strung winger!

DD1 was an easy baby, did what she was told, was sweet and angelic until right around 10 years old. Now we duck and cover whenever she enters the room

DS1 was super hard work as a baby. Screamed and needed constant attention, but oh man, he was the cutest toddler in the world. He has such a kind heart and soul, gives the best hugs and is just a sweetheart. Doesnt fucking listen though.

DD2 was a hard baby. Highly strung, never slept for the first 2 years of her life. Was demanding, stroppy,awkward, moody. She's now 8 and still all those things but is also so smart and clever and just a mini fountain of knowledge and I'm so proud of her tenacity. DH and I joke that we hope that one day she runs a fortune 500 business and not a gang in prison 😂🤣