I need to rant about my DH- he pisses me off so much !

[namechanged2002]

He's so fucking useless I can't stand it. Or is it me ? Do I expect too much ?

I have a one year old and went back to work when he was 7 months old. I had a nanny for a bit but it didn't work out. DH works out of the home in more physical job.

I do the laundry ( it's mostly his shit)
I cook
I clean
I look after the baby

He's so useless. He just can't be bothered. Leaves his shit everywhere and then complains he can't find stuff when he's trying to get dressed. His wardrobe is a horror show. I'm not surprised he can't find stuff. He complains if I haven't cooked dinner that he ' has to fend for himself '. That dinner is always a ' massive deal ' and it's not in my psychy ( sorry don't know how to spell ) to have dinner / cook every day. I cook most days by the way, as I need to for my child. He complains I always make the same thing and actually said I am a rubbish housewife the other day. I said hell yes I am and I didn't sign up to be a housewife and carry everything on my shoulders, as well as working full time.

Even on days where he looks after the child a bit ( like today ), I just can't rely on him. He makes a huge mess. Is grumpy all day. Can't really be bothered to play / interact and is constantly wanting to put him down for a nap. He doesn't enjoy it in my opinion.

He leaves shit everywhere. It drives me insane. Laundry is piled up, he just chucks it on the basket. I've argued with him so much lately and he said ' you won't be happy until I do everything '. Is it really so much to ask for him to sort his clothes out and not to leave his shit everywhere ? I'm really at the end of my tether with it.

It's like the days he's actually here and ' helping ' are worse and I get so angry and worked up. It's better when he's not here and at work. He is not ' helping '- half of this life is HIS responsibility. His moods when he actually does give me a small break, don't even make it worth the break. He just ruins my day with his damn moods.

I know it's my fault. I shouldn't stand for it and I try not to. I've been fighting so much with him but he just calls me a nag. He doesn't get it. I'm really unhappy and tired and I just need a break.

It's just so sad he is so misogynistic he can't even say how awful his treatment of you is.

so sorry you're having to deal with this.do you have any other support, family, friends? If you have a nanny that's most of your childcare sorted, I doubt he'll want to have the child much if you separate.

I am sorry OP, but he isn't going to change

I'd agree uoire stronger than you know.

You've been managing a baby, job & house on your own, with resistance, his lack of respect & responsibility thrown in to make it harder, in a pandemic.

@lalafafa I only really have my mum. Who is very concerned to be honest. She doesn't think it's fair either really and knows how much of a struggle it has been.

[quote namechanged2002]@Sunshinegirl82

Financially I don't need him, but we are stronger together financially of course.

Benefits of staying

1 intact family

2 not having to be divorced and start over etc

3 not sure

[/quote]
So not that you love him and want to be with him forever?
There doesn’t seem much point to him to be honest

My ex was like this. He did absolutely nothing but nothing was good enough either.

Yours sounds passive aggressive with the comment about him doing everything. If he lived alone he'd have to do his own laundry and cook. So why is it different now?

I'd stop doing anything for him. And make plans without him.

How have you not killed him with a fucking shovel? Being a messy person is one thing, none of us are perfect, but the unmitigated cheek of him telling you that you are a crap housewife, you are not a fucking housewife! This thread has made me so angry on your behalf op, he is so disrespectful of you it's disgusting. Ltb, he is an arsehole.

You mentioned not wanting t9 leave due to having an intact family. Is this really how you want your child to have adult relationships modelled to him? You’ll just carry on the cycle. You resent your dh, rightly, IMO. Are you going to be able tolerate living with him? Will your ds be just like him and think everything is mummy’s job? So you’ll be a slave to your dh and your ds?

Any redeeming features to this sloth? Any??!

Tell him you want to seperate for a while and see how you feel. Bon an air b&b for one of you for a month.

There’s always a poster who’s falling all over themselves to blame the OP, no matter what their useless twat of a husband/partner has done. It is endemic

I dont think asking why someone has had a child with a useless man is blaming them though, women have choices, they don't need to stay with men like this and they certainly don't need to have children with them.

@LagunaBubbles it's fine. I'm the first to take responsibility for my actions. It's just not very supportive / helpful to ask - why did you do XYZ ? When we can't turn back time and change it.

It's never a helpful reply to any problem I find. ' I'm fat' - why did you eat so much ? ' I don't like my job ' - why did you study law then ? Whatever it might be, just an example..

[quote namechanged2002]@wandawombat no. Just looking for support to give me strength. [/quote]
OP only you can find the strength. What's holding you back? (Hint - it's the fact that his gaslighting, coupled with your personality, is still telling you that somehow this actually IS your fault.)

Genuine question - what support do you need? We will all support you if you decide to leave and MN is brilliant at it, as many MNers will testify. Your mother would support you, clearly - and would make the break up easier than it would be if you had nowhere to go.

What do you need to give you that final push?

@namechanged2002

We split the cost of everything really. Well expect the food which I pay for the majority of the time. And nappies and toys and clothes for my child.

So actually, you don't split a lot.

[quote namechanged2002]@wandawombat no. Just looking for support to give me strength. [/quote]
Hope you're feeling your getting some.

This is no life.

Ok. Have you started on a plan to leave the relationship?

How far are you with it? What's the barrier stopping you taking your next step with it?

I do get that when you're living through something like this you need support, but my biggest concern about repeatedly posting about his behaviour or the latest incident to invite people to argue the pros and cons without context then going round in circles debating it is that it keeps you locked in this situation instead of moving you forward.

There's nothing to be achieved from debating his behaviour and micro-analysing it for hours at a time other than to keep you stuck. It's a distraction from what you need to do and what you need to use your strength for.

I was married to someone like this (and had more than one child with him; it took me quite a long time to realise his behaviour was unacceptable and that I wasn’t the problem)

When I left him, he refused to “help” me with the children by having them more than one night a week. He was furious that I’d left him and used that a punishment so I would have little time to myself (plus he had always seen them as my responsibility anyway)

He does have them EOW now and occasionally in the holidays - because he married again and his new wife now does the childcare and “housewife” stuff for him !

I have also remarried, to someone who sees everything as equal and who never had to be told what he needed to do at home. I remember being really surprised and impressed at some of the things he did in the beginning, but I now realise that level of courtesy and respect, and thoughtfulness, should be normal in a loving partnership.

He is also an involved step dad and doesn’t see spending time with the DC as “babysitting” or “helping”. He is just naturally much more a family man and he is not a selfish person.

With my ex, I remember that he used to come home from work and actually criticise what I’d made, then leave the table and not even load the dishwasher.

I can’t believe that I ever put up with it. But married young and it was fine in the early years before we had children. But, as previous posters have already said, I grew up and he didn’t. It sounds like that is what has happened to you. But at least you’ve realised it fairly early, with only one DC, and you seem to be realising your worth - well done

Things turned really sour when I stopped. Just stopped. His washing, cooking, clearing up after him. I saw a worse side to him then in terms of his moods and passive aggressive behaviour- because I wasn’t toeing the line.

@LagunaBubbles - Abuse isn’t always physical.

When someone’s self esteem has been eroded, when they are scared of what the future will hold for them and their DC, when they are frightened of the stigma of being “a single mother”, when they hope that the person will change, where they think they can change things if they “just try harder”, when are scared that they will be alone forever, when they don’t know how they and the DC will survive financially, when there are threats that they might lose custody, when the upheaval of divorcing/ moving house/being subject to a smear campaign amongst friends and relatives seems all too much - then sometimes women stay.

Or they leave and then go back again - especially with the promise that things will be different.

As you said “they don’t need to stay with men like this”. It isn’t always that simple though.

The answer to "you are not a good housewife" is "Did you want to return to the 1950s? If so then you need to step up and be a better provider. You don't get to not pull your work around the house whilst your lack of earning potential means I have to go out to work"

In the meantime stop doing his washing - presumably the nanny will do your DCs laundry so then you only have to do yours. Feed yourself and let him fend for himself. If he starts complaining that he has to do everything point out that all he is actually doing is everything for himself and revert to the 1950s conversation above.....

@namechanged2002

I knew what I was going to get when. It's probably the third time I've posted similar things and I get the same responses. In all fairness, I did not even realise how bad it was until I first posted. I was very very depressed at the time and depleted. Things have improved a lot since then. I used to not bother him at all with anything and just did everything.

Now he does a lot more. But clearly still not enough as I keep getting extremely frustrated and depleted / resentful.

No, no, NO. They have not improved. He's abusive and gaslighting. FFS, preventing you from taking medication?! WTAF. He doesn't do shit!

You are in an abusive relationship. That's the bottom line. This will NEVER get better because you're married to an emotionally abusive cunt.

You can't engage, discuss, negotiate, chat, etc. with an abuser. It's pointless. They will not change.

I have friends who were married to non-physically abusive men for decades. They got away and man, the difference in them is amazing! All of them say the same, wish I'd have left sooner.

@rawalpindithelabrador I guess I just find it hard to think of him as an abuser. My father is actually one. But he's also physical and just mean and screams and calls my mum names. My one is more passive aggressive. And just whinges and moans and is moody. I'm more fiery and shout and call HIM names. Rather than the other way around! He doesn't really shout at me. He's just moody / and complains.

To me a man like my father is an abuser. He's hysterical/ gets physical and just screams his head off constantly. He calls everyone names too. I thought that's what abuse is.

Have you tried just hiring a cleaner, getting those meal boxes and letting him learn to cook? Talk to him without the anger, explain why you are upset give that solution and ask him if he wants to try at it. If he says no- well you have your answer. Very often though people get into a negative spiral when under extreme stress and forget all the reasons they are together. If you take the stress and anger out of the equation you might get your relationship back.

@Storingeggs he hates the meal boxes ! He's a foodie and super picky. I got the meal boxes myself for a while for the convenience, but he hates the recipes. He knows how to cook and has more of a passion for it than I do, I would say. He's just lazy and also wants me to be more passionate about it. I need to get a new cleaner. That's true and I will !